Scenario by Joey Fidler - Short - A young man contemplates asking a girl out. - fdr, format 8)

Scenario by Joey Fidler - Short - A young man contemplates asking a girl out. - pdf, format 8)

Not bad. It was cute to see the guys fumbling their way around talking to a girl. The dialogue was good, very conversational, until about page 5 where the exchange between David and Mike started getting both away from the story and sounding forced. Other than that, it moved along well.

I wouldn’t put “David walks ‘into the breakroom.’” We know from the slug the scene is in the breakroom.

I wouldn’t say “David is shocked” either. I think it’s okay to just make a wryly out of that.

Then later with Mike’s line, “….?”, I wouldn’t do that. It looks like you left out a line. Instead, if you absolutely must have Mike’s reaction in there, I would create a wryly for Mike between Carrie’s lines. For example:

               CARRIE
     Why are you asking me this?
          (off Mike’s shrug)
     Why hasn’t David talked to me about this?

There are several ways to do it but I definitely wouldn’t do it the way you did. Same thing on page 4 when David shrugs between Mike’s lines.

The ending. It’s okay. Passable as an ending. It’s not a knockout ending but it isn’t particularly weak either. It’s respectable enough.

The writing is pretty good. A lot of promise technically, with dialogue, and creating relatable scenarios. For what it is, good work. And it’s cute. :)


Breanne

Aside from your choice of uploading in FD, which my post was taken down originally... I liked "some" of your dialogue and felt it was pretty relaxed. It did start to fall apart, as Bre had said, towards the end.  The notion of it all being in his mind was a novel idea, but had I written this piece... I'd have done so a tad differently.

By this I mean, you use "WE" a lot in your action headers and that is a big no. I also would've been more clever about how you worded the many takes/forms Carrie was going to say no to David.

Some flaws here and there. It's a very short script and you can't look too much further into it than what was said by Bre above and now myself. Worth a look for anyone looking for a quick, slightly amusing read.

Thank you anyone who took the time to read and comment on this and A Killer Smile.

Where as A Killer Smile was an experiment in telling a story with no dialogue, this one was written a few years ago as an experiment in no budget filmmaking and structure.

I apologize for publishing in fdr but Final Draft 5 is all I have and pdf isn't an option. I need to upgrade.

Dude, you have to have the option.  Go to file, scroll down 6 spaces. It has the option to save as PDF. It's right after the "save as" option.

It goes:

New
Open
Close
------
Save
Save as...
Save as PDF...
back up
revert
------

I didn't mind this. The dialogue wasn't too bad at all. As Baltis said, it did fall apart a bit. I would say it almost just started to go around in circles. What was more interesting for me was the moving about in time. I was never sure if something was actually happening, or if it was just in the character's head, which I liked.

As for the ending, I don't really understand why it was necessary that the David/Mike conversation didn't really happen. As Breanne said, it wasn't a BAD ending, but IMO, I think something else could have gone there, rather than just the good ol' "well, it didn't really happen", because in this instance, that ending doesn't seem to have any relevance.

I think the funniest part was the different reactions from Carrie, and I'm sure that you could have been more outlandish in that respect, considering it was all in his head anyway. But apart from all that, it is definitely a promising script. Good job ;)

Quoted from Baltis. Dude, you have to have the option.  Go to file, scroll down 6 spaces. It has the option to save as PDF. It's right after the "save as" option. It goes: New Open Close ------ Save Save as... Save as PDF... back up revert ------

Baltis, Final Draft 5 cannot save as PDF unfortunately. It's only version 6 and later. BUT version 5 should be able to save as RTF, which is probably your best bet for accessibility

Just download and install a PDF writer (like CutePDF - it's free), then you can print any file you want as a PDF file.