The Wife's Not Speaking by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Drama - Dan and Linda get into an accident.  When the incident is over, Dan is nowhere to be seen. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks Don for posting my short so quickly.

I wrote five loglines and I went with this one.

I hope this script is an improvement on my previous attempts.

I liked the story, here, though the dialog hurts it a little.  There's a lot of on-the-nose dialog sprinkled through out it, which makes a conversation between Dan and the bartender seem forced and artificial.

The ending was a nice twist.  It caught me off guard and was very satisfying.


Phil

i laughed some here. I thought Dan was hilarious.

I must be missing something becuase i didn't understand the ending. I must be challenged becuase i need it explained lol. Why is he saying sorry? Was it a flashback?

Guess i'm slow. :(

Hey Javier,

Not bad.  You have a nice little story happening here of a man who imagines he is at a bar while he is unconscious at the side of a river, or perhaps he is in some alcoholic limbo and rather than moving on he goes back to the living.  That is what's happening isn't it?

If so, I think you need to make it a bit clearer.  If it's his imagination maybe he should be bewildered when he first arrives at the bar.  Maybe at the end you can make something surreal happen like the bartender grows a flower on his nose - just to clue us in that it's actually a dream.

If you are going for the limbo thing then you probably need to have more references to it.  Maybe there's a bright light coming out of the bathroom door and Dan keeps saying he really has to go. Something like that. Of course the bartender would be savvy about what's really going on and he helps Dan make the right decision.

Finally, you should tie it all together at the end and make some reference to the bar scene other than I'm sorry to let us know that we understood what you were aiming at.

Overall you did a good job with a few changes it could be excellent.

This was a nice little short.

I wouldn't say there was much of a twist. I do think that you need to rewrite a few parts of the script, the dialogue especially.

Overall i really enjoyed it.

Cheers

I thought this was pretty good Javier, especially the descriptions. I found the script to be more of a comedy than a drama though, was that intentional?

I agree with the other comments that the dialogue could be improved. There's many different ways you could take this script so I recommend experimenting with a few different outcomes.

Good stuff

Hey Jay

I thought this was a great little piece. I didn't find the dialogue to be too "on the nose" either. Again like anything thats only 5 pages long, more development is needed to flesh out the story properly.

I wouldn't have Dan waking up at the end. The Barman was his good conscience, telling him to do the right thing, ya. And by the end of their conversation Dan knows he has to apologize (that could have been expanded too but again brevity is paramount here) so for me, not allowing Dan to reconcile leaves a greater impression.

The tragedy of him experiencing an epiphany of some sort (or "a moment of clarity" to quote Jules Winfield) but doesn't get a chance to redeem himself would make a powerful ending, just my opinion. Good read, man.

Cheers

Col.

Wow, alot of comments after the first day.

Thanks for the read Phil, Brymo, Michael, Nik, Ste & Col.

Quoted from dogglebe The ending was a nice twist.  It caught me off guard and was very satisfying. Phil

I actually had four possible endings.  I went with the positive ending.

The endings were.  Dan wakes up outside the bar, when Dan returns home, Linda has gone.  Dan wakes up drunk at home to find his bags are packed.  Or goes to the hospital and finds Linda passed away.

I went with Dan unconscience in the water, works out his problems in a dream-like state and comes around with an answer.  But I do like some of the other suggestions posted.

Quoted from Brymo I must be missing something becuase i didn't understand the ending. I must be challenged becuase i need it explained lol. Why is he saying sorry? Was it a flashback?

Dan is having a little trouble at home.  And the bartender is there to point out what he was doing was wrong.  The crash could be seen as another moment to get upset about with Linda, pointing the finger etc...  Dan was taking the blame and apologising.

Quoted from mcornetto If so, I think you need to make it a bit clearer.  If it's his imagination maybe he should be bewildered when he first arrives at the bar.  Maybe at the end you can make something surreal happen like the bartender grows a flower on his nose - just to clue us in that it's actually a dream.

