The Elevator by Steve Nazarian - Short - A woman learns the hard way that in her office building you should ALWAYS take the stairs. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello. I just read your script. There are some good sections where it has a real flow, but I can't help but feel that I just read a couple of short scenes from a larger idea. It somehow didn't feel complete. I think you have some good dialogue chops but felt the excessive profanity was a bit much. This feels like it could be a situational comedy television show. Not bad though.
A

Thanks for reading the script and your comments!

Your first comment is very interesting because most of my shorts really start off as random free writes and lack the structure I would have in place for a longer script. This one was probably twice a long, sort of like you said a situational comedy but the parts with the elevator kind of stood out so i chopped everything out to make it focus on the elevator. I think it is mainly on point in that respect now but it could probably be tightened further, or maybe as you say expanded back out into something bigger. With shorts though usually the more specific the subject matter the better.

I DO use quite a bit of profanity. I'll admit to it being lazy writing at times but it's also my style. I love swearing and always find it hilarious when it comes from someone you wouldn't expect to do it. The funny thing is this script has probably less profanity than the norm for me! I could definitely write a cleaner version though. To be honest it is something I always struggle with as a writer, especially with comedy where swearing seems to be a personal preference.

Thanks so much again for taking the time read the script. I really appreciate the feedback :-)

Steve

There’s a lot to like with this script.  I love the idea of a possessed elevator.  I like how Sally descends into madness (esp. when she talks to the other imaginary passengers – or maybe lost souls of the elevator’s previous victims).  I also like the exaggerated reality of the office (smoking cartons of ciggies on break, and gas masks).

There are a couple small glitches that distracted me from being totally immersed in this crazy little world.  First is the fact that the whole reason Sally was taking the elevator was so that Doug wouldn’t figure out that it was her who smelled like sh*t (which he would have if she went up the stairs with him).  This whole motivation is eliminated as soon as it takes the elevator more than a minute to arrive.  After this amount of time, she can simply go up the stairs by herself, slip into the ladies room, clean up, and not have to risk the elevator.  For the internal logic of the story to hold up she either has to be able to get into the elevator right away and get trapped, or she needs another reason she can’t use the stairs and must wait for the elevator.

The other little problem I had was that she was lost in the elevator for days.  Yes, I know this isn’t meant to be reality, but 4 days without food, water, shower, or bathroom and she comes out smelling fine?  And no one tries to rescue her – not even Doug, her prince charming?  I like the idea that she goes on this epic journey without ever leaving the elevator, but maybe if you could somehow fill in the gaps with some kind of explanations (even if they’re lame ones).  Maybe she had the donuts and coffee for the big meeting, and she douses herself with perfume upon escaping, anything like that would give you a chance to add more humor and loosely cover up some of the "holes."

Format/Mechanical Notes:
General: You have your characters use each other’s names a lot in dialogue.  This is going to sound weird after a few times.  You can take out almost all of them and it would make the dialogue flow better.
General: You put a lot of stuff in all caps.  It’s a matter of personal style, but I find it very distracting, more difficult to read, and it pulls me out of the flow of the story world.
Pg.  2: The title page shouldn’t count as page 1.  Page 1 is the page that starts with FADE IN, and this first page number should be suppressed.
Pg. 2: “piece of dog sh*t” might be better as “pile of dog sh*t”
Pg. 2: VOICE should be FEMALE VOICE
Pg. 2: We don’t really need Janet’s age unless it’s significant (in this case she could be from 30 to 60 and it wouldn’t impact the story).
Pg. 3: “Soon as I finish this carton of cigarettes” – Since she then holds up the carton, there’s no real need to spell it out in dialogue.  You could just have: “Soon as I finish this.” Janet holds up a carton of cigarettes.
Pg. 4: “hold” should be “holds”
Pg. 9: “we’s” should be “we’d”
Pg. 12: “She looks like she just got back from Vietnam” – So, she’s a bit tired from the jet lag?  I’m guessing you mean like she just got back from the Vietnam War?  And even so, this still isn’t quite what you really mean.  And the reference is awfully dated.  See if you can’t find a better way to capture this image in words.

Thanks for the laughs!  Good luck!