The First Stone by Dengjun Gan - Short, Drama - A woman is faced with a difficult choice in order to save her son from a deadly condition. - pdf, format 8)

nicely executed; cliche and preachy.

I had some problems with the amount of characters and their relationships with each other but on when I read it for the second time, I understood everything. Maybe it's just me, I've read too much today.

Troy's not mad when he finds out he's not the dad. I think he needs to be a bit angry with Ashley until he finds out the truth with Theo in the end. As it is, he just takes it all in, he even smiles at the Doctor.

Theo was one creepy son of a bitch! I really wanted him to get shot but maybe the kid wouldn't have survived then.

Dialogue was okay. It was good in parts but some lines didn't feel right. Beth saying "Oh, well get him on the phone alright and we’ll get him to the hospital...It may be in a god damn ambulance or a hearse, but we will get him there!" didn't really feel right for me anyway.

Overall, it's another good entry for the OWC.

I liked this for the most part.  One of the stronger entries for sure.

Way too much passive verbiage, once again.  Too many characters for a short, and just too much going on, really.  I don't buy the ending...just didn't come off as at all real.  And Theo just came off as way too over the top evil.

Overall, though, well done.  Congrats!

This was a good effort. It was certainly a drama, met all the requirements of the challenge and was in the most part well written. Yes, it was a little cliched and fairly obvious from early on, but sometimes you need to be a little cliched to tell a story like this and this was a decent example of that.

There certainly nothing here to complain about. Nice one.

This was pretty good for meeting the criteria. A lot of drama and a good secret revealed.

The story was a bit confusing for me though, maybe a few too many characters that were a little too hard to tell apart. I don't think you chose the correct characters to concentrate the story on though. Ashley and Alex have the big journey to go on, not Theo and his wife. I think you could maybe twist that around a bit.

A few believability problems with the baby spewing up blood and his mother having to be talked into taking him to a doctor. I don't get the whole insurance thing in America for that kind of thing, but it felt a bit off to me. A lot of the dialogue could use more work, but for a week's work that's always likely to be the case.

Overall, a pretty decent effort that you should really continue to work on. Has potential.

This entry is fairly solid. The drama works for the most part.  I'll go over what I think needs fixing.

I had to read it a second time to know the characters and their past.  There are a lot of “A” names: Alexander, Abby, Ashley, so it was challenge to connect some of the dots.
There are a few tangents that seem to muddle the story.  David for one, throws me.  He’s the soldier, who is talked about in the story and shows up in the end. But I’m not sure what his role is…  Or if he’s needed at all in this story.
I think as soon as Beth gets the first call about Alexander’s condition, and that Dr. Hart “sent for an ambulance,” she should be on her way to the clinic  or hospital.  After all, it’s her grandchild we’re talking about.
Actually, in retrospect, she should have accompanied her daughter to the clinic.  If there is blood in the baby's vomit, that doesn't sound like something to blow off.
I also don’t like it that Beth refers to Theo as “Rev. Theo” in her phone conversation on page 9.  Maybe Rev. A**hole.   Also, on page 7, Ashley refers to Dr. Hart as “Dr. Bert.”
Once he’s accused, Theo lays into Beth pretty good.  
So why not let Troy shoot the SOB in the leg?  Or better, Theo should have gone over and kicked the Reverend’s ever-lovin' a**.  Theo needs to blow up and get his anger out and if he sees Theo beating a woman, well, he's got to do what a man's gotta do.  Know what I'm saying here?
i also wondered why nobody else in the picnic grounds didn't see Theo smack Beth around.  He's not trying to conceal his actions.
Another reviewer mentioned Troy’s reaction in the room, not long after finding out he’s not Alexander’s father.  It’s off-kilter.  You tell us that “A brief smile flashes on Troy’s face.” Huh? He’s OK now because he is allowed to stay in the room. Come on.  He was devastated a minute ago and he should still be in a daze.  I just don’t see him asking if he should leave, while his wife reveals the biological father.
I wasn’t surprised by Theo because from the get-go, he just seemed strange.  You know, one of those phony evangelist types, who doesn’t practice what he preaches.  Early on his ex-wife even talks down about him, so I got the hint that he wasn’t a good guy.
Some of the writing is a little wordy.  Look at Sarah’s description.  That’s more info than we need to know.  You should give us more physical description of Theo.  Like maybe his eye color.
Then when you describe baby Alexander, you might also mention the same eye color.  That would be a clue we can appreciate later.
This thing with the lack of medical insurance. Why doesn’t Beth help out?  Well, maybe these folks are just backwards. Ha, it seems their accents might say that and then some.
Sarah, despite marrying Theo, seems to be the brightest candle on the cake.
And as another reviewer mentioned, if this is Troy and Ashley's journey, then start the story with them.
Streamline the action a bit to make it a faster read.  Lose some of the detail stuff that is unnecessary early on, such as the setting up of the stroller.  The dialogue for the most part was OK.  Fix some of the reactions, so they seem more real.  Yeah, the story is clichéd, but you do bring us full circle.  I’m not sure about that ending, it felt like a feel-good closer.
Despite my gripes, a pretty solid piece of work for a one-week challenge.

