Al Young by Will Phelps - Short, Drama - A middle aged man, Al Young, lives most of his life at a gas station as the manager, where he has befriended and met many people from the small suburban town. On what it seems like a normal day at work, Al experiences and gets some horrific news. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Will,

I think you maybe very young like 12 or something like that.  Excuse me if this is a very bad guess.

I highly advise you read other scripts on the site by some of the experienced writers.  You'll learn a lot.

As for your story.  Well it essentially is in a nutshell, eight pages of filler.  The main part of the story between Lou & Pepper has nothing to do with your logline but is essentially the main story.  And nothing really happens.  If the story is really about Al and his mother, then you should concentrate on his story, otherwise change the logline to Lou & Pepper the horny teenagers.

If a character is going to appear in your script but isn't going to speak.  For example the MIDDLE AGED MAN who doesn't speak but is a character used to drive parts of the story.  He should be highlighted in capitals.

Keep your paragraphs to four/five lines.

I think you used MS Word then changed to a pdf format.  Download Celtx, it's free and saves in pdf.

Fade in:
Fade out.

You can trim the first page to about a paragraph.

Why are condoms behind the counter?  And why do they have sensors on them?

You have symbols that serve no purpose:  ¬†

You write that there are many young and middle aged people in the store, yet it appears there is only one person, being the middle aged man.

Write what can be filmed and seen.  E.g.

Her hair is usually blond, but she had it dyed red.

Her hair can be usually black, brown or grey, and isn't necessary.

The intro can be:

INT. GAS STATION - MORNING

AL YOUNG (52), works for a modestly busy gas station.  He stares out at the morning sun.  It's reflection catches the top of CAMILA ANDERSON's car pulling into the station.

I hope this has helped you Will.  If you do a rewrite I'd be happy to read it and give you some feedback on it.

All the best,


Javier

Will,

I had the same feeling as Jayrex, that you are a young writer with not much experience in the screenplay format.  Your first page reads more like a novel.  A screenwriter only describes what is necessary and what can be seen there on the screen.

"People are always at the pump putting gas in their cars
because this is the most convenient gas station
for residents."

How is a viewer supposed to know this fact just by looking at an image of a gas station?  Remember, only write what is necesary.  Eliminate all extraneous description.

Now, you need more of a story.  As it is, a couple kids come in the store and try to steal condoms, then Al finds out his mother dies.  There's no plot there.  Get a specific idea in mind.  Think of something fresh or inventive that could happen.  A twist that no one would expect.  Make it a complete story with a beginning, middle and end and fill it with interesting characters.

Read as many scripts on here as you can.  You'll catch on quick.  

Cam

Hey Will

I agree with both Jayrex and Cam17, learn the trick of the trade and always practise.

In addition the plot isn't great, when I read the first scene I thought something interesting will happen here that will change the nature of this gas station, maybe like a horrific accident or a cruel twist of fate, but nothing just theft and a death.

Hi Will,

This is a nice effort.  You have some interesting characters, and it shows some promise.  But, as the others have mentioned, you have quite a bit of work ahead of you to hammer this into shape.

This script is a series of mainly unrelated events, not a story.  There is a glimmer of a story here in the young couple and the problem they face.  They have a goal, obstacles, and a choice to make.  They make a bad choice, but don't really suffer for it (beyond some embarrassment).  Al, Camila, the Mexican family, and the magazine guy are all minor or unnecessary characters in this script.  You named the script after Al, but his only real role in the story is to let the kids off with a warning.  This isn't worthy of casting him as the main character.  For this he should be the one with a goal, and making choices and driving the story.  In a short especially, you don't have time or space to dawdle around - make every word and character count.

Scripts are meant to be made into films.  So you have to write visually.  What do we see on the screen?  We see that Camila's hair is red, there is no way we can see that it used to be blonde unless a character mentions it.  This should only be mentioned if her former hair color is important to this story, and it isn't.  This might be a good way to reveal character in a story or a novel, but not a screenplay.  

Next, describe actions as clearly and economically as possible.  Toward the end, Al answers the phone and you write:

Quoted Text Al extends his arm out to answer the phone, which sits by the cash register. He picks up his phone and opens the top screen, putting it to his ear. A voice of a middle aged female speaks on the other end of the line.

This is waaay to much description dedicated to a simple action that we all have everyday experience with.  This should be...

Quoted Text Al's cell phone rings, he answers it.

"he answers it" contains all the information we need to "see" what he's doing, we don't need every little detail, unless it is somehow significant to the plot.  We know he needs to reach out his arm to get the phone, it doesn't matter where the phone is (pocket, counter, next to register, whatever), it doesn't matter that it's a flip phone, we know one has to put a phone to one's ear to use it, and we'll hear the voice when the line is spoken, so no need to describe it here, and where else is the voice going to be coming from but from the other end of the line?

Finally, if you want to be taken seriously as a writer, you have to do a better job of proofreading.  There are far too many typos and misspellings in such a short piece.  It's always a good idea to have someone else look over your work with fresh eyes to catch the mistakes you missed.  Along the same lines, if you want to be taken seriously as a screenwriter, you'll need to get the format closer to the Hollywood standard.

This is a good start.  You clearly have some good instincts and just need to keep practicing the craft so your mechanical and storytelling skills become stronger.  Keep writing and good luck!