Volunteer by Santosh Sandhu - Short - Raj, a self centered young Indian man volunteers to help in an old folks’ home. He doesn’t do it out of kindness but he’s struggling to find work and thinks volunteering will look good on his CV. He is asked to care for Peter, a WWII veteran who can no longer walk without assistance and whose eyesight is fading. Peter resents other peoples’ help and isn’t too keen on Raj. Peter often bemoans the fact that the only volunteering people did when he was young was to fight for king and country.  9 pages - doc, format 8)

Santosh

First off your logline is far too long, 1 or 2 lines being the usual. You have told us half the story & I haven't even clicked on the link yet.

That aside, you've a got a nice story here. Very relevant too the whole "have a degree but no job" complaint, especially given the economic woes of late. I was like that for a few months only last year, it sucks a?s.

PETER
(annoyed)
You should care. Many of your forefathers
fought and died so you could live a free
life. Show them some respect. What the hell
did they teach you in school? Got a good
degree? You don’t know anything. Leave me
alone.

I don't have a problem with the dialogue, on the contrary it’s quite a potent little rant from Peter but you should specify the phrasing of it here & there.

He's an old man delivering a lengthy speech, Include a (pause) or (beat) as he'll need to catch a breath at some stage, maybe after "respect" or "degree". Detail some expression/body language to convey Peter's resentment towards Raj..

Now I know this can be overdone (I have been accused of it myself in the past) however I feel something is required here to break up the dialogue.

I realise its required for the story to progress but it annoys me the way Raj keeps going back to Peter, when the old timer is clearly a bitter old wa?ker. Maybe have the Nurse insist Raj go sit beside Peter as opposed to Raj giving in & going back to him every time.

RAJ
Sorry if I sounded rude the other day.
I didn’t mean to offend you. -- Far too appeasing in my opinion, its Peter who should be apologising. However, to your credit Peter does thaw out a little from here on.

The toy soldiers coming to life was a clever device to make Raj empathise (to the best of his imagination & presumably limited knowledge of the event) with Peter, nicely done.

"when Gandhi asked Indian troops to mutiny." -- Is mutiny the correct term. I think Gandhi would have phrased it better, less hostile anyway. When I think of mutiny I think rebellion, violence, bloodshed -- not really up Gandhi's street I would think. He might have asked them to defect or boycott maybe (or of course you could be right)

RAJ
Get well soon. You’ve still got
to tell me what you did after the
war. – Again a (pause) or (beat) after “soon” wouldn’t go astray here

"Raj goes to find the Nurse" -- It goes straight into dialogue from here, you don't say where he found the Nurse, or what she is doing. More detail needed.

RAJ
Peter is in a really bad way. I
don’t think he’s going to make it
through the night.


Is he not jumpin' the gun a little, saying "he won't last the night"? Can he predict that from Peter’s demeanour??

The subsequent death of Peter happened too fast for me. Especially after Raj has just expressed fears that "he won't last the night" Could the Nurse's have been that negligent as to not see the sudden deterioration in Peter's health?

I liked the closing sequence, taking the toy soldier was a sweet touch & a nice finish.

This wasn’t bad, some nice exchanges though the prose could be improved.. You must have done a little research as Peter relays the battle scenes in detail. Some might find that it turns into a bit of a history lesson halfway thru but I didn’t mind, it was educational more than anything.

I suggest reading as much as you can & see how scripts are written pick up on the various techniques & rules associated with it. It’s a great way to perfect your own craft as well as seeing the standard out there and what better site then here, you’re at the right place at least.

Good Job

Col.