Seven Deadly Sins: Lust - The Portrait by Michel J. Duthin - Series - A man living in complete lust can have everything he wants. But true love comes to him in a strange way. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

interesting imagery, all lusty. i knew this guy was imagining before the punch line. he wanted something he could not have. the narration was irritating; telling me what i could see and figure out anyway.

is it compelling that this guy is so horney he gets his fill of real women and then, obviously so empty of life and purpose, ditches the real and resorts to jerking off in public? not for me.

but you know, in the context of the seven deadly sins, and taking hold of you , getting its hooks in you, like lust sank its claws in this guy, ate him from the inside out, it works very well. the doc getting a woody over the same image says she's a looker and that her image has the ability to lure men by when tempted by lust.

Michel, congrats. You suceeded in weirding me out, I am not sure the V.O. (I heard Antonio Banderas in my head) was the way to go in this one but it was effective at the end when Brad starts to betray his hold on reality. Good short descriptive/action lines. Your English is getting better but there are still several oddly worded phrases or incorrectly spelt words.

Thanks for heading up this effort to give us the Seven Deadly Sins.

Gary

Michel that is a fantastic piece of work.  The voice over was the only way to go, in my opinion.  His disembodied detachment from the whole situation is just what this called for.  Visually and mentally engaging, perfectly paced, and the flashbacks showing the reality of what he was imagining is a very creative way to reveal information.  The twist at the end leave a wonderful dangling element for the viewer to continue the story on their own.  I finished this in perhaps four minutes.  Well done!

A quick read. Good character development. I kinda saw part of the ending coming but you still surprised me. I'm interested in the other episodes.

Gabe  

Reading this one as I go along here... I was interested in the concept of an Anthology-like collaboration, as I've done one myself. I even wanted to participate in this one, so naturally I'd like to see how the 7 stories all unfold.

A few things that stood out to me that I'd initially correct are the following.

1st thing's 1st - Hand comes into Frame. Cut it. How about this --> An Orange Notebook lay atop an old desk. A hand opens it to the first page. Scribed in trembling black letters, the first line is spoken in narration.

2nd -- A night bar crowded by where music plays loud. -- None of this sounds right to me.  How about: A typical night in an over crowded bar. Music plays at a deafening level.

There are others, but these two particularly.  The others would be all of it was in a VO. No spoken dialogue or interaction with the other characters at all.  I know it wasn't leant in that respect, but it made reading it and not seeing it much more of a chore... That is the problem with an artistic approach in film today. It's something you have to just do I suppose.

I'd also like to know what everyone's fixation on Masturbation is all of a sudden... Why? Why does every script have to be loaded down with jerkin' off "ha"  Anyways, it's a good attempt. You have a lot going for yourself here.

I'm looking forward to the other entries in this.

Great work, Mich! A type of story I'd like to have written myself; squizoid, masturbations, sex azian woman, black woman, antiques, Masseratti car, all things I love to talk about. ha-ha!

The final was a  special piece. You did it very well in my point of view.


nice job mon ami!
cheers
Helio

Nice work Michel, good way to start things off with the series.

If you had more room, say 30 pages or so, I'd have preferred you to lose the V.O. as I think you could have made the ending more of a surprise. With 15 or so pages though i think you needed that just to save space really. It was well written and gave a good description to his character and how he lived his life.

Like I say, I kinda saw the ending coming, but it was still a good payoff and the way you did it was good with all the flashbacks of what was really going on, in kind of a 'Fight Club' way.

I enjoyed it. Strange, but entertaining.

Ste

Hey Michel, I've been waiting for this series to start, as I think it’s a very good idea.  I started it last night, but didn't get through it (girl friend pulled me away), but got back to it first thing this morning.

Hmmm, lots to say here.

Michel, I know that English is not your first language, so I’m not going to mention any of the issues related to this…but there are many, and it definitely dose make for a tougher read, for me.

