The American Way by A. Monroe - Drama - Oliver is a revolutionary minded teen who fronts one of the most notorious gangs in the city. On a typical night of debauchery and pandemonium, Oliver has a life altering encounter with a girl named Mary. This encounter sets off a chain of events, causing Oliver to become the pawn in a US Senator's presidential campaign.  - html, format 8)

I'm glad I decided to put this up. I've labored over it for years, and at this point, I need fresh eyes to give me their take on it. I look forward to your feedback.

amonroe,

I would be my pleasure to do a script exchange with you. I have "Unsung" posted below yours if you're interested.

Thanks.

-Ctoph

The American Way

During my first 30 minutes of reading I made the following notes:

A number of spelling errors were bothersome. For example “stale” instead of “stall”
and “composure” instead of “composer.”

I was at a loss to explain why Oliver is a revolutionary despite his lengthy speech. Maybe some back story?

I didn’t get the connection he made with Mary. I didn’t feel it was an “aha” moment.

Naming of characters was too similar. For example “Joyce” and “Joy” work at the same place. The Marlboro Man reminded me of The Cigarette Man in The X-Files.

Too much time was spent on developing Oliver’s troubled nature and the inconsistencies in his behavior.  When he hit the punk girl in the face, my reaction was enough with proving Oliver is a bad guy!

The decision to break up the gang was surprising. It was handled very quickly and felt poorly explained. This would have been a good opportunity to cite Mary’s growing influence over Oliver.

The multiple plot lines had my interest.

I know my comments were mostly negative but i hope you'll take them positively.

The American way

I finished reading your script today and I have a few more comments for you.

I liked the multifaceted aspect of your plot.  There were some parts that I felt were not essential to the flow.  For example, the scene involving Mary and her therapist and the story arc with Joy and Joyce.  Good stuff but again trim eligible.  Also lengthy discourses by the candidates during their debate seemed monotonous.

I found it hard to suspend my belief that electroshock therapy could make a miscreant like Oliver into a poster boy for the American Way.  Maybe if he had more problems with posttreatment it may have been more compelling.  I did like the contrast of Oliver in the beginning and at the end.

I also thought that the Marlboro Man had to explain too much at the end.

I did like the portrayal of  Mr. Kent.  And his rebellion as Princess daughter.

All in all, the second part of the story is the best.