I got the impression that you were flooded with ideas and possibilities when developing this story and didn’t have time to shape it adequately, nor finesse it. All part of the OWC, right?

Theme
There are some big ideas here. But which one is your story? Your title sends one message, your logline another, and your script conveys a few other different ones. My view is that your title, logline, and story do not align.

How would you answer this question: what is the essence of your story?

You seem to be gunning for a few alternatives, including:

-- the destructive nature of (religious/moral) hypocrisy by those in positions of authority;

-- the importance of emotional freedom;

-- the importance of a community taking action to protect itself.

Your main, or A, story should be crystal clear to the audience. I don’t think it is.

You need to distil your theme, which will help clarify your story.

BTW, I think the sick kid is incidental – it’s a device that supports a larger theme.

Characters
If you had a clear fix on what your story is really about, this would help you determine which characters are the main event, and which ones are expendable. Having several characters vying for prime spot is not working. We don’t know whom to focus on.

Dialogue
Again, this is probably just not having sufficient time for finetuning but you need to reconsider your dialogue. To me, it sounds pretty much like a first draft. It needs to sound more natural, less forced. I can relate!

Also, several of the characters sound too much alike – they don’t have unique voices. Theo is the exception. If you covered or deleted the names of the female characters, I reckon it would be hard to pick who was talking. Ideally, each character’s personality should shine through every line of their respective dialogue.

Descriptions
You can probably cut about 25% (maybe more) off your descriptions without shortchanging your story. Trust the reader/audience – they’re smart, they’ll get it.

For example:

-- No need to describe the pavilion in detail. Just tell us:           
               Open air picnic pavilion surrounded by tall pines.
Forget the slate roof, concrete, picnic tables, rough carved up timber, and the squirrels (sorry!) – all this just gets in the way.

-- Be economical. Stop at:
             It is jammed full of picnic supplies.
No need to describe a shopping list. The reader can easily imagine this stuff.

Don’t clutter your script with unnecessary details that a producer or director will very likely ignore and/or change.

Rewrite?
If you were to do a rewrite, I suggest you:

1. Determine what is the essence of your story – what is it really about?

2. Reduce the number of key characters. Give us two, maybe three, to focus on.

3. Allocate four or maybe five (max) different traits to each character.

4. Write each character’s dialogue to convey their traits. Each character needs a unique voice.

5. Be economical with your descriptions.

Other details
I agree with most of what Abe from LA said.

I hope you don’t mind me asking: did you design the name Theophilus Daley as a sarcastic play on his character? Wicked!

I think you have lots of story possibilities. My view is that you need to decide what theme you want to go with and then design your story structure to deliver on the theme.

TOO MANY ELLIPSES! I was very annoyed by this, though it is a pet peeve of mine.

Theo was kind of psychotic and I didn't really buy it. He was OVERLY crazy. I kind of expected the end of some horror flick and he was actually possessed the whole time. I am not a religious person, and think that anyone would protect their own skin, but he acted as if he was God's messenger.

Other than that part, the rest pieced together perfectly. I also didn't care for the over-explanation of the pavilion, etc, but wasn't a big deal to me. Good job.

-kjb.

I thought the part between Dr. hart and troy about Troy being the baby's daddy came off as a bit corny.

Also, when Beth talks to Ashley and seems to put things together on her own---thats a little unbelievable.  She didnt make it clear in the other conversation she had with her that it was a paternity test...it came across as just a blood test, like to see if Troy had the disease.  I think you sould make it clearer right away that it was a peternity test.