I wasn't crazy about the V.O. running throughout the entire piece. I'd say that was a bit of overkill, because it makes everything seem so far away.  I felt so removed from the action and story.  And to make things worse, the whole thing is told by Brad, but then his narrative disappears, and you have actual dialogue for the first time in the last scene!  I don’t understand why you chose to do this.  I mean, it just doesn’t make sense…the entire story is being told by Brad, but then it ends with him in a mental hospital, and 2 doctors discussing what went down, and then, this Dr. Reigl, seems to have similar issues with the photo, and we’re left to assume that it’s an ongoing deal.

The fact that Brad is taken away, so to speak, doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either.  Why would he be locked up?  Because of public indecency?  He’s frickin’ loaded, why couldn’t he get himself out of the loony bin?

OK, I’ll move on.  Your script did manage to have an interesting feel to it.  Even though I felt very removed from everything, I could still see what was taking place.  It had a very dark, dirty feel to it.  I think it was a bit over the top in terms of the masturbation stuff, and the sex with every imaginable partner (blonde, redhead, Asian, South American guy…).  Just a little too much, IMO, but in a way I guess this made the script what it is.  Sure seems like a seedy area and life style, though.

There is a good deal of passive verbiage, which took away from the action, again for me.  This could easily rectified.  It seems like maybe you ran out of time?  Not sure, but a rewrite could sure fix things up alot.

So, bottom line, I think there are issues here that you probably could have taken care of with some more thought.  I think some dialogue would have helped this quite a bit, but if you really like the V.O route, you need to lose the dialogue with the 2 docs in the last scene and end with a V.O. from Brad.  I’d also recommend toning down all the masturbation stuff.  It’s just something that no one really wants to read…or see!

Michel, don’t take what I’m saying as all negative, because there is definitely a lot of good in here.  It’s got a great visual nastiness to it.  It’s a unique take on the theme of lust.  Brad is an engaging character, but pretty despicable.  You came up with a good story and it flowed pretty well throughout.

Good job!

First of all, thanks to all of you. I can see different opinions (good and bad), and I'm quite surprised because I have to admit this is the weakiest episod of the series. It was there to fill the gap of a missing one.

Quoted from Baltis. 1st thing's 1st - Hand comes into Frame. Cut it. How about this --> An Orange Notebook lay atop an old desk. A hand opens it to the first page. Scribed in trembling black letters, the first line is spoken in narration.

I agree with you. I can't imagine I missed that one.

Quoted from Dreamscale I wasn't crazy about the V.O. running throughout the entire piece. I'd say that was a bit of overkill, because it makes everything seem so far away.  I felt so removed from the action and story.  And to make things worse, the whole thing is told by Brad, but then his narrative disappears, and you have actual dialogue for the first time in the last scene!  I don’t understand why you chose to do this.

This is very simple and thought it was obvious like Baltis outlined it. The V.O. is Brad's diary.


Anyway, don't loose your interest because the others to follow are far better.

Michel 8)

Michel,

Very strange story but I found it really entertaining.  There was a real strange tinge to this tale and it was very well written.

I thought the V.O's worked well throughout, as if Brad talking to himself rather than a listener.  I didn't get the gay scene though, this didn't seem to fit with the whole womaniser theme than throughout the story...did I miss something here?

The ending was as strange as the story itself, in a good way.

I really enjoyed this and will definately check out the rest of the series.

Michel, no, I didn’t get that.  Just read the beginning over again.  I guess I see what you’re after now.  Interesting…I was actually quite confused by the opening…

“INSERT

A casual notebook with an orange cover.
A hand enters the frame and opens it to the first page.
It’s filled with a trembling black ink handwriting.
The first line matches to the V.O.”

The “INSERT” kind of threw me off here.  When I read “INSERT”, I think of actual text being shown, and because you started with the orange covered notebook, I didn’t get it.  Maybe it’s just me, but I think this needs clarification and a rewrite to make it less confusing.

