Merry Bloody Christmas by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Santa Claus gets a little upset that a presumptuous parent has decided to do his job, and dismissing his hard work. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks Don for posting my script so quickly.  I think I only sent it a day or so ago.

I usually get a second opinion before I post here.  In this case I haven't.

Enjoy.

P.S. Feel free to edit this post Bert.     OK :)

Cute. REAL CUTE. Nice to see you turned a childhood figure into a bully, Jay. Ha ha.


To be honest with you, I was expecting more of a story. Yeah, two people meet and get a kid the same thing, except one of them is real when everyone in the world thinks he's not. When I read the title "Merry Bloody Christmas," I was expecting, like, a fight between Karen and Santa, where Santa would sharpen a candy cane and try and stab Karen, while she grabbed cookies and throw them at Santa like Ninja Stars. Ha ha I dunno, but I wanted there to be more of a payoff. A big fight scene, ya know?


I never knew Santa could be such an ass, though. I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly. :P

Sean

Hey Javier,

I liked your story. When I read the title of the script i thought it was going to have a psycho Santa in it. God knows what Santa can do now days.

I don't know what you could add or take off the script. I think its good the way it is.

Cheers

Javier,

I liked the idea of Santa getting mad about presents given out in his name. That's good.

The writing was fine besides numerous typos, but not that big a deal.

I thought the ended a little on the unsatisfied side though. I'm not sure why.. Maybe because Nathan ended up being the one on the losing end here, but he didn't do anything wrong, so maybe that's why it didn't really feel right. Kind of like the nice little kid was the only one that suffered here.

Anyway, all in all a good job.  :-)

From the title of this script, I thought for sure it was going to be about an axe wielding Santa, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was not.

I enjoyed the read and you did a good job with the story here but I did think you could have taken this a bit further.  Have Santa be a bit more over the top.  Surely it wasn't just Karen that was causing him distress - it's all the parent of the world.  He should be majorly pissed.  And likewise, I'm sure Karen has he own stories about her disillusionment with Santa.  Every parent would.   There's more of a story here - search it out.

I thought the ending could use some improvement as well.  

But overall nicely done.

Cheers.

EDIT: Been thinking about this and I really think Karen and Santa should have a physical fight over the action figure and have this be the way it breaks.  You could also have Nathan witness the fight which might help the ending.  

Or if you want to have Dad step in at an opportune time, you could have him think Mom and Santa are having a bit of a romp.  Then Dad can state he wants a divorce and Santa can get the last laugh.  I don't know - maybe that's taking it a bit too far.  But you get the idea.  

Quoted from Zombie Sean ... When I read the title "Merry Bloody Christmas," I was expecting, like, a fight between Karen and Santa, where Santa would sharpen a candy cane and try and stab Karen, while she grabbed cookies and throw them at Santa like Ninja Stars. Ha ha I dunno, but I wanted there to be more of a payoff. A big fight scene, ya know?

Thanks for the read Sean.  

Bloody is prefix pretty common where I grew up.  People say it when they're not happy.  The all out fight between Santa & Karen would open our eyes, but I didn't want to go way over the edge.  I know the ending is poor but I didn't have a clue as to end this.  I left it for Karen to have a sour taste left in her mouth.

Quoted from Nik ...I liked your story. When I read the title of the script i thought it was going to have a psycho Santa in it...

Thanks for the read Nik.  Unfortunately with a title like that people are going to think the worst.  An all out fight between Santa and nemesis.  I didn't want to go over the top.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I liked the idea of Santa getting mad about presents given out in his name. That's good.

Thanks for the read Pia.

Happy you liked the initial idea.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The writing was fine besides numerous typos, but not that big a deal.

I was wondering about these typos and look at the script.  Discovered it was the wrong one uploaded.  I have since uploaded a newer version that I think has found most of the typos, plus is a little longer in length.  I apologize that you've read this version with typos.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I thought the ended a little on the unsatisfied side though...

