Taken For a Ride by James Redd - Short, Comedy - Mike, a gas station convenient store clerk, enjoys teasing and tormenting his customers. When one of his customers loses something valuable in his store he decides to take advantage of the situation. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I love cons - mainly for the twist that you didn't see coming.  The problem is that when you see too many con movies, you can usually see them coming a mile away.  That was a problem for me in this one.  It's a fairly basic con that's been done before (I recently saw it done in a movie with a manuscript or something like that), and as soon as the girl offers so much money for the cheap ring, I knew something was up.

The setup also seemed awkward.  Nate holding onto the ring doesn't feel natural.  Mike seems like the kind of guy who would have taken the ring, told Nate he would put it in the lost and found in case the girl came back, then pawn it when he got out of work (or at least try to).  Mike also promises the girl the ring when he has no reason to think Nate will ever show up again.  The way the con usually goes is the girl would call looking for the ring, Mike would say he doesn't have it, and she would say if he does find it there is a $500 reward.  Then Nate "happens" by and it plays out from there.

The other thing that held this back for me was casting Mike the prick as the main character.  Yeah, it's nice that the jerk gets screwed, but ultimately it doesn't make for a satisfying experience since there is no one I like or can really identify with in the story.

You did a good job of drawing well-defined characters, and the piece was well-written.

Good luck,
-RayB

Hey, Ray. Thanks for the read and the honesty.

Quoted from rjbelair The problem is that when you see too many con movies, you can usually see them coming a mile away.

I guess you've seen a lot of con movies? I have seen a few as well, but I couldn't think of this particular one being done on screen. I guess it's a cinch it won't be made into a feature film.

Quoted from rjbelair The way the con usually goes is the girl would call looking for the ring, Mike would say he doesn't have it, and she would say if he does find it there is a $500 reward.  Then Nate "happens" by and it plays out from there.

It could have gone that way too, I suppose.

Quoted from rjbelair The other thing that held this back for me was casting Mike the prick as the main character.  Yeah, it's nice that the jerk gets screwed, but ultimately it doesn't make for a satisfying experience since there is no one I like or can really identify with in the story.

Point taken. I felt the same way at times, but it was just too fun to write all those sarcastic comments and sarcasm is often mean. At least I had fun!

Quoted from rjbelair You did a good job of drawing well-defined characters, and the piece was well-written.

Thanks, brother. I appreciate the comments.

James

Hi James,

I'd thought I'd give this a read and see how it plays out.  It's not often I have read or seen con scripts/films.

I do have to side with Ray in that the con was basic and that the ending you can see coming.  The ending does finish it well with the whole scope of the script.  I would try experimenting with this genre and try to make this a little more complex.

I would say theres not too much going on in this script, and that it needs more layers added to it.  If you give this script a rewrite, I'd read it again.

All the best,


Javier

I enjoyed this script,

The contrast of innocence and sarcastic jerk between two main characters was a pleasure to read.

The con itself was a little too clever. Have to agree with rj above that the con depends on to many factors to fall into place.  His ideas to make it  seem more random and natural are a good idea and should be easy to add to your script with out changing it to much.

But all in all a very nice script with wonderful characters with their own personalities.

Plus reading Mike I pictured him as the actor Bruce Campbell  

Quoted from jayrex I do have to side with Ray in that the con was basic and that the ending you can see coming.  The ending does finish it well with the whole scope of the script.  I would try experimenting with this genre and try to make this a little more complex.

I know this one has been done before, but thinking up a con that hasn't been done before would be tough. I love con movies so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Quoted from jayrex I would say theres not too much going on in this script, and that it needs more layers added to it.  If you give this script a rewrite, I'd read it again.

I'll do my best. Thanks for the comments.

Quoted from tonkatough The contrast of innocence and sarcastic jerk between two main characters was a pleasure to read.

That was one of my favorite things about this one too.

Quoted from tonkatough The con itself was a little too clever. Have to agree with rj above that the con depends on to many factors to fall into place.  His ideas to make it  seem more random and natural are a good idea and should be easy to add to your script with out changing it to much.

It was a challenge to get everything to fit and seem smooth. I tried not to have Nate and Mandy "steer" Mike (pun intended, wait, is that a pun?) where they wanted him to go. I'll try to tighten it up.

Quoted from tonkatough Plus reading Mike I pictured him as the actor Bruce Campbell

Funny thing, but Bruce Campbell himself didn't contact me for a part in this short. Thanks for reading and commenting.