Now that you clarified it, everything makes a lot more sense, and the V.O. is much more understandable.  I also see why you ended things the way you did.  It works much better as a whole now.

Am I the only one who didn’t get this?  Maybe I didn’t drink enough last night?????

Quoted from Dreamscale Maybe I didn’t drink enough last night?????

Maybe did I when I wrote it?

Michel 8)

Quoted from alffy I didn't get the gay scene though, this didn't seem to fit with the whole womaniser theme than throughout the story...did I miss something here?

I've tried to show lust in its every way. Brad finds his pleasure with everyone. Even with men.

Michel 8)

Quoted from Helio Great work, Mich! A type of story I'd like to have written myself; squizoid, masturbations, sex azian woman, black woman, antiques, Masseratti car, all things I love to talk about. ha-ha! The final was a  special piece. You did it very well in my point of view. nice job mon ami! cheers Helio

Oh, my dear Lone Hand friend
I knew you'd love that one. In, this case, do not miss, LedBetter's Sin "Pride Fall" and its nice illustration.

Your pigflu friend forever

Michel 8)

Michel,
Once again a first class showing. You're work continues to prove why you are a most revered writer on this site. The pace was quick and and I loved the masterbating undertone. Hell in america, it's practiaclly a national passtime. A great start to the series and a hard act to follow.

Shawn.....><

Hi Michel. I took this on it's own merits while reading and thought it came over quite powerful. It was like you took a sample of a few different cliched subjects and gave it a life of it's own. How can I explain better...that French aspect you put in your English gives a more authentic touch. Does that sense?
Ok , the outcome was going to be predictable but the style of writing made it more realistic. I like the way you write sex scenes - there's a naturalness about them, they aren't forced.
Anyway, this was good and I liked it. Cheers.

Stevie, thanks for the review. I honestly didn't expect that kind of compliment. I did think that my next sin was more far better. I'll see...

Quoted from stevie How can I explain better...that French aspect you put in your English gives a more authentic touch. Does that sense?

Tell me more, please. I don't get it ;)

Michel 8)

Quoted from Ledbetter Your work continues to prove why you are a most revered writer on this site.

Believe me, I'm not and far from being. I just try to improve my style and my writing. And give people entertainment and (sometimes) pleasure.

Thanks anyway for the compliment.

Michel 8)

Hi Michel. What I was trying to say was your writing has the obvious European feel to it. This makes the script more realsitic. A Western writer would make it seem different.
I left out the word 'make', sorry, when I asked if it made sense. Now I'm confused!

You write in a mixture of French and english style that uplifts the subject matter. Cheers

Quoted from stevie You write in a mixture of French and english style that uplifts the subject matter.

Thank you you but sometimes that mixture makes me write in an akward way. Anyway, that's what we could call someone's special style  ;D

Michel 8)

Hey Michel, great work with the short. It flowed well, and I thought the V.O. went well with the rest of the story.

I guessed the ending a bit before it came, and there were a few awkward lines, but nothing too bad.

You have captured lust well. Good stuff.

Tommy, thank you for the reading.

Quoted from Tommyp I guessed the ending a bit before it came, and there were a few awkward lines, but nothing too bad.

Like a lot of you, you guessed it. But it wasn't really the twist. I know poeple nowadays are used to those kind of stories. I even hesitated to withdraw the flashbacks scenes as Brad's madness was obvious. But the real twist is the doctor's reaction in front of the portrait.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments. It stimulates me to keep on writing.

Michel 8)

Michel

I enjoyed this. It read very quickly, your prose is tight and to the point, yet telling us everything we need to know.

Given the title and subject matter one would expect an erotically charged piece...you certainly didn't disappoint in the department.

BRAD (V.O.)
I am sorry for those who never
know the honeymoon of the
collector with the antique he's
just purchased.

-- That was a stand out line for me, very eloquent.

Opting for complete voiceover (except for the the two doctors at the end) is fine and was evidently the way you wanted to tell the story...but for 15 pages?  I thought when he was buying the cabinet in the shop that you might have switched to normal dialogue, just for a change if anything.

