Operation by Roberto Eduardo Viola - Short, Drama - A man is invited to his friend's family reunion where more than one secret is revealed. - pdf, format 8)

Oh yeah!  This is my kind of picnic secret.  First rate!

Sorry, but this makes zero sense.  You're missing some major things here...like a car in the opening...like a new super in the 2nd part.  Terrible.  Terribly boring.  Doesn't work at all for me.

In many ways it's a-typical.  Wasn't painful to read, but a lot of characters in a short and names flying everywhere.  I got the story though so I will give you that.

Morgan

What's with these revenge stories? Don't people move past things?

It was clean. Well written and structured. It had story.

Would I watch it? No.

Not my cup of tea at all. I had ta force myself to finish it. Not your fault. I just go blank when people start talking about the cia and communists its just all blah blah blah to me. So I'm not comfortable critiqing teh story. The picnic seemed like an after thought tho, like ya just slipped it in there and the main character being able to escape the cell seemed a little too convient. JMO

Gotta agree with some of the above comments, I'm afraid.

Meeting the competition criteria: as Astrid said, the picnic seemed like an afterthought. The 'family reunion' banner reinforced that impression for me. This was a spy/revenge action short with a family picnic drama crowbarred in at the end. Doesn't work for me - 6/10
Characters: none particularly memorable. Too many to really keep track of. Raymond was probably the most interesting - 5/10
Dialogue: Communists, death squads, CIA, demolitions contractors...it's all very serious, isn't it? Very well-trodden ground here - 5/10
Story: see above. How Raymond got from where he was in 1984 to the picnic in 2008 might have been an interesting story, but this is really just a beginning and an end without a proper middle - 5/10
Writing/format: the list of SUPERs at the start takes too long and slows the momentum of the read right down from the off. The writing was generally a bit cumbersome; the repetition of 'mestizo' began to irritate by the end - 5/10

TOTAL: 26/50

It's an actiony-adventure picnic story.  The real issue though is that it's a story without a middle.  It begins, runs for five pages, hard cut and you end up at an exposition heavy end where the writer attempts to pad out what should have happened in the middle.

One of the reasons it doesn't have a middle or an adequate transition between the sections is that there are way too many words and the writer ran out of pages for his story.  It's a coupling of writing about stuff that is completely unnecessary and overwriting what you do need.

An example of the first is in the second scene: "A MAN in his 20’s sleeps soundly on a mattress setting on the floor in the corner of his one room apartment. A kitchenette adorns one side while the only door apart from the entrance leads into the bathroom."  Really?  Why do I need to know about the kitchenette and the door to the bathroom or anything else?  It's an action scene. It should move. Three or four lines, max, in and out.  He's asleep on the floor, they kick in the door, grab him and drag him out.  I don't need to know about his decorator or his tailor.

The best example of just how overwritten it is can be found in the scene where Maduro is thrown in the cell.  It's a stone cell -- there's nothing to describe. The writer kills the tension and buries the momentum of the escape with lots of words.  Twenty-Seven lines of prose to get a guy out a hole in the wall?  You really want to spend a whole minute in a four by four box as Maduro struggles with a rock?

I also had trouble with some of the character introductions.  Why doesn't Frank get an introduction when we first meet him?  Are we too distracted by his exposed penis to notice his face? Why does Maduro start out as MAN and then transition into Maduro?  It's the same guy.  It's not like he pulls off a latex mask.  

Then there's the whole Maduro into Raymond issue.  You want to keep it a secret that Raymond and Maduro are the same man.  But the "secret" just confuses. Why are we at a picnic? Who are we following?  The physical transition between the two sections is jarring.  If you're going to do that kind of transition you have to tie it to a character and not to a bunch of trees.  We have to follow Maduro through those trees to where he is now Raymond or there's no flow.

The ending is a complete ran out of pages cheat .  First you move the character of Elvia on stage and she and Raymond talk.  You have a son! I didn't mean to betray you!  Important stuff and it has no resonance.  It's not layered into the story. It's just forced onto the audience.  She walks off stage and then Frank takes her place. Then there's the gunfighter showdown.  These two guys talking and telling.  Here's what you should have seen if I could have been bothered to write it.

There has been an interesting reaction to this one. Personally, I enjoyed it. I agree with Lakewood regards the character introductions. It was obvious that 'Maduro' and 'Raymond' were one and the same - you had nowhere to go with the story otherwise.

I thought you paced what content you have pretty well, however. The first page is a little too long though, 'cos we get half a page of page-eating description, which we could do without.

The character arc of Raymond is pretty clear, and he definitely has a resolution, but I agree that there is no middle as such. He's gets his payoff - however, I agree with Johnny that the years in between are where the real story is.

I will say that I think this one is better than the response has suggested.

