Mr. Cohen by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - A short thriller story of a man who after receiving an e-mail saying that he had won the UK National Lottery and that 40 million US dollars had been wired to his accountant is arrested and interrogated. Will he discover who set him up? ... 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey everyone, here's another one of my scripts.

This one is a lot like the People Who Lie script I wrote only it has to do with the FBI and fake Lotteries. It's not all that clever but I enjoyed writing it, I hope whoever reads it enjoys it as well.

I also know that I misspelled the word interrogation on one of the pages, so please don't mention that to me.  

Hey Xavier, this one didn't really work for me. For one thing, the ending really confused me. Obviously (SPOILER WARNING) Agent Howard was behind the whole thing and set our poor protagonist up. I don't understand who the accomplice was though. Was it Gil? Rob? Smith? I think the ending could've been a little more clear.

Also, I had a problem with the dialogue. It was a little too redundant and on the nose. For instance:

Rob turns on his computer.

ROB (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Turned on my computer.

- He stuffs some food into the microwave.

ROB (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Made dinner.

The details don't seem all that interesting or relevant to the plot, yet here they are overemphasized as if they'd play a part later on in the story. Repeating them slows the story down instead of allowing it to build to the money.

As far as othe mundane details, I'm not sure the scenes in the lawyer's office or his work are all that necessary other than to inject a little humor ("It's been terrible being married to you."). If anything it gives him a motive by showing that he hates his current predicament and could use some cash.

It's clear you had an idea for a story here and some idea of the characters. I just think the dialogue could be re-written to give the characters more distinguishable personalitys and make the ending a little more clear, while in the meantime allowing the story to build.

I like the idea for the story and I certainly laughed a few times but I think as is it doesn't work. If you re-write this I'd love to have another look. Best of luck!

I was actually entertained reading this. But, small things i think could be worked better. It's only my opinion, so the next reviewer could have no problem with it.

Some dialogue is on the nose to me. Like,

ROB
How do you think I'm doing. I'm
doing terribly. I was arrested
today for no reason at all.

At the top of my head i'd probably word it,

ROB
"How do you think i'm doing? Being
arrested for no reason tends to
put me in a mood."

I don't know. What i do with my characters is have them be smartasses.

Another example, you have:

SMITH
Well it says here that you stole
40 million from an international
bank, and not only that but from a
royal family...
(joking)
Did you know that?

Again, at the top of my head(so if its bad, ignore lol)

SMITH
Your file makes for a very interesting read.
Not only did you steal from an international bank,
but you took on the royal family.

ALSO, you have

SMITH
Why don't you tell me your story.
Rob sits back. Thinks. Nods.
ROB
Alright, but this better be the
last time I tell it, cause I'm
getting sick of having to repeat
it.

I'm sorry, i'd really like to elaborate on my comments. But my kid is crying in the background and i have to go. My apologies.

However, to summarize everything, I just think your dialogue is constantly on the nose. Don't TELL me how your characters are feeling. Show me with their actions.

It's a decent story. But with dialogue that sounds like every body elses it's hard to seperate yourself from those writers. Not to be rude, i think with every project a writer finishes he's closer to fniding his "voice."

Hopefully my comment made some sense(or it was all for nothing i suppose)

Good luck with everything.

Bryan

Thanks for the reads guys.  Yeah the dialog is a little on the nose.  Actually I came up with the idea for cos I've been getting a lot of e-mails from various "lotteries" and I was getting sick of it, of course I don't believe they're real, but I was thinking what if someone else did think these were real.  And as for the dialog, in my head I wanted this to be like the interrogation scene in Eagle Eye, so I had an image of Shia's voice in Rob's persona.

As for re-writing, this was actually the first draft that I wrote for some guys who were asking for a script to produce, I'm not sure if I'll write anymore drafts, I'll probably let them do it.  But I could re-write it for fun... cos I just love to write.

Anyhow, again, thanks for the reads and the comments guys.

I remember being proud of the first script I submitted to SimplyScripts, a OWC script. The comments by everything seemed to suggest that I spent too much time worrying about the story and neglected developing the characters and providing them with strong dialogue.

If for no other reason, I'd recommend trying to re-write it just for the practice. We're all used to writing stories but writing dialogue is much trickier because it has to have a voice. Were you to re-write it, you'd be able to focus on the dialogue as the story itself has already been mapped out and executed.

Anyway, just a suggestion as I'm sure you'd like to improve your abilities. Good luck!