Voiceover can come across a little expository at times, when the actions within the scene itself should tell us everything or at least fill in the gaps for us. I think you just about avoided it here, the voiceover was well suited to the piece, your approach was apt.

Conceptually I really liked this, great story which you plotted well, charting the gradual destruction of the main character. Even though he was a womaniser, had all the money, fast cars, etc. I didn't have any major dislike for Brad, thus I felt for him and his helplessness in fighting the all consuming passion slowly eating away at him  .

Nice work overall. It has the potential to be a very visually striking film. Rich asthetics, varying contrasts mirroring Brad ailing state of mind, a lot could be done here...in particular the ornate cabinet you describe.

We all know its the directors job but I think you specified some wonderfully jarring camera angles too, which definitely enhanced the read for me. Rules, schmules, huh ;)

Cheers

Col.

hi Col,

thank you for that complete reviewe with a very interesting point of view. But allow me to defend myself on certain points.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 BRAD (V.O.) I am sorry for those who never know the honeymoon of the collector with the antique he's just purchased. -- That was a stand out line for me, very eloquent.

Remember, the lines come from a diary. A diary written by someone with a high class and culture. I remember when I was writing mine, I was, inconsciouly, overwriting to be sure to express my right feelings.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I thought when he was buying the cabinet in the shop that you might have switched to normal dialogue, just for a change if anything.

During the scene, Brad fantasise about the owner when she is old, years later. With a common dialogue between them, it would have been corny.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 We all know its the directors job but I think you specified some wonderfully jarring camera angles too, which definitely enhanced the read for me. Rules, schmules, huh ;)

It's going to be the way I will try to write. I did the same thing in the other episod "Four Leather Balls" and in my future shorts. Well, I hope, it'll work as good as that one.

Thanks again

Michel

Michel

"Remember, the lines come from a diary. A diary written by someone with a high class and culture. I remember when I was writing mine, I was, inconsciouly, overwriting to be sure to express my right feelings."

-- I think you got the wrong idea. I loved that line, I meant "stand out" in a good way, it was powerful wording.

In hindsight, you're absolutely right about the cabinet buying scene staying as voiceover, consider that suggestion retracted.

Regards

Col.

Sorry Col. I did get it wrong. Mea Culpa...

Michel 8)

Hello Michel,

I really enjoyed the opening of this piece. That contemplative tone, it was extremely solid.

Then, the V.O. seemed to go on and on and it seemed like a long continuous flashback, even though a very skillful one I might add.

The question is: might this be more compelling if we see this man in the present moment as he is being lured specifically by the portrait?

One thing that is very dated in this is the stereotypical 1950s sounding Mental Hospital with men in white coats. It's not real at all.

First off, Mental Hospitals these days are better than most of your mid class hotels. Unless you're talking serious restrictions on privileges due to someone being a serious offender.

To me, it sounds like this guy is guilty of no crime except for being indecent in public; therefore, after they did their work up on him, they'd send him to counseling and - if he was without proper means, they'd get him into a group home.

He said in the V.O. that he was rich. How? Why? Was he a professional of some sort? If so, there's even more reason not to just shut him up. And what about family? Doesn't he have any? That's the way it feels.

The writing quality is very strong in this; what is a problem for me is the believability.

I think that the V.O. is what does this one in. I'd rather see him talking to someone live then hearing it all past tense.

I should mention that I went back three times to try and figure out why that South American guy was lying naked in bed next to him. I know that sounds really dense on my part. I guess I was thinking, "Is he gay?" But then I thought, "No, he's not." Did I read that right?" "Did I miss something?" "Why?"

