Family Picnic by TJH - Short, Drama - Tracey, wants, no needs to get married to remain in the Contry. She meets a man 20 years older at a party. He needs a sexy young wife, she needs a ring. What could go wrong? - pdf, format 8)

Meeting the competition criteria: yes, it's drama. But you have a BBQ instead of a proper picnic, and it only makes an appearance at the very end. I don't think an engaged couple and the groom's friends really counts as a family. While it feels like you whacked the 'secret' in the end there just to make sure you'd included one, at least you DID include one. Generally, though, not really following the criteria IMO - 4/10
Characters: pretty good characterisation here. Constance and Tracey in particular - 8/10
Dialogue: the dialogue came across as authentic throughout, lacked any particularly memorable moments though, apart from the end - 6/10
Story: I understood Tracey's motivations, and sympathised with her. However, the end just comes so quickly! Far TOO quickly. You had a page left of your allowance, and I think you should have used it - 5/10
Writing/format: you started with a 'we', which put me on the lookout for more errors. There's one big one - 'Derek emerges with an unmarked DVD' is included in Nigel's dialgoue instead of a separate action line. However, I know that's just a typo. Your last line...it made me smile, and I get what you're going for, but I think it fells too unconnected. Generally, it was okay - 5/10

TOTAL: 28/50

This one was very well written, with quite a few errors, but nonetheless, well written. The dialogue was pretty good and I could easily imagine what was going on, the way they talked, etc. Though, there was a little too much going on, in my opinion. You had so many characters that I'd forget who was who (especially with the men). Also, I had no idea that Constance and Tracey had gotten engaged until the very end. I mean, I know that they talked about marriage, but I didn't actually know that they decided to get married until the end.

But other than that kind of stuff, it was pretty good.

Sean

Too many characters. was rushed.

...says the author

I liked the dialogue in this, it came across as very real and authentic. Good job on that. There were a lot of characters but I could follow everything fine so I guess that's okay.

I did have problems with the title, "Family Picnic" doesn't really fit in my opinion. I think you could come up with something more suitable that fits your story.

The secret came out of nowhere, it explains why Constance needed to bring home a girl so bad but I dunno if I liked it or not. It was a good script, the ending just didn't do it for me.

This was a strange one.  Lots of errors throughout.  The dialogue was difficult to follow because of the accents and slangs.  I don't buy any of it as being realistic.  The graphic language and sex came as a shock, and felt very out of place.  The end made this seem like it was all a set up for a joke, which you ended with.

I don't see this meeting any of the guidelines, as there wsn't a picnic, no family whatsever, and really no secret being revealed, although it was apparently news to her.

Didn't work for me.

I have to side with Dreamscale on this one. The dialogue was okay until Constance came on and then his broken english was too exaggerated for me to follow.

The story was poorly told as well as important details like their impending engagement were dropped in dialogue much later sequentially than they should've been. Honestly, I don't know if I would have had any idea what was going on in this one if I hadn't read the synopsis first.

There are a lot of other typos, most of them lazy ones, that would've been caught from a single re-read.

Format looks alright though but it'd be a stretch to think this fit the challenge. Sorry, but this one just didn't wok for me. Try removing some characters as JamminGirl suggested and focusing more on the story of the two main characters. Better luck next time.

This just feels like you took a script, reworked it a bit and entered it. Anyway, I didn't have problems with the dialogue. The story tho didn't interest me. It might have if I was given a reason to root for Tracey in her quest to stay in the country. But I wasn't.

Quoted Text Suddenly the door shoves outward revealing TRACEY CAMERON,A the curvy, creamy coffee kind of 28 year old beauty black guys would give their left nuts for

I'm white, and I would give my "left nuts" - "curvy, creamy coffee kind" or not. Didn't think it was necessary to explicitly state "black guys". An odd choice. Don't want to get hung up on this, but I can imagine it would ruffle a few feathers, and not in a good way.

That said, this was a decent script.

Andrew

Quoted from Andrew I'm white, and I would give my "left nuts" - "curvy, creamy coffee kind" or not. Didn't think it was necessary to explicitly state "black guys". An odd choice. Don't want to get hung up on this, but I can imagine it would ruffle a few feathers, and not in a good way.