I felt bad for making Nathan suffer in all of this.  I feel this was the logical step for Santa getting upset and taking it out on the kid as well as the parent, it's unfortunate there were causalities.  If you can think of a better idea, I'm all ears.

Quoted from mcornetto From the title of this script, I thought for sure it was going to be about an axe wielding Santa, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was not.

Thanks for the read Michael.

I'm pleased you're pleasantly surprised.

Quoted from mcornetto ...I did think you could have taken this a bit further...Santa...over the top...Karen...parents of the world...pissed...Karen has her own stories...Search it out.

I kinda thought of this.  It's just not Karen but the whole world.  I could of harked back to a previous story in a flashback, a fight between Santa Vs The Parents.  Arguments, Santa burning his ass on a fire etc...  Or even houses without chimneys.  In that, the story itself would repeat over and over.

Quoted from mcornetto I thought the ending could use some improvement as well.

Yeah, the ending sucks and needs an overhaul.  Maybe I could have Karen's husband (Danny) come home and start a fist fight.  I wonder what Mrs Claus would think?  Boxing day, Karen answers the door and Mrs Claus knocks her out?

I think I've just thought up an alternative ending.  Should I go with this?

Kind regards,


Javier

p.s.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Quoted Text Bloody is prefix pretty common where I grew up.  People say it when they're not happy.  The all out fight between Santa & Karen would open our eyes, but I didn't want to go way over the edge.  I know the ending is poor but I didn't have a clue as to end this.  I left it for Karen to have a sour taste left in her mouth.

Yeah, I knew that. I figured that was what it meant once I read the logline. It's weird, you have a twist even before the script starts!

Sean

Quoted from mcornetto EDIT: Been thinking about this and I really think Karen and Santa should have a physical fight over the action figure and have this be the way it breaks.  You could also have Nathan witness the fight which might help the ending.   ...

Just saw your 'EDIT' and thought along with my idea, I could have Nathan witness the fight, and maybe have Nathan disliking Santa for hitting his mother.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Yeah, I knew that. I figured that was what it meant once I read the logline. It's weird, you have a twist even before the script starts! Sean

If I do change the ending to the fight, it will end up a Bloody Christmas.  The title might just fit after all. lol.

Hey Javier, really good premise here. As Sean said, this is a cute script.

Nothing really to add that hasn't already been mentioned. If you are going to have a play around with this though I'd suggest making Nathan more of the protagonist and messing about with who's on his side.

My initial thought is to have Santa being the good guy. Karen could know that Santa is real and that he always gets Nathan the most elaborate but inpractical presents; a lion...giraffe....you know, just really daft presents but great at the same time.

Karen has to go through the same routine every year to stop Santa getting in, but this year he finally gets through and can't understand the problem.

Anyway though, don't get me wrong I did really like this. Have to agree with others that the payoff needs to be upped a bit though.

Good stuff.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown Hey Javier, really good premise here. As Sean said, this is a cute script.

Thanks for the read Ste.

Quoted from stebrown ... My initial thought is to have Santa being the good guy. Karen could know that Santa is real and that he always gets Nathan the most elaborate but inpractical presents; a lion...giraffe....you know, just really daft presents but great at the same time. Karen has to go through the same routine every year to stop Santa getting in, but this year he finally gets through and can't understand the problem.

This is a good idea.  Santa vs The Parents.  Who will the kid want a present from the most?  I might not have time to implement this idea this time around.  I might just edit the ending for a battle between Santa & Karen.  

I would like to use this idea next year, but as you kinda have a good template for a Christmas script and if you have the time, feel free to do your version.

Quoted from stebrown Anyway though, don't get me wrong I did really like this. Have to agree with others that the payoff needs to be upped a bit though.

Yeah, the ending has been bugging me.  It ends on a downer and doesn't really have the satisfaction factor that's required.  I might not have the time to rewrite the ending just yet.  Maybe a few days after Christmas.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier. I thought this script was going to have more blood, but instead I find out that Santa Claus is British?