Thanks, I do want to improve, I think everyone one does, even the best of screenwriters have some problems.

I think the ebst way to improve is to read as many pieces of work as you can. Whatever interests you, read. Read read read.

Damn it! Read!

Thanks, I love to read screenplays, it's pretty much all i do.

Xavier,

If I actually got all the money which was promised to me in emails, I'd just buy my own professional screenwriter, and have them write out all my ideas.  :)

The premise here is good, and the writing is fine, but I actually got totally lost at the end.  Who all was in on it?  I can't believe Rob wasn't in on it, or Smith wouldn't let him leave after he murdered a man right in from of him.

Gil was in on it,  I don't see how you can't see that, he tries to kill Rob and that's why Smith kills him. It's pretty obvious at the beginning when he tells Rob that he would shoot him in the head, I don't think a real FBI agent would say that to someone, if they did they'd probably get fired. Rob has almost nothing to do with the problem except for the fact that he grabbed 2000 dollars from stolen money.

Smith let him go but in my mind Rob didn't get far.  They probably stop him on his way out, they probably ask him some more things.

Thanks for the comment Steven, I hope I answered your question.

Hello Xavier,

I have just read your script.

I found alot of things that did not add up.  I found it unbelievable.

I work for a private bank.  Now I tried to look at it from an entertaining point of view and see if it may appear realistic.  But here's where I think it falls down.  I have so many questions.

How does Rob gain £40,000,000.00 through opening an email?

The money was stolen from abroad.  I believe this is an international crime and so would lie with Interpol.

If I steal Don's money and stick it in your account.  Who do you think they're going to look for?

Any bank would trace the transfer from where the funds arrive from.  And then check how the transfer was actioned via that bank.

Anyway, the FBI if anything would grab Rob for Interpol to prosecute.  This is not a crime on US soil.

As for emails.  You need to turn the headers on.  This will show from where the email was sent and will log the various networks for which it has travelled.  I had to do this once when a broadband company lied about sending me emails.  Thieving bastards.

I also work for the Royal family's private bank.  I would advise picking someone like Richard Branson or an actor or someone with loads of money.  Trust me.  The Royal family are unfindable within my bank.  Cover names, or codes.

Plus, anything over a certain amount gets a phonecall to confirm the transaction.  Large amounts of money is silly.  Go with a small amount and go local.

Also.  His cash card at the ATM probably has a limit.  I doubt he could withdraw $2k.

I also feel your FBI characters judge Rob too harshly.  If Rob was scum with a bad past, maybe.  But he's a working man who so happen to have $40m in the bank.  Maybe give Rob a mean past.

I thought when Smith brought out his IPhone to be odd.  He puts it on the table.  Why?  Was he expecting a call from his wife?

If someone is sending a bogus email with grand prize winner etc...  Then the sender's name is going to be bogus.

As for your script.  There's a few areas where grammar could be fixed here and there.  You introduce Trent as: A man, TRENT HOWARD.  Unless Trent was a lady, I'd assume he's a man.

I think you can cut back here and there.  Sometimes you write a little too much.

I think a complete overhaul is in order.  I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.  But this one isn't for me.  Anything with banks and lots of money disappearing I will read closely.

It also looks like your font is FreeMono 12.  You'll have to change it to Courier.

I suppose this is part of your learning curve.

All the best,


Javier

Well Javier, thanks for the read.  You have a lot of points in this comment, but most of them I can explain.

First off, Rob doesn't gain 40 mil just from opening his e-mail.  He was set up, by Trent and Gil, they only picked him and his account because he's an unknown man who manages a fast food place, it was just a distraction, and they do look for Rob first and were about to check how it got into his account after interrogation.

Second, the ATM thing, of course i know there's a limit, but I didn't think it would be such a big deal seeing that they extract 75,000 dollars in Eagle Eye. And the FBI treating him badly, they want to get the truth out, so they yell at him and make him feel bad.

When Smith puts his iPhone on the table it's so that Rob can grab it, he was in the room to make a phone call.

I don't really know what font it was, I bought a new computer and was looking for my FinalDraft setup but couldn't find it so I used Zhura.com to write this, but I'll make sure to change the font next time.

You might have read the script closely but I don't think you paid too much attention to how the story went, I took in mind all those things you said while writing, but you're the expert, if you say it could use some work well then I'll fix it up.

Thanks for the comment, if you have anything you want me to give a read, my eyes are open to anything.

