Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony - The Tale of Donkey and Trash by Gary Kohatsu (abe from la) - Series - Two overweight movie stars learn that the only way out of this Fat Farm is to play ball with the sadistic director, known as the Sarge. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Nice twist. I noticed you used the names 'Kirtie' and 'Britney' so I guess Alley is Kirstie and Chelsea= Britney. mean guy.
btw, these girls were kinda masculine(with all the cussing and headlocking). You may want to rethink that. Most girls exhibit more cattiness than fistfighting. We like our manicures, Thanks!
I don't usually read long shorts, but not bad!

Gary!!!!

I always love reading your stuff. Your writing is really great and you always have really really great dialogue.

I really enjoyed reading this one.

The story itself was good, but the writing made perhaps the story seem better than it was. I don't know how to explain this. Technically it's all good. All the elements are there. Ally and Chelsea struggle with their own problems and with each other and with Sarge, so there is a lot of conflict for sure. Maybe it was the ending that didn't quite work... It was a little bit like "it was all a dream" kind of thing.

Don't take that to harshly however. I really liked it. It was a quick and great read.  Good to see your writing again!

Pia  :-)

Gary,
I am new here and if you see what i have produced so far, my word really does not mean squat. But I wanted to chime in on you're script. First off, I liked it. I felt as sorry for the dog. He seemed to be the only one with any manners.  As a newby, i read somewhere that a script should shy away from endorsements such as TABASCO, NIKE, MTV etc.

As to the technical stuff, again, I'm new but I wanted to point out what I thought could use something.

It seemed like they simply stumbled upon the boot camp instead of having any idea as to their destination.

Should it be "what is this place" instead of "where is this place"

A small item. Being past military, Dinner would be 1800 hours and breakfast would be 0600 hours.

One more thing: You got to run through fifteen yards of hot, slippery-ass shit.
What does that mean?

looks down at the red fluid that cover his body.
What does that mean?

I loved the over all read, although I do agree with Jammingirl when she said it seemed like they were a bit to butch.

You do good work.
Shawn.....><

Hey Gary,

Thought I would give this a read and see what you did with the subject.  

Overall, I thought it was a fun read.  I thought you captured Ally and the Sarge quite well.  I did think Chelsea could do with a bit more feminizing though.  

Besides that (and one other thing) I don't have much to criticize.  Both the writing and your dialogue was quite good.  I like the little twist when they "find out" what happened to Mellisa Montgomery.  

The other thing  is perhaps the biggest issue I had with the script.  It was a sort of realism problem based on the premise.  Surprise! It's a reality show.  

I know this is the movies, but in real life they would know they were doing a reality show.  Things like Punk'd don't last for days, and something like these two were going through would have too many liability worries to ever actually happen.  Most certainly someone would have been on the scene when they captured Sarge.

I wish there were an easy way I could suggest to both have them know it's a reality show and have all the events unfold they way they do - but I can't think of one at the moment.  So it will have to work as it is and I will have to try harder to suspend my belief - luckily you don't spring that surprise on us until the very end.

Cheers,

Michael  

Hey Gary, what up?  I always laugh when I see your name, cause I think of you as Abe.  Oh well…moving on.

Sorry, but this one didn’t work for me too well.  The story, characters, and the complete lack of reality are what doomed this, IMO.

There are a number of typos and mistakes of that kind.  I didn’t jot them down as I read, but I’m sure you can find them quite easily.

Many have commented on the great dialogue, but it didn’t do it for me.  Sure, it’s witty and slick dialogue, but none of it rings true to me.  All the dialogue comes off almost like a comedy.

And maybe that’s the biggest issue I had with it.  It’s just not my genre.  It definitely is written like a comedy, but deals with very serious subject matter, in many ways like horror, even.

All the characters were complete A-Holes.  I don’t see how anyone could like a single one of them.  The setup was completely unbelievable, all the way down to Sarge running the place on his own.  And the ending?  Well, again, doesn’t make a bit of sense, in terms of reality.

But maybe that’s my problem, looking for reality in a script that doesn’t make any effort to offer reality.  I have a feeling those that really enjoyed this, enjoyed it for your crisp writing, your hip descriptions, your witty dialogue and one liners, and maybe even the twisted humor.  None of that stuff impresses me, I’m sorry to say, so overall, this just didn’t succeed in my eyes.

Gary, you’re obviously a very talented writer, so don’t worry about my personal opinions on this script.  I was just looking for something a little more realistic and gritty.  Probably a lot of my feelings are based on the mood I was in when I read this and what I was hoping for.  Know what I mean?

A well written piece, nonetheless.

Hey Gary, I think this is the first script of yours I've read. I liked it, good characters and a good, simple but humorous story. Eddie Murphy may be in touch as his fat suit hasn't had an airing for a while and I think he'd be perfect for both parts haha.