I liked this though.  Theo comes off as a bit over-the-top, but I think it worked.  Some preachers let the power they have go to their head, and I didn't find it that unrealistic.

Beth, I think, is probably your strongest character in this, followed by Sarah.  Good job there.

My main comment is to work on Troy.  It's natural for him to be at least somewhat pissed after finding out the baby isn't his....if you have that, you will get an even stronger reaction when he goes to the picnic to save it.

good job.

This is well written. I like the discriptions, they're easy to visualize. Some tho I thought were a little wordy, like "black hair that falls like a waterfall over her sensible, short sleeved blouse."

Also, I wonder why you described the group as appearing to be white and middle class? This info, like the color of someone's hair, doesnt really seem relevant.

On the whole tho I did think it was a well written well told story. But why would Ashley bring a sick child to a picnic? I wonder too if maybe the minister isn't too much of a sterotype? A little more subtlety maybe?

Definately one of the better stories I've read.

As others have mentioned, there are too many characters with few personality traits. The dialogue from the women really overlaps if you remove the names.

Descriptions were extremely heavy in the beginning of the script.

A football rolls out and bounces on the ground.

It’s picked up by SARAH DALEY, (Mid 20’s). She’s smallish,
but very pretty with bright blue eyes and black hair that
falls like a waterfall over her sensible, short sleeved
blouse.

She is holding ABBEY (4 mos.) in her car carrier and has an
overstuffed diaper bag slung over her shoulder.

With her free hand, she picks up the football.

Right there, Sarah picks up the football twice.

     THEO
Unbelievable, these people.

He picks up the cooler, as many chairs as he can carry and
heads up towards the slate roofed pavilion.

The description/action following Theo's dialogue is pointless and leaves nothing for the audience to think about. His dialogue, however, reveals a lot, especially about his character.

EXT. PAVILION SIX

The picnic is in full swing. Burgers sizzle. Flies buzz the
potato salad. Kids run berserk in a sugar fueled frenzy.

CHURCH FOLK, about 30 in all, attend to the festivities. They
are various ages, but appear to all be white upper class.
Some sit in their folding chairs, chatting or playing cards.

Others hover like gnats around the table covered with soda
bottles, bags of chips and assorted condiments.

Other than the CHURCH FOLK introduction, most of this can and should go.

All of this, including burgers sizzling and kids running, is apparent from the very first sentence. You just told us earlier that the picnic supplies included charcoal, chairs, and soda. If the picnic is in full swing like you say, the audience will know all of this is included in the festivites.

     BETH
(Jokingly) And here she comes, the
current wife...Me, in a slightly
newer model...

I'm pretty sure parentheticals have their own line, wedged right between the character name and the dialogue.

Overall, I didn't like this. Too much going on in a script with too much description with characters I couldn't follow. You have several themes as mythos mentioned, but you never seem to find the focus of your story. The script never connected with me.

Sorry, I couldn't really get into this one. There were way too many characters to be developed in so few pages and I felt like everyone other than Theo seemed a little boring. How many of these characters do we really need? Other than being nice to imagine, what purpose does the hot girl in the daisy duke shorts serve?

Also, how long was this picnic? Somehow there's enough time for the baby to be seen there coughing blood, rushed to the hospital, tested, recieve the results and give Troy enough time to find a gun and make it back while everyone's still there? The timing seemed like a bit of a stretch.

There may be a decent story there but it didn't really hook me. After Theo's sermon the characters and their conversations weren't interesting enough to keep me hooked, maybe if you re-wrote it and developed the central characters better?

Another "Who's the daddy?" theme. I liked this one because Theo was so easy to hate.. The ending was kinda twisty cool. Nothing else to add that hasn't already been said.

Gary

PS I learned a new word: "Bloviate" to  speak pompously

First, yes, I like the word bloviate, along with kerfuffle and shaboingle...

I bit off a bit more than I could chew on this one, and wrote myself into a corner. Bit rusty in writing, but needed to do something to get the gears turning again. Wish I had spent more time on it instead of rushing it through.

Excellent reviewers, just wish I had spent more time thinking through the story; much like getting a paper back from the teacher covered in red ink. That's cool though, as that's how you learn and keep sharp.

[Warning- American Politics ahead] Theo really wasn't that over the top, in my opinion...He's an amalgamation of a lot of the moderate to extreme elements on the religious right, who can not see how they could POSSIBLY be wrong about anything, no matter how obvious it is to everyone else.

