Guitarist by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - A street performer and a homeless man discover they have something in common... could this lead to a friendship? 15 pages.  - doc, format 8)

Wow that was quick, thanks for posting it Don.

Now I'm sure what some of you are think, aw, another crappy hobo script by Xavier, well I can assure those of you who haven't read it, it's nothing like Meet Joe, so if you want to give it a read, fine,  if you don't I don't give a crap.

Xavier,

A definite improvement over Meet Joe.  Rick and Hank were both well drawn and defined characters.  I gotta admit, it was a pretty touching story of one guy helping out another.  I like how they used the one thing they had in common, the guitar, to forge a friendship.

A couple technical mistakes:

RICK (CONT’D)
Was that the chorus to Mclean Don’s “American Pie”?

It's Don McLean.


RICK
God knows how many deceases you must have gotten from sleeping here.

It's diseases, not deceases.

I also noticed you used the expression "on the morrow" a few times.  Is that Old English?  It just seemed highly unlikely that either of these guys would use that phrase.

Overall, I liked it.  It felt like a solid story.

I liked it very much.  It made me feel good!!

Thanks guys for the read.

Cam17

thanks for the good feedback, most people I know call him McLean Don, and yeah "in the morrow" is a bit of an Old English phrase, but I like to use it a lot. Like I also like to use the British way of spelling "cause" which is "cos". So thanks again, I'll reedit tose things.

Steven8

I'm glad it made you feel good.

Okay, I was just curious about "on the morrow."  Maybe it's making a comeback.  When you get a chance, check out my script Safety Boy on the new unproduced list.  I'm looking to get some feedback on it.

Cam

Ok, I'm going to be straight with you.

I liked the beginning of your script alot. I thought the images and actions were very good.

I'm going to be honest with you. I do not believe that Rick would just hand his guitar (that he doesn't even own) to some stranger on the street while he gathers up money. Why would he do that? Even if Hank is a nice guy who isn't going to steal it, how would Rick know that at that point in the story? I just think an actor is going to have a hell of a time justifying that action.

I also think you are romanticizing the homeless just a little too much.

There must be a reason why Hank is homeless. Is it drugs? Alcoholism? Was he laid off? Did he get blacklisted by the mayor? Something and whatever that something is will have a huge effect on the story.

Because I think Hank is way too carefree about his situation. He almost seems proud of the fact he is homeless. He keeps saying it over and over again. He certainly doesn't seem ashamed. A homeless person will almost never say, "I'm homeless." b.c its terribly embarrassing.  So surely Hank has applied for a job at least once in his life? Unless he's a kid. But in that case there is nothing in the story that I caught that would indicate he is a kid. When you say "homeless" my mind goes right to the cliche of a homeless guy with the long beard, dirty tattered clothes etc.

And maybe instead of saying "I can't even buy shoes" you could just show us his shoes? And then show us Rick's shoes, so we can see them and the audience can reach the conclusion on their own. They'll be much happier that way.

Plus I think you should go back and put in some conflict in there somewhere. The characters don't struggle so how can we really know anything about them?

Why is Rick being so nice to this guy? Is Rick guilty about something in his past? Is this his way of making up for that? If he is a genuinely nice guy, is it really that easy to do a good thing?

Rick and his girlfriend come off almost aristocratic. They seem pretty oblivious to the reality of Hank's situation. Which is cool, but if thats the way you want to go, maybe you could play it up a little more?

Anyway, I wish you the best.

I think you've got a really good story going but I think it still needs some work to make it a great story. Your script has the potential to make an audience weep at the end. It's a beautiful story of humanity and compassion.

And I love the scene of Hank playing guitar in the alley at night. Good stuff.

These are just my opinions. Take em if you want em, or you can tell me to kiss your ass.

best wishes

Thanks for the comment, there's a lot of things you mentioned, most of them I can explain.

Rick is a just a nice guy, he trusts people, I myself would never let anyone hold my guitar unless it was a professional. Plus Hank didn't run off with it cos he was to busy staring at the money Rick had made, it just didn't pop into his head that he could make some money off of a guitar.

You say that I romanticize being homeless, I don't think that's true, I just wrote this like this cos I wrote another script before called "Meet Joe" about a homeless man, that was nothing like this, if you want you can give it a read.  Hank continuously mentions that he's homeless in the hope that Rick will give him money, he's not happy about it, he just wants to make people feel bad for him.

I'm glad you liked most of my script. It's being produced by some High School kid who wants to use it to try and get into a good film school,  maybe he'll rewrite a few things to make it a little more real.

Again thanks for the comment and the read,

Xavier

Well, at least tell me this, Why is Hank homeless?

Im asking you as the writer. I'm not saying that we the audience need to know. But as a filmmaker. Why is Hank homeless? What happened to him?

I'm not really sure, drugs, carelessness of paying bills or working, he just took some wrong turns in life and ended up there, but mostly drug addiction.

See, I really think you should go back and do another draft for those kids who are shooting your script.

If Hank suffers from drug addiction to the point he lost everything for it, then he must still be addicted. In which case he probably only has one thing on his mind. How am I going to score my next hit?

So how does he get money for that next fix? Begging? Stealing? Prostitution?

And if he normally steals for money it makes the fact that he DOESN"T steal from Rick that much more amazing.

you know?