James

Nice script although I did see it coming, not as early as someone else did, but when Nate says to take the money from the till, I pretty much knew where it was going from there. I will say I did smile at the ending because Mike gets whats coming to him.

I liked the dialogue from Mike because I always tend to like the sarcastic characters more than others. I imagined him as Randall from "Clerks". Very similar characters in the way they are both sarcastic with customers, mean to a certain extent. The problem is, if someone robbed Randall for over 200 bucks in Clerks, I would feel bad for him because he is likeable. I didn't feel bad for Mike in the slightest.

I enjoyed reading your script, very well written. Good work!  

Hi James,

I really enjoyed your short. It was a simple one, and very easy to shot. I didn't see the ending coming, I love con movies, but i realized what was happening to the ending after Mike gave Nate the 200 bucks.

The writing is very good and the dialogue flows well.

Best.

Hey James

Wow! that Mike is a prick & a half, a great character you have here.

This was a great story. Like Nik above I saw the set up coming when Nate asked for the money from the till but it didn't matter this was still a well crafted piece & paced wonderfully.

Even tho Mike is the antagonist & gets whats coming to him, a part of me liked him & hoped he'd get the $400.

Your dialogue was fine & your prose sharp & to the point.

I think you should always finish a piece with some descriptive line explaining the final shot or what the its closing out with, instead of just leaving it as dialogue.

This is about my only problem with this, that can be easily fixed. Good job, man.

Cheers.

Col.


                                                    

Quoted from Brian M I liked the dialogue from Mike because I always tend to like the sarcastic characters more than others. I imagined him as Randall from "Clerks".

I am drawn to sarcasm as well, sometimes I have to rewrite lines of dialog because I put too much in for characters who are not supposed to be sarcastic. I wonder if Kevin Smith ever has the same problem...
Thanks for reading and the comments.

Quoted from NiK I really enjoyed your short. It was a simple one, and very easy to shot.

Wait, you already shot this? Why didn't you tell me? I'm funny.
Thanks for the read, sorry I didn't get you with a better twist.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Even tho Mike is the antagonist & gets whats coming to him, a part of me liked him & hoped he'd get the $400.

I guess sometimes bad things happen to good people. Or good things to bad people. Or just things to people.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think you should always finish a piece with some descriptive line explaining the final shot or what the its closing out with, instead of just leaving it as dialogue.

I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Any suggestions?

Sorry maybe I didn't make myself clear. What I mean is finish the script with a line of prose instead of dialogue. Even if its just a sentance to describe the closing shot.

Lol.  The old 'Glim Dropper', eh?  Lol, for a second I was going to sue you for plageurism because you had reviewed my short 'The Glim Dropper', and then I remembered it was a different James that commented on it.

Have a look at 'The Glim Dropper' here on the shorts and compare our two scripts.  I know you didn't copy, but it's amazing how very similar dialogue we had.  I think a few of our lines might even be word-for-word.  It's cool how we took an idea and basically ended up with the same thing.  Usually, people get two different perspectives.

Anyhow, I'll talk to you later.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Have a look at 'The Glim Dropper' here on the shorts and compare our two scripts.

Where is it? I am having a hard time finding it, the search engine only seems to want to find "real" scripts, not our unproduced ones. I really want to see it.

James

On the 'unproduced scripts' main page, where all the new unproduced scripts for that week are listed, to the left margin has all the genres... (Monologues/Shorts, Western... etc...)  If you go under monologues/shorts, it lists every unproduced short script in alphabetical order.

I found it, I was just hoping you had a link so I wouldn't have to scroll through them all. I commented on it.

Lol.  I don't know what's wrong.  I just can't seem to figure out how to get the link set up in my signature.  Could you give me a hint?

-

There was a question I meant to ask on 'Taken for a Ride'.  There's a line where Mike says 'It's the same stuff there that it was yesterday' to Nate.  That kind of makes it sound like Nate is a regular there.  I was just curious because I don't think it'd be too good if Nate ripped off a place he frequents often.

Lol.  I still can't believe how close we came to almost writing the same exact thing.  I'll definately be reading some of your other stuff to see what other ideas we have in common.