There isn't really a lot to critique about this as it's a pretty simple structure and you pretty much nail the key beats. I would maybe have liked something that made the script stand out a bit more. Not sure what that would be, but it just felt as though you could have done more with this. Kind of like you played it safe.

The ending worked for me, I kinda figured it out when the sarge was trying to explain but it completes the story pretty well.

Good stuff.

Quoted from Dreamscale There are a number of typos and mistakes of that kind.  I didn’t jot them down as I read, but I’m sure you can find them quite easily.

To stand up for Gary, He had no much time to make it and I think he did not so bad.

Michel 8)

Michel, I agree.  I think Gary did a great job, interms of the writing.  I think most will really like this.  It just isn't my cup of tea.

BTW, what was the timeframe that writers had to deal with in this series?

PS  How come they're being posted so oddly?  It seems like they were already posted days ago.  I'm confused.  I thought each night a new one was going up?

I think with comedy it comes down to personal taste. It seems a few people didn't get it but honestly I thought this was hilarious. Very well written and the dialogue was sharp and witty. Good story and good characters. I think the women were exaggerated for effect so I didn't have a problem with them being too masculine as a couple of people said, I thought it worked to make it funnier.

One query though... is mother fucker one word or two?  :-/

I think it depends who's saying it.

I like it when it's spelt mutha fooker myself

Quoted from Dreamscale How come they're being posted so oddly?  It seems like they were already posted days ago.  I'm confused.  I thought each night a new one was going up?

I know. But Don might do what he can. Anyway, one per day is a good idea to allow to read each one of them.

Michel 8)

Quoted from JamminGirl I noticed you used the names 'Kirtie' and 'Britney' so I guess Alley is Kirstie and Chelsea= Britney. mean guy.

Hey Jammin Girl,
Thanks for the read.  Yes, I blew it on the name switch.  I thought I made the changes, but obviously not. I wasn't all the subtle on the specific role models, especially after I've named them.  But i did ramp down Allie's age by about 20 years.

Quoted from JamminGirl btw, these girls were kinda masculine(with all the cussing and headlocking). You may want to rethink that. Most girls exhibit more cattiness than fistfighting. We like our manicures, thanks.!

I hear ya.  I didn't give the femininity aspect much thought. I just went with what I thought, but your point is very valid.  Maybe one of them can be on kind of brutish, but not both.  Haha.  it's probably all of that GLOW I was forced to watch some years back.

Quoted from Pia Maybe it was the ending that didn't quite work... It was a little bit like "it was all a dream" kind of thing.

Hiya Pia. Yes the ending was not necessarily a bad idea, but execution left something to be desired. It's rushed and sloppy.  I blame it on all that dang Tabasco sauce.  ;D

Quoted from Pia Don't take that to harshly however.

All I can say is, Stop Making Me Cry! I have feelings, you know.  Now some people say that is far from the truth.  Ha.  I'm a grilling-kind of guy.  So grill me and burn me.

Quoted from Pia Good to see your writing again!

Thank you.  I've written three short pieces in the past three months, but unfortunately all the pages added up to less than 40.  I now have a 2 1/2 month window to write, so I intend to make the most of it.  I just can't get 'Wolf' out of my thoughts.  Shall we...?

Quoted from Ledbetter I am new here and if you see what i have produced so far, my word really does not mean squat.

Not true. People who respond with critiques are worth more than those who don't, regardless of experience.  You love movies, right?  Well you have experience as a film goer and that experience can be applied to how a story comes across.  All of the technical jargon, the screenwriting style stuff will come in time.  I appreciate your reaction to scenes, story.  From what I can see and read, you come to SS with energy and the right attitude.

Quoted from Ledbetter As a newby, i read somewhere that a script should shy away from endorsements such as TABASCO, NIKE, MTV etc.

The way I look at it is that you can write any product or song into your script, but if you go further along in the process, you might have to remove them. Product placement I think is different from say, using a copyrighted song.
I don't see this piece as anything more than a paper movie, designed to be read and no more.

Quoted from Ledbetter Should it be "what is this place" instead of "where is this place"

That makes sense.

Quoted from mcornetto The other thing  is perhaps the biggest issue I had with the script.  It was a sort of realism problem based on the premise.

You make a valid point that fingers a flaw in the story. Despite being a movie, this story would work best if rooted in reality. If I had one more hour to work on the thing, I might have concocted a more realistic setting.  8)  Honestly, I think it's a good perspective to take in looking at the "reality" of even a reality piece.  If only I had let your read this script before it hit the boards.  If doing it all over, I would take a slightly difference path.  Thanks, Michael.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sorry, but this one didn’t work for me too well.  The story, characters, and the complete lack of reality are what doomed this, IMO.

Yeah, the lack of reality overall was a land mine. I know you're not a comedy guy and neither am I.  Why I chose this course is...beyond me.  In retrospect, based on your comment and MCornetto's, I think I could have turned this into a darker piece. Such as have the women think they were doing a reality show and then having things unravel as the Sarge became more unhinged.  Then I would have a cheap, low-bud horror film.  :B  That would be my speed.