Andrew

I liked this one a lot, some of the dialogue is a bit iffy here and there but the story itself I thought was cool and it did fit well with the theme and challenge and I could tell that a good effort was put into this.  I do think it gets a bit too talky near the end, I think the characters suggesting what they know would have made it a bit stronger and a little more intense, still this is a solid entry that fits this challenge so good job.

Just reread this one.  Looks like I missed a few things, so I wanted to apologize to the writer, and make some corrections, and give more detailed feedback.

I didn't know what a Deuce and a Half was.  Maybe because it wasn't capitalized it didn't register with me?  I don't know, but that's why I thought the writer forgot to intro a vehicle of some kind.  My bad.

Also missed the 2nd Super, somehow.  Looking back, it may have to do with the "Anywhere USA" thing being something that didn't stick with me...not sure.  I think there definitely should have been an actual city or whatever name used.  Could have had to do with the fact that the Super comes in a bit late?  I don't know.  Again, my bad.

I originally said that this didn't make sense.  It makes more sense after an adddiitonal read, and would probably continue to make even more sense after numerous reads.  I think there are too many characters here, and the fact that they are intro'd with different names, and a 24 year gap, makes it tough to stay with things and immidiately know who's who, or who they were 24 years ago.

This is a big story here with grand designs.  I think it's too big for 12 pages, and for me personally, the subject matter was difficult to follow.  As a few have already commented, the writer could have bought himself a couple extra pages by taking out unneccssary description in the first half.

A better effort than I originally gave it credit for.  My apologies to the author here.

This is pretty well written.  A feew problems with descriptions - I really didn't like the He looks like a typcial mestizo, like 90% of the country - but most of that could be easily cleaned up in a second draft.  

I think my biggest problem was the ending was pretty obvious.  There was no real suspense.

Good effort though!

I can see how this story is hit or miss.  Although the genre is not my flavor of choice, for the most part  I liked what I read on the page.  This is no picnic story, however.

The design is straight forward: A setup in 1984 and a payoff in 2008.  I don't feel you need the middle story for this short, because it would have no bearing on the ending.  Maduro is betrayed/wronged and gets revenge.
The mid-story becomes more important if you want to expand and flesh out.
Your writing as some suggested, could be more economical.  

On page 3, when Maduro is shown in the cell, you tell us the door slams.  I'd drop that and just open with him resting in the cell, maybe formulating a plan.

I didn't care much for his escape.  On first read, I thought the guy was hallucinating  -- kind of a take on "An Occurrence at Owl Creek" by Ambrose Bierce.  It had that feel.  When I realized Maduro actually broke out of the cell, it seemed off.  Too easy.  And he seemed to make it home pretty quick.  I think it was just the quick cuts from jail cell to forest and then forest to home.

I think it was Dreamscale who mentioned not liking the Super: Anywhere USA.  I too would like a specific location.  Because Maduro/Raymond has waited 24 years for this opportunity, let this be in a specific city.  Miami?

The secret I think is that Maduro is the father of Elvia's son. Correct?  After learning this news, there wasn't much reaction on Raymond's part.  I think this secret should impact the ending.  As is, Raymond just proceeds with his revenge plan.  Something feels amiss.  Instead of all the chit chat between Raymond and Frank, how about some kind of encounter between Raymond and his now-grown son?

The interplay between Frank and Raymond was performed too much for our sake.  It would work better if Frank denies knowing Raymond and his past. And I didn't care for the ending.  It seemed predictable and routine.  Again, I'd like the son to play a part in all of this.

With that said, I commend you on undertaking a huge story.  It does need more pages to stretch its legs, but your writing is quite solid.  I had no problems with the split story:  setup and payoff.  I just think that the motives and reactions should be reworked.

I've just finished reading this and I don't agree with many of the comments. I enjoyed this a fair bit, found it easy to follow, even if it's a bit over descriptive at times. The writing was clear, easy to understand and made a difficult story easy to read for me anyway.

This is a big story, maybe too big for 12 pages but I think you pulled it off. It gets a bit crammed at the end with the big blocks of dialogue filling us in on everything but I liked the last few lines of dialogue before the gunshot. It left me with a smile on my face.

The story was fine. The cell escape was far too easy (or was it meant to be that way? Now my head's spinning!). Raymond's lack of reaction when he finds out he's the father was starnge, but then again, he does kill for a living. Communists and CIA matters are heavy subjects handled very well in the 12 pages. I will be sure to give this another read soon, I think there's something here I'm missing but as it is, I don't think it's getting the credit it deserves on here.

Good job!

This is definitely better than most of the earlier comments made it out to be but still far from perfect. What's off is the flow and to me it felt like I was reading two seperate stories.

While I understand that you wanted the character reveals at the end to be a surprise I still think you should've kept them consistant because it added unnecessary confusion. Take for instance when he goes to Elvira's house after escaping the prison and sees a man and a woman in bed. You could've told us who these two were or atleast that the girl was Elvira. When I read it I thought he was looking for someone but wandered in on two people he didn't know (wrong room, wrong house, the guy's nuts, something?). I also think Raymond and Gerald's conversation could be trimmed. Who cares that they both have gym memberships? Gerald says on the next page that he met Raymond at the gym so that should be enough.

