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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Action/Adventure Scripts  /  Cowboy Country
Posted by: Don, January 25th, 2009, 10:58am
Cowboy Country by Brian Childers - Action - Living in Wyoming, Jake McCoy expects many things: bad weather, cowboys, wild horses and oil wells. What he didn’t expect was to foil a terrorist attack and become involved in one of the biggest threats to U.S. security in American history. With the passing of a planet saving embargo, oil wars spark, and the target is America’s western refineries. 107 pages - doc, format 8)
Posted by: hawkinsfilms, January 26th, 2009, 4:30pm; Reply: 1
First impresion is that you need to read more scripts. The format on this is very not good.  I'm not one of the Rule Police who will cry foul for every "we see" or "POV" you use however, the formatting issues go way beyond those things. In your opening sequence at the oil field you switch locations severl times without so much as a slug line or even just something like:

We move into the-

OFFICE

Instead it's written in dense paragraphs which belong in a novel and not in a screenplay.  

Another example is the introduction of your hero:
"Leaning against a bulldozer is a man. It is the cowboy, and from our first encounter with him, we realize his centrality to the story. JAKE COLE McCOY(late 30’s) is a true modern cowboy. He stands out from the other people milling about the site. Despite the hardhat and steel toe boots, Jake McCoy looks like he just got off the range. Growing up in a world of rodeos, ranches and feedlots, McCoy has the hard edge of Western experience.

Wearing a gray shirt and Wrangler jeans, he is ruggedly handsome. His eyes are intense but bright and he wears a serenity on his face that tells us he has seen life, understands life, and is waiting for life to come grab him around the throat, again. This is a man of adventure and risk that sees the West as it was decades before; when a man was both a gentleman and a rebel, a worker and a defender of the American way of life. Jake is a patriot and an individual, aged by a seedy past with little intention of slowing down in the future. He’s our guy, our hero, our cowboy. He is just about to dig into his lunch when we HEAR a cellular phone ring."

No.  Not in a script.  That's novel formatting.  Your writing needs to be more economical in a script.  We don't need two paragraphs about the guy.  Sorry, but that's just the way scripts are written.  Screenwriting is not prose.  If you feel that you need that much to describe your hero check out the script to Terminator.  J. Cameron used a few lines to describe each main character as they were introduced.  He got across the point that you're trying to make in a lot less words.  It's something to check out.

Just as a side note you might want to re-work your dialog to cut the profanity down some as well.  I can understand that people in certain jobs speak a certain way (I was a soldier, so I'm familiar with four letter words.  I know them well), but you're shooting for an R rating just based on the number of F-Bombs contained in the script. Not a big deal in the long run, but it wouldn't hurt to cut them down some just for presentation.

I'll finish reading the script (I like the premise) and comment on the story asap.

Best of Luck and Life,
Jerry W. Hawkins
http://www.HawkinsFilms.com
Posted by: hawkinsfilms, February 25th, 2009, 10:57am; Reply: 2
Overall your story has potential.  As I said above, work on more economical script writing (not prose) and you'll do well.  For me it was hard to stay in the story based on the thickness of the writing.  I think it's because my mind knew I was reading a script and was expecting it to be written in a certain manner.  To tell you the truth though pro readers wouldn't read much of it until you cut down your wording.  I hate to sound like a broken record, but that's an important thing.  Currently this script screams, I don't know how to write a script!!! despite the fact that you can tell a story.  That's what studio/production company readers will glean from this.  

I'd love to see a future draft and/or any other work you may do.

Best of Luck and Life,
Jerry W. Hawkins
http://www.HawkinsFilms.com
Posted by: ed, February 26th, 2009, 2:42pm; Reply: 3
hi Brian its Ed when writing a spec script remember  you do not have to explain every detail just explain what they do I will give you a few examples
EXAMPLE
you write
we watch as jake packs up his belongings and climbs into the dozer
it should read something like this
jake pack,s his belongings climbs into the dozer
you write
the rig is still burning
it should read
the rig burns
I would recommend you buy a book called the screenwriters bible by David trottier i hope this helps this book will tell you everything you need to know about spec writing
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