Great White in Great Britain by Adam S. Kelly - Horror, Thriller - It's Brighton, England, the "British Miami", and the summer is about to begin. But what will happen when an univited guest arrives in the form of the greatest predator of the sea? 82 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Adam, I read your intro here and that's where I'm going to have to stop, sorry to say.

There are numerous issues here, right off the bat.  A couple things that may help...

1)  Opening slug - Not well written at all.  It kind of sets the tone here, and it's not a positive one at that.

2)  Opening paragraph (which is actualy a 3 line single sentence) is also poorly written, and again, it's just not the way you want to get things started.  Don't use "the" in front of boat...just use "a".  It'll sound much better.  You say the boat is on top of the water...of course it is...where else would it be?  Lose that part of the sentence.

3)  2nd paragraph (another 3 line single sentence!) - What does "bottom of the boat" mean?  Doesn't sound good at all.  Way too much novel-like descriptive prose here.  Totally uneccessary with the description of the sound effects.

4)  Opening line of your 3rd paragraph is bad...really bad.  Why say it like this?  No reason at all.  Why is "Jamie's Dad" known as Kevin, but his mother is simply, "Jamie's Mother"?  Makes no sense at all.

OK, I gtotta stop here.  Hope this makes sense to you.  Clean this baby up.  Read other scripts in here and post comments...that way, they'll return the favor.

Hope this helps a bit.  Take care.

Hey Adam, it’s me again. I had some time on my hands last night and decided to try and give your script a read to the end.  At 82 pages, it was pretty quick.

I’m not sure you’re active on the boards or will respond, so I won’t go into great detail, but I did want to try and give some advice that may help you in your future writing.

The things I said in my first post proved to be true throughout, and I wasn’t surprised either.  Lots of issues that repeated themselves again and again.  Here’re some thoughts, questions, suggestions…

1)  Very novelistic approach here, with tons and tons of unnecessary prose and unfilmables.  Don’t tell us things about characters (“Two and a half decades of service under his belt…”).  Lots of examples of these sorts of things. Don’t give us “asides” when introing characters (“We’ll come to know him as Steve”).  Don’t tell us how characters are feeling or what they’re thinking.  Lots and lots of sentences ending with exclamation points and all capped words.  Don’t do this.  The scene and action should be enough to give us the feeling you’re trying to tell us to feel by using this type of writing.

2)  Just about every character speaks in very long blocks of text.  Way too talky and the interactions don’t feel real at all because of this.  People are continually interacting like this, and it just goes on forever with almost no action lines describing what’s taking place while they’re talking.  Just about every speech of over 5 or 6 lines should be cut back.

3)  This appears to be a sequel to “Sharks in Venice”, and a 4th in the “Shark Attack” series.  The big problem is the numerous complete and blatant rip-offs of the original “Jaws”.  I mean, seriously, Adam, c’mon.  We’ve got exact scenes in here from the classic, including, but not limited to the characters, the plotting, the initial kill scene from Jaws, the hunt scene with 3 characters, the big bash water scene, the binocular POV stuff, the kids in a dinghy being saved by a guy, the shark being blown up at the end…just blatant copies.

4)  I have no clue what anyone’s actual job is supposed to be.  What does Jack do?  What does Mike do?  What does Max do?  Bob?  It seems like Max and Bob are cops, but they sure don’t come across like that.  I mean Bob goes on the hunt and doesn’t even have a gun.  How do they all now each other so well?  Jack has only been in Brighton for 2 months, yet he seems to know the chief of police and even the Mayor.  No one came across as a real person at all.

5)  The side plot was ludicrous and not explained satisfactorily at all.  Once you let us in on this plot, the bad guys start acting like cartoon characters, complete with lines like “smiles deviously”, “evil grin”, “Cheshire cat”, “maniacal hysterics”, etc.  Just way over the top and totally unnecessary.

