Eternity by David Rodney Hulbert II (dlhulbert) - Short - You can only escape your crimes for so long. Eventually they will catch up to you. 8 pages - doc, format 8)

I would just like to thank anyone the reads my script and invite them to critique and add any input you might have. :)  Now I know that there may be some gramatical errors and when you catch them please advise.

I look forward to hearing from you all!

David Hulbert

Well I’m happy to announce you don’t have a ton of spelling errors. There are some other things wrong, however.

First off, get rid of the different colored lettering please. It really doesn’t look good.

Secondly, you have some dialogue in descriptive paragraphs. They have to go. You also have insinuated action and dialogue in some cases. For example, the patient….threatens the man in the coat not to stick him or else; If he says or does something, you need to write it.

The description blocks are much too large. They need to be broken up more.

You don’t need to place dialogue into quotations.

Here is a list of spelling/grammar errors that I saw:

P1 - your not crazy - you’re
P1 - to pussy - too
P2 - celling looking down - ceiling
P5 - He roles - rolls
P6 - repediaty - repeatedly

Also, you’re missing some sluglines.


About the story:

It wasn’t bad. It was a little obvious in the flashbacks who the assailant was. It had a good premise (for a short) but the execution needs some work. The dialogue is fairly realistic in most instances, pushing it in a few. The description wasn’t bad but it suffered a little from (or got swallowed by) the big blocks.

Overall, not too bad. It is much better than it looks upon initial inspection. So you really need to get your format worked out so it doesn’t prevent your work from getting read more often.


Breanne

Thank you very much! This helps a lot. As for the Flashbacks, I was thinking about removing them. What do you think?  Would that help on the predictability?

That’s a tough one. Removing them would certainly make it less predictable but it would remove some of the coherency of the story along with some of the motivation for the main character.

Personally I think it would be best to look for creative ways for the main character to recall the victims without being so obvious as to the actual event; to create more mystery. Instead of being outright flashbacks, being sort of mixes of memory and fantasy; for example with the tire iron victim, maybe just showing the man with a head injury and saying something cryptic initially. Then at another point introducing the tire iron but not piecing it utterly to the head injury; that type of thing.

I think that’s what you were trying to do by showing the flashback from the assailant’s POV and then later showing the actual assailant. So I think you’re essentially on the right path. I just think it needs more mystery. Reveal the event in bits and pieces rather than immediately showing the event. As soon as we see the event, even from the assailant’s POV, we immediately know what’s going on and it’s no large leap in logic to connect the dots to our protagonist. It needs to be revealed in such a way as to make us wonder who these people even are and why are they haunting our protagonist. If we immediately know who they are, we immediately know why they’re haunting our protagonist.


Breanne

David

I think Breanne gave you some sound advice above so I'll try not to repeat what he said. all I say is you haven't got a bad concept, it just needs to developed some more. As it stands its far too predictable, or rather there is hardly a pay off at all as it is very obvious from the get-go that the victims are the result of Patients wrongdoings.

The flashbacks only confirms our already overwhelming suspicions.

I would suggest a name for the lead character too instead of patient, although thats no big deal.

But first things first, you need to get it formatted properly, Celtx is a great piece of software & more importantly can be dowloaded for free.

Then read, read, read...that is the best way to learn the craft plus pick up some useful techniques along the way to help tell your story more effectively.

Examples of "do nots" when writing screenplays

- Never ever say "we look" or "we see" as us, "the reader" are not there.

- Restrict the use of the suffix "ing" as much as you can.

- Never give camera shots, or angle suggestions unless completely necessary, that  is the directors job & they generally don't fancy been told what to do.

- Action block should no more then four lines long.

- If a characters dialogue is broken up with some action text make sure to put his/her name over the the second part of dialogue too.

On that note: ALWAYS have the characters name over dialogue at ALL times.

There are loads more little annoying rules & regulations that you'll pick up over time, we were all the same starting out (I still make rudimentary errors to this day) it is a craft in which you'll always be learning something new with, so stick at it.

Fortunately, you've taken the first couple of steps by actually getting something down on papar & then finding to this site to get it out there. So far so good.

Best of luck

Col.

This is great advice! Thanks!
I know my structure needs help. I have no formal training on that. We are actual gonna start filmingon this script this week and I am gonna make the changes your guys have inspired and enlightened me to. I will also post a link to the finished project for further input.

Thanks again guys.,
I will keep writing and posting!

How do i post the rewrite of the script?  I made some changes I think will close those gaps and put it in proper form. We started filming yesterday, It is going great so far!

Just submit the new draft like you did the first but remember to tell Don that it's a revision of an earlier posted script. It no problem at all.

Sweet thanks!

This is a very intensive rewrite!! please please critqie!! We are actually in the last days of shooting it. But, I still would like to here from all of you on the script.

Thanks!

David Hulbert

This was a bit prdictable for me. I'm a big fan of horror films and the setting and scenario just felt too similar to many films in the horror genre.
Its a decent idea but security guards ignoring monitors and people dissapearing at second glance is a bit too obvious.
I think if he left the prison/ hospital it would be more interesting, make it feel like HE had escaped then the you might not see the end coming. The fact he wakes up and is basically free means something is not as it should be, that normally indicates he is dead or it's not real etc.. Maybe i watch too many films in this genre that it seems predictable to me. I just think with a change of scennry in there and the viewer being steered away the climax could be the stunning shock it deserves to be.

I'd have to agree with a lot of the above.  The one thing I would disagree with is "we see", etc.  On occasion it's fine to use.  Just don't use it for everything.  Same with POV. I know a lot of people think these things are death to a script, but as long as they aren't over used, they're just fine.  I've used both in my scripts at times.  I've also been to some development meetings.  The reason the script I used them in was turned down was that the line producer gave them a budget estimate of $1.5M when they were looking for $1M or less.  "We see" was not given as a reason for not optioning/purchasing the script.

Best of Luck and Life,
Jerry W. Hawkins
http://www.HawkinsFilms.com

Well, Eternity, is finished. We rapped up the shoot today!! here is a link to the trailer http://www.eternityfilm.com let me know what you all think!!  

Thanks again for all the help!!

David Hulbert

That looks excellent! very keen to see the whole film, might have been too hasty in my comments!  ;D

Thanks! The film should be available for public viewing by Friday.

David,

The trailer looks great.  I didn't realize you were the same guy who produced Splitsville, otherwise I would have commented earlier.  Can't wait to see the finished film. Good job.

Cam

Hello David,

Not sure if this is the brand new script so here goes.

It's an interesting idea.  Not sure if I've got the full picture as pages 4,5 & 6 were blank.

If you download Celtx as previously mentioned, it'll fix your slugs, colours and margins.

As much as you should name the patient, which isn't a big deal.  I do however think you should name The Man In A Lab Coat to plain old Doctor, or Dr Mills etc...

Instead of Everything goes black, write Fade To Black.

Break up the large chunks of writing and don't use speech marks for dialogue as it's a given.

Also, remove the 'is' words as it'll speak up the read.  The room is dark or the room's dark.  Slightly quicker to read.

Overall an interesting read although I suspect the missing pages would give me a better overall picture.

Also, the trailer looks neat.

All the best,


Javier

The trailer looks damn good, man. Very professional.

My Director is gonna kill me, but I really do want to have your input on the almost finalized Movie.

http://www.vimeo.com/3962172

The film will be submitted to Sundance.