The Forbidden Heart by Lindell Gross - Short, Drama - A young woman learns that she will die if she does not receive a transfusion of rare blood from the father who molested her as a little girl… 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

This isn't bad, not bad at all. It could be strenghtened considerably though, to the point where it would be a very strong, producable film that would play well in festivals.

There is a lot of fat that could be trimmed off. The meat of your story is the conflict between Joy and her Father. You need to get that point quicker. Establish that Joy is ill at the very start and that there are no suitable donors, apart from her father who she hasn't seen in years and will not, under any cirumstances, contact. Then we're right in the heart of the story from page one.

We can then see Michael in turmoil over the fact his wife is dying and he has a stronger conflict about whether to find her father without her permission or let her die.

There is also a lot more that could be done with the idea in terms of the fact that she doesn't want her father "In" her again. The idea that she will be almost becoming what has caused her so much pain (her father) is very powerful. Use it.

Also, lose the religious aspect of it. I imagine you are fairly religious yourself, but I think it gets in the way of the flow a bit. Trust the tale to get the theme across, invest the story with a religious theme if you like, but I'd leave the specific out of it. It feels a bit clumsy to me with the constant praying and biblical reference.

There is a potentially lovely little story here about forgiveness. About forgiving others but forgiving yourself as well. I'd really commit to that and take it as far as you can.

Also, make the time frame on the abuse a bit longer. At the moment it is the very night of the wife's funeral. That seems to be taking things too quickly. It is (unfortunately) common that fathers become confused as to their feelings regarding their children in the absence of their mothers. There is more that can be done with that aspect i think, though I commend you on dealing with such a topic in a non-judgemental fashion.


So, yeah, I enjoyed this script. It could be a great little story if you decide to tweak it a little.

Rick

This was a very good short so I will just give a few suggestions, take them or leave them.

There are some very powerful emotions on display here. It is difficult to show such strong emotion in such a short piece but you have done well with it.

Would Michael know Nathan enough to find him in a park? It doesn't sound like Joy has visited her father much in her adulthood. Maybe Michael should know what happened between Joy and her father. It would give her the right to be pissed off enough to slug him and make his face burned into Michael's brain.

The forgiveness scene seems too warm and fuzzy for what happened previously. To forgive doesn't necessarily mean to love. It just seemed too heart-warming (aside from the smothering, of course).

Well done, very powerful.