6)  The action scenes weren’t written very well, and it seems like the necessary thought required wasn’t put into it, making the scenes come off as less than what you were shooting for.  The big action set piece at the beach is a perfect example.  The bandstand thing was ludicrous!  How far into the water could this be?  How deep could the water be there?  Why in the world would anyone even attempt to set up a stage in the water?  Doesn’t make any sense and doesn’t work at all.  Same with the finale.  The jumping back and forth from boat to boat is crazy!  Neither boat was anchored…both would drift immediately…no way could anyone jump back and forth like that.

OK, hope you understand what I’m saying on these negatives.

On the positive side, your script is pretty clean of mistakes and typos and that’s tough to do.  So good job on that.  You apparently spent some time editing this and it shows.

You tied up all your various plot points pretty well, and ended things on a strong note with Jack and Alice not only surviving, but also getting some cash for their wedding.  I wasn’t surprised in the least though, but it was a feel good ending.

So Adam, take a look at this again and see how long the dialogue blocks are all the time.  Cut them way back, and get rid of all the unnecessary stuff.  Cut out the unfilmables and novelistic prose.  Plot your action scenes better and try to come up with some more unique situations and kills.  Oh yeah, one more thing…watch your overuse of “wrylies” (parentheticals).   There’s just way too many being used and a lot of them aren’t even correctly used.

You’ll find that if you do this, you’ll be left with a 60 page script, which means you’ll need to come up with a lot more stuff, scenes, action, plot, etc.

Don’t mean to be too harsh, but I am being honest and trying to help you see what’s going on here.  Hope this helps.

Hi,

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate the time you took to read my script and contribute all those opinions.

The script was originally written as a sequel to 2008's SHARK IN VENICE, but has since become original. I probably should have waited to erase the relationship to the aforementioned film before posting the screenplay here, but I'll update it when I finish the next draft, which will now thankfully include the edits that you have so kindly brought up.

I tried to stray away from JAWS as much as possible, I see the similarities. JAWS being my favourite film of all time had just too much influence I guess.

With the asides, I've seen many produced screenplays that include them, so that's why I added them, but if they're truly unliked, then...

I suppose I do have a rather novelistic approach. I'm sure it is due to my years and years of writing short stories and poetry, and being relatively new to the art of screenwriting. I will have to hone my technique and move away from my long-term style.

Just a quick note on the mention of guns and the police: in England, the general police aren't allowed to carry weaponry other than truncheons (nightsticks) and spray.

Again, thank you for your time in writing your notes, they're greatly appreciated. Hopefully, because of such feedback, I'll be able to make a decent script. But I'm happy so far it being my first ever screenplay, and I'm only 18, if that makes any difference.

Again, thanks!

Glad you took what I said as constructive criticism.  I've been told that I've been too harsh in my comments, and I'm glad you weren't offended.

Considering this is your first script, you've done a good job. Alot of the stuff I commented on are mistakes that first time writers make.  Stick with it and in no time, it'll be 2nd nature to you.

I wanted to clarify 1 thing that I said in my original post.  I said that your opening slug wasn't written well, and it wasn't a good way to start.  Someone commented on this in another thread, and questioned what was wrong with it.  You used "INT./EXT.", which in and of itself isn't technically wrong, but I'd call it lazy.  The problem is that there aren't any INT shots in this opening scene.  It's outside on the boat, or in the water, so no INT should be used at all here.  Hope that make sense.

Best of luck in your writing.

Thanks. Yes, I wasn't too sure what to write in the slug for the boat scenes. I wasn't entirely sure whether you could classify being on the boat as an interior, while on the exterior, hence "INT./EXT.". I wasn't being lazy, just wasn't sure. But thanks for clearing that up. Appreciated.

I can see how people can call your feedback "harsh", but only because you are decent enough to give proper criticism and offer honest, detailed remarks. What would the use be in feedback if it wasn't totally honest? I guess some writers cannot take a lot of criticism, but in this business, if you can't take it, get out, or you'll never make it.

Cheers.

Okay, I read the full script and this is what I thought. You clearly love Jaws...that's obvious. For a script it's not bad but it could be a lot, lot better. Although I can sympathise I've written some dire stuff in the past and I'm just a year older than you, but trust me the more you write the better you'll get. Now for the specifics.