So I guess that just wasn't making sense to me. And again, if you made it play out in present tense. We could see him actually wanting to go out with a man. That's a mighty big leap. Well, it sure is if you're straight as a board and infatuated with a portrait.  ;D

The biggest problem I have with this though as a story is the false perception it creates for people with mental disorders. I volunteer at the hospital and sometimes I deal with people outside that require assistance. These people may suffer strange kinds of paranoia etc... but they aren't all locked up in little rooms with little windows. They are the kinds of people you see in your local grocery store. Some, are very productive individuals, brilliant bi-polar individuals are an example. They might be masters at art or music...

Anyways, that's one of the main problems (for me) with this. The character is being painted as "nuts". However, having said all that, this one would work extremely well if you built this kind of scenario from a dated perspective, show how someone with a mental problem used to be treated and then transition in time.

A very excellent effort! The writing is top notch!

Sandra

Hi Sandra,

first of all, thank you for that excellent review.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I really enjoyed the opening of this piece. That contemplative tone, it was extremely solid. (…)A very excellent effort! The writing is top notch!

That’s a warm compliment to my heart regarding my constant effort to write in English.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. One thing that is very dated in this is the stereotypical 1950s sounding Mental Hospital with men in white coats. It's not real at all. (…) To me, it sounds like this guy is guilty of no crime except for being indecent in public; therefore, after they did their work up on him, they'd send him to counseling and - if he was without proper means, they'd get him into a group home. .

Like for many of my scripts, I try to make the action « timeless » . What I mean I do my best to make it no dated. There’s nothing I hate the most than films that are a product of  their times (i.e. I love Terminator, but it’s highly dated today). It’s the same for the themes I choose. I try to make them universal. Portrait can be set in any country and any time (the modern references being only the car or the music).

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. He said in the V.O. that he was rich. How? Why? Was he a professional of some sort? If so, there's even more reason not to just shut him up. And what about family? Doesn't he have any? That's the way it feels.

There again, I encounter the same misunderstanding problem than in other of my scripts. I consider Shorts as mini films. That means, I take them as slices of life, almost « caricatures » of films. You can’t stop and start to explain How? Why? I tried to establish a pace. A short is like chisel laces.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think that the V.O. is what does this one in. I'd rather see him talking to someone live then hearing it all past tense.

Like I said before, the V.O. are part of Brad’s diary.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I should mention that I went back three times to try and figure out why that South American guy was lying naked in bed next to him. I know that sounds really dense on my part. I guess I was thinking, "Is he gay?" But then I thought, "No, he's not." Did I read that right?" "Did I miss something?" "Why?"

In the first draft, there wasn’t the « bi » part. I wanted to go as far as I could in the Lust thing.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. To me, it sounds like this guy is guilty of no crime except for being indecent in public; therefore, after they did their work up on him, they'd send him to counseling and - if he was without proper means, they'd get him into a group home.

Like in any diary, people say what they want. In a diary, you can lie, deny things, change them, or omit them. Who could say if Brad is telling the truth?

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. The biggest problem I have with this though as a story is the false perception it creates for people with mental disorders. I volunteer at the hospital and sometimes I deal with people outside that require assistance. These people may suffer strange kinds of paranoia etc... but they aren't all locked up in little rooms with little windows. They are the kinds of people you see in your local grocery store. Some, are very productive individuals, brilliant bi-polar individuals are an example. They might be masters at art or music...

I never wanted being crude with people with mental disorders. I even never crossed my mind. I respect them. I did work with them too. Once again, take this short as a caricature of real life. I think your problem is you think too much  ;D

Hope I did reply to your questions.

Thanks again.

Michel 8)

Hey Michel, I'm going to try to read all of the Seven Deadly Sins, in the order they were posted, one after another - so I'll start here. I've tried to avoid reading anyone else's comments, although I did glance at Sandra's (as you'll see), so apologies if I just repeat what's been said before.

I really liked this. Considering that you're writing in a second language, this is extremely well-written. EXTREMELY well-written. The piece has a kind of detached, disinterested quality to it that is totally in-keeping with the general mood, so great work there. Obviously you have the occasional mis-spelling or slightly odd phrase, but unlike 'Riverside Afternoon', where the incorrect English was a bit of a problem, here it was no problem at all. So yeah, great work there.

