Chrysanthemum by Abel Orfao - Horror, Mystery - On the eve of a visit by a controversial novelist, university students attend a screening of a film based on his latest novel. The screening comes to a sudden halt, however, when a student protestor is murdered in a copycat killing. When more copycat murders occur during his visit, the novelist along with a reporter and police inspector try to solve the mystery of the Chrysanthemum Killings. 107 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thank you SimplyScripts for providing such a valuable resource for everyone interested in the art of screenwriting. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1226359256/

I only read to page six but isn't this pretty much exactly how scream 2 opened? Maybe the rest of your screenplay isn't scream 2 but the first six pages are and thats a problem.

first Is would be good idea to include age and brief descripton on quinn and yolanda on their intros

pg 6 blonde (vo) should be (OS) or (OC).. it isnt narrative like a voice over would be, plus its in context to the movie withn the movie(script)

Ok with the "his (or her), unless its suppose to be a trick or look like a man on screen when really a girl underneath then ust say he, since he visual is suppose to be misleading/twist
but if u just doin for the sake of doin it, just says " the villian drops its knife" replace his with its.

** I think u can get to the body dropping faster, it will help if u can get rid excessive fat in ur description

avoid all telling in description when its not geared toward character first intro.

ex " GVU Pres waits patiently in front of the building for nathan's arrival"... this is telling, show us

pg 11, dunno if quotes needed on "no comment" if she is quoting herself

pg 14. hailey: are you goin to answer my question or what?" Things like this don't seem right and forced, kinda like doreen calling her bitch so quick without a real reason.
sometimes action is better relation a message then dialog.

EX.

          Nathan
  jesus christ! How the hell did you get in here?

Hailey sticks her recorder closer to his face.

          Nathan
No, etc--

Just so she indicates she asking questions, not given answers

pg nathan makes a joke regarding the pie, pretty good i like this scene


by page 28/29 I truly don't know who is our protagonist. You switch between so many characters I dont know Im suppose to be following and this shouldnt be the case within the first 30 pages.

You have WAY too many named characters so  reader quick can lose track of who they are. I thought Quin and yolanda had a real role and if they dont come up later, they werent needed.

if Nathan is the protag,  I don't really care much for him. We need to see why we should care for our protag by the end of the act one or why should we wanna follow them into act 2?

You will be able to do this again with the removal of heavy descriptions/telling and prolly takin away unneeded characters


pg 40, am i to believe with all the other officers, camille only one to hear the scream of webster beside hailey?

NOTE*** up to this point story is dragging. Scenes just seems to be copies or your other scenes. Same thing happens
noted planted, victims reads out loud (3rd time) they die. Same with the protests vs nathan scenes when he is speaking. before it was
a girl with the pie in face then repeat with yells of maureen in almost copy w/o pie.

I believe its dragging because we still have entered into act 2, nothing has change for our main protag (still unclear for me who that is).

Dialog is coming off a bit silly/cheesy for the most part. This script suppose to be a serious one or humor and death stuff? situations seem serious but the dialog is sayin otherwise

pg 47, this debate questions/scene is running way too long/drawn out just to get the friction of nathan and tim and I question its relevance the story. if It is serving in pushing ur story forward or dragging down. Also its 3rd time nathan is speaking to a crowd

pg 48 extra space after "when Haily enters the lobby"
pg 52 again another stage talkin with nathan and somethin/someone actin negative towards him.

pg 65, speaker/cables would not produce enuff current to kill a dog, let alone a human. i know bcuz i deal with electrical wiring

Also Police who NEVER give this information freely to a reporter unless maybe they were friends. Hailey gets alot of crime scene info from the cops is hard to chew. I dont really know why Hailey is so bent on still being there for these events.
This deals with your characters are pretty flat, one dimensional... dont really know anything about them. they need to be 3 dimensional

pg80 its alil late to build up character back ground info, this needs to be done at the beginning and tidbits thru out

83 y would haily not tell camille first?
pg 84... i dont even know really who bradley is...
come on, only 2 campus police come to make the arrest of the big killer?
87 " in the dark, so cliche" funny, made me laugh
106 Nathan arrest for killing the killer? this doesnt make any sense


I applaud you for completing a screen play which is a task itself!

Overall i think there need to be a full rewrite and rethinking of the story. Like that guy mentions Your opening is like scream 2

Hello, JD_OK, and thank you for providing some very in-depth criticism, especially in your attempts to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I'm hoping to begin another draft within a few months, so your response (as well as Banditfive's brief post above) has been most valuable.

Quoted from abelorfao Hello, JD_OK, and thank you for providing some very in-depth criticism, especially in your attempts to separate the wheat from the chaff. I'm hoping to begin another draft within a few months, so your response (as well as Banditfive's brief post above) has been most valuable.

Your welcome and please feel free to ask any questions regarding ur script

Hi. Okay so I was just bored and browsing around the net for something scary to read and I stumbled across this site and this story... IT WAS AWESOME!!!

I love the fact that this script I could totally picture it as a movie and it isn't just another masked-psycho-stalks-and-kills-idiotic-teenagers type thing. There was actual substance to this story and I think the killer-blend-fiction-with-reality plot line makes this script so much fresher and is a BUNCH better than all of the crap filling up the slasher section at video stores nowadays.

Now, I'm no movie critic so I can't give you an in-depth assessment on what I think works and doesn't, all I can give you is my personal opinions of this story which I will do now:

I absolutely LOVED it. I enjoyed the characters, the plot, the motivation of the killers and all. This is so good I actually would enjoy this to be an actual book or movie so I could re-read, or re-watch it over and over again truthfully.

However, I do have a few negatives which a few I believe have been pointed out once before in other reviews:

1. Character Overload. Honestly, I had absolutely no idea who *Killer #1* was. When I read the big revealing I was like "Uh... who are you again?" I think you should have given *Killer #1* more screen-time for use to even remember him/her, let alone rule her/him in as a suspect. I mean basically its like "Hi, I'm *Killer #1" a total nobody not worth a second thought and then he/she just suddenly becomes a the killer. I just think you could have made her/him a more important character to give them the role of killer.

2. Predictable. With the first killer being a total stranger to me, Killer #2 wound up being a big let down because it was honestly completely OBVIOUS from their first scene in the story. Even with they line he/she used when first speaking with Nathan I automatically said in my head "Yup, you're the killer." and I wasn't at all surprised to learn I was right. I honestly was hoping for Darleen to actually be the killer THEN I would have been shocked.

3. Hailey Knows All. Favorite character in the script - hands down. However, you gave Haley a bit too much leeway in the story. I mean, I have a lot of doubts that a police officer would actually disclose information related to a murder to a college aspiring Reporter. I mean I believe she could get away with backing up that female cop whose name escapes me with that gun she had, but that should have been her real shining moment when the cops are involved. An officer giving information like that to a total stranger with no relevance to the case whatsoever is a bit too much for the audience to bite.

All in all I LOVED the script, even with its few flaws. I think this idea is very refreshing and the fact that I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning reading this is proof of just how much I enjoyed it. Go back and tweak very few things and you've got a masterpiece on your hands.

8/10 :D