The Mini-Mart by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - A teen enters a mini-mart, looking ready for everything.  But will he be able to complete his mission after facing a Clerk and his mean Son?... 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

SPOILER......

Why is Jeff acting nervous? Is he high or just a clumsy guy? Also I've never seen anyone open up there items, before paying for them. I think the clerk should have gotten mad little. This short didn't do it for me, just didn't think it was a stand alone story, more part of a longer one.

Hey Xavier, I've noticed you're always happy to explain any points people make about your scripts, and I think I need a bit of clarification here. It's probably me being stupid, but I just didn't get this.

Is Jeff working with the guy who comes in after him to rob the mini-mart? Why is he so nervous? Is he under-age to be buying the cigarettes? Also, the fact that you mentioned a second ID in his wallet must mean it has some significance, but it was lost on me, I'm afraid.

Overall, found this a bit confusing. I'd appreciate enlightenment.

P.S. Happy birthday, by the way!

Thanks for the reads guys, and thanks for posting this Don.

Yeah it may seem a little confusing to why Jeff is nervous.  At first when I came up with this idea it was supposed to be a long build up to a failed robbery that a nervous guy was supposed to commit but I couldn't find a way of writing that down so I just wrote that he was nervous cos he was trying to buy cigarettes with a fake ID. He didn't have anything to do with the robbery at the end, I just thought, in the original idea, that it would be funny if a robbery that a nervous dude was supposed to commit didn't go well from the buyer's point of view and then some dude just walks in and easily robs the place, it's a little confusing.

GOREGORE84

People do open things before buying them and that just annoys me, and it does annoy the clerk, but he's not allowed to do anything about it, after all the story takes place in the U.S of A and it is a free country. I myself don't do that when buying stuff but I know people who do and they piss me off, I just thought that that would leave a clue that Jeff was doing something out of the ordinary.

Again guys thanks for the read.

Ah, Xavier, the US of A is not quite that free of a country.  The clerk could have thrown him out, and the authorities would have backed him up on this.  Not just any behavior is allowed here, except by Government officials. :)

The story did seem like part of a larger story when read, but I see your concept when you explain it.  Now, to have Jeff be totally nervous, then actually make an attempted robbery, which is easily foiled by the cashier, or the cashier's son who is there for 'take your child to work day', THEN have some guy walk in and easily stick up the joint. . .that might get your idea across better.

I think this is too confusing as it stands.  

I think you should try to add the part where Jeff fails the robbery.

You should prolong the new robber's announcement or even better you should make the new robber start exactly like Jeff did and end it there - without the new robber saying that he is doing the robbery.

Take for the advice guys,

Just to note again, I do know people who open things and try things inside of store, truthfully I hate that, like I know this lady who without even knowing if she has money in her purse just opens a bottle of soda and takes a sip from it as if to claim it for herself, that's disgusting and just not right, but yet no one says anything.

Mcornetto, I was gonna have the actual robber start out the way Jeff did but I don't really know why I didn't, in fact now that I think of it I could have had the robber standing behind Jeff also acting nervous or excited and then BOOM just rob the place,

Thanks for the read guys,  I'm open to any criticism.

Xavier

She opens a soda at the store and takes a sip?  Yuck!

Hey Xavier

Apart from all the other comments relating to this script, I kinda liked it. The writing and action was quick and smooth like your others.

This reminded me of Fun with Dick and Jane where Dick (Jim Carrey) attempts his first robbery and only manages to escape with a slushy. This story however ended with Jeff paying for the items.

Half way through reading this I was hoping for a turn-around ending. Something like the Clerk smacking Jeff upside the head after he paid and saying how he's a failure as a robber.

The first two pages reminded me of a "Superbad" scene when Fogle tried to use his fake ID to buy alchohol. Why is your main character nervous though?

(Incase your unaware, Superbad is a Jud Apatow movie...your script is not superbad lol.)

Anyway, it tuend out this guy was not robbing the place and i do need quite a bit of enlightening.

Is Jeff working alongside the robber who enters at the end?
If not, Why is Robbert so nervous?
One idea is he's under-age buying the cigarettes?

And, you put effort to focus on a second ID in his wallet.
It could've meant something to the story, but it was lost on me.

I wish i could've understood more. Sorry.

Thanks for the read you two,

Lightfoot, this story was inspired by that scene in Fun With Dick and Jane.  The ending I can agree could have been better, I had an idea of the clerk just saying "what you gonna rob me or something?" and then Jeff just running out but at the time the words could not come out of my head and onto the paper.