This stood out to me, too. The way that line is written makes the characters seem so exclusive to one particular audience.

The script itself was very uneven. The sex scene felt gratutious. The jump from Tracey eying Constance in the nightclub to him suddenly dropping her off at her house felt unrealistic. You had an extra page to work with; why didn't you include a scene with them meeting up for the first time and saying hello or something? They need to meet before he drops her off. It's crucial.

I'm not sure how much of this has to do with the OWC, either.

I didn't really care for this one.

This one is a little disjointed.  It takes awhile to get to what the story is actually about and then once we're there there's a time lapse .  It needs to be tightened.

For me it would work better if the writer did a little remodeling upfront. The first three pages are pretty much just chatter.  If I want to be compelled to follow Tracey through the next nine or pages I have to know pretty quickly who she is and why someone would bother to write about her.  She's hot, who cares.

Later in the script the writer provides us with a glimpse of the real Tracey when she's talking to Lewis about the level of sexual acrobatics she's willing to go through not to be deported.  She's put in a lot of time and effort.  Is she a "nice" person?  Not so much but at least she's interesting.  That's the Tracey we need to meet in the first pages. She's leaning against the bar at Lewis' birthday party and she's husband shopping. And your story is in motion.

Too quote Lewis Too much.

The Black guy -left nut thing was just awful.

Disjointed is the right word, and I think Astrid hit it on the head.  It feels like you just tooks some scenes from a longer works and kind of cut to make it fit the challenge.  And the secret just felt tacked on.

Not sure what to say on this one. I followed the plot once I figured out where the scenes were going, but the transitions were really rough and unexpected in most cases. I went back and forth when Connie dropped off Tracey (or did they "go back to his place"?) and then it suddenly transitioned to her cooking something. I caught through the dialogue that two months had passed, but before that, it felt like it just continued.

I could follow Tracey's reasoning for doing what she was doing, but once the idea was in her head and she was set on going for "just anyone," I didn't follow the reason she would stick to this guy, who is, by his own admission, another transplant. How did he get his citizenship? What exactly is stopping Tracey? Maybe I missed it.

I didn't get what Derek was there for with the DVD either.

The ending is where I think you placed your secret, but it completely came out of no where, though I did understand the purpose of the sex scene when it came up. I followed it, but it just didn't work for me.

So overall, this was a strange entry that barely followed the rules, but it seems the writer has enough of an imagination to improve...though I would start anew rather than use this to expand on. My opinion.

I took a read through the previous comments, and I have no idea where people are getting the idea that the dialogue in this story is authentic.  I thought the dialogue and ALL the accents are horrible.

Quoted from Constance Lewis lucky man, him have a really nice girlfriend.

I thought he was supposed to be Jamaican.  Why is he talking like a caveman?

Quoted from Constance For real? You sound Canadian man!

Now he sounds like a teenage Californian surfer.

I don't even know what you were trying to do with that '(alternate Canadian edged twang)' character action.  What's that mean?

Quoted from old man1 That's why me always walk with my own things y'know.

I thought he's Caribbean.  Why is he talking like he's straight from Ireland?

So long story short, no.  Bad job on the dialogue.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm bashing the script, but I feel this story deserves it because, and I know I'm not alone here:  IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OWC CHALLENGE!

That's why I'm going to bash it.  (Don't worry.  I'll still be critical about it.)

There was no picnic.  There was no family.  The secret might barely pass.  But the person who hired you to write the screenplay for their premise just laughed at you and has now blacklisted you from ever taking another outside idea again and working with it.  The closest thing you got to the assignment was having a rushed barbecue on the last third of the page.

As for the story, honestly...  It jumped around way too much.  I didn't even realize 5 months had passed!  And evidently nobody else did either.  George Wilson said 2 months, but there's another 3 months in there somewhere.

Plus with the broken dialogue and another fact that George Wilson touched upon, how is Constance going to help her legalize her immigration when he's 100x more foriegn than her?  Didn't you say he was in the country for twenty-some years?  And that's the best English or caveman that he can come up with?

It's a shame...  the first story I come across in a long time with gratuitous sex and I can't even enjoy it.

Once again.  Sorry so harsh...  but if you would've stuck with the guidelines, I wouldn't be so pissed right now.

