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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October, 2008 One Week Challenge  /  OWC - Hell On Earth (different script, same title)
Posted by: Don, October 19th, 2008, 8:10pm
Hell On Earth (different script, same title) by Kyle Paquet - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Sixteen-year-old Rose Walker is pregnant, and she doesn't know why. Her friend Milo Wilks thinks it was aliens, but who would believe a UFO hoaxer? - html, format 8)
Posted by: MBCgirl, October 20th, 2008, 12:10am; Reply: 1
I'm sorry...this screenplay made no sense to me...nothing happened with her being pregnant...what truly was the outcome of this is lost to me...

no true hoax, etc.

~m~
Posted by: walford, October 20th, 2008, 1:45am; Reply: 2
You have it all. Good writing, bad writing, good story, not so bad story, great dialogue, horrible dialogue. Format needs lots of work (start there first). Overall, this is a little gem. Why?  the way you tell the story of the characters. Would like to see the rewrite with a bit more of your imagination injected into it. Some of the situations have been done to death in movies already, eg shooting through the windscreen, Alien descriptions, the police car riot shotgun etc. Some of the dialogue was very good intelligent, smart and witty. Cheers Walford
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), October 20th, 2008, 6:00am; Reply: 3
I think you should call this script SMASH TO BLACK.

Just kidding...

This seemed more like an action movie smushed into the required page count.  I think in order to make a story like this work it needs to be longer and you need to build up to the conclusion.  I think this is why some of your dialogue seems - well terrible.  Because you are trying to say too much with it. I for one would like to know more about Rose and Milo and their relationship, about Milo and his UFO research, and about these alien babies.  Not knowing these things left me unsatisfied.    
Posted by: Dreamscale, October 20th, 2008, 11:20am; Reply: 4
Formatting is off, text size appears to be off, there are numerous examples of long, clunky paragraphs...this is probably alot longer than 13 pages if it were done properly.

I don't see how this satisfies the OWC requirements.  There's no hoax and no real warning going on.

The 2 protags come off as 20 somethings, seem to live on their own, and hold full time jobs.  In other words, they don't come off as being beleivable characters at all.  The dialogue, as Conrnetto said is terrible for the most part...just completely unbelievable.  The story itself is so cliche ridden, yet also so hard to follow.  Way too much for a 13 page short, yet there are pages of stuff that don't need to be in here.

I'd say read some scripts and check out their structure.  Also, get some real screenwriting software!
Posted by: Shelton, October 21st, 2008, 7:18pm; Reply: 5
I've noticed a few people have failed to grasp how of scripts look in html on here, so I'll just point out that the way yours looks is fine.

I saw what was going on with the hoax, and the two people believing in it, so you've definitely met the challenge.

From a story standpoint, I thought it was pretty interesting, but do agree with Cornetto that this could be fleshed out a little more.  It's a little tough to get what you have into 13 pages, but once you don't have to abide by limits, I think you could break this up a little bit more to help the flow and get rid of some of that expository stuff.
Posted by: pwhitcroft, October 22nd, 2008, 9:44pm; Reply: 6
I like the visual dramatic start. I also think the premise has potential and the execution could be better.

The strongest element is the idea of a mass of unexplained pregnancies. Itís chilling and you could play with the consequences of that for ages.
Posted by: rshanneman, November 8th, 2008, 6:30pm; Reply: 7
The only part of this script that I didn't really like was the length.  Now, before anybody counts me as completely stupid I know the contest called for 13 pages, but I think there needs to be more to this story.  I want to know how she gets the alien/genetic mutant out of her body, what happens to her and milo, what is the warehouse like (what have they done to it to make it safe?), what is up with this organization, what are the genetic mutants like do they eat people?  I wanna know.

Good start to something bigger though, I would say work on character a little more.
Posted by: Zombie Sean, November 15th, 2008, 11:45am; Reply: 8
Like Shelton, I think the format is fine, considering it's in html format. The only thing is is that your descriptions are a bit clumpy, so you might want to separate them into three to four lines. The dialogue I didn't really have a problem with, though, some parts were kind of unbelievable. Some of your visuals were nice, though, and your writing seems to be alright, but we just need to have some believable characters.


Sean
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