I really liked the story, too. I wasn't exactly sure what the parameters of this series were - was the only requirement that the story include a character committing the central sin? If so, you definitely had that. I'm taking the position that there actually IS something evil about the photo, that 'Mona' is some sort of evil spirit and that Brad isn't actually crazy, just the victim of a truly lustful ghost. I'm basing that on the owner turning into an old, crazy woman, and that the photo seems to begin to get its claws into the doctors at the end. Of course, I'm probably wrong. The V.O. actually did work well - you didn't over-use it, although if you could I'd suggest reining it in even more, let the images do more work.

I have to agree with Sandra, and maybe other people (I don't know) that locking Brad up in a secure cell just for being caught masterbating in public seems a little harsh. Either set this in the past, so that his harsh treatment is more believable, or have him do something much more dramatic so that he's locked up because he poses a threat to himself and others. Perhaps one of the cops tries to grab the photo, and Brad attacks him in a frenzy? That would work better, IMO.

One final point: I was worried when I heard about this series that it'd be too close to Se7en So it was a really nice surprise to find that yes, you've emulated a David Fincher/Brad Pitt film, but not the one I was expecting!

Just quickly, some specific notes and your language mistakes, so that you can cut them out of any re-write. Just to make the point upfront that I'm NOT going to comment on any of the voice-overs or dialogue, just the other writing:

PAGE 1:
- your description of the notebook as 'casual' is a little odd. What did you mean here?
- no 'a' in "It's filled with trembling black ink handwriting".
- I'd suggest moving the line "I was rich" to the next scene, when we see the Maserati. It'd make much more sense there.
- "dark glasses on the nose": probably either "dark glasses on HER nose" or "dark glasses resting on her nose"

PAGE 2:
- while it's very romantic to think of the Maserati as feminine, since you've already called it an "it" in the same line I think you need "It leaves a cloud of dust in ITS tracks"
- "scotches": very interesting, this. I assumed you meant 'scratches', but when I looked 'scotches' up I realised that it sort of worked, too. It apparently means 'to cut the surface' or 'wound without killing'. I'd never heard of that word before! However, even if you intended to use it, you need to say "Her nails SCOTCH". And I'd probably suggest just going with the more straight-forward "scratch".
- just a quick point, why is Brad now half-dressed and handcuffed now that they've FINISHED having sex? Has he put his pants back on? How, if he's handcuffed? Just a bit confused there.

PAGE 3:
- The first sentence is a little awkward. Perhaps "Loud music plays in a crowded bar". We already have NIGHT in the slugline.
- The repetition of "two girls, a BLONDE and an ASIAN GIRL" is a little awkward. Perhaps "talking to two girls, one BLONDE, the other ASIAN"?

PAGE 4:
- "...he has only eyes for the cabinet" should be "he ONLY HAS eyes for the cabinet"
- "Brad signs a check to the owner who is back as the beautiful woman who she actually is": probably the most uncomfortable bit of the whole piece. I get what you're trying to say, but at the moment it doesn't read at all well. Try this:

"Brad tears his eyes away, looks up at the owner...

...who is a young, beautiful woman once more. Brad nods, pulls out his checkbook."

Just a suggestion.

PAGE 5:
- "passes his hand OVER one of the back panels"
- "Looking closer, Brad realises that the panel is thicker than the rest"; not quite sure how you'd show this onscreen. How about having him tap it with his knuckles, and it sounding different to the others?
- "Brad DELICATELY DRIVES"
- "Brad pulls it OUT"
- the repetition of "moved...doesn't move" isn't great. Perhaps change the first word?
- "photograph IN a WOODEN OVAL frame"

PAGE 6:
- "her blonde and lock hair"...not quite sure what this means. Her blonde locks? Why not just her blonde hair?
- "her face THROUGH THE glass", probably
- "he RAISES the frame to his face"

