All in the Family by Jayden Creighton - Short - Angie killed Peg.  Ted killed Angie.  And now, he has to bury her before Aunty comes home.  But he has an idea that just might bury him too.  Based on the short story by Brian Hugh Warner, Marilyn Manson. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey,
cheers for uploading the script...
if anyone gets a chance to comment it would be much appreciated,
anyways, I know the description is still a little blocky much like my work on 'Letter of Intent' but I am trying to cut down.
tell me what youse think,
muchlove, Jayden :)

Jayden

Since its adapted I won't go into the story element which are found to be ok. Depraved & a little unfocused but it kept my interest.

You have some nice flourishes of writing such as:

The dent in her skull has stopped gushing; the coagulated blood
now forming a gelatinous plug. Balefully, he kicks the
corpse. Her glazed eyes stare back at him with morbid
fascination.

However I think you over do it at times. A rule of thumb is four lines per paragraph of prose so that needs to be remedied in a few places here. This is a small thing tho, the only inconvenience is that it will increase the length.

My feeling with screenwriting is that the decriptive is obviously important to help the reader visualise but it mostly takes second place to the dialogue.

And your exchanges were good here for the most part but there needed to be more of them. You learn more about a character in a few lines of dialogue then a page of description.

Now maybe this was what the story specified but I found Teddy to be a frustratingly weak & timid character (the incest urges aside) I could never imagine him killing someone but I suppose thats where the real shock of the piece lies .

He just stumbles & stutters his way through the story. It was like his character was based on Hugh Grant, from just about every film he's been in.

You should give Aunty a name.


Typo:

but we remain oblivious the the naked body.


Some lines struck me as a little strange:

She screeches loudly once she enters, grimacing at a
small rat who runs through the open way. Somewhere to
anywhere...(Somewhere to
anywhere??)

Auntie’s car pulls into the cracked driveway...(cracked driveway??)

She raises it,
varicose in her elegance.

Unconventional but interesting use of "varicose"

AUNTY
Teddy. You’ve been a bad boy. You
won’t be looking at Angie any more
though, I’ve seen to that. Just
like your brother you are. I had to
teach him a lesson too.

Should this be off screen e.g AUNTY (O.S)

Overall, not bad. You have a flair for poetic language, just try not to get too carried away. This particular writing medium isn't best suited to it.

Interesting read

Cheers.

Col.  

hey
cheers for the review man
i plan to take a moment to read another of yours
as for the poetic language.. most of it was courtesy of Manson himself but thanks haha
and i completely agree with this being the wrong medium for blocky description
i am trying to shake that habbit
LOL hugh grant
i agree that Teddy's character is timid and weak.. and i think that makes it interesting and a touch frightening that people this shy can muster the strength to kill - and the element of surprise helped him a little also
thanks again,
muchlove, jayden :)

Hey Jayden,

This was way too loose for my liking. Many times you were being overly descriptive without really describing anything - a lot of the words were filling, and they have to cut/trimmed in order for this script to function properly as blueprint for a movie. But you also failed to describe some essential things during the script (the dead sister in the bathroom, him in the grave). Like I mention in my review of "ED", you have to cut up your paragraphs - they're eyesores as is. I almost shut the script down before I started reading because the first page was sooo unattractive.

I have to second what Col is saying about poetry and screenplays - not good bedfellows.

The story itself was relatively straight forward. It's basically about a very dysfunctional family, and while that aspect of it certainly was creepy, I just didn't feel it was very entertaining. It didn't have that beginning, middle and end feeling to it. Maybe it was the flashbacks that cut the story up too much (I'm assuming that "FLASH SEQUENCE" should be interpreted as "FLASHBACK", of course, I could be wrong. Also, check your format for the flashbacks - it isn't the most reader friendly way to do it.

Oh, and unless you're planning on directing this yourself, I think you should refrain from mentioning color schemes, whether the picture is gritty or not etc.

Cheers
Rob

PS: Happy birthday!

heya cheers for the review sniper,
i agree with the blockiness and will tend to that in a rewrite when i get a chance - a few of the paragraphs were taken from the story - so thats just laziness on my behalf i guess.
FLASH SEQUENCE to me represents a flash back in fast motion... probably not the best way to clarify it but i do plan to direct once i raise a budget (that again is why i have included the feel and colour scheme of the film)
thanks alot man, and cheers for the birthday call,
muchlove, Jayden :)

Hey Jayden,

I'm writing this while reading, i haven't read the others comments so if I repeat something forgive me :).

Weird, you adapted the script from a short of Marylin Manson. Weird. :) I didn't know the guy was a writer even though he is making he's debut as a director with a horror film. I read an article about that recently, hope the film goes well, since i don't really like his music at all.

To get back to the script.

You use a lot the word he when, why just don't write Teddy?!

On page 4 you show us the title, I think you should show it before since a lot of time has gone and this is a short not a feature. I mean it will appear a little bit late, but hell it could even work.

Also you use the headings INT. HOUSE (HALLWAY) -- just write. INT. HALLWAY, or INT. BATHROOM... it won't confuse the reader since the story is centered in the house.

Finished. I didn't really like the story (don't worry it's Manson's fault). I would suggest to tighten up the description. Also there is part when you write her mother is taller?! I think you mean Auntie is taller. You should include the characters age in the script.

Overall i like reading your scripts they flow very fast.

p.s: Ed. was far better than this Jayden :D

Best.

Thanks for the review Nik,

Yeah Manson's not a writer, but in his youth he did write a couple of shorts and poems which are featured in his autobiography. Personally I dislike him, but I find his mind twisted and amusing and I don't mind his songs haha.

