Chart Throb Episode 1: Let’s Meet the Judges by Jon Barton (johnnyboy) - Series - Adapted from the novel by Ben Elton. As preparations for the upcoming series of hit TV talent show 'Chart Throb' continue, each of the judges face their own problems. Meanwhile, a much-maligned public figure is offered an opportunity to turn things around. 30 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey JohnnyBoy, I liked your script for Chart Throb.

Introduction of some very unique characters, especially Beryl. The scenes flowed very well. The premise for the season was set up well.

Beryl was introduced talking OS at the end of another scene. I didn’t know who he was until I read the next scene. What he says is very funny but I was momentarily confused.

I expected bigger blocks of dialogue since this was adapted from a book and yes, there it was: bigger blocks of dialogue. Beryl’s lines are more succinct then the other characters. The long dialogues are funny at times, so I am not sure they should be trimmed. Just look at them again.

I haven’t read the book you adapted and I don’t intend to. I’ll just read your next episode of Chart Throb!

Gary

Jonny,

First off, this is a very well-written script. A couple of typos were spotted but nothing significant. It definitely feels like you had fun writing this, and it shows. Nice work.

The material you are working from - I have no knowledge of, so this may or may not be a faithful adaptation.

Clearly the story is a nod towards 'X Factor', and even acknowledges this within the script - Calvin also bears a strong resemblance to Simon Cowell, and I think this type of script could settle well with those who are part of the contemporary 'Opportunity Knocks' phenomenon.

You've introduced your characters well, but Beryl seemed a bit weak - the dialogue with the pigs was laboured, and I really couldn't wait to finish that scene 'cos I found it a little boring. Calvin and Dakota's divorce was dealt with very well, and I think you introduced Rodney very well.

Charles came off a little too gay for me, and the notion of him appearing on 'Chart Throb' was a little absurd, but then I think it's in-keeping with this whole fascination with reality shows. Also, the dialogue with Charles felt a little too long as well, and while it is no doubt in order to build the character, it left me a little cold.

Those are only small negatives really, and I think you could tidy up these issues. Calvin's world has been established and we have a clear sense of purpose for him - the same goes for Rodney. However, as I say, Beryl appears a little undeveloped, and the sex change element appeared to be relied on a little too heavily.

Very well-written script, then, but would like to see another draft.

Nice work, mate.

Andrew

Hey Jon. I haven't read the book for years, but I will try and remember it.

This was really good. The dialogue is flawless. The characters are captured perfectly, well done.

Here are my notes:

- 'a member of the American Deep South aristocracy' is that a term for describing her looks? If not, it shouldn't be in there.

- I like how Susan is introducing Calvin and Dakota, but don't give away too much, too soon.

- Chuck a small action line between the big blocks of dialogue, it will break it up and be easier to read.

- "SUPER: Calvin Simms’ home, London" you don't really need that, because we see them driving to the house, and then we see Calvin carrying Dakota into the house. And then Calvin says "Home sweet home". We know it's theirs.
EDIT: I understand now, that you are doing it for all the judges, so therefore it does work. But think about taking them out together, for all the judges.

- I don't think you should have Beryl saying the pig line OS. Wait till we see her I think.

- 'showing what the scene was supposed to look like' not needed. We know what he is doing by his dialogue.

- 'But Arnold has raised a touchy subject. Beryl rounds on him.' again, I don't think it's need. You could just say that Beryl ignores the crew member.

- 'Calvin is struggling to understand quite what’s going on.' again, I don't really like that action line. I think lots of your action lines could be shortened and changed. Example for this one, "Calvin looks bemused" means the same thing, and is to the point. With me? I'm not having a go, just saying. I'm not gonna make any more examples, but just be conscious when you are writing your action lines to not say stuff that can't be seen on screen, and also make them as to the point as possible.

- Consider changing the ending so it's more of a cliffhanger. It's not bad at the moment, but it could be better.

Overall really good job man, I will await the second episode.

Hey guys, thanks for the reads.

I wanted to have a crack at adapting this because I think it is a good candidate for a TV miniseries. I'm finding it an enjoyable exercise, actually. It's a good novel, and I really think it could work in an episodic format.

This, of course, if ever I were to submit it to something like the BBC, would be the episode I'd have to submit, so this one has to be particularly good. Thanks for the compliments and praise, but I also very much appreciate the concerns and points you've raised - I'll take a look at the issues you've flagged up. I'll look again at my action lines, the length of the chunks of dialogue, and the pace of the Beryl and HRH scenes (I want to shave a couple of pages off the script, actually, so I'll keep an eye out for sutiable places to make cuts). There is another Beryl scene I was going to include in this episode, but decided to hold it back till Episode 2 because I think it fits better there.

I'm making pretty good progress with Episode 2: Mingers, Blingers and Clingers. What I'm going to do is not upload anymore until I've done the whole lot - which, if things pan out the way I think they will, will total somewhere between 6 and 10 episodes. I only have a finite amount of material to include, so I don't see the point in doing it a bit at a time. I've written the final scenes of the final episode - it ends with a 'what happened next' montage, just like the book - and have that saved, so now I just need to link the two sections together. The book dips a bit in the middle, so I'm having to think of ways to avoid the same happening to my adaptation. Still, I really think I can finish it!

Watch this space; there will be more Chart Throb in the future. As well as my debut feature, hopefully! Once uni exams have finished I can focus completely on writing.

Thanks again for the reads!

Good luck with your exams, Jonny - I can't deny I am slightly envious at no longer being at Uni!

Look forward to the rest of the series.

You clearly have an abundance of talent, so you can afford to concentrate on those exams now! ;)

Andrew