I like where you're going with this.  I love surreal.  I might take your lead on this.  I'm more than happy to change the ending as I was toying around with it and I wasn't 100% happy with it.

Quoted from stebrown I found the script to be more of a comedy than a drama though, was that intentional?

The comedy aspect of the script was intentional.  The surreal idea Michael has given me could be the gem I was looking for to finish this script.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The tragedy of him experiencing an epiphany of some sort (or "a moment of clarity" to quote Jules Winfield) but doesn't get a chance to redeem himself would make a powerful ending, just my opinion. Good read, man.

I agree that this would make for a powerful ending, but I'd like to end on a happy note.  But if people think I should end with an unhappy ending, then I may have to do a rethink.

Thanks to everyone who kindly took the time to read my new script.

Kind regards,


Javier

er . . . I don't get it.

A nice read but I didn't have a clue what the story behind story was about with this one.

Yeah I get he had an accident, but did he run all the way to the bar, did he astral project or was it all in his mind. I hope its not the third option cause that's about as much as eye rolling clique as someone wakes up and - Gosh! I'll be darned -it was all just a dream.

Like Brymo said up above, I also must be a bit challenged too.

while the story was ambiguous, your writing was nice and well done.

Oh! and I noticed some great suggestion posted above to improve your script/ Play around with it.  

  

Quoted from tonkatough ...or was it all in his mind. I hope its not the third option cause that's about as much as eye rolling clique as someone wakes up and - Gosh! I'll be darned -it was all just a dream. while the story was ambiguous, your writing was nice and well done.

Hi Tonkatough,

Thanks for the comments and I will be playing around with this story.  The story isn't the first or second option.  Guess I'm cliqué.  But when I add the surreal angle, I'm hoping for an eye-opener of a finish.

Kind regards,


Javier

Not bad, Javier. When I read the opening scene was in Waxy's Silver Treehouse I was expecting some sort of sci-fi story. I wasn't disappointed though!

I like these kind of scripts where all is not as it seems but I think the story needs to be darker. I know you went for your "happy ending" but with a car accident and death being involved I was expecting an unhappy ending. Could just be my opinion.

I liked the exchanges between Dan and the bartender. There could have been more there, though. Are they supposed to be old friends or did Dan create him?

The part about Dan not opening the door seemed off to me. The whole portion about the car accident could be tightened up.

If Linda is the type who is always annoyed with Dan she might have a different reaction when she sees him lying face down in the mud.

Good job.

James

Thanks for the read James R.

Quoted from James R Not bad, Javier. When I read the opening scene was in Waxy's Silver Treehouse I was expecting some sort of sci-fi story. I wasn't disappointed though!

I was please with that name and might reuse it elsewhere.  If you're ever in London go to Waxy O'Connors, it's an Irish bar with a massive dead tree inside.

Quoted from James R I like these kind of scripts where all is not as it seems but I think the story needs to be darker. I know you went for your "happy ending" but with a car accident and death being involved I was expecting an unhappy ending. Could just be my opinion.

Well, with the rewrite when I get around to it.  I might just try a darker routé to take.  I want to add a surreal angle so hopefully a better version.

Quoted from James R I liked the exchanges between Dan and the bartender. There could have been more there, though. Are they supposed to be old friends or did Dan create him?

They are casual friends.  I'm thinking of changing this scenario.

Quoted from James R The part about Dan not opening the door seemed off to me.

This was not meant to be realistic.  But as we all know, people who panic can act irrationally.

Quoted from James R If Linda is the type who is always annoyed with Dan she might have a different reaction when she sees him lying face down in the mud.

Point taken.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier, thought that since you replied to my thread I'd start my readin' 'n' reviewin' with your latest.

I liked it, found the dialogue funny, but didn't really...get it? I mean, maybe a shot of the car going into the water at the start would give the bar scene some context, or something. Start with a car hitting the water, then cut to the bar? I don't know.

