Women of War by Kowen Tyler Drake - Short - Two best friends are sent off on a six month campaign away from their families and friends. They each leave a someone special behind. While the Men are away, the Women start to play. Emotionally unbalanced and needy for love, the Women turn to each other for support.  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Kowen

Well, not too sure what you were going for with this. Was it an attempt for the sex script? If so, I think it was a bit tame to be honest.

You have the potential for quite a bit of conflict in this. I mean, just jumping to 6 months later takes away all the build up. Also, having the two women just drive off takes away the conflict and resolution of them explaining themselves to their husbands.

The way you have it now it seems like just something you thought up then quickly wrote down without much thought.

Extend this and show some development and resolution and I think you would have a pretty decent script.

Anway, 'keep it up' ;)

Ste

Hey Kowen,

I totally agree with what Ste said- I couldn't really see where you were going with this, and I couldn't grasp any real themes, or messages in the script, which could be due to the lack of resolution in the existing ending. Okay, so we know that Meredith and Shannon 'decide' to leave their men, but Meredith seems un-sure. You don't focus on this for long enough - you have her being un-sure, then bam! The script ends.

I definitely feel that that the script needs to be longer. Personally, I would cut out the first scene showing the men going away. I would have the script start with their ride home. Jeremiah and Jason's dialogue tells us that they have been away for 7 months, and if they are in their uniform, the reader will instantly know why.

I did actually enjoy this script, you have a good idea here, but it definitely needs developing. Write a new ending, make it more satisfying. Provide some sort of resolution to your story.

Cheers, Toby.

Thanks for the input. In all honesty I wrote this script in 2 days. I've made a few changes since I posted the first draft. I'm working on extending the length to fit 12-15 pages. I feel all your comments were dead on.  I know the story lacks conflict and resolution, but it can easily be fixed. If your interested in reading the longer draft, I'll have it finished this week.