Hey Xavier,

If you want I could give you some pointers in how to overcome some obstacles.  Just PM me and I'll tell you how the system works.  My bank only deals with the rich only.  No poor people allowed.  So they have extra barriers of which to overcome.

You mention Trent and Gil pick  Rob and his account.  It still doesn't explain how they obtained the cash.  There's sort codes, accounts and then there's SWIFT codes.  You'll need this to transfer from country to country.  Plus there are intermediate banks to channel funds through.  Money never travels from A to B.  Usually, A to B to C.  And in some case D.

As for Eagle Eye.  That wasn't the dude who arranged to extract the money.  It was the computer head thing at the end.  And in that type of scenario when a computer controls the devices we use, then anything is possible.

All the best.

Yah, thanks.  Just keep in mind it's just a story, a fictional story, not everything has to be thought through, and plus I think FBI agents who specialize in computer hacking would know how to do things like take money from just point A to B.  They can do things without even the president know, so if you think about it it may not be all that impossible, but it mostly is.  Anyways, I'll take your advice, if I'm asked to rewrite this I"ll send you a message.

Xavier,

I agree with some of the other posters who say that you had the seeds of an interesting story, but it got lost amid the details.  The on the nose dialogue has already been discussed.  This is one I noticed:

ROB
But I'm just a fast food place
manager.

That just sounds awkward.  He would probably just say "I'm a restaurant manager."

Jayrex did a good job breaking down the logic problems.  Of course, unless you worked at a bank, you couldn't possibly know all those protocols.

I just kept wondering why Gil and Trent picked this guy to wire the money to and how did these FBI agents get access to that money in the first place.  How were they planning on getting the money out of Rob's account?  It seems like the smartest thing to do would be wire the money into the account, then pull the money out without ever alerting Rob.  To drag him into the office raises red flags everywhere, and there would be no way to get to the money after that.

Also, after Trent and Gil had been shot within an FBI building, it seems incredibly doubtful that Smith would tell Rob to just run away.

What's interesting about this story is how we've all gotten these emails saying we've won some lottery in Europe or Africa or something.  What if this one time it were true.  If you were going to rewrite this story and keep it a thriller, I'd suggest not making the FBI guys the bad guys.  Instead, Rob has a certain amount of time to solve the mystery of who sent him the money and why.  It could make for a really tight mystery.

Hey, just read this. It was alright.

Quite unbelievable though. I was going to point some stuff out, but Jayrex has done it already. One big mistake is why would you send the email to Rob using your personal email.

The real scammers have lots of email addresses, and they certainly do not use their real names.

I thought the dialogue wasn't bad at all, I liked it.

Was there a reason they moved rooms? Besides to get reception of course. If that was the only reason, cut it out and keep it in the same room.

Overall, not bad. Well done.

Thanks guys for the read, I can answer a few of your questions,

CAM17, Gil and Trent picked Rob's account because he is practically poor. When you think about it it's not that unbelievable, you get a guys who to most people is a nobody, put the money in his account, alert him and the FBI at the same time and while the FBI is interrogating the suspect they'll get their two computer specialist to take the money out of the account at which point they steal it and would possibly split the money into small portions and put them into several banks across the country, practically a clean getaway except for the fact that Trent accidentally put down his real name (just so you know I know that most of these e-mails use fake names but I couldn't think of another way to get these guys busted) and that's pretty much the back story behind the crime.

TOMMYP, Like I just told Cam just now I just need a way to bust these guys so I let them put down their name. Also I already knew a lot of the crap that would go down to pull something like this off, it's just a story and when someone is watching something on the big screen I don't think they're really thinking "Pff, come one that's bull".  Also they move from rooms cos there's no signal in the interrogation room and cos there's no phone in there either, so either way they'd have to leave, i don't know I just wrote it that way.

I'm glad you guys liked it, thanks.

Interesting story.  I had trouble with Trent signing his own e-mail. No criminal would do that.  Also, I figured that Trent was the one behind it as soon as he is introduced as the guy leaving the department.  I did like the way you added a phone call to Kate, it made me think she may have tried to get the money out of his account before their divorce was final.  Another wrinkle.  I also understand that the reason agent Gil was tough on the initial interview was he was overdoing it.  I agree with others here who suggested a rewrite.  My boss was used to say there's no such thing as good writing, only good rewriting.

thanks for the read. yea, there are some logic holes in here, most of them i planned into the prewriting but almost none of it is actually in there the way most of you say you would like it. Anyways, I rewrote this script into a final shooting draft for some guy, so if it's ever posted on the web you might see the differences.