The Barnhart Effect by Brett Bentman (babentman) - Action - Behind every secret, there’s someone watching. When a brilliant scientist is mysteriously murdered, the CIA scrambles to find his son, who may be their only way of preventing a second cold war. An unrelenting, action thrill ride. 97 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for the read. I am totally open to suggestions! Let me know if there is anything of yours I can read!

thanks, i love the script it is edge of your seat all the way! and if you read my script "I See You" it is much appricaited. but i have a clean draft of that that im going to give the link to.

Aaron, I would suggest you write a review rather than just stating you liked the script. There's nothing worse than a writer spending a tremendous amount of time writing a feature, and just getting a two line reply.

you make an excellent point.
The Barnhart Effect has tremendous action, pulse pounding excitement, and edge of your seat thrills. You did a fine job, great work

By a review, Robert means more than one line. What did you like? What worked well? What didn't? How was the format? Was the story-line good? Believable? Predictable? Were the characters realistic? Were the character arcs realistic, and effective?

The one line you wrote sounds like an extract from a corny review man...

Toby - any input by chance? If there is anything I can read of yours please pass it along! Take care!

Hey Babent, I've been reading this for the past 20 mins, and it is so far surprising good. I didn't know what to expect, and I was pleasantly surprised. There are a few minor corrections, which I will post up when I write up the whole review mate.

I'll try and get the reading finished, and the review up sometime tomorrow. And you can read "Freefall" (check my sig for the link :) ) if you want to. Cheers man.

Thanks!

Hey man, got to page 51. Will finish it tomorrow.

Okay, so far, I like it. I thought it would be your typical run-of-the-mill action thriller. I was proven wrong. The first thing I noticed when I read this was how crisp your descriptions were... they felt very pro. The first scene was awesome. It set up the script perfectly.

I also loved the car chase on page 37/ 38... this was the first car chase that I read, and was actually like "damn, that was very well written." It was written crisply, and it was very effective.

I also loved Olisnky's "traitor" dialogue on page 40. It was very well written, and expanded on a theme of the script.

I will finish this script tomorrow, but so far I am impressed. The dialogue was spot on for this genre, and as I said, your descriptions were pro. The story moved very fast, and I found no problem with the plot.

I did, however, find a bit of problem with the structure. I can't see who the main character is, which makes it hard to emphasise with any of the characters. I have a feeling that you aimed for Bay to be the main character, but yet Parker, Bishop and even Olinsky share as much screen time as Bay.


I also noted some other things that need correction:

Page 1- Give the two Mafioso names; it makes it more personal mate.

Page 1- Cut rid of "we'll call him", and simply write; "The passenger side window slowly rolls down -- a shadowy figure inside; VLADAMIR GINADI"

Page 2- You tells us that the character is called The Mole. But he is wearing a mask, so how do we know it's The Mole? It would be better to write; "An INTRUDER, wearing black clothing, a black mask, and gripping a silencer". Later, when we see The Mole, you can tell the reader that The Mole was the earlier intruder. I just don't think you should introduce a character without us seeing his face... As we don't know that it actually is that character (if that makes sense?).

Page 2- "SNAPPH! A SHOT to the left thigh" should be; "SNAPPH! A SHOT to Henry's left thigh", as you don't tell us who gets shot... I know it's pretty obvious, but The Mole's gun could have accidently gone off.

Page 3- "SNAPPH! -- SNAPPH! -- Two more SHOTS, right in the chest.", should be; "SNAPPH! -- SNAPPH! -- Two more SHOTS, hit Henry right in the chest."

Page 3- "The mole drags the lifeless body..." ; The Mole's name needs a capital letter mate.

Page 4- Parker's dialogue; I think you should end it, as opposed to letting it trail off. Just end the sentence, then cut to the next scene.

Page 4- Get rid of the "CUT TO", it's not necassary here mate.

Page 6- "A reception desk, a pretty girl there." You then introduce he "pretty girl" as Linda. I think you should write the sentence as "A reception desk. Sitting behind it is LINDA, a pretty girl.", or something similar.

After reading page 8/9 (Bishop addressing the Core), I think it would be better if on page 6, when Linda says "Hey" to Bay, she says "Good morning Bay." This lets the audience know that this man is Bay.

Page 10- Dr Reinald; you never introduce him, just start with his dialogue. Introduce him homie.

Page 11- Cut out the "CUT TO"; it's not needed here mate. I only use "CUT TO" when I want a very rapid cut to next scene... such as a quick flashback of sort.

Page 12- Are "Research Tech" and "Com Tech" the same person? Because Research Tech talks to Bishop, but then suddenly, without any introductions, Com Tech joins the convo.

Page 13- Parker suddenly joins the convo, with a phone to his ear. I think you need an action line to tell us that he enters the convo. Something simple like "Parker, phone to his ear joins Bishop and the Research Tech".