And don't worry, I didn't waste a lot of time on reviewing this.  I'm just a really fast typer.

- Mark

I felt really, really sorry for that girl.  it was terrible that he took advantage of her like that.

The dialogue was fine.  The action was fine.  The jump in time was disconcerting at first, but would come across okay on film, I'd say.

I am not much of a fan of sex in films, but this was no more or blatant than many films.  It was fine.  In fact, if you only dealt with it via dialogue, people would have complained that you didn't show it.  So often there is no way to win.

I think it was a good script!

I thought this one was an acceptable stab at the challenge.  The reason I say acceptable is because I think the idea might have started out as a joke because of the ending, which seems to me to be almost a punchline.

The dialogue to me seemed uneven as far as the accents went but it still had a natural feel to it.  I'm sure another go at it would even it out.

I think the transitions between scenes could use a bit of work because the seemed confusing to me.  This was probably because of the time changes, they could be a bit more pronounced.

If I were going to suggest one improvement then I would suggest a rethink of the ending.  It isn't a problem to end it where you do but you lose the drama feel of the rest of the script.  I think this is mostly because we don't get to see how Tracey reacts.

JohnnyBoy, I can't believe you only gave me a measely 28/50. How mean! *pouts*
Yeah, It wasn't a conventional family but single people in a foreign country sometimes rely on friends to play familial roles.

Yeah, thanks for the dialogue comment. I made sure it was authentic because I often cringe at inauthentic dialogue.
Fortunately for me with this story, it was loosely(this is important) based on actual events and since I know most of the
characters involved, it wasn't hard to make the dialogue real.

Bear in mind that I rushed this script(from the wee hours in the morning to about 9:00AM) in order to meet the deadline.
I didn't even realize that I had about 24 hours more.
The errors: I started the script using Celtx but I hated the fact that it didn't automatically and certain attributes like
Final Draft does. I exported the script to text so that I could import it into Final Draft but it messed up the dialogue/action format.
I didn't realize until much much later. I quickly did a fix and resend to Don. unfortunately I wasn't thorough enough.


Hey Zombie Sean, thanks! :) I remember thinking, too many characters as I wrote but the scenes were written the very first way I
imagined without revision. In terms of the timing, I deliberately left out superimposed timelines. Instead I went with conventions I see in recent times.
Time exposition through dialgue(and picture). I guess this should be used tentatively...

1987brian Yeah, a bbq isn't a picnic. You're right. The ending, well I wrote that around 8:00AM when my brain started winding down.
It could've been better. In terms of the secret, well the phone call during the morning hours and Constance ignoring the call is a bit questionable.
along with his sexual proclivities, blowing Tracey off on his birthday for the friend and the friend acting like a jealous woman the very first time he met her.
I used behaviour...

Dreamscale, what can I say, all opinions are welcome.

bobtheballa the same applies here.

Astrid I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or insult. Compliment that you think it's formatted well enough to
be a pilfered one, or insult that I would copy an existing story. I'll go with the former.

Andrew Allen I guess not all character intros can over smoothely, eh? It wasn't meant to be exclusionary.
Thanks for the decent comment.

Sham, seriously, would you have preferred the use of dialogue instead of action to portray an integral story point?
In terms of the timelines, maybe I'll consider a different method of showing the pasting of time...

Lakewood yeah, you're right about changing the first scene. A short only has so much pages to start a story...

seamus19382, again, all opinions are welcome.

George Willson Opinion recieved. Thanks. As for the timelines, will work on that.

rc1107, since I'm Jamaican myself, I think I'm in a better position to decipher Jamaican colloquialisms than you do.
I'm not worried about how you spend your time. Thanks for the opinion.

steven8 Thanks! :)

mcornetto Actually, I thought the last line might bring a smile to the face of many but it
was used to give a tone/feel of speechless shock. Yeah, maybe Tracey's specific reaction would've made a difference...
Thanks!

I didn't think it was that bad. The picnic, or barbecue or whatever you want to call it did come into play a little late and the secret made me go "wtf...?" and I didn't even link it to the sex until I read someone else linking to it. There was a few errors here and there and a few of the characters could stand to go but apart from that it wasn't bad.

Hey thanks for the feedback. :)