Chime by Robert Kohler (RJKohler) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - On the eve of Halloween, the town of Windsor is visited by unexpected guests. Two teenagers find the truth as the clock strikes 12:00 AM, but will it be too late? - pdf, format 8)

Pretty decent little short you've got here all things considering! It was eerie and the music box added some good suspense value! I don't know if this was repetition on purpose but you seem to use "line of..." a lot to describe, it's not that big of a problem but in future rewrites I might use the thesaurus there! I think for sure this script could be better if it were longer but thats to be expected with the thirteen page limit, I didn't exactly know where the story was going for the first bit but I liked the way you ended it and used a build up of titles getting to halloween! Overall, it was a pretty good OWC script, though I found it loosely followed the theme, anyways, good work, nice suspense!

I think alot of this actually "works" in a horror sense, but for the most part, it's very confusing.  Lots of mistakes as well.

Biggest problem is that it doesn't fit the "rules".  I don't see any hoax whatsoever, no do I see our protags doing anything to save the town.

Your ambiguity in terms of the antags as well as the entire story is both good and bad.  I like the buildup because of thew WTF is going on feeling you get, but because there's absolutely no attempt to explain anything, I felt let down and a little PO'd.  The whole music box and chiming thing makes no sense to me at all, and because of that, I think it detracts from teh read...although it is creepy.

I do like the bleak tone and all out horror premise.  You don't show much violence but the implications work on their own.  But this is both good and bad again, because I don't feel like it fits into a YA genre, because it's just too mean spirited and bleak.

I think you could make this alot stronger with some thought and extra time.  An extra 10 pages or so would also help alot.  I don't like how most of the characters aren't named.

A pretty good effort overall though.  

Like the others I thought this was solid but maybe just a little too cryptic to be fully realized.  I found myself having to connect quite a few of the dots myself.   I think your central idea has potential though with a little more fleshing out.

My guess is this had something to do with some sort of pagan or satanic cult, something connected with Halloween anyway.  The arrival of Halloween seems to hold some significance anyway.  

Most of the other pieces are already in place though.  I like your two main leads with their back and forth banter.  As well, with the countdown of Halloween approaching, you understand the ticking clock (but by not completely understanding the nature of the threat here, I wasn't sure what exactly we're counting down to).

There were some nice visual motifs as well, in particular with the rumble of plates as the motorhome caravan was passing by.   You do understand how to create an effective mood and atmosphere and the build up of tension and mystery was well-established early on.  

I thought this was a beautifully written piece -- infact i think i may know who wrote this. But, i feel like, as good as the writing was..It wasn't fully realized the way a 13 pager should be. I felt some things could've been left out for the purpose of reaching a full effect. The chimes maybe. Creepy yes, is it holding the story back a tad, for me yes.

Some things with plot went unsaid, i'm okay with it. Some things went by with me at the nedge of my seat(sort of), great. But i finished not knowing what to think.

No matter though, because this was still great! Style in the descriptions and dialogue is perfect.

-Bryan.

Not sure if the music box would be a "chime" ...should be a melody...

I like the "idea" of this, but I thought it was under developed and ended poorly...

I think the story needs more time and should be refined a lot more...

~m~

This was a good little script.  Lyrical and creepy.  Had to read it twice to really get it though.  It could use a bit of editing to clarify the story a bit more.  

I think we might need to understand a bit more about the cult.  They sort of live in a vacuum in this story, I find it hard to believe that a cult could get away with these things without some discussion in the news. I think if a couple of kids disappeared then that would be suspicious for them but wouldn't necessarily generate news, but if they go around smashing towns...

There is some chilling excitement and tension in this. At times though I lost track of what was going on. Lots of characters appear and disappear quickly and for me the main characters did not get me that interested in what happened to them.

Several parentheticals seem unnecessary e.g. (disappointed) & (sarcastically) and others should probably be in the action e.g. “(running after James)”.

SUPER: “31 OCTOBER 2008” followed by SUPER: “HALLOWEEN” – Aren’t these the same thing?

““WELCOME TO BAYVIEW. POPULATION 610.”- Is Bayview the town they were in or the one they are going to? This is an example of me getting lost.

Nice concept for a horror story. Lots of scene changes which didn’t add to the flow of story, nor the story generally. Couple of the ‘actions’ I didn’t get either. The meaning of the chimes was lost on the main characters and they didn’t have a chance to react to them (until it was too late). There was no hoax. It was unclear as to the motivation of the children that killed. Why were they killing? Overall good effort. - Walford

Hi there,

Interesting little piece here.  I got a sense of an invasion but no hoax though.  It loosely fitted the competition as mentioned above.  Not totally sure where this story was leading.  I did get the feeling of tension and an old style horror.  Something like Children of the Corn.

Anyway, a good go, nice read, happy days.

All the best,


Javier

Most of my thoughts seem to echo the other comments, but basically this was well written and certainly had a creepy feel to it, thanks to the chime and children laughing. Truth is though, the story itself is really vague, and after finishing this I felt I had more questions than answers.

I feel like this would be a great beginning to a feature, as it certainly grabs the audience's attention and sets a mood, but right now it's not too detailed about the motorhome brigade (several have suggested it was a cult but I didn't really see anything there to suggest it) such as their motivations, history, etc.

Also, I didn't really understand the mom's line about tax dollars, and there wasn't really a hoax... maybe if the kids at school all thought Ryan was hiding somewhere so he wouldn't have to take a test rather than being a victim of kidnapping?

Overall a decent attempt and you certainly have a nice writing style and technique, but the story itself could use a little more substance.

This one had a creepy feel to it and I liked James and Eric, they weren't dull kids.  I think the writing was well done and this is definitely horror, but I didn't see the "hoax" aspect to this one, unless I missed something.  So it fit the genre but not the theme.  Still this was pretty well written and it moved along quickly.

I liked the title and the music box in this.

I was confused though and didn't understand what was going on. Who these people were that were in the motor home, who the woman was... I couldn't figure it out.

Sandra