Page 15- "Parker hands it to a the research tech."; as "the research tech" is a character, her name needs to be in

Page 15- "INT. / EXT. THE CORE/ STREET - NIGHT"; I don't understand what that means? Usually, INT. / EXT. locations are used for cars (when you want to show what's going on outside), and I don't really understand what you are going for here mate- I don't understand how a scene can be cut between the core and a street. Plus, you say it is an INT. / EXT. scene, but I don't see any EXT. locations... all action seems to take place in the core.

Page 16- Scrap what I just said above, I see what you were going for. Apologies!

Page 18- Researcher's dialogue; "Barnhart's been going to Seinshin for several years" should be made clearer. I only knew this was the dojo that Bay uses, as I read in the scene header. An audience might not know. The dialogue should be something like: "Barnhart's been going to Seinshin dojo for several years"...

Page 23- No need for "CUT TO" again mate... try not to use them.

Page 23- See, now you should introduce the Mole as THE MOLE. This is the first time we see him; on the film, we wouldn't know the masked intruder is the Mole.

Page 26- "Bay catches a glimpse of mobile one"... Mobile One's name needs to be in capitals mate.

Page 29- Gable's dialogue; "...could duplicate the aftermath of September eleventh?". I think it would sound more natural if he said "9/11" as opposed to "September eleventh".

Page 32- No "CUT TO" mate ;)

Page 33- "The tema begins to report new information" What is a "tema" mate?

Page 34- "CUT TO" again... get rid of it :)

Page 35- "Bay steps outside, everyone looking suspicious to him now." ; That sentence sounds weird... I think "Bay steps outside, everyone looks at him suspiciously."

Page 35- Mobile One's name needs to be capitalised.

Page 38- Bishop's dialogue; "That shouldn't happen!" should be a bit more emotive... I mean shit, you say he explodes, but all you show of him "exploding" is an exclamation mark. Say something like; "Fu*ck! How the he*ll did this happen?!"

Page 39- This description; "Olinsky sits at the bar, making love to his scotch. He is down in the mouth, alone in more ways than one." sounds weird, man. "Making love to his scotch" is odd, as is "down in the mouth". Change that a bit matey.

Page 41- "LANDON (26) is a conspirator.", that sounds a bit odd. How do we know she's a conspirator?

Page 44/45/46- Bay and Landon's conversation seems a bit on-the-nose... Bay tells Landon stuff we have already seen... The scene goes on for too long... it's a straight-up dialogue scene... eiher slim it down, or add some action mate.

Page 47- "The only two people in the room that night were fifteen-yea-old"; "fifteen-YEAR-old".

Page 48/49/50/51- Trim Landon and Bay's dialogue... This scene drags on for way too much.

Page 51- Get rid of the "CUT TO".



But yeah, I did enjoy this. I will finish the review tomorrow.

Cheers, Toby.

Thank you mate! I am going to look into this stuff tonight and take them into consideration... I look forward to the rest! Cheers

I suggest you try and make Bay the more central character... Give him some more screen-time, especially early on in the film mate.

I am making some corrections and await the rest you have!

Hey man, continuing from page 51;

Page 54- Bishop's dialogue; "Who else? By our boy scout scientist himself, Henry" needs a full stop at the end of the sentence.

Page 55/ 56- Bishop + Ginadi's phone conversation; you don't have to write "into phone" everytime a character talks into the phone, only the first time they do.

Page 59- Parker's dialogue; "Soa re we looking for the chip so that they don't get it...", needs to be "So ARE we".

Page 59- I don't see why Bishop would tell Parker what he did... he gained nothing out of it, apart from giving Parker something to hold against him.

Page 61- Landon's dialogue; "Barbecues and baseball games? no thanks."- "No" needs a capital mate.

Page 61- Landon's dialogue; "It worked on you, didin't it?" - "Didin't" needs to be "didn't".

Page 61- "You know, if I turn myself in after everything I've done, they'll lock me up for the rest of my life --" - Would they? His reaction seems a bit strong...

Page 61/ 62- Landon's dialogue seems very on-the-nose. And plus, suddenly she gets mad. Nothing really triggers her outburst; one moment she is happy, willing to help Bay, then suddenly she gets mad. It seems a bit odd...

Page 63- "A cute girl walks in"; Firstly, her name needs to be in capitals. And secondly, you call her "cute girl", but in her dialogue, you call her "Parker's girlfriend". Call her one name, man.

Page 63- So Bishop gets The Mole to kill Parker... because Bishop told Parker some secret information? It could have been easier to not tell Parker the info... Even if Bishop wanted Parker dead, still, by telling him the secret info, it put him at risk.

Page 64- Intel Tech's dialogue- "Whoever helping him, knows what they're doing."; needs to be "Whoever IS helping him,".

