Dance of the Dunce by Tim Delaney - Short, Comedy - Who makes the better clown...the clown who graduates at the top of his class?  Or, the class clown? 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Got down to Carl's last lines on page 2 and stopped. Very gross.

Okay, apart from the poor formatting (incorrect use of CUT TO's, and incorrect introduction of characters - Their names need to be in block capitals the first time we see them on screen), this script just wasn't funny.

The script could easily have started with Carl trying out for the Clown job... The first part of the script was pretty pointless, apart from showing Carl to be an un-funny, un-likeable protagonist. Plus, you refer to the first scene with Carl's dialogue; "Ummm...okay. I ah want to be a clown because my high school guidance counselor said I tested very high on being a clown." This piece of dialogue tells us all we need to know.

I got to page 5, and couldn't read on. It was boring, dragged on, and just wasn't funny. You've gone for the Judd Apatow, R rated dialogue... But it just didn't work here. It seemed un-realistic, and just didn't work.

You main problem was the length of the overall script, and the length of the scenes... Make the scenes shorter, and snappier. Make the dialogue crisper. There is too much dialogue on these pages.

Toby.

I finished this but I had many problems with it, mainly with the main character. He is just so unlikable in every single way, he is not funny, he is not smart, he is not nice.  I do not think throwing around a bunch of dirty words and phrases for no reason makes you a clown. The "one-liners" too were not funny they kind of seemed like they were restored out of Diablo Cody's recycling bin.  Maybe work on the Carl character, mainly his personality and this will be much better

I really liked the first part of the script, even though the format was a tad bit wrong. The problem is that Carl seems to become more childlike as the script moves along. Also the use of the word "Dude" gets annoying after awhile. I didn't think the story was completely bad, but I wouldn't ever read it again.

This script could have been so much better.  First, it wasn't funny.  There was no "real" humor in the dialogue.  Through-out, I became more disturbed while reading this rather then enjoying it.  The main character was more upset with "life" in general.  Not meaning by living, but just by how others looked at him.  Maybe I'm ranting here, but you would think that instead of becoming more of a problem and flunking out of "Clown School", he would have made an actual attempt of becoming something instead of a failure.  Does that make sense?  That's how I am interpreting this script.  This guy was a failure in school, so what makes you think he would succeed elsewhere in life?

In my mind, this story could have gone in to several directions.  Instead of making this character a complete and utter failure, he could have shown everyone that he was a credit to something rather than being nothing.  Still, I did not find this humorous at all.  I didn't laugh and there was no real "comedy" within the script.  I will never tell another writer how to write their script.  I will say though, maybe make another attempt at this one.  Just a thought.

I’ve got a feeling this guy isn’t going to reply.

Quoted from Pleb I’ve got a feeling this guy isn’t going to reply.

Safe bet.

The title is a bit awkward. In a sense, I wasn't able to relate the story with the title. Plus the story feels scattered. Not a fan of this.

Lol, this is almost 11 years old. Not way the writer gonna read this. Anyway....

Tim.

...of all said above. Yes, the writing / format is bad.

I read between all that. And let me tell you; THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST COMEDY / LAUGHS I've ever read.

You had me in stitches with laughter! You have a natural talent for story telling.

WELL DONE!  

The writer never responded to his feedback back in 2009 so guys... best to review current scripts, or at least those where you've a chance that your words won't fall on deaf ears.

Hi LC

...the writer never responded. We did, as evident hereto. Maybe now he will? Lets give the guy a gap.  

TIM - Don't make me look bad here!

So ye... The writer never responds.

I notice with interest - His script title page states: REVISION - 268 ~ After 268 rewrites and the formatting is still so bad! A comedy indeed!