I liked the story, very cute. It seems like we're always looking for new twists on Christmas and you definitely achieved that here.

I'm not sure anyone would want to show Santa rapping a woman on the head with the handle of a whip, though it reminded me of Biff Tannen ("Hello, McFly") and was very funny. That was where I thought it would get bloody.

I liked the Santa character. Very sarcastic and pissed off.

Nice holiday short.

James

Quoted from jayrex I would like to use this idea next year, but as you kinda have a good template for a Christmas script and if you have the time, feel free to do your version.

I won't be doing anything with that idea mate so feel free. It was really just tweaking your idea anyway.

Hey J,

Karen is kind of sadistic, isn't she? Shows Nathan the presents and then sends him off to bed - "Great, mom, you just made it [sarcasm]that[/sarcasm] much easier for me to fall asleep".

Anyway, not much of a story here, it's basically just two people having an argument. It lacks some sort of crisis, something to make it not just Santa spewing anger and apparently "winning" the argument without much resistance from Karen.

I thought Karen was a weak character. When she said: "Who are you? Get out of my house, thief", she should have followed that up by running to fetch the shutgun. Instead she just stands there and stutters. I couldn't tell if she was the protagonist or the antagonist, and that hurt the story.

Cheers
Rob

It was so worth reading this just to see Santa having the big dummy spit and stomp on the boys present. Classic and made me laugh.

Quoted from James R ...I liked the story, very cute. It seems like we're always looking for new twists on Christmas and you definitely achieved that here. ... I liked the Santa character. Very sarcastic and pissed off. Nice holiday short. James

Thanks James for giving my short a read.  Glad you liked it.  And Santa's British as I'm British.

Quoted from Sniper I thought Karen was a weak character. When she said: "Who are you? Get out of my house, thief", she should have followed that up by running to fetch the shutgun. Instead she just stands there and stutters. I couldn't tell if she was the protagonist or the antagonist, and that hurt the story.

Thanks for the read Rob.

Sorry you didn't like the story.  I think the ending could do with upping the stakes but I don't think this will work for you if I fixed it.

As for fetching a shotgun.  I don't think like that as in Britain & Ireland we don't have guns or weapons at hand.  It's not apart of our culture.

Quoted from tonkatough It was so worth reading this just to see Santa having the big dummy spit and stomp on the boys present. Classic and made me laugh.

Thanks for the read tonka, happy you enjoyed it.  Now that I'm back from seeing the old folks.  I'll try to get around to fixing the ending.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier, read this, liked it, made me smile.

Just very quickly, a few things.

About the family...being a Brit too, I instantly knew what you meant by 'Merry Bloody Christmas', but I was confused as to why Karen and Nathan seem to be American (which I'm assuming from Nathan's use of 'mom' and 'mommy')? Not neccessarily a criticism, just curious as to the reasoning behind it. If they are American, would Nathan be getting an Action Man? I'm not even sure if they make those anymore! I learned Danny was the husband from reading a comment you made on the thread, but in the script it wasn't particularly clear and the sudden introduction of that name threw me for a second. Why isn't Danny home on Christmas Eve, anyway?

The idea about a hurt, offended Santa is a nice one, but a couple of things about him seemed confused. It was quite hard to nail down whether Santa was supposed to be British or not...phrases like "little rascal" and of course "merry bloody Christmas" suggest he is, but "get real lady" and "you gotta be kidding me" seem American. Also, is this Santa old, or young? I suppose he must be quite old if he got Karen a present when she was 5, but his language suggests someone younger. Would an older Santa, more reserved in his language but equally upset, be funnier? I didn't feel sorry for this Santa, but I like the idea of him maybe being an older man who nobody seems to take seriously anymore, rather than the young, brash, aggresive guy here. So Karen could feel really bad about upsetting an old man, but then he does something really unexpectedly mean when she's not expecting it. Just a thought.