Timing was a big problem, as well as keeping Beth out of the hospital. She would have gone with them hell or high water; having her stay wasn't true to her character, therefore that story element needed to be tweaked. Yeah, it would have been an awful long picnic.

Character count was actually cut down from the original version...It's two families, Beth's family and Theo's family. May not have been as much of a problem had the character voicing been a bit better.

I like hot girls in Daisy Dukes.

Yes, went a bit overboard on the descriptions, concur on that point as well. Less is more, less is more....

The active, passive thing: Yes, He walks v.s. He is walking. Will work on that.

Theophilius is one of those Bible names that I'd imagine he got handed from his minister father (not that I have anything against religious people; I don't except when they abuse their position in any manner)...Ties in with his last name Daley (mayor of Chicago and would be translated as God Loving Daily).

Yes. She does pick up the football twice. One more of those things I might have spotted had I not rushed it through; or maybe not, which is why it is so helpful to have other eyes check it out.

It is a common theme, but really wanted to play up the hypocricy element. (A person runs for office based on the concept of family values, yet their daughter is knocked up and unmarried-again, that doesn't bother me, but I'm not pretending to be holier than thou, either...)

Wish I had spent more time, and, had I read more scripts from some of the other fine writers here, would have avoided some of the pitfalls that I got caught up in...Thanks!

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Character count was actually cut down from the original version...It's two families, Beth's family and Theo's family. May not have been as much of a problem had the character voicing been a bit better.

Elaborating a bit on your response, maybe it's because my politics align rather closely with yours, but I got all of what you were going for with Theo and didn't think he was over the top (sign of the times). I enjoyed his sermon and his distorted view of reality. The other characters weren't nearly as interesting, and since very little of the story involves him (shows him, obviously he plays a big part in it but we don't see him through any of it) it suffers and I think you have a great opportunity to make them more interesting just playing off of Theo. Why would these people be associating with Theo if they didn't buy into the 'religious right' as well? My initial review seemed a little harsh so hopefully this was more helpful.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe I like hot girls in Daisy Dukes.

Who doesn't?

I am just now reviewing a number of the ones I haven't had a chance to read yet...so I want you to know I have not checked to see any of the reviews already posted or who the writer is.

I liked the description of the park and the squirrel patrol :)  

I had a few issues with all the names...so many characters flying at you and in a short like this I think it might be better to keep that down a little.  It was cumbersome to the script and to comprehension.

Theo's character was built as an SOB...that became evident with all the negativity the man projected, so you did a great job accomplishing that.

It's the other characters I began to have a problem with.  Most christian folk...mad or not do not use the term "god damn".  It just seemed to be unnatural for me.  If Beth was once an abused wife by Theo...I don't think you would find her out there supporting him for anything. Way too unrealistic!   Too much of this became unbelievable and maybe it became a bit too cliche.

I also think, in front of people, Theo wouldn't let his true side show...I think he cared very much what people thought, yet he kicked his x-wife and said mean things for all to hear...if he had any followers...he wouldn't or shouldn't have them aftert that.

I think in the re-write, you should really analyze the true aspect of the story...that which you want to tell.  In some ways, at first, I thought this was going for a poligmist group. :)  

Found out it was about a hateful, perverted, mentally, spiritually troubled, wife beating, bible thumping (although I don't think he got any of his message from there), power hungry (I think this was more his problem) preacher.

I appreciate your effort...overall I think it wanted and needed more room to accomplish what you had in your head...more than these pages could allow and that made it fall short of the mark...sorry - it did not work for me in the end.

Morgan  

Thanks, Morgan...In retrospect, I would have liked the secret to have been that Beth, Sarah, Ashley and Troy all voted for Obama, but didn't think of that until yesterday...Such are the pits and perils of an OWC...

I agree about the Beth being beaten part, although women still tend to stay with thier men sometimes after that kind of treatment (Let him go, Rhianna! He's no good for ya, girl!)...It's a valid point, though, cause she became a stronger character in this version of the story...She wouldn't put up with this kind crap.

My main intention was a commentary on the hypocracy of the religious right (IMHO), and don't think I pulled that off very well...went in too many different directions and tangents that were not very effective...

Thanks for reading, though, and I appreciate your thoughts and comments!

T. Joe

You are welcome dude :)  for sure!