One little specific thing that niggled me: on page 2, Dan first says, "This time, I think it's kinda my fault", and few seconds later says, "Well it's not my fault this time." Is that intentional? Can he not make up his mind?

I had no problem with the dialogue, unlike some people. But why is Dan dreaming this in the first place? Why is he in a guilty dream if he hasn't ACTUALLY done anything wrong? Unless at the end he did swim out and leave her there. And how come in the middle, dream sequence there's an ambulance and paramedics, but in the real life all the couple get is two fishermen poking them with their rods?

I like the idea, just think it needs more flesh on the bones! Although as I've said before, my entirely amateur opinion may well be entirely wrong.

Finally, some very boring grammar and spelling mistakes:

PAGE 1
- Dan picks up the shot glass and gulps down ITS contents
- DAN: In a MANNER of speaking.

PAGE 4
- BARTENDER: WHY'S she not talking to you?

PAGE 5
- DAN: With what? The CAR'S at the bottom of the river.

Hope some of my comments are useful!

Quoted from JonnyBoy I liked it, found the dialogue funny, but didn't really...get it? I mean, maybe a shot of the car going into the water at the start would give the bar scene some context, or something. Start with a car hitting the water, then cut to the bar? I don't know.

I don't want to give everything away.  If I had a shot of a car going into the water then another scene in a bar and then back at the river.  It would seem odd having the bar scene.

Quoted from JonnyBoy One little specific thing that niggled me: on page 2, Dan first says, "This time, I think it's kinda my fault", and few seconds later says, "Well it's not my fault this time." Is that intentional? Can he not make up his mind?

People can get confused, assuming guilt then back-tracking.  Plus dream-like states aren't suppose to be straight-forward.  I'll be trying to make this a little surreal in the description and throwing in strange lines.  So it will be weird.

One of my weirdest dreams was when I was on a road trip to Paris.  I was dreaming that I was consoling the main actor from a film as he knew he wasn't going to win an Oscar but the supporting actor in the film was.  Pretty strange.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I had no problem with the dialogue, unlike some people.

Happy to hear that, apart from the boring bits.

Quoted from JonnyBoy ...there's an ambulance and paramedics, but in the real life all the couple get is two fishermen poking them with their rods?

The dream is not suppose to be a reflection of real-life and so the ambulance doesn't exist.  Just a thread of guilt and possibly a leaving wife.  Who knows.  I had so many ways to finish this.  I wasn't totally happy.  It's an ending that kinda fits.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Although as I've said before, my entirely amateur opinion may well be entirely wrong.

It's all valid points in the end of the day.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Hope some of my comments are useful!

Sometimes my grammar gets the worst of me.  Thanks for your comments.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier, somehow I thought I'd read this already.

Anywho I'll start by seconding Jonnyboy's comment about Dan saying it was his fault then seconds later saying it wasn't?

I thought the dialogue was good and funny in places but to on the nose in others.

There was definately a comedy undertone to this, Dan knowing he's in trouble with the wife.

As for the ending, I liked it. It was a nice twist and I think it worked well. A nice read.

Hey Javier,

I think the basic structure of this story is fine, but things could be made a little bit clearer.  Ultimately, when we get to the end and we're at the scene of the accident, it makes more sense, but it coudl use a little more buildup before it gets to that point.

Stay with your intention of using Cornetto's suggesting and adding in some things that give it a little more of a surreal feel.  Maybe something like the scene between Jack and the bartender in The Shining, only more odd, you know?

I would also say to keep the ending as it is.  The undertones of it being in "limbo" give it a little more pop.

Hi Alffy & Mike,

Thanks for taking the time to read my short script.

Quoted from alffy Anywho I'll start by seconding Jonnyboy's comment about Dan saying it was his fault then seconds later saying it wasn't?

Dan was in a confused state, saying one thing then the next.

Quoted from alffy There was definately a comedy undertone to this...

That was the intention.

Quoted from alffy As for the ending, I liked it. It was a nice twist and I think it worked well. A nice read.

