Early Withdrawl by Bruce Marich (tatuuk) - Comedy - After pulling what he thinks is his last job, (Joey) is forced to take an unlikely witness, (Jewels) to escape.  After stopping at the Post Office and mailing the money overnight to the Palmer House in Chicago, he thinks he has pulled off the perfect bank job. Little does he know that his gorgeous, high strung, high heel wearing, high maintenance companion is actually shanghaiing him. She stalks him until she finally is able to steal his credit card and driver's license. She gets him arrested after he drops her off at the St. Louis airport leaving him stranded. 96 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Bruce,

I read some of your script (I got to pg 16) and would like to comment on it. :)

First of all, well done on completing such a sizeable script.  You have the bones of
an idea there and I hope you get some more reviews.  I hope I can say what I want
without sounding too heavy...that's where the writing skills come in I suppose.

OK.  The opening.    

I know that readers like to see lots of white paper, but I feel you've rushed onto the dialogue without actually telling us anything about anything.  You need to set up the
scene...and hopefully in doing that, you'll give the reader a feel for a story.  So, if it's
set in a cold, dark coal cellar, you'd describe that to us, to make us feel the situation...

So, we begin in a Lawyers office.  Well, no description needed there perhaps, but the bank?  Was it a huge corporate one with luxurious carpets that Joey's feet sunk into? Or a sleepy town branch, where farmers deposit their hard earned?  Why was it empty? tThat was a bit co incidental, no?    

Joey and Jewels.

How old is Joey?  He talks like a 60yr old.  I thought that your dialogue was very 'on the nose'.  No one really speaks like that now.  And because there is no description of him,  a reader may have a problem trying to picture him in their minds....because he's the hero right?  We want to like him, to root for him, right?    It doesn't have to be too wordy.  An example could be something like:

Joey, 26, casual in jeans and jacket, a relaxed pose in a huge leather chair.  

Jewels:

She's  'a beautiful woman'.  I know this because you wrote that.  Oh, and she wears high heels.  She could still be 16 stones and have a moustache.  So, if she's the shared lead, again, I need to be able to picture her in my mind, because she's an important character, isn't she?

She arrives out of nowhere, with no traditional introduction (I'll get onto formatting later) and she's pretty demanding.  And Joey, is pretty wet.  He accepts her demands for a lift without much resistance...not hero material for me.    I mean, why is he tolerating her?  Why doesn't he just kick her ass out the door and drive off, after all, he's got the balls to hold up a bank, hasn't he?  

A better scenario would perhaps be that she car jacks him, holds a gun to his ribs and hey, he really has no choice then...and into the story we go.  

Formatting:

It looks OK on an initial sweep, but then you've missed alot of set up lines, log lines,
where it says EXT.PARKING LOT which I assume is your establishing shot - but the scene is actually set inside a car (correct me if I'm wrong here).  

A few spelling mistakes, easily fixed, and no proper introductions to main characters, again easily fixed, just look at other scripts to see how characters FIRST appear.  

Dialogue:  

On the nose, everyone speaks the same way, and you have a few examples of repetition in the direction there, for instance:  Joey 'shakes his head' four times by pg 10.    I know you are trying to set up the characters, but there is alot of superfluous chit chat that could be cut out.  Readers like scripts to be tight.  And again, people don't really speak like this, unless they've got all day, and Joey and Jewels shouldn't have all day.  An example of this would be on Pg 14:
                                                
                                            Joey
                                Hopefully stay out of trouble

                                            Jewels
                                Fat chance of that.

                                            Joey
                                Just give it a try, would you?
                  
                                            Jewels
                                I'll try, but can't promise.

All of that could have been cut.

Some of your scenes are a bit long - and I see that you are trying to insert the comedy into these scenes.  But it takes too long to get to the punchlines, and so again, you need to try to cut down the chit chat.    


Hey, I kinda sliced you up, huh?    You get first dibs on picking me up on things when I start to post some work on here.  :D   I do hope you find my comments of use to you.  I applaude your efforts so far.  Looking forward to reading some more. :)

Sassy

Bruce,

Interested in taking a risk?  I would like to turn this into a indie feature and put it out on the festival circuit.  As such, no one gets paid if it doesn't turn a profit.  Interested?

Jack

I agree with Sassy about the beginning. You jump right in without setting anything up.

Also, I'd eliminate the word "and" and any words ending in "ing" or "ly" completely if possible.  Remember, you're writing a story that is going to be portrayed on film.

For example: page 66. "A good looking older woman sees Joey. She walks up to him
and wraps her arms around him."

Could be...

"A beautiful older woman notices Joey. She walks up then wraps her arms around him."

There are plenty of examples like this. This is what I notice most about scripts that are unproduced.

The dialogue is ok. It gets a little "nosey". I'd cut out as many transitions (CUT TO:.) as you can, unless you're producing it yourself. Also, scene markers don't need to be in at this point (again, unless you're producing it yourself)