PAGE 7:
- "he FRENZIEDLY OPENS"
- "lets the velvet FALL TO the floor"
- "Brad SWIFTLY PICKS UP"
- "sighs DEEPLY"

PAGE 8:
- "mind-absented"; this made me laugh, I actually prefer it to the real phrase, which is unfortunately "ABSENT-MINDED". However, this isn't doesn't really fit the context, since absent-minded is a general description of someone who forgets small details like where they've left things. Perhaps "his mind elsewhere?"
- "a LINE of coke" is probably better
- "PROVOKING": it'd switch this for "PROVOCATIVELY"

PAGE 9:
- it's not clear who's crying here, Brad or the man he's sleeping with
- "he steps firmly" doesn't make much sense, although I know what you mean. "Determined, he approaches..." might be better
- "FRENZIEDLY PULLS OUT"
- again no 'a' in "trembling black ink handwriting"
- "the frame is ON the bedSIDE table"; no 'put'

PAGE 10:
- "he opens his eyes wide in a jump"...maybe "He awakes with a jolt, eyes wide. He scans the bedroom"?
- "He turns back" might be better as "he rolls over"
- "his HESITANT hand"
- "lighthearted" isn't exactly right here. Maybe "contented"?
- "HAS A modern hairdo"

PAGE 11:
- "carnal assaults"; this is the second time you've used this phrase. Maybe think of something else?
- "GENTLY BRUSHES"

That seems like a lot, but they're generally minor mistakes. Just thought I'd point them out so you can get rid of them, and leave the great writing to do its thing. Good work, Michel! Now I'll carry on reading the rest of the series. It's Gluttony next, I think...

Hi JonnyBoy.

What a review. Maybe the longer I ever had. But don't get it wrong. I liked it.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I really liked this. Considering that you're writing in a second language, this is extremely well-written. EXTREMELY well-written. The piece has a kind of detached, disinterested quality to it that is totally in-keeping with the general mood, so great work there.

Thank you JonnyBoy. I learnt a lot through the threads and try to follow everyone’s advices.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I'm taking the position that there actually IS something evil about the photo, that 'Mona' is some sort of evil spirit and that Brad isn't actually crazy, just the victim of a truly lustful ghost. I'm basing that on the owner turning into an old, crazy woman, and that the photo seems to begin to get its claws into the doctors at the end. Of course, I'm probably wrong.

Sorry, you’re wrong. I wouldn’t say ‘’evil ‘’, but rather ‘’magical’’. Or ‘’unsettling’’.
The owner turns into an older woman for two reasons : first, because at the same moment, Brad talks about his fear of death and being old. Second, to give a first clue about his sick mind. However, you’re right about the doctor.  
BTW, he calls the woman Mona, of course because of Mona Lisa and her secret smile…

Quoted from JonnyBoy Just quickly, some specific notes and your language mistakes, so that you can cut them out of any re-write.

It’ll be useful for my rewrite and my future scripts. Thanks.

Quoted from JonnyBoy just a quick point, why is Brad now half-dressed and handcuffed now that they've FINISHED having sex? Has he put his pants back on? How, if he's handcuffed? Just a bit confused there.

Brad is handcuffed, following sexual games. He has his pants on because I wanted to avoid X-rated. Now, I think I could have placed him naked covered by the sheet.

Quoted from JonnyBoy - it's not clear who's crying here, Brad or the man he's sleeping with

I struggled with that line. That’s the other man who cries. Certainly because Brad was finally unable to make love to him. It happens at a moment where Brad starts to be obsessed by the Portrait. He wants to try different sexual games, but finally fails.

Quoted from JonnyBoy "carnal assaults"; this is the second time you've used this phrase. Maybe think of something else?

Ah, "carnal assaults"!  I love those two words. They resume so much. I used it a second time to show that Brad had found his sexual vigor again.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Now I'll carry on reading the rest of the series.

Good luck. You’ll see. The others are excellent…