Life Without by Andrew Lightfoot  - Short - An old man feels the effects of losing his beloved wife. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Andrew

Not bad. A very melancholy story, but you seem to have got the correct pitch of emotion across that I assume you were going for with this.

You should always include the ages of your main characters at least. Helps the reader to visualise them.

"dressed in a black dress" -- "In a black dress" or "dressed in black". Repition of the word "dress" sounds a little awkward.

"Opened up and empty lies a VHS case dangerously close to his feet." -- I'm not sure what you mean by "dangerously" close.

"His kisses his hand" -- "He" kisses his hand

It was an ambiguous ending with the reversal of roles. I take it that its Mrs Crickly's ghost that looking at her husband in the coffin? A nice twist as its a fairly straightforward story up to that.

My biggest problem with it, however which I eluded to already above, is the lack of age indication, especially since chronologically it jumps back and forth frequently between their respective funerals, the wedding footage, the variety shop & what I believe to be the present day.

It would make so much easier for the reader to know exactly where we are in their lives if you told us their age each time there was a flashback, or lapse in time.

Other then that it was a solid piece, good conclusion too.

Col.

P.s Watch out for the grammer and spelling in some parts.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 P.s Watch out for the grammer and spelling in some parts.

Oh, the irony.  Col, you rascal!

"Oh, the irony.  Col, you rascal!"

Mmmm indeed, it knows no bounds.

Thanks colkurtz8 for the reply

what I meant about the VHS case dangerously close to his feet was that it was at risk of being stepped on, bad action I guess.

i guess this story is kind of mixed up. Mr. Crickly is the ghost, i wanted to give the impression that he lost his wife and that he was alive whilst giving a hint that it was the opposite. Basically wanted to show that if you lose a loved one they lose you too.

I'll start to assign age to my characters now, thanks for comments they really help me become better!