Overall, another really ambitious story that wasn't able to be fully executed in 12 pages. It looks like a solid story and conflict though, just expand it out some so that the audience actually sees some of the stuff the two merely talk about at the end.

I liked it and have only this idea to add: It appears to me the author had an action story to do regardless of the OWC criteria. If the theme had been about an elevator than the same action story would have been told. Write it like the action story it wants to be.

Gary

Well, now that all is revealed, I figured I'd say a word or two about mine, since I suspect the overall simplicity of the exercise didn't warrant any deep reading.

Looking through all the comments left on mine here, I find it amusing that only one person has actually commented on the real secret. And really, he didn't bring it totally out, but just observed. I've been hit on the secrets being too obvious, and it running boring to the end, but the secrets mentioned are the obvious ones. No one has hit the subtexted actual secret within the script. It's there, and it is a secret.

Maybe it's my fault as the writer for keeping too much unsaid. I said so much at the end that I'm sure the obvious was latched onto completely veiling the unspoken truth. I mean, yay me that I kept it that hidden, but I hoped someone would figure it out.

Before I go into that, let's take care of a little housekeeping.

First thing is that this script was written to be seen. Got some complaints about overwriting, and name changing, but the rule is "Show, don't tell," right? Well, when you first see Maduro, he's just a guy on a mattress. He has no name. He isn't identified until the next scene. The Lieutenant is identified visually by his rank and name on his uniform. The man in the background is unknown and in the shadows. You can't tell that it's the same man hours later in the house. And when the scene transitions, I had no intention of Raymond and Maduro being the same person as being a secret. No, it was written so you would pick up on it quickly, but Raymond was identified as Raymond, not Maduro as he was before. I only gave you as much information as you could see on screen. No more. That's showing. If I said RAMON MADURO, 25, that's useful for a script to be made, but what can you see about him? Some may disagree, but I attempted to capture the screen experience. I guess some don't fully agree.

Another thing that has been mentioned before is that you mention race when it is important to the story. I mentioned the race "mestizo" in the script, and was hit on for using the world too often. If I'd said they were black or white or Mexican, would there have been a complaint?

Ok, yeah, he escaped too easily, but his escape wasn't the point of the story.

One person asked if we would be spending a minute of screen time in that cell in complaining of it being overwritten. Um, yeah, probably. And the door slam was significant because it links the two scenes together. One slam defines both the interrogation room and the cell since there's no walk between them. And it would be at least a minute in that cell if not more. It's a matter of writing the suspense. Meh, could be overwritten a bit, but you'll spend every moment in that room.

Finally, the descriptions of the apartment. Got complaints about pointing out the bathroom and kitchenette. Unfortunately, the person who complained about that also stated that Maduro returned "home" after he escaped. Um, how many houses have one room that contains a kitchenette? He didn't go home. He went to his girlfriend's house; some place completely different.

Oh yeah. The picnic scene was conceived of first, by the way. I only did the 1984 part for some backstory. Funny that some people thought the picnic was an after thought. I mean... the picnic was the whole point, right?

Okay, as to that secret. Let's look at this carefully. What can we see about Raymond/Ramon? Well, I gave careful thought to what a guy who endured that experience would do as a profession, and I came up with one. Did you figure out what it was? Did you figure out who he worked for? He's an "independant contractor." Just like Frank is a "business consultant." Raymond had been sent to kill a general and then the lieutenant that captured him. He didn't say he went on his own. He was also really well informed for someone who wanted revenge.

Ramon was hitman who was hired by the group that he was accused of being a part of to kill the people involved with Operation Charly (which is real, by the way; look it up on Wikipedia) in Honduras. He was paid for the deaths of the general and lieutenant, but when he found his next job was the one who had ruined his life, he told them it would be no charge because of the added bonus of the vendetta.

Why didn't he want to talk to his son? Well, he didn't know his old girlfriend would be there, and he also didn't want his son to know what his father had become. I'm sure he wanted to stay and talk, but he had a job to do. He wanted to do it and get out of there. The discovery of his old flame and the pain he was about to cause her only served to emphasize the desire to finish the job and be gone. He was contracted to finish it, and he needed to.

The final question, though... Ramon claimed to not be a member of the communist party he was captured and accused of being in. But isn't he working for them now? So was he a part of them then, or did the incident serve to drive him into them? What was his actual affiliation? I confess I don't even know. It's a secret.

So, yeah, it was deep and maybe as the writer, maybe I didn't actually tell enough. Maybe I told too much. Maybe my subtext was so overwhelming that it would be missed because who honestly reads these things is that much detail?

Is it possible to see all this?