I'm happy you like the ending.  I wasn't sure how to end it.  But if it works it works.

Quoted from Shelton Stay with your intention of using Cornetto's suggesting and adding in some things that give it a little more of a surreal feel.  Maybe something like the scene between Jack and the bartender in The Shining, only more odd, you know?

It's been a while since I've seen the Shining, looks like I'll have to buy it to jog my memory.

Quoted from Shelton I would also say to keep the ending as it is.  The undertones of it being in "limbo" give it a little more pop.

I'm happy that the ending is fine.  I wasn't sure in the beginning.  But now I'll keep it.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hi Javier,

I feel your pain.  I lost my readers whilst playing with reality in my latest script, tricky stuff.

Overall I liked it.  You had me hooked and eager to see how it all ended.  You set up his entrance well, I had the sense that something “otherworldly” was going on, but not quite sure exactly what.  The dialogue could use a little smoothing out (as always), but I thought it was mostly good.  The area I’d recommend rethinking is the basic story line.

Dan’s “problem” is that he really screwed up this time, and the wife’s not speaking to him (again), and it’s likely that she will leave him over this.  The problem is that this is all in his mind – he’s guilty about not helping her out of the car, and he’s projecting all of this.  So his discover is that he must apologize for something that his wife may or may not actually be mad about – and is an apology even enough?

There are a couple of tweaks that would make this stronger for me.  If she wasn’t speaking to him before the accident for some reason, and this somehow led to the accident (rather than it just being a random occurrence), this would give the situation more heft.  So this way they go into the life and death situation already angry with each other (a more intense version of never go to sleep mad at each other).

Next, I’d like to see him do some deeper soul searching at the bar.  This is the point of this whole experience anyway right.  He doesn’t seem to be very happy with his marriage.  This would be a good chance for him to realize that he is really still in love with his wife (and why), and this prompts him to want to make amends when/if he returns to the riverbank.  Right now, the bartender just tells him to go apologize to keep out of trouble.  I want to see Dan make a deeper connection.

Now, when we cut back to the riverbank, and his wife wakes up and sees Dan lying there like a dead fish, we get the sense that it might be too late!  Dan, after realizing what’s truly important in his life, and deciding to rededicate himself to his wife, might never get to make things right.  Oh no!  I really think Linda should give Dan CPR and revive him – she’s the reason he lives (literally and figuratively).  And I don’t want him to just be sorry, I want him to tell her how much he really does love her after all.  

I think you have a very good framework for a powerful story here, but you need to dig a little deeper to make the emotional connections that are within reach here.  You’ve got some primal elements (life and death, love and marriage), but you are kind of just dancing on the surface.  You could get away with this if it was just a little comedic piece, but I think for this to work dramatically you still have some work to realize the full potential of this story.

Format/Technical Notes:
General: Leave off the “continued”s at the top and bottom of the page for a spec.
Pg. 1: “turnaround” should be “turn around”
Pg. 3: “bam” should be “-bam” (since it continued from the previous dialogue block)

Good luck!

Hi Raymond,

Thanks for taking the time to read my script.

Quoted from rjbelair Overall I liked it.  You had me hooked and eager to see how it all ended.

Always nice to hear.

Quoted from rjbelair ...a couple of tweaks that would make this stronger for me.  If she wasn’t speaking to him before the accident for some reason,...So this way they go into the life and death situation already angry with each other

A nice thought.  I suppose I could inject a tiny flashback at the moment Dan is explaining how he ended up in the water.  And possibly add a surreal description along with it.  Maybe have the bartender in the backseat listening to the arguement?

Quoted from rjbelair ...I want to see Dan make a deeper connection.

I can understand why some people would go down this routé, but this would lean heavily on the drama side and I wanted to make this a light humorous side.  The surreal part might not balance out the drama and be more in tune with the comedy weird side.

Quoted from rjbelair ...And I don’t want him to just be sorry, I want him to tell her how much he really does love her after all.

