Quoted from Colkurtz8 Great intro to this which demands a special mention. ... We may have seen it a hundred times before but I loved your depiction of it and in such few, well placed words too, straight away setting the tone for the piece. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 "A flap of its skull hangs open from a bullet wound." A red hole, like a third eye, opens in the Boy’s forehead. He coughs once, falls backwards and dies. -- Damn, I love these two lines, violent, disturbing & highly visual, just thinking of the poor kid coughing before dropping to his knees. What an odd but evocative reaction to make him do once we see the bullet seared through his forehead. Did you see happen it in a film? |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 HAROLD Connor didn’t make it. Jim pours himself another shot. JIM Good. -- I know this Jim is being portrayed as a mean SOB, the devil incarnate but this was perhaps a little too much, almost petulant from him, possibly trying too hard to show his indifference to the heinous act he’s just committed. I think having Jim ignore him completely and resume his drinking would say a lot more, and be all the more unnerving for Harold. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Jim has his shirt open and is examining the wound on his gut.” -- Could possibly be rewritten as “Jim opens Harold’s shirt, examines the wound on his gut” To me, it just helps the sentence flow better when you cut out the “and” & the “ing” of “examining” but above all, Harold’s name should be mentioned for clarity as it the beginning of a new scene. “He pushes him.” – Who pushes who? I’m thinking the Sheriff does it, but again, names would be helpful. Especially when one of your characters bears such a cool handle as “Shanny” |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 “The Sheriff SWALLOWS audibly in the silent room.” -- I would really hope if this were ever made (I for one, would love to see it done), that we wouldn’t hear this sound effect overdubbed. Oh, please, no, bit to cartoonish for my liking, not at all fitting with the script. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 I liked how you interweaved the back story into the script, practically seamless and a good time to tell when both sides are having a standoff of sorts, poised to make the next move. Cam also made a good point about cutting to a scene of Jim at the grave, not entirely necessary for this to work but wouldn't do any harm either. I wondered why Jim had been away and what accident had befallen Rosy. Not that it requires explanation within the context of your story, I’m a firm believer in not presenting everything to the audience and leaving things open to a certain extent. Although the Sheriff referring to her as a whore gives us a hint at what could’ve happened. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Jim fills his mouth with a bullet.” – Another superbly visceral image. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 Man, I really dug this. Like your “Daphne’s Inferno” you have a flair for packing a lot of punch into a limited number of words. Not so sure about the closing line but everything up to that was excellent, really had me sucked in till the climax. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 The dialogue from all characters was pitch perfect, completely fitting the type of story, setting and its desperate, scared sh?tless inhabitants (bar Jim, of course). |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 Would I be way off the mark by saying you pinched Jim’s idea for fooling the mob at the end from the film “Copycat”? Feel free to correct me. |
Quoted from Colkurtz8 Anyway, this was a very cool, dark and brutal (in a good way) revenge piece which deserves a lot more comments from people on the site here. I’m confident most would enjoy it if they gave it the chance. Don’t be afraid to plug your work either, buddy, it’s what the site is all about after all. |
Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone Hey Daniel, This is the second short of yours that I've read, and I have to say that it is every bit as impressive as 'Daphne's Inferno'. I love your descriptions- loads of information and detail in short concise sentences, which really help conjure up a vivid mental picture. The introduction is fantastic, and the character of Jim is perfectly profiled. It's amazing that you've managed to get so much across in so few pages. I'm gonna check out your other script over the weekend. Great stuff chap Craig |