Two Beers by Napoleon Bonaparte - Short, Drama - A secret is revealed at a family picnic! - pdf, format 8)

Wow, WTF?  Terrible...simply terrible.  I don't get it at all, don't see any of the challenge in here, and at 5 pages, it's WAY too short.

Sorry, but this one doesn't work at all.

Not sure if I liked this one or not. I didn't really understand things by the last page.

I see how you've incorporated the picnic, but I don't see the secret. Can someone else who's read this and understood it clarify what exactly happened?

This was all over the place....maybe quantity on the OWC is not equalling quality.  I haven't really liked any of the ones I have read yet.

Help!

Morgan

I'm trying to make sence of it but it was pretty pointless, wasn't it? It felt like this was really done to show off that you (whoever you are) know how to make certain scene headings, and talk directly to the reader as if you're writing prose.

...But you forgot the story.

Yeah, I don't really get what the secret actually is. I get the fact that the Man was an alcoholic or something like that and just wanted drinking buddies but didn't get an actual story out of this.

It seemed like the guy was telling his nephew about his sordid past.  Or maybe what he does during the evening that his wife doesn't know about?  That may be it.  Not a bad story, but it would be better if those points were more clear.

I'm not sure what to say. I liked it, but didn't like it. The writing was good. Interesting. The story tho was kinda of, meh. Maybe I just didn't get it? What confused me the most was the end. Why is he giving his car away?  

Some good dialogue in this... but overall I didn't like it.

This was a very, very well written piece, but it lacks the secret that everyone's been asking for. Though, from what I've read, which is a very good story, indeed (I don't know what everyone else is talking about), I think Our Man had lived a different life before, one filled with being friends with homeless people and getting it on with prostitutes, while breaking the law by taking beer out in public. If that's it, and I'm sure it's not, it's not very well revealed to either the audience or the characters.

I imagined this one as sort of a Film Noir script, where everything is black and white, and all the characters don't really have a care in the world. This script is very artsy, with no actual character names and great descriptions that really set the mood. Though, I have to admit, the first description about the clock is extremely unnecessary. If the time is insignificant, and that "nothing...Nothing is happening," then why put it there in the first place?

I'd love to see this script filmed. Just clear everything up a bit. If you do plan on filming it any time soon, go ahead and leave the clock shot in if that's the way you want it. But just clear everything up, make the twist more comprehensible, and don't end it all too abruptly.

Sean

Sorry but I didn't get the story. Though I think it doesnt' fit the OWC. There are too many descriptions and you must write what we see.

This is quite a perplexing script.

I did like this, however:

Quoted Text He looks at the bartender. He looks at his cash. He looks at the bartender. The bartender removes the caps.

It feels to me like you are alluding to something a bit deeper, but unfortunately, it's not displayed.

Andrew

I am just going to echo what has already been said really. It was very well written and interesting piece which ultimately did not seem to go anywhere. I never got it, I have read it twice and still do not understand what is going on. It will be interesting to hear what you have got to say on it when the writers are revealed.

I don't feel this met the challenge and felt the descriptions at the start were clumsy.

I didn't quite understand what was revealed.  I thought the homeless man was like a brother or something.

Slugs shouldn't be in bold.

Don't really feel comfortable scoring this one because I didn't really understand it. Still, I'll give it a go.

Meeting the competition criteria: well, it's a drama. And there's something that resembles a picnic, featuring family members. There's a hint at the existence of a secret, but it's not revealed - 6/10
Characters: I liked the hbo and the bartender. The Man really could have done with a name, I think - 5/10
Dialogue: Some of it was pretty good, but other parts were just too ambiguous. No point trying to be mysterious if you just come off confusing - 5/10
Story: I honestly couldn't follow the narrative. Is the final scene a flashback? Way too ambiguous for my liking. If you want me to put meaning onto it, give me SOMETHING to build on - 4/10
Writing/format: format was fine. The bold sluglines...I don't know what the actual 'rule' is, but I didn't mind them. The writing was good, but sometimes felt a little forced -6/10

TOTAL: 26/50

The first time I read this, I enjoyed your concept and the economy of the storytelling. I then reread it to get a better handle on it to provide feedback and found myself stumbling on some details. So… my overall comment is: a good concept, competently written. Needs attention to details.

Some of the details you might want to look at:

This is possibly pedantic (c’mon, why not?): is the clock in the opening image digital or analogue? I assume it’s analogue because further along you refer to seconds tick away… If that’s the case you might want to indicate the time as: quarter-to-twelve (drop a.m. – we see sliver of sunlight). This, I think, fits the ambience of the bar better.

Descriptions
You might be better served if you delete or abbreviate some descriptions. For example:
Maybe cut:
-- Perhaps the only sign of life in this benighted shit-hole.
-- wishing the evening rush would come. ...and go.
-- Intentionally.
-- or so he doesn’t appear.
-- filled with... who knows?
-- Our Man, the Suit, (keep one or the other)

Not sure about these:
-- But regardless, he’s a Suit. A middle-aged Suit. (Nice feel, but probably redundant).
-- eerily (I don’t get this - distracting).

Dialogue
-- Homeless Man’s dialogue, I think, comes across as contrived, and this appears to be inconsistent: I don’t plan on spending the rest of my life drinking away my sorrows with you, buddy. Then he says: Same time tomorrow?
-- This confused me: I’m not the one to be givin’ public speeches-- to strangers at that! Isn’t Teen the Man’s nephew? (Unk; Hey Auntie…)

Sluglines
-- These may be technically justifiable (dunno for sure), but you might want to consider alternatives to lighten the load, especially for a short of five pages. Can probably lose at least some of the Another Angle (Later) without any danger. In the context, they’re sounding directorial, and get in the way.
-- Not sure about this: FADE TO BLACK TEEN (V.O.) How well do you know your husband? Personally, I like your idea of the V.O. black screen. Just not sure how well it will play. Aw, heck, go for it!

I like the way you wrote the transition to the present, and your ambiguous ending: Will Teen blab or not?

Good work that will benefit from some tidying up.

As a Film Noir script, this would be very good. I understood everything well enough and I could totally imagine it being filmed in black and white Sin City style.

I think the biggest problem with the script is the secret. It's not big enough. The guy drinks with a homeless guy and sleeps with a prostitute, I was expecting bigger. You had more pages to play with, I think this could have been so much better with much more at stake if the teen tells all to the woman.

Writing was great. Very visual, I could picture everything. Some things could be cut in your descriptions but we're all guilty of that at some point. I also noticed you missed a question mark on your very first line of dialogue and again on the bottom of page two. I feared the worst at that point but I'm glad I was proved wrong.

Overall, I'd be very interested to see this filmed in black and white. I was impressed when I read this, then I read the comments and I can't say I agree with the majority of them. Maybe it's just personal taste, I don't know.

A teen turns down a Trans-Am?  I thought this was supposed to be a drama, not science fiction.

I can't say this was necessarily bad, but I'm definately not going to say it was exactly good, either.

One thing...  it needs a lot of work.  There should never be that many typo's in a 5 pager.  That's laziness.

I did like some of the descriptions, though.  In fact...

Quoted from Two Beers A HOMELESS MAN, about fifty yards up, sorts through a SHOPPING CART filled with... who knows?

I love that description in particular.  It says everything we need to know about him.

So, this has it's good points, but it also has it's bad points.  I didn't like it.  But I didn't hate it.  It needs a good, a very good, rewrite though.