Maybe Nathan could see Santa? This is all about who gets to give the little guy a present, after all. Perhaps him being witness to the argument could work.

A few typos:

PAGE 1:

- KAREN: "That'd boy."  - What did you mean by that? Either I'm missing something obvious or it doesn't make sense. Probably the former.
- 'She lets goes of Nathans hand' - apostrophe missing

PAGE 3:

- SANTA CLAUS: "You damn right a present." - 'You' instead of 'You're'

PAGE 6

- SANTA CLAUS: "Lets see how Nathan will take this." - 'Lets' instead of 'Let's'

I liked this overall, thought it worked nicely. But hope my feedback's useful.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Hey Javier, read this, liked it, made me smile.

Thanks for the read JonnyBoy.  Happy it made you smile.

Quoted from JonnyBoy ...I was confused as to why Karen and Nathan seem to be American (which I'm assuming from Nathan's use of 'mom' and 'mommy')? Not neccessarily a criticism, just curious as to the reasoning behind it.

My software is American and so I kinda get lazy.  I don't like seeing those red lines under my words and I can't be bothered adding mum into the dictionary.

Quoted from JonnyBoy ...would Nathan be getting an Action Man? I'm not even sure if they make those anymore!

I tried to think of a toy that only a boy would want as opposed to a PS3.  When even the dad wants it.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I learned Danny was the husband from reading a comment you made on the thread, but in the script it wasn't particularly clear and the sudden introduction of that name threw me for a second. Why isn't Danny home on Christmas Eve, anyway?

Sometimes people aren't home on Christmas eve.  There are so many jobs that prevent people from being at home like a night shift worker, police officer, lorry driver, security etc...  I didn't want the confrontation between Santa & Karen to be a three way.  I might introduce the father at the end, after Karen gives Santa a dose of her fists of female fury.

Quoted from JonnyBoy It was quite hard to nail down whether Santa was supposed to be British or not...phrases like "little rascal" and of course "merry bloody Christmas" suggest he is, but "get real lady" and "you gotta be kidding me" seem American.

That's my fault.  Those lines are common from where I grew up in N.Ireland.  I know they don't say this in England but back home is different.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Maybe Nathan could see Santa? This is all about who gets to give the little guy a present, after all. Perhaps him being witness to the argument could work.

Maybe next year.

Quoted from JonnyBoy A few typos:...

The first two I've fixed, thanks.  The second two were already fixed.  I may have spotted those earlier and uploaded the corrections.  Did you save my script at an earlier date?

Quoted from JonnyBoy I liked this overall, thought it worked nicely. But hope my feedback's useful.

Thanks for the feedback Jonny.  All feedback is good.  Keep it up.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from TravisAF ... I didn't really feel a real closing/ending to the story, either....

Thanks for the read Travis, I appreciate the positive comments.

I think this is the mean point people made.  I think that with a satisfying ending people will forgive the rest of the script.

I will get around to this once I find the time.  So busy these days.

Kind regards,


Javier

From the title I wasn’t sure if there would be a ton of blood or Santa Xmas time made British.

Either way I liked it.

HA! i loved every line that came out of Santa's mouth. The character seemed cynical and irritated. Someone I can relate too 

Anyway, I really don't know how to properly comment on it because the read was so fast. That has to be a success on your part. Reading your work is painless and fun.

So, good story, fun Santa, jolly news all around!     

Bryan

Quoted from BryMo ... Either way I liked it. ... Anyway, I really don't know how to properly comment on it because the read was so fast. That has to be a success on your part. Reading your work is painless and fun. So, good story, fun Santa, jolly news all around!      Bryan

Thanks for the read Bryan, happy you liked it and that it was painless & fun.

Kind regards,


Javier

I felt so sorry for that little boy i wanted to cry.   I think Santa made an ass of himself.  I thin kshe'd be too shocked to run and do anything.

It was a good script.  I just felt sorry for the little boy.

Thanks Steven for giving this Christmas script a read.  

Happy you felt it was a good script.