Page 67- I think this line; "Bishop wants to explode, but centers himself." would sound better as; "Bishop wants to explode, but CONTROLS himself."

Page 68- Gable's speech; "You know, the other day I was walking to my car and I saw a man who wasn't there. Then, today I looked in the same spot and he wasn't there a second time... which means he must be CIA." sounds odd. I know what you are trying to say, but you need to modify it man.

Page 68- No need for "CUT TO".

Page 69- This scene header; "EXT. / INT. THE STREET/ FRONT SEAT - NIGHT" should read as: "INT. / EXT. OLINSKY'S CAR / STREET - NIGHT". - "Front seat" isn't a location.

Page 69- "The other car pulls up behind him. The mole" ; "The Mole" needs capital letters, seeing as it's his name.

Page 73- This description isn't detailed enough; "Bay punches -- makes contact with his face -- blood pours out --" Where abouts on the face does Bay hit him? If he hits him on the cheek, usually blood doesn't pour out.

Page 73- "Bay chops the gun loose, then the agent's face -- a fist full of pain --" This action line sounds very odd. A fist full of pain? Re-write it more simply... "Bay chops the gun loose, then slams his fist, hard, into the agen'ts face --"

Page 74- "BANG! BANG! -- Agent #1 is still kicking." Re-write it to; "BANG! BANG! -- Agent #1 is still returning fire." "Still kicking" sounds very strange.

Page 74- "They both glance back at the house, they'll never see it again." Who are "they"?

Page 75/ 76- I don't like Bishop's rage; it's too extreme. He can toss a chair across the office, but leave it at that. Anything else and it's too over-the-top.

Page 78- "...you kill one man, they call you an assassin. If you kill a hundred
men, they call you a leader. If you kill everyone, they call you God." Awesome speech, and awesome reply from Bishop. However, I can't help but feel I've heard the speech before... Still friggin' awesome.

Page 80- How does the Mole find Bay at the motel?

Page 81- "Bay dries his face off. Did you hear something?" Are you asking the reader a question? That's a no-no...

Page 83- "The bell has rung, the brawl for it all," - No need for that line.

Page 86- "Keep it handy, I'll be seeing you real soon." - Keep what handy?

Page 87- Bishop's dialogue; "Fine. Have it your way. What do you wanna know?", doesn't ring true. He's an ignorant bad-a55; he wouldn't give in to Bay's demands so easily. I think if Bay threatened him, it would seem more realistic. Then Bishop would have to tell Bay what he wanted to know.

Page 91- See, why does Bishop share this confidental, career ending information with so many people?

Page 92- "She pulls out of her spot --" should be "She pulls out of her spot and drives away".

Page 93- "They begin to drop like flys. The Russians first --" - what does that mean?

Page 95- "We do not see her face, but a delivery woman" ; "delivery women" needs to be in block capitals.

Page 96- Why did Bay bother given Gable half of the chip? And why hasn't Gable been arressted? I imagine that Bishop would have ratter him out...

Page 97- The happy ending; wouldn't Bay and Landon still be on the run from the police? After all, they are all murderers, plus Landon's house would have been a gold-mine for the police...





Okay, I finished it. It was a good, entertaining script. If you address all the problems I noted above, it will be pretty damn solid.

I did, however, find some problems with the script. Firstly, and mainly, the lack of a main character. I guessed that Bay was the main character, but mate, you need to make him more of a main character. At the moment, until the Third Act, he is only a supporting character. Hell, Bishop and Parker seem like contenders for the main character spot up until the end.

Bay needs to be in a lot more scenes. Have more scenes with Bay in it, more scenes with his relationship with Landon re-developing. And less scenes with Bishop in it. I think that after Bay's father gets murdered, you should have about 5 or 10 pages focusing on Bay's everyday life... You need to make him the central character, seeing as he is the guy that were are rooting for.

I also don't understand the ending... why would Landon bother risking arrest and hand delivery a package to Gable?

But yeah, overall, this was very entertaining. Just a few things you need to iron out.

Good luck on the re-write. This script has very good potential.

Cheers, Toby.

Oh, and I would consider re-naming the script... "The Barnhart Effect" seems to similar to "The Butterfly Effect".

Cheers, Toby.

Thank you SO much, I am working on the re-write and I canno thank you enough. Happy New year and let me know if you ever need anything! Glad you enjoyed it.

Brett.

Brett,

Ok, usually I like to stop at where I think the end of Act I would be.

My initial thoughts:  I'm really digging it!  Wow.  I mean, you start off really strong and then keep the pace going strong for the first 20 pages.  It kind of has an "Enemy of the State" feel to it so far, which is a good thing.

