A Killer Smile by Joey Fidler - Short - A serial killer walks into a bar… 4 pages - fdr, format 8)

A Killer Smile by Joey Fidler - Short - A serial killer walks into a bar… 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello there, just read your script. You have done well seeing there is no dialogue..

- I think you spend too much time with the man looking around the club. You can cut it down a bit.

- Give your two main characters names!

- I think it would be better if the girl pulled out a knife and killed him, instead of her fangs.

The whole idea is really good though, I like it a lot. Well done.

EDIT: Don't post it up here in Final Draft, lots of people don't use it... PDF is the best...

The logline caught my interest, and I thought it was actually going to turn out to be a comedy.

Though I do a question (or two):

- The man's the serial killer, right?
- Is he a vampire hunter? No, no, that wouldn't make sense. Wooden stakes are the vampire's death knives.


It was a nice turn on a serial killer story. And I agree with Tommy, open Final Draft, then File>Save as PDF.


Sean

K, I read this, and I think the twist at the end could be better.

SPOILER: If I could suggest something? When the Man steps on a newspaper at the start, I would show just a glimpse of, "Third body found". At the end when the vampire kills the man, steps over the same paper, what I would have is an close up of the whole headline. It could read something like, " Third body found, with mysterious puncture wounds."  That's what the twist could be. Again just a suggestion.

I wanted to read this but couldn't due to the file type. It's a good idea to stick with PDF files for the site.

James

This shouldn't even be allowed here in the format it is posted up in. Lucky for me I have FD, but many people don't. I myself don't even use it to write anymore... I don't even like using Sophocles anymore, since they went belly up.  I use "Movie Outline" now for most everything I do. It has it all under one roof... And I mean all. The character bio alone is worth the price of admission.

Anyways, on with the on.

1st off - I wrote a short (34 pages long) called "Midnight Snack" many years ago that uses a very similar plot. Almost to the T, only mine had a more shocking ending. What I'm saying is, as soon as the woman entered the picture I knew she was a vampire. Sorry. That, in conjunction with the title, of course.  ;)

2nd off - You have way, way too much action and no dialouge. Even in a 4 page script like this you need something to break up the sheer fact we're actually reading a screenplay and not a novel.

3rd off - You describe way to much here. This is a screenplay. You don't have to nail everything down into place. The reader is suppose to use their imagination and when it's filmed the camera is supposed to pick up the pieces.

Anyways,  no dialogue. Weak characters. Predictable plot.  I'd take caution when sitting down to make this into a full on screenplay. That's my take on things. Also, your title is a dead give away. Be subtle, not blunt. That's the rule of thumb when hooking anyone.

A Killer Smile and Scenario now available in pdf.   Thanks Tom!

Quoted from jmfidler ...   Thanks Tom!

Thanks Don?

Tom. As in Tommyp, for helping me with the pdf versions.  I want to thank Don as well for taking the time to post them.

Page 2. You don't say that Black Hair actually makes eye contact with the man in the first place, she's just texting. Inconsistent when characters are introduced - capped - so following is more difficult than it should be. I should know who I should be interested in.

Strike two? Where was strike one?

Foul ball?

The colon in your slugs throws me for some reason. Sometimes you can use LATER, instead of a slug, or a shot, AT A TABLE - LATER, to set your scene inside INT. DANCE CLUB, which can be just once.

The visuals are interesting, not overly done for me (meaning I can see it) but the ending is cliche; the hunter becoming the hunted, especially with all the vampire stuff around. I did like the newspaper headline with the 3rd body as a misdirection.

Hello Joey,

You should respond to the writers who have kindly read your script above.

Anyway, gave this a read and felt it was alright.  You need to give this MAN a past and name him too.  That way we can identify with him.  We can't like or dislike him as it is.

On page one, you have Fade to Black.  You don't fade in again and that makes me think the rest of this script is filmed under the cover of darkness.

You should capitalise all the characters that feature in your short.  If someone's getting a job in this script, I'd like to know who and how many there are.

The first page has a BARTENDER, pretty BLONDE, some DUDE, etc...

Your slugs should be INT. DANCE CLUB

Adding dialogue to this script won't harm this script.

Overall, not bad but could be better.

Give a read to the writers above and have a glance at their scripts.  It's always good to read other scripts and provide feedback to the writers who take time out to read your script.

All the best,


Javier

Well, looks like I've been called out. Haven't been commenting much because I respect the unofficial read for a read rule so I have some catching up to do.

For me, shorts are a fun experiment. See what works and what doesn't. Try some things I wouldn't allow in a feature length and stretch some creative muscles.  This one was simply trying my hand at telling a story without any dialogue.

I will try summing up the comments.

-CONCEPT.  This was originally going to be about a hitman and his "victim".  But it was getting too complicated for what I was wanting to do with it so at the last minute I changed it to the serial killer/vampire thing.  I had just read issue 1 of David Lapham's 30 Days 'Til Death so I had vamps on the brain.  I know they're overdone right now but I enjoyed the hell out of Let the Right One in and I'm looking forward to Del Toro's Strain trilogy.

-TITLE.  Baltis, Midnight Snack is a great title for this kind of story!  Wish I would've thought of it.  Went with Killer Smile because of the double meaning.  A smile can say a lot yet sometimes you don't really know the intentions behind it.

-NAMES.  Didn't want to give any of the characters names. Descriptions only since no dialogue.  Maybe if I would've set this at a speed dating event with nametags.  Hmmm, that might've been fun to write actually.

-LENGTH.  Probably could've trimmed his looking around a bit.  Didn't want it to seem too easy for him to pick up a date/victim though.  Maybe just one strike would've been enough.

-STRIKE TWO?  Played around with that.  Since no background on the lead I used that to express a little bit of personality to the reader.  It's a hit and miss sort of thing ;)

-NEWSPAPER.  Wasn't sure how well that would come across.  Wanted to keep it as simple as possible but wondered if it needed a little more.

-SLUGS.  The colons in the slugs is a habit I'm trying to break.  Read some professional scripts years ago that had colons and it always stuck with me.

If anything, I think it could be done as a music video.  The video for Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups comes to mind.

I hope this clears some things up.

See you around ;)
Joey