This would make for a powerful ending, but would change the mood of the whole script.

Quoted from rjbelair ...You could get away with this if it was just a little comedic piece, but I think for this to work dramatically you still have some work to realize the full potential of this story.

Comedy/surreal is what I was aiming for.  And as Michael pointed out, I definitely could do with injecting more surreal description/dialogue.  And thanks for the indepth review.  Most of my other stuff isn't that straight forward and if that's what you like, you may like those as well.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier, sorry for taking so long to return the feed - I've been incredibly ill for the past week and a half.

Okay, I love the opening description - the silhouette part was awesome. "The locals turnaround" - "locals" needs to be in capital letters. Yeah, the description of the bar, and Dan walking up to the bar flowed very well. One thing I don't understand though, is that you describe Dan as both an "unwelcome visitor", and a "regular". Most regulars at pubs/ bars I go to aren't unwelcome visitors. Sh*t, I've just realised how closly nit-picking I am haha.

Something about Dan and the bar-tender's dialogue doesn't ring right... I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't seem to flow well. It sounds a bit mechanic, a bit un-realistic. Its also a bit on-the-nose. But I guess it needs to be on-the-nose to reveal more about Dan's character.

"bam. We hit the railings at Inver Bridge." - Bam needs a capital.

I really enjoyed the end of the script, I should have seen the 'twist' coming. It was a nice end, to a nice short.

Overall this was an effective little short. It flowed well, and was an enjoyable read. The structure worked very well, and as I said, the end was very effective. Your descriptions were crisp and effective, so no complaints there. Only thing I could see that could be improved was the dialogue. It sounded a bit un-realistic, and forced. Try and make it sound a more more casual, and make it flow better.

But yeah, congrats here mate. I enjoyed this read, and could see it working very well as a short film.

Cheers, Toby.

Hi Toby,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Quoted from Toby_E Okay, I love the opening description - the silhouette part was awesome.

Cool, pleased you like the opening part.

Quoted from Toby_E ...One thing I don't understand though, is that you describe Dan as both an "unwelcome visitor", and a "regular".

With the sunlight, I was trying to say that with the blinding light you couldn't see Dan.  The pub was the type for locals that don't like outsiders.  Dan walks in then the bartender sees its a regular.  
Yeah, pubs are mostly friendly.  But where I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone.  If they didn't recognise you, they usually don't like your face.  Odd behaviour I know, but that's how things were back then.

Quoted from Toby_E ...dialogue...

I've had a few of these comments.  I've just rewritten a script, and this is another one on the list.  I'll be aiming for surreal banter next time.

Quoted from Toby_E Bam+the others

Noted, I'll fix the rest, ta.

Quoted from Toby_E I really enjoyed the end of the script, I should have seen the 'twist' coming. It was a nice end, to a nice short.

I think I'm up to 50/50 for/against with the ending amongst public opinion.

Quoted from Toby_E Overall this was an effective little short....could see it working very well as a short film.

I hope so too, just need to twist the dialogue, just a bit.

Kind regards,


Javier

This was funny and came together in the end pretty well.

Not only Dan did not open the door for her (ha!) he also did not go with the ambulance. Maybe the bartender could point that out too. This is not my concern though.

I loved it. It's very entertaining, very together, it's like a joke that went beyond (I think it's very hard to tell a joke so that it's more than a joke)

I did not understand Dan's "in a manor of speaking" -maybe just me. That's the only moment I had trouble with (which is nothing!)

Great read.

Hi Khamanna,

I'm happy you enjoyed this old script of mine.  I read it after yourself and see I need to give the ending more of an edge.

The line you noted, Dan said it about Linda who indirectly got him all wet.  Not on purpose but nonetheless still did.

When the bartender spoke, he was thinking like a glass of water in the face moment.

Quoted from khamanna I did not understand Dan's "in a manor of speaking" -maybe just me. That's the only moment I had trouble with (which is nothing!)

Javier