My only critique thus far is that your descriptions tell and don't seem to show a lot.  For example, you introduce Bay as saying "Everything about him is planned, organized and hygienic".  How do we know that?  Maybe if you showed him engaging in a planned/organized/hygienic activity.  You do that with a couple of other characters as well (Bishop, I believe).

Little nit-picks so far:

p. 1  - what city in Russia?

p. 3-  what city in Virginia?

p.3 - "like angry parents"?  I think that's a bit too vague; it doesn't really give me a picture.

p.5 -  Bishop's line at the bottom says "as well s"  not "as well as"

Other than that, I'm pumped to keep reading.  Good work!

Thanks for the input, starting yours now

Brett,

Ok, finished!  And I can say, without hyperbole, that your script was one of the best I've read on the site.  Man, I wish I could write descriptions like you.  Fluid, concise descriptions.  Usually actions scenes are bogged down with giant wordy paragraphs, but yours (like the tunnel chase) flowed so nicely.  Good work!

Everything about the script worked; the pacing, the characters (Bishop was a pretty awesome villain), and the story itself.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself and can't imagine someone not producing this.

I did have some usual nitpicks though, and here they are:  

-p.28 - Bishop's dialogue at the top seems a bit clunky.  I'd smooth it out a bit.

-p.41 - "Maybe I should have taken it?"  It seems like that should be a statement.

-p.63- I feel like his death should be different.  I know he's a bit drunk, but I think he'd be a little paranoid and wouldn't just open the door.

(Oh!  This isn't a nitpick, but I just wanted to say that I LOVED Olinsky's death scene.  Very epic/dramatic.  It played out well in my head.)

The only other thing I can say is that I was a little disappointed in the ending with how Bishop is caught.  The tape-recorder is such a commonly used device, I'm a little tired of seeing it.  If you could think of something else, I think it would give it a lot more.  Also, have you considered going more into Bay's backstory or just leaving it kind of a mystery?

Other than that, great job!   I loved the script and breezed right through it.

You rock. Thanks so much. Cheers

I thought your writing was good for the most part, but the story felt full of huge holes to me.  I'll try to hit as many as I remembered:

- Bishop's team was unbelievably inept.  It was almost like you're trying to bash the CIA.  I'm actually going to have to separate all of their mistakes.  For starters, killing Barnhart.  He has hidden something they need.  Something tiny.  They don't have any leads except for Barnhart, and they kill him?  Seriously?  No kidnapping, no torture, no interrogation?  That's a silencing move, not an information extracting move.

- Secondly, they had been working with Barnhart for how many years, and they didn't know about Bay?  Heck, the coroner's office was able to find him before they did.  This is information that they should have had long ago.  Using Bay to lever Barnhart probably should have been something for them to consider before they killed him.

- Third, why didn't they just bring Bay in for questioning?  He had absolutely no reason to refuse.  Not that he could, since they're the CIA.  Instead, they run the world's clumsiest surveillance operation.  They don't even get his medical files at first, though they grab everything else!

- Laying off the CIA team for a while, let's switch to the Russian Mafia.  What the heck would they want with a bomb?  Small bombs for blowing up cars, maybe buildings, sure.  But a cutting-edge, specially developed bomb?  What would they possibly do with that?  And come to think of it, what makes Barnhart's bomb so special anyway?

- Onto Bay.  Why would he jump to the conclusion that somebody's following him?  And why would it cause him to spaz out?  This guy has no reason to suspect anything!

- The head of the Russian Mafia went to the press about having a new superbomb?  Seriously?

- If Mobile One has been following Bay on foot, how does he have a car?  There should be a driver.

- Having a black belt in karate does not make you an action hero.  The car chase is violation one, and the scene at Landon's is a much greater infraction.

- Barnhart performed a secret surgery to hide the chip in Bay's neck, then left a file that could trace back to it?  Really?  And how has Bay been unaware of this chip the whole time?  Assuming his dad fed him a believable line about the surgery, I'd expect that his neck problems would've led him to get an x-ray at some point.

- Infra-red cannot be used on images once they've already been captured.

- Bishop is caught by the confession on a tape recorder trick?  That's the oldest one in the book!  I honestly can't see him spilling his guts like this without something up his sleeve.

As for the writing, I thought your dialogue was really good.  There were a few awkward lines in some places, but on the whole, I thought it flowed very naturally.  The action sequence with the Mole and Bay fighting was excellent.  Really, really well done.  In contrast, I felt the car chase action was extremely hard to follow, and I couldn't really visualize it.

I think most of your character intros were overloaded with unfilmables.  Give us something that actually shows up on screen.

I really think Landon should be introduced earlier in your script.  Not necessarily on-camera, but even just a picture of her and Bay in his apartment would be good.

Finally, I think the bit with Landon disguised as the delivery girl at the end is way too overdone, and a really cheesy note to end on.

Thanks.