The Game by A. B. Steel - Short - A John picks up a hooker at a hotel's bar. 3 pages - doc, format 8)

SPOILER SPACE

This was not one of your better works, Austin.  I never got the impression that the woman (we'll call her Mary because YOU DIDN'T GIVE HER A NAME!!!!) wasn't a prostitute, so the twist at the end didn't really surprise me.  I understand that you couldn't fit too much characterization into such a short script, but I felt nothing for John and Mary and no chemistry between them.

Sorry.


Phil

Hello.

I think there was too much detail in the action. Simplify it. There should be another line or another clue that this lady is a prostitute also.

This could be better if you made it a bit longer.

She's not really a prostitute...

They're married, and this is how they spice up their love life.

I know there's not much of a punch.

I didn't mention her name because it's not important. His name really isn't John, but it fit, since he's the "John". I have no idea what her name is. Maybe Elizabeth, because I see the part played by Elizabeth Berkley.

Hey Austin,

Welcome back.

After reading what you just posted, I can see where you were coming from with this.  Otherwise I would have no clue.  What came to my mind while I was reading this is why did you write this?  It didn't even seem like a story and I know you can do better than what you did here.

But I think if you really wanted to write this particular story then you need to

1. Clue us in from the beginning that they know each other.  Have one of them goof at the game and fall into their regular husband and wife pattern. We really need to know their relationship.

2. At the end have something happen where John has to tell someone that she is his wife.   As a suggestion possibly the manager could try to stop him from bringing a prostitute in the hotel and after a argument John could admit she's his wife.  Ok maybe that isn't the best suggestion but I think you understand what I'm getting at.  

You are being far too subtle here.  Subtle might work on the screen but it usually does not work in screenwriting.

Cheers,

Michael

Hey Austin

I'm afraid I have to echo what's said above. Since its only three pages this was to be expected - undevelopment, indepth characterisation, a seemingly half told story etc.

You say they done this to spice up their marraige. Where is this indicated in the script? All we gather is that they are wealthy & get kicks from this charade they act out, seemingly on a regular basis.

The dialogue was good but as said above, what was the point of this? Their wasn't so much a story here as a situation that had little or no introduction/background & was left too open ended at the finish.

I would like to see this expanded, some backgound on both characters to warrant this odd (& expensive) way of rejuvenating their marraige.

Cheers Col.

Huh? what happened? I was reading your script, I got to page 3 and it just cut out.

I banged the side of my monitor to fix the problem and resume reading your script but nope no more pages.

I found this one a little confusing like the scenes just didn't fit snuggly together. Or flowed off each other. Was it told in correct chronological order. I couldn't tell.

Other then that it was so short it felt like I didn't get the complete picture.    

It's not told in chronological order. The first scene happens last, with them arriving at the hotel in the beginning.

Not to cop out, but there really isn't much to it.

Thanks guys for reading. I appreciate it. It's been a rough couple of months, and I'm just thankful I can write again. I entered this month's Movie Poet, and I'll post that here in a couple of days.

Hey Austin,

Not really adding anything new here but, sorry, I didn't like this one. Had I not read your comments here I wouldn't have gotten the point of the story.

That's not saying I couldn't work cos' it can but you would have to add a lot more meat to the story and an effective punchline. I could see this being a comedy actually if you have the woman and the man get into all sorts of shit with a would-be John (totally screwing up their little spice-up-the-sex-game).

Btw, using the word "BODIES" in the opening seen made me think it was DEAD BODIES.  

Cheers
Rob

Was this inspired at all by 'When Harry Met Sally'?  I'm just curious because that's one of the first things going through my head while I was reading it.