Nick of Time by Richard Lawrence - Drama, Fantasy - Nick had it all until his wife died and the bottle took over his future.  A one time stock broker Nick now struggles to rebuild his life as a construction worker.  But the booze won't let go as Nick and his best friend Max waste their nights away in a dive bar in South Boston.  Nick confides painful stories of his childhood about the guilt he feels over a pet dog, Andy, his father shot when he was a child. 112 pages - rtf, format 8)

Hi Richard,

I got to pg 30 of your script.  I'd be happy to comment on your efforts.

Good description, of character and scene.  I liked the opening section.  It set the scene and although the newspaper blowing into his face was too convenient, I understood his reaction, and wanted to find out more about how this old man ended up like this.

Then I spent page after page of bar scenes, of drinking and conversation, between several characters who all merged into each other eventually.  Everyone is written the same way - all talked the same way - all saying the same things really.  
Although they all know Nick, they don't have enough impact as characters to mean anything, and are just being introduced.   This, unfortunately makes them bland and uninteresting.  

A few formating problems, easily fixed.  You continually referred to Andy as 'the Andy', not sure if that was intentional or not.   I would cut out half of the bar scenes and jump to the action or the catalyst well before page 30.  I doubt many would wade through so much dialogue to find the eventual hook...of course you may be writing this for pleasure, but if not, then you must think of your reader.  

I understand this story is about a man who falls into the abyss of alcoholism, but the permanent bar scenes and accompanying conversations did not hold my attention.   Fast forwarding to pg 51, and we're still at the bar.  I apologise if my comments don't do your entire story justice.  As mentioned, I only read to pg 30.  

Best wishes.  

Thanks for the e mail, Rick.  

Sorry to see you were disheartened by my comments.  You do appreciate that not everyone will love the work you produce - on this site, and indeed in life...  How you react to such comments says more about you than any aspect of your writing.    

  

Best Wishes