Standards of Bovine by Kevin Bowden (kabow) - Drama - A reclusive college student in a long-distance relationship gets roped into a job at a suspicious ranch. 75 pages - pdf, format 8)

hi kev, i read your script and have a few points to bring up.

first, the formatting. the writing was fine, except for the action paragraphs: way too long. i was doing the same thing until recently advised to keep them to a max of five lines(even four if possible). some good advice i got was to space the descriptions out.

now to the story itself. it became a little confusing. i thought it was going to be a comedy of sorts or at least a satire. the title has a comedic feel to it.
i couldn't really see the drama in it, but then this was the first script of this section i've read. the characters of ethan and alex were well written but they seemed to just meander along dreamily. your cultural references(john lennon-my number hero) hinted at a more interesting plotline but didn't really eventuate. and mr ojan's long phone conversations became a little tiring, because of the block of dialogue.
but, hey, the pace of the script was good,from a purely technnical point of view.
i hope my comments have been helpful. cheers

Thanks so much for reading this. I really appreciate it.

I totally agree with the action thing. Can I just start a new paragraph midway through the action or do I need to shorten the action paragraph word wise.

It was orginally written as a comedy but I don't think it has all the elements of a comedy. It probablyy doesn't have all the elements of a drama either.

They do kind of drift through the story. This is my first attempt at a script and I think I muffed up some of the key points to writing a script. The only exterior problem for Ethan is trying to break-up with Jordan, but that's really not a serious problem. At least not one to make a movie about.

I think you're right about Ojan's phone conversations. I'm going to shorten them.

Hey Kev. Yeah, I think you can do either with the action bits. Spread the lines out or

shorten them. Maybe one of the more experienced SS guys can elaborate on this.

I think you should decide exactly what genre it's gonna be too. thta would give the
writing and
thus, the characters more purpose. Perhaps do a detailed outline before you do a

re-write. Anyway, glad to offer some advice. Cheers

Hey man, I just saw this and thought I'd give it a quick read.  I'm stopping after the first 10 pages or so.  Here's my advice...

Like Steve said, your action paragraphs are insanely long.  They don't look good, and they don't read well.  You have to break them up big time.  Each "paragraph” shouldn't be more than 4 lines.  If for some reason, you have to go into a 5th line, then so be it, but that shouldn't happen very often, if ever.

Think of them as independent thoughts or actions, and break them up that way.  For instance, using what you've got currently...

“Water gleams in the clouded lights of an old apartment complex. Chairs and tables are chained to the cement. The pool is empty except for a beach ball floating in the water.  ETHAN shoots out from under the water, breathing heavily. He is in his early twenties, wearing only his boxers. His medium long hair is flung back revealing his deep blue eyes and juvenile attempt at a beard. He catches his breath. He takes a deep breath and dunks himself into the water again. He waits under water about 15 seconds. He begins to shake. He shoots himself back up.”

Without changing a single word, it should read something like this…

“Water gleams in the clouded lights of an old apartment complex. Chairs and tables are chained to the cement. The pool is empty except for a beach ball floating in the water.

ETHAN shoots out from under the water, breathing heavily. He is in his early twenties, wearing only his boxers. His medium long hair is flung back revealing his deep blue eyes and juvenile attempt at a beard.

He catches his breath. He takes a deep breath and dunks himself into the water again. He waits under water about 15 seconds. He begins to shake. He shoots himself back up.”

Now, I’m not recommending that you “not change a single word” in this passage, but see how much better this looks and reads?  Breaks allow the reader to easily “read” what you’ve written, without losing their place, and having to try and figure out exactly where they were.  They also show natural breaks in action, or description, or new ideas, characters, etc.

Also, try and keep in mind what is important and what isn’t.  When writing a screenplay, you can’t give all the information and description that you probably would like to, because it’s just not important and no one really cares.  Things like what characters are wearing…unless it’s somehow important to the story, or funny, or something, leave them out.  Same thing with describing a setting.

For instance, does it matter that the chairs and tables are chained to the cement?  Will that somehow come into play later?

Don’t use actual numbers in a script unless you’re referring to something like a highway (Highway 401, for instance).  Spell them out.

In terms of dialogue, and conversation, keep in mind what will be playing on the screen while said dialogue is taking place.  If you’ve got 2 characters talking for a long while, it could get dull really fast, unless there are things going on while they’re talking.

Also, realize that 1 page of script equals about 1 minute of screen time.  It won’t always follow this “rule”, but in the long run, it’s something you need to understand and always keep in mind.

Hope this helps a bit.  Best of luck to ya!

Thanks a lot. I'm starting to understand more of the basics of screenwriting. This really helps me. I really appreciate you taking a look.
I understand about minimal description, but I heard someone say something about "properly introducing a character". I assume that meant describing briefly their image.
I really don't know but I think I'm getting closer into how a screenplay works.

I definitely agree that their is a lot of unnecessary dialogue.

I think I understand how to write action. Keep it minimal, and split it up into each individual idea.

I really appreciate the help, anything else you can add I would really appreciate it.