Blood Brothers by Stephen Brown - Short, Noir, Crime, Drama - Two brothers. One woman. You know the rest...or do you? 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was one of my favourites at the MP contest.

I love it Ste. I told you what i thought before :)

Cheers

What? this is the second backward script I've read here. What gives? Oh that's right. Movie Poet.

Not bad, not bad. the writing is superb but the- I dunno -the vibe, the style, the substance for this script didn't do it for me. The murder in an alleys, the shadowy figures in a hat, the guns, the hot broads. You nailed just a little to perfectly crime noir cause it felt like a dozen movies I have seen before.

The plot structure is very clever and like how you tie in the begining scene with the end scene.

It's crazy stuff this reverse way of telling a story how you have each scene reveal another piece of the jigsaw. Which is funny really cause if you just skiped to the end of a movie you would spoil the whole story for yourself.

Hey Ste,

Idunno, I just couldn't get into this one for some reason. The plot is good and all and "the plan" was really quite clever but, like Glenn said, it's been done before you know. I think my main gripe is that the script is too wordy imo. I understand what you're trying do but it doesn't work in my book. Had it been a feature I think it could have worked but not for a short, this could be leaner.

Also...

Quoted from Blood Brothers pg. 4 Paul pulls a gun from the dashboard. Opens the barrel - yeah, loaded - and slaps it shut again.

What kind of gun is this? He opens the barrel? He can open the cylinder (if it's a revolver) or check the magazine (if it's a semi-automatic) but the barrel? I know I'm nitpicking but the imagery is off.

Cheers
Rob

Hey sniper I thought that bit of action was perfectly wirtten, but yeah the barrel thing threw me off too. Was going to mention it but couldn't think of the proper name for the cylinder thing that holds the six bullets that pops out of six shooter pistol. That's how I visualized it anyway.  

But Sniper is right Ste, I suggest you avoid this mistake in future by Wiki for info the gun you want to write about before you write about it.    

Quoted from tonkatough Hey sniper I thought that bit of action was perfectly wirtten

Hey Tonka,
I thought the writing was fine as well but there was just too much of it imo. I think the pace was too slow for an 8-page short.

Thanks for taking a look folks, appreciated.

About the barrel thing, yeah my bad, mix-up in words. It is a revolver so that should read cylinder.

I wanted this to be pretty slow in pace. When looking at noir movies of the past they really had slow build-ups, and generally the pace was slow with packed in atmosphere. That's what I was going for but you're probably right Rob, that the pace is a little too slow for a short short.

It was my first go at writing noir (and in reverse haha) but it was fun to write so I'll probably give it another go at a later date, maybe with a longer short or feature.

Thanks again.

Hey Ste, loved this. Great visuals and dialogue but half way through I realised i've read this before. Perhaps I read it on moviepoet or somewhere? Anyway, this is a good script and I don't really have any faults with it. Job done then.

Ha, I emailed you this script to have a look at before I entered it Alffy. Just to check that the chronology made sense. So, you're not going mad.

Pleased you liked it mate and thanks for the read....again.

I'm so stupid sometimes lol. My memory is that of a goldfish, meaning I always....what was I talking about...

Must have been a good script then Ste, seen as i've read it twice land never got bored ol.

I thought it was pretty good. It could be tightened up and simplified a bit. Whose the big man standing outside the cafe door? Is it Tony? If so, then just say it is... That was a little confusing.

I was hoping for more dialouge between the brothers in the restaurant... I didn't feel like they were brothers as much as I thought they were acquaintances... For instance, I know Paul is a cold blooded killer set in his ways... but, come on, They're brothers.

When Paul nods and says "Go ahead", Charlie could put up more of a fight??? Make it harder for Paul to do it... maybe make Paul second guess his decision??? I'm just saying, me personally, even if my brother did something like that to my wife... It'd still be hard to kill him, unless I was in a mad fit of rage (momentary insanity) And clearly Paul is not going through this type of "fit of rage". This isn't a crime of passion. Paul has an entire day to contemplate the murder and he isn't angry as much as he just wants to get even. He isn't written angry. He completly lets his wife off the hook way too easily - he should have roughed her up, screamed at her, threw the television out the window something...

Anyways, I wanted to see more passion and conflict between Paul and Charlie. You could do this by revealing that they are brothers in the very first scene in the alley. For instance, right after Charlie says "I didn't fucking do anything" He could have followed it up with "Paul, I'm your brother! Look me in the eyes! You gotta believe me"

I don't know something like that. I really liked it overall though. I didn't mean to come across so forward, just wanted to see more passion in there.

Action really was well written. I'm sad i didn't get a chance to read it at moviepoet. Your descriptive style is noteworthy. The story, while maybe i think i've come across it too many times, was still good. Also while i thought i knew how'd it end, i certainly didn't see THAT coming.

Is this a rewrite from your Movie Poet script?  I read it again.  The writing was good but a bit dense for a backward read. The main comment I made over at Movie Poet was that I didn't understand Lizzie's motivation for wanting to take out Charlie.  I still don't understand it.

