Making the Grade by Frank Bath (hangfire) - Short - Life is filled with all kinds of test, from driving test to SATs and drug tests. Some activities in our society do not require a test, but maybe they should. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this for me Don.

I'm just starting to get into writing scripts and would appreciate any and all feedback. Thanks for taking a look.

Hello Frank,

The stories alright but not to exciting.  It's a quirky idea but I feel you could have possibly talked about failed attempts in the past to make the ending a little more interesting.

Anyway, the idea is probably new to most people.  But if you every listened to James Whale here in the uk on radio.  He said this idea about once a month for years, until he got fired.

There's a few mistakes in there, grammar issues etc...  But I'll let the others point them out.

Overall, not bad.  Despite the odd mistake it's fairly a quick read.  I'd be happier if you broke up the large chunks of dialogue too.  Just needs a little spice to add to the tension in the room.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for taking the time to read my script jayrex, I appreciate the feedback.

By failed attempts you mean by the couple being tested? That possibly this wasn't their first time at bat? Interesting.

Quoted from Hangfire ... By failed attempts you mean by the couple being tested? That possibly this wasn't their first time at bat? Interesting.

That'd be the one.

This angle is from a perspective of a couple going for their first visit.  If you make it the third visit.  And possibly asking to see another doctor, maybe at reception.  Maybe add a few success stories from the neighbours who gently nag at them everytime they talk.

A few ideas.

Sort of an interesting take on population control and bureaucracy in the future.  The actual testing part wasn't very compelling, though.  And it was way too short.  All it was was Davis going over a couple of bland, basic questions.  I would have liked it if you came up with more direct, unusual questions and scenarios for the couple to answer.  Davis should really grill them and push them to the edge.  If they want kids, they have to really earn the right.

When the couple first enters the office, you need to capitalize both of their names.

You had spelling errors throughout.  Also, you need to break up some of the larger paragraphs to make the reading flow easier.  

Good attempt, but you need to develop the idea further.

Cam

Hi Frank. This started out promising, and though it was sort of predictable, i thought you could've made it a lot funnier, even just a straight out comedy. Its set up for that scenario - Davis eating a sandwich while talking hints at a very casual atmosphere, and this could've been exploited. Maybe some jokes in there, about fertility, sex, etc. If you make it longer and do it a comedy i reckon it would better. Hope this helps. Cheers  Stevie

Cam - thanks for reading it. I have to admit that I shied away from getting to into the questions that would be asked regarding becoming parents. I'll have to expand that section for sure. You're also not the first one to suggest breaking up the larger sections of dialogue. I'll work on that also. As for spelling mistakes - I love someone to point them out. On a second reading I found two that I had missed, but sometimes it's very hard to proof read your own material.

Stevie - I hadn't thought of going in a comedic direction with this idea. That's interesting. I'll think on that for sure. Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Hangfire ... As for spelling mistakes - I love someone to point them out. On a second reading I found two that I had missed, but sometimes it's very hard to proof read your own material....

Frank,

It might be a good idea to leave your script for a good couple of weeks before you look back to proofread it.  It'll feel like a fresh angle when you move onto a new project then look back.