Quoted from Dreamscale There are a number of typos and mistakes of that kind.

What can I say but where are they?   No, I confess to being sloppy.  I was so consumed by the overweight characters that I didn't check my work.

Quoted from Dreamscale Many have commented on the great dialogue, but it didn’t do it for me.  Sure, it’s witty and slick dialogue, but none of it rings true to me.  All the dialogue comes off almost like a comedy.

I hear ya.  The dialogue was purely surface scratch, dumb-ass banter.  I think only on a couple of instances, and I mean very brief moments, when the dialogue carried some subtext.  The less-than-wonderful dialgoue is a product of the characters, who I'm ashamed to say are pretty hollow. I'm not suited for comedy and developing characters in a comic setting.  I went for laughs and didn't do much to flesh out the characters.  Lesson learned: I'll leave the comedy writing to Mike Shelton and others.

Quoted from Dreamscale It definitely is written like a comedy, but deals with very serious subject matter, in many ways like horror, even.

It would have to be very dark comedy and I think it could work as horror.  But it is such an unbelievable situation, that I think it reads like the two dumbest celebrities on earth go to slaughter camp.  Of course, there are some pretty stupid horror movies that skate a similar path.  Yeah, I'd definitely go horror on this if I were to start over.  Thanks for your input, Jeff.

Quoted from stebrown Eddie Murphy may be in touch as his fat suit hasn't had an airing for a while and I think he'd be perfect for both parts haha.

Yeah and Eddie could also be Sarge.  Thanks for the read, stebrown.  I'll return the favor.

Quoted from Trojan I think the women were exaggerated for effect so I didn't have a problem with them being too masculine as a couple of people said, I thought it worked to make it funnier.

Yeah, the women were written for effect.  But honestly, I didn't give the feminine angle any thought.  If I had, I might have gone a bit gentler.  As is, the two celebs just come out firing from both hips.  Thanks for your comments, Trojan.

Quoted from michel To stand up for Gary, He had no much time to make it and I think he did not so bad. Michel 8)

Thanks much, Michel.  I was indeed sitting down when I wrote this story.  Next time I will stand up so you won't have to trouble yourself.  But I do appreciate the support. 8)  ;)

Okay, this hits F.U. B1ch on the crudometer, but it accomplished itself very fatly I'd say.

It was all a dream has now become: It was all a reality show. Very nicely done with that.

I think this is a good example of a tale that remains true to itself. Even if that truth is outlandish.

It's mostly clean copy (except for content of course  ;D). I noticed that when you had the girls in their dual dialogue, you must have changed the names at one point and here they were off.

No suggestions for improvements really on this one. It's uniquely disgusting.  ;D

Sandra

Quoted from Abe from LA Yeah, the women were written for effect.  But honestly, I didn't give the feminine angle any thought.  If I had, I might have gone a bit gentler.  As is, the two celebs just come out firing from both hips.  Thanks for your comments, Trojan.

Just wanted to comment on the butchy aspect of the girls. IMHO, I wouldn't change that aspect AT ALL. That's one of the things that make these girls so delightful (or should I say not so delightful) to watch/listen to.

You know, they really remind me of the old Roller Derby dames from the 1970s, before there was such a thing as Wrestlemania. And you know, I HAVE seen those types before. So yours might be fiction, but there's some truth nuggets in there as well.

Sandra

This was a strange script. It had its funny moments but I don't know. The tone of the script feels very tongue-in-cheek so I can't fault you for your obviously intentionally stereotypical characters. I'm not sure if them being extreme spinoffs of stereotypes makes them all that fun to read though. Most of the exchanges are pretty straightforward. There's no going outside the lines. I would've liked to have seen a little more of the characters on their own time, both Sarge and the girls. They seem to be present only for the gags.

I did like the dialogue a lot. Even when you went into cliches, you were able to slingshot out of that mode and come up with something fresh. I also liked how Sarge puts the girls to such brutal treatment and yet he never comes off as brutal. Kill, neither. And I liked the tabasco schtick.

I guess overall, the writing was good but again, not too much outside the lines. It feels a little too simplistic at this point and I'm just not sure that's enough.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think this is a good example of a tale that remains true to itself. Even if that truth is outlandish.

Thanks for the read, Sandra.  Yeah, it's out there. I could have done a better job harnessing some of the outlandishness so it is a trite more believable.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. You know, they really remind me of the old Roller Derby dames from the 1970s, before there was such a thing as Wrestlemania. And you know, I HAVE seen those types before. So yours might be fiction, but there's some truth nuggets in there as well.

Haha, yeah, the Roller Derby days.  I wasn't a fan but I do remember catching some of the action now and again.  Dames, huh?  I like hard-hitting dames as characters.  Sure, they're punchy and not much to drool over, but they do bounce around with arrogance