Thanks for the reads there guys.

So, maybe the parts to extend are the restaurant scene and an extra scene showing why Lizzie's unhappy?

Yeah, Michael this is a rewrite. The only part I added was the start and end, to try and bookend the whole backward stuff. Maybe another rewrite to extend this to around 20 pages is called for.

Thanks again.

Hey, Stephen. Did you write this backward or just write it normal and then move the scenes? Just curious, I've never written one like this before.

Question: Which way is best/proper to introduce a character? I was a little confused at the "male voice/suited man" and didn't link it to Paul at first, which I believe was intentional. Same thing with "Heavy set man" and Tony. It sounded like you didn't want the audience to know who these characters were at first. The problem, then, is that scripts are written for directors/actors/etc. and not like a story where things are revealed to the readers. Should we introduce characters by name from the start? Any thoughts?

Also, noir films are usually set early in the last century and 9-1-1 wasn't set until the 60s. Just FYI.

You nailed down the dialog as far as film noir. Well written. Good descriptions.

Lizzie's motive would be a good addition to the script.

Nice job.

Hi James, thanks for the read.

This was for a moviepoet comp, where the script had to go backwards, the same one that Mr Z has a script on here for. So yeah, I wrote this backwards. I had an idea of the story and just gradually revealed more.

I hear what you're saying about the whole character introduction and yeah, I wanted it to be a slow reveal of who Tony was. Not so much Paul. I think if a director wanted to make this, or a script like it, written the same way, it wouldn't be a problem. He would read the whole script, know who is who, and just reveal through the shots in the same way as it's revealed in the script. No expert on it mind, so just my opinion.

I've just watched a great noir animation actually 'Rennaisance'(sp?) Worth checking out.

Pleased you liked it. If I do another rewrite then Lizzie's motives will be the main thing I add.

Thanks again mate, and I don't think I've read anything of yours so if you have something you want read, give me a shout. Short or feature.

^^ "Renaissance" is an awesome film. Now onto your script. I'm a great fan of noir flicks, so this script definitely appealed to me. Also, I love reverse chronological scripts (as I said in Mr Z's reverse script thread, "Memento" and "Irreversible" are some of my favourite films - check out "Irreversible" if you haven't already mate), so this was another plus for me.

Okay, I loved the openin scene of your script. It was fast paced, and creates a real "what the f**k is going on" type of feeling for the reader. Which is exactly what you need in a reverse film noir script. Loved the description in the restuarant scene, congrats on that. Yeah, I loved your descriptions throuhout. Really visual. The restuarant scene is my favourite scene so far... revealed character relationships well. The running through the kitchen scene could be a cliched as it is overused in films, but I thought it worked very well here.

Things I had a few problems with (some may be me bein an idiot...). Ok, firstly, how is Charlie made unconscious? I think that needs to be explained... Or if it is explained, and I missed it, explained for explicitly. Maybe have a bottle of sleeping pills on the bedside table, or somethin like that. And also, what are Lizzie's motives for settin up Charlie? Or Paul for that matter. I mean I understood that she set up Paul because she wanted to be with Tony, but I think you should have a scene showing how unhappy Paul and Lizzie's relationship is. Also, why did Tony set up Paul? Sure, he wanted to be with his girl, but these guys seem like good friends. Well, good enough friends not to let a 'dame' come between them.

But yeah, this was a well written script. I definitely enjoyed it. It flowed well, and felt like a genuine noir script. So congrats on that. I've got an idea on how to kind of change the script a little... Just an idea, it would be interesting to see how the story would un-fold without the character of Tony... or, keep Tony, but have Charlie set Paul up. So like have Charlie playing Paul all along. Could create an interesting back-story of why these brother's are so far apart. Talking of back-stories, I think that the characters need more of one.

But yeah, good script. Keep up the good work mate. Cheers, Toby.

Cheers Toby. No, I haven't seen Irreversible but I've just added it to my LoveFilm list, so should have it shortly. Sounds pretty messed up!

Charlie has been drugged. The final shot of the champagne glasses shows that one has a lining of white powder on.

Lizzie's motives seem to be the main stumbling block for the script so I'm not surprised you had a problem with it. That part definately needs work and I like your idea of losing Tony from the whole set-up thing, and making Charlie 'The Guy'. I'll have a think about how I can possibly sort that out.

Pleased you liked it.

^^ Ahh cool, I thought the powder on the glass had something to do with it, but I wasn't sure if Tony was about to go on a coke/ champagne binge... And plus if we are able to see the powder, why couldn't Charlie?

But yeah, congrats on this one. A really great read.

OK, I was reading Four Screenplays this weekend and Syd Field talked about how James Cameron did the same thing in his screenplay for Terminator II. He talked about a woman doing pull-ups in the asylum before he introduces her as Sarah Connor. I guess that answers the question I posted previously. Because hey, if Syd Field likes it...