Brymo, I know what Superbad is, one of my favorite movies of all times, and it's weird that you'd mention that cos Superbad was nowhere close to what I was trying to do, but I'm glad you compared my script to one of Seth Rogan's. The reason Jeff is nervous is cos he's buy smokes with a fake ID, that's why I mentioned the other ID, I though people would actually get that. And NO Jeff is not working with the robber, like I said in an earlier comment, the original story was supposed to be that Jeff really was trying to rob the store and I thought that it would be funny that after some nervous wreck tried robbing a mini-mart that some other guy could just walk in easily and rob it in less than a second, but again, I couldn't get the words onto paper, but if I re-write it I'll make everything more clear.

Steven8, I agree, yuck!

Thanks all you for the read,

Xavier.

I'm confused too.  

I skipped everything to read the story and then found your explanation above.

I thought it was this Jeff guy robbing the place cause he seemed like a dumb guy who would do this.

If it's from the pov of the clerk.  I would focus on him and inject some depressing storyline.  Getting robbed would top his day.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for the read, I will try to make the story better and repost it.

Xavier.

Xavier, contrary to most of the other comments I understood this one. Because of your logline, I got the feeling that this nervous guy may or may not be a robber and his fumbling with the merchandise is supposed to heighten the suspense as the audience wonders whether or not he's really going to rob the place. Towards the end, the second ID shows that he was merely nervous because he was buying cigarettes underage (ala Superbad as mentioned earlier). I liked the payoff at the end with the audience expecting the main character to be a robber, then to find out at the end he's not, yet have their wish to witness a robbery fulfilled as a few seconds later a robber enters the store.

The problem with all of this I think is that if I hadn't read the logline, I would have no idea that we were supposed to think he was a robber. I would've added a scene at the beginning where the driver of the car (since the legal driving age is the same as the legal age to buy cigarettes; on second thought, the driver could just buy the cigarettes so maybe have him buy alcohol instead) says something like "Make sure not to look into any of the security cameras and act cool so the clerk doesn't see it coming." Something like that which works in the context of someone reassuring his friend about to go buy illegal alcohol that could be interpreted by the audience as someone about to rob a convenience store. Also, mention in the beginning that he has an object in his pocket so that when he pulls out his wallet towards the end it's more of a surprise. If you're going for misdirection, you have to do a better job of misleading the readers/audience at the beginning.

I think this one is pretty close to being a solid script. Nice job and good luck with it!

Thanks for the read, I can pretty much rewrite this in a few minutes and could have it up soon.  I'll take what you said into mind while writing, again thanks.

Xavier

Wow. that was some bizarre behaviour from Jeff. Bit of a weirdo. But it was enough to intrigue me and pull me by the nose through your story.

I take it Jeff was acting like a goose cause he was building up the courage to rob the joint but the courage just wasn't there.

The last bit at the end left me stumped so I guess I will just have to flex the grey goop inside my skull and see if I can rationalize the ending and point of your script.

Um . . . um . . . um think man think! Oh yeah. Jeff wants to rob the shop but he is to scared, so he tries to play it cool but his fear fumbles it up. He fails as a robber so he goes and gets his dad to rob the shop for him.

Quoted from tonkatough Jeff wants to rob the shop but he is to scared, so he tries to play it cool but his fear fumbles it up. He fails as a robber so he goes and gets his dad to rob the shop for him.

Now that would be one hell of an ending. I really like that idea! Especially if you have a little scene at the end with Jeff waiting in a car outside, his dad climbing in, throwing the bag of money onto Jeff's lap and saying, "Now THAT's how you do it," or something.

I read the script, then the comments, and after doing so it seems like you started off wanting to do something, but then changed your mind in the middle.

If you want the reader to know that he's thinking of robbing the store, show an item that would hint at that.  A gun, a ski mask, something.

As far as the idea, have the fake one look different, add in a moustache or something.  Another way to go is to just have him get busted.  "You really like I'm gonna buy that you're thirty two, kid?"

Just some thoughts to help clarify things.

You've got a fair amount of typos in here for a 4 pager as well.

Thanks guys for the read,

Hmm, I didn't notice the typos, but I'll fix 'em, I'm rewriting the script and hope to have it up as soon as possible, hope you guys can give the rewrite a read.  I didn't change my mind halfway through the story I just got a similar idea and thought that I could blend it in with the story I was writing, but now I see that that was a screw up, again thanks for the comments.