I'll try and not just repeat what dreamscale said, but he did cover a lot so sorry if it sounds the same. A lot of the dialogue could stand to go. A lot of it seems unnessicary. I did like one line in particular though, the one about "Jesus only walked on water", I can't remember what the character said but I remember it being cool, and thought after that you should have just had them in the sea, like E.G. "he only walked on water...we ride it!" and then have the next scene them both going over a wave or something. Just an idea.

Now...sorry man but this did kind of rip off Jaws, and I know you could say that about all shark films but this one was too much like it. The guy who knows there's a shark but no one believes him, the angry mayor who cares more about money and tourism than lives, it'll all from Jaws. And I know you threw in the "Bite's them in the ass" line as an homage, but it just seems like a steal. I think homages are meant to subtler, same goes for the eggs and bacey kill bill line.

It just seems like everything's been seen before in previous films. An idea that sometimes works for me in my scripts when dealing with a familiar genre is to put things in people haven't seen yet. Is there something you've always wanted to see in a shark movie but no one's put it in yet? Put it in yourself.

Oh by the way, I've never seen Sharks in Venice but the scene in which Alice reads the news sounds too much like a plot synopsis for the first film. It doesn't need to be nearly as long. As she has to say is that there were sharks in Venice that killed a few people and one got away. It'll do the job better. We don't need to know about the Don or anything else.

Also in the end, the way the shark dies (I won't mention the jaws head explosion) didn't really work for me. It was kind of anticlimactic. It should have built up a bit more. I expected the shark to kill all the bad guys and then Jack kill it some way. Also you don't need to write it comes up in slow motion, that's the director's job. Unless this was a shooting script you don't have to put that in. Also I would ditch the use of 'We see' and such. Scripts with those in them don't go down to well with some people on the site. I won't yell at you for them, but others might. =)

Also one last note, it seems a bit harsh the way Jack kills Mike at the end. I mean sure the guys a dick and all but it seems to make the hero less of a...hero...if you know what I mean. What if Mike tried to kill Jack with the grenade instead and it went wrong? Just a suggeston.

Good first attempt though and good luck on your other work. I hope that didn't sound harsh or anything. =) On another note it would be funny to see that happen at T4 on the beach. I'd love to see Basshunter get devoured by a great white. Oh yeah, and does Bash on the Beach really exist?

Quoted from A.S. Kelly Thanks. Yes, I wasn't too sure what to write in the slug for the boat scenes. I wasn't entirely sure whether you could classify being on the boat as an interior, while on the exterior, hence "INT./EXT.". I wasn't being lazy, just wasn't sure. But thanks for clearing that up. Appreciated. I can see how people can call your feedback "harsh", but only because you are decent enough to give proper criticism and offer honest, detailed remarks. What would the use be in feedback if it wasn't totally honest? I guess some writers cannot take a lot of criticism, but in this business, if you can't take it, get out, or you'll never make it. Cheers.

The INT./EXT. slug was fine the way you used it. I have seen it used in scripts when the action takes place in a car but the scene also cuts to show outside the car. Some people use it instead of having lots of cut to's or secondary headings. You action took place inside the boat but you used shots of the outside of the boat so it is fine. It is still quite rare though, secondary heading would probably be better. You could start with EXT. BOAT - NIGHT and then just use INSIDE BOAT / OUTSIDE BOAT as secondary slugs to show the change in location.

To be honest, unfilmables when describing characters are okay too, Two and a half decades of service under his belt is fne according to many screenwriters. John August wrote an article on this kind of thing once and the general feeling was that while unfimables are frowned upon in a script, using one or two in a character introduction is fine and many scripts out there do exactly this.  I sometimes use them in my scripts and can be an excellent way of introducing a character to the reader.

If you are going to tell us what a character is feeling then try and do it in a way that works as a script and is not unfilmable, but to be honest I think you have done a tidy job of this anyway. Things like "Startled, Mike jumps and quickly..." is great writing. You can use this approach whenever you want and while you will get people saying that you cannot tell how someone is feeling you must show it this actually does both and it does work and is acceptable in scripts.