- Mark

The Glim Dropper

And yes, the cons pulled in these two scripts are very similar.

lol i read this and the glim dropper
i know you didn't copy but they are pretty similar haha
not a bad short, might have even liked it better then Marks - (just cause im drawn to sarcastic people)
nice read, good dialogue and a couple of good characters, well worth my time
muchlove, jayden :)

Hey James,

This wasn't bad.  You did a good job of working the con over a period of time, and with the added part about Mike continually being off with the register, it gave it a little more pop.

I haven't read the other comments, but I'd imagine you've gotten some feedback about the ending.  It's too abrupt.  I think you need to add in one more line of dialogue for Mike, to really show his frustration, but if not you at least need some sort of reaction, followed by a fade out and/or the end.

That's a simple fix, but other than that, I enjoyed it.

Quoted from Jayden Creighton lol i read this and the glim dropper i know you didn't copy but they are pretty similar

How do you know?;)

Quoted from Jayden Creighton not a bad short, might have even liked it better then Marks - (just cause im drawn to sarcastic people)

Are you sure it wasn't just because mine was better? Just kidding, Mark! I couldn't believe it when I read Glim Dropper, even some of the dialog was word for word. Jeez.

Quoted from Shelton I haven't read the other comments, but I'd imagine you've gotten some feedback about the ending.  It's too abrupt.

Hey, Mike, good to hear from you. Howard had a similar suggestion. This script was one of the ones I was contacted about filming. There were numerous suggestions given, I'll have to revisit this one. I really can't think of more dialog that would fit, but some body language should do the trick, don't you think?

James

Hey James.

Cool script, cool read. Lots of Mike's lines were very funny. His first line made me laugh out loud for about 10 seconds.
Most things have been said. Good twist, saw it coming around page 7.

One small thing I'm still thinking about. This line, "Mike feigns driving with an arm up on the seat and one hand on the wheel," I don't fully understand. Is it a cut/flashback thing with him driving? If so, what would be cool is cut to him driving fast, loving it. You think he is alone, then Mandy appears, sitting in the passanger seat, after giving Mike "pleasure". Make sense? Then they start making out, tongue's everywhere. Then cut back to the real world when Mandy slaps down the bill on the counter?

Just an idea. Might be a bit of a laugh. Anyway good script. Well done.

Hey, Tommy, thanks for reading.

Quoted from Tommyp Lots of Mike's lines were very funny. His first line made me laugh out loud for about 10 seconds.

My wife makes fun of me sometimes because I make myself laugh when I'm writing and sometimes it makes me feel like I might be the only one who thinks I'm funny. Glad to know somebody else thinks so.

Quoted from Tommyp One small thing I'm still thinking about.

At this point Mike was supposed to look like he was driving looking all cool. One arm on the invisible wheel, the other on the invisible seat. Your idea might be a little too graphic for me, maybe you should try to make it an experience Andrew has in Shards of Entropy.

Be sure to read The Glim Dropper by Mark Lyons (rc1107), which is very similar.

James

James,

I thought this was well written, but can still be improved some.

The story itself seems like I've seen many times before, but this might be the first time in a gas station. I did see the ending coming a mile away. I don't say that to be mean. I seem to be very predictable too lately with my scripts.  :-)

I think this script is longer than it needs to be too. I would suggest cutting one or maybe even two pages out. The middle felt too long. I would suggest cutting out Arthur completely since he adds nothing to the plot.

You did well on the character Mike. He came across as a complete asshole which is what you wanted of course and works well. Gives us the satisfaction when he gets his in the end.

Mandy was fine and you kept Nate vague which helped in making it less obvious that he was part in the con.

Good job!

wow...Glim Dropper is close to this script. Quite a few similarities.

Good to have a few more comments on this script.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think this script is longer than it needs to be too. I would suggest cutting one or maybe even two pages out. The middle felt too long. I would suggest cutting out Arthur completely since he adds nothing to the plot.

So you started to lose interest in the middle, eh? I'll take a look at it and see if I can't liven it up or shorten it. Arthur gave Mike the info that his boss could fire him if he screws up again, but I guess that could be achieved another way. My first draft had Arthur as a completely different character but it took the story to a place I didn't want to go.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You did well on the character Mike. He came across as a complete asshole which is what you wanted of course and works well. Gives us the satisfaction when he gets his in the end.

Thanks, some people have suggested that there isn't enough of a reason to be satisfied when Mike gets his. I'll have to try and make some time for another look at this. Thanks for the comments.

Quoted from rockyroad2929 wow...Glim Dropper is close to this script. Quite a few similarities.

Yeah, almost creepy, isn't it?