Anyway back to the script haha, I've started rewrites on it and taken out most of the blocky and as it happens unneeded language. I doubt I will post the rewrite as I now made Ed . my main priority in both writing and filming - so I'm glad you enjoyed that.

Oh and in the story - the Aunty character was actually Teddy's mother. I changed it due to the age of the actors I would have used to portray her. That would be why I have written mother.

Thanks alot for the review,
Look forward to reading some more of yours,
Muchlove, Jayden :)

Cool,

So you're like me, trying to film the scripts. Are you in film school?

I'm trying to decide on some shorts to shot for school.

Liked your scripts a lot, looking for more.

Best

nuh not in film school yet.
only just turned sixteen.
when i finish year twelve i'm hoping to go to a film school in the city somewhere... but i'll need money for that haha.
but yeah i am trying to get a portfolio started, so hopefully i'll have some filmed through these summer holidays
(i live in australia btw)
if you post any films on the net or any more scripts, give me a bell i'd be interested in having a look.
i'm glad you enjoy my work,
thanks heaps mate,
muchlove, Jayden :)

Yeah now you're getting the Simply Script mojo. You read my script, now that puts me in a position to return the favour and read yours.

All I've got to say about this one is the action I found read like a novel. A bit to wordy for my liking. Big chunks of action. Each was a hefty paragraph, like a brick.

The content itself I found fascinating and disturbing (those whacky Catholics! Oh wait, I was baptized and did Holy Communion as a Catholic) and grotesque in a cool way like a Marylin Manson music clip which is way cool in my book.

But I must add that the story over all was sort of pointless, or lose or- I dunno but something was missing.  Could be the plot or how you keep flashing backwards for no real reason. I checked the posts up above and think Sniper has a better handle on this then I have and I agree with what he said.

But yeah I do like your disturbing style/vibe and will look out for your scripts and hope to see your short films you direct.  

Hey Jayden.

I really liked the darkness and nihilism to it.  You might soon find out the darker and grittier the story, the more I get into it.  But I also hold those stories to a higher standard.  Anybody can write something sick, but it's taking that sickness and making it intriguing and an interesting story that separates what I like from just a regular old exploitation script.

So down to business.

I hear you seem to be getting bashed a lot for your blocky descriptions.  It's true, they're very 'blocky'.  Don't misinterpret what they're referring to as 'blocky' as being too descriptive, or too wordy, though.  I think a more suitable term in your case is 'jumbled'.  The action is very jumbled.  You have 2 or 3 actions happening in one block of action.  Breaking the actions up into different paragraphs will make the script read a lot smoother and the page as a whole will make it a lot easier on your readers' eyes.  And even your eyes when you go to rewrite, or direct.  You'll find mistakes will pop out a lot easier.  Yes, breaking up those blocks will make the script longer, but a whole hell of a lot easier to read.

For example:

'AUNTY guides a sheet of fabric under the needle of a sewing
machine, the ROARING sound shielding her ears from the
discreet footsteps of a young teen. TEDDY lunges about in
the shadows of the house, biting his lip and trembling as he
takes cover behind the derelict plaster walls. He slowly
opens a door, a fierce jet of steam almost clouding his
vision of the bathroom. The sewing machine is no longer
audible over the running water.'

That's a whole mouthful and it depresses a reader right away to see everything jumbled like that.  It's hard to tell what action's what and even who's doing what.  Think about it like a director would... "Okay, I have this character doing this.  Let's film that first.  Now we have this character doing this.  We'll film that next."

An easy way to think of this would be to give each action a paragraph.

'AUNTY guides a sheet of fabric under the needle of a sewing
machine, the ROARING sound shielding her ears from the
discreet footsteps of a young teen.

TEDDY lunges about in the shadows of the house, biting his lip
and trembling as he takes cover behind the derelict plaster walls.

He slowly opens a door, a fierce jet of steam almost clouding his
vision of the bathroom, running water muting the pounding of the
sewing machine.'

See how everything is nice and separated there and the images come to your head with a lot more ease rather than being jumbled?  Plus, it puts a lot more 'white' on the page and makes the telling of the story a lot smoother.

Also, notice how I was able to combine the last two sentences and condense them to fit into one action block?  Doing that will also make the story tell itself a lot swifter.

Like I said, I do like how gory and unconventional the story is, but I really don't get the FLASH SEQUENCES.  I mean I understand them, but it took me two reads.  At first I thought you were going to a flashback and I was like, there's no flashback.  You're just continuing on with the action as it is.  The idea's cool what you're going to do, you just need to find a better way to write it out so your readers can understand.  I know you're writing this for yourself to film, but having other people reading it, even if it's the crew, they have to understand.

That's really all the nitpicks I have about 'All in the Family'.  I do like the language you use to tell the story... 'derelict plaster walls'... 'varicose in her elegance'...   Those kind of things add a certain something that I like to the screenplay to make it stand out, eventhough those words may never be able to be expressed in the film, it still make the story pop and etches the images into my head as I'm reading.  (I don't know if those adjectives and descriptives are taken from the short story or not, but either way, I still liked them.)

Once again, thanks for entertaining my angry and depraved side today, Jayden.

I'll talk to you later.

- Mark.

cheers for the review mark,
you've actually clarified things a fair bit for me ...
i've always liked more descriptive writing -
i enjoy finding it in other scripts, it makes me think that the author knows about language features but yeah i have been getting critisised for it haha
it's true though - with your way of breaking it up it does make for a better read without taking away the language i like to use.
and im glad you didn't hate the unconventional and gory story, i thought there weren't many splatter heads on these boards, so im pleased that i satisfied your angry and depraved side haha.
thanks again man,
muchlove, Jayden :)