The story was okay but is a rip off of jaws, I was not very interested to be honest. And yes your large blocks of dialogue did start to get a bit tiresome after a while, it is fine sometimes and some scenes do call for it. But it was too much really and was distracting.

Your writing though is really great, I thought you did an excellent job with your descriptions and action scenes and there is not an issue with the way you write. I would be interested in reading something else from you, something a bit more original.

Nice one.


*Edit*

P.S. This is John's August's article on intrducing characters, it is a really great read...  http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/how-to-introduce-character

Maybe we have a difference of opinion about whether or not any of this opening scene's action takes place in an INT setting.  The characters are not "inside" the boat, nor is the camera. They are on the boat, sure, but not inside the boat.

As a perfect example of being INT or EXT involving a car, the INT and/or EXT refers to where the camera is during the scene, or shot.  You can technically have an EXT car scene in which the passengers are carrying on a conversation inside the car, but is filmed from outside the car.  As far as I'm concerned, this rarely works, and should be filmed inside, as an INT shot, unless there is something going on outside the car that you want to be seen.

In a spec script, the object is to keep things simple and easy to follow.  Sure, there are tons and tons of examples of produced scripts from pro writers that have all sorts of lines of unfilmables.  They can get away with this, and no one cares.  As a beginning writer, there's absolutely no reason for this, IMO.  The asides do nothing here, and shouldn't be used, as they just take up space.

I see what you mean, I do go out boating however and people are never "on a boat" they are always "in a boat" even when sitting out on deck you are in the boat.

But this is probably a fault with the script, They were sitting down eating dinner, most boats have a dining table that would be under in the cabin or in a covered part of the deck. You write your slugs so the director knows exactly what he will need to do to set up a scene, what lighting should be used etc.. I think in this case this would be classed as being in a boat.

Personally I would go with INT./EXT. BOAT - NIGHT as your primary slugline and then just have swap between IN THE BOAT, OUTSIDE OF BOAT as your action changes. But your first slug does tell the director that this scene does have both. I pictured some of this being filmed from another boat so we can see the boat sitting in the dark, to give us that sense of tension you are trying to build up. Same with the car example, if you were having someone following the car you would shift between inside and outside the car while the dialogue carries on if you wanted to keep showing the action outside the car too.

You will always get conflicting advice, just take what you can, ignore what you want and learn to write your own way. The internet is full of great references. I think your writing is really good, especially for your first script. Don't fall into the trap of not writing like a pro just because you are a beginner, if you do that you will always be a beginner. If you can write good then write good and keep improving yourself.

No reason for an argument here over something so simple, but if nothing else, it does add to the number of posts, and could garner more interest and feedback for your script.

Just to clarify, here's an example from your favorite movie, Jaws. There are scenes aboard the Orca that are defintely either INT or EXT scenes.  When Brody is chumming, or Quint is shooting at the shark, they are defintely EXT shots.  When Quint is telling the boys that WWII story, while they're drinking whiskey, that's defintely an INT shot.  I don't see how this could be debatable.

Giles is also 100% correct when he said that you're going to get all sorts of different advice in a forum like this. Some will be downright incorrect, some will be subjective, and some will be spot on correct.  It's going to be up to you to take it all in and decide how you want to use it, or not use it at all.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. It's humbling to hear that what I have written is good for a first-timer.

Of course, I understand the entire INT./EXT. thing... I'll just make sure my next screenplay doesn't involve boats. ;)

I'm ready to drop the script after the next draft anyway, I can't see it getting anywhere. I wrote it for Nu Image in the USA and after a phonecall where I spoke to Danny Lerner, director of SHARK IN VENICE, RAGING SHARKS, SHARK ZONE, producer of the SHARK ATTACK trilogy, he's had enough of making shark films. Fair enough after that amount. I can deal with losing the project, it's good experience more than anything.

And yes, my next script I'm currently devising mentally and it's going to be original. I guess I just had an urge to write a shark film because of my love for the sub-genre.

Bash on the Beach doesn't exist, no. I was originally going to go with Pride as the festival, seeing as Brighton has the largest gay community in Europe, but I didn't want to dwell on that too much, it would stray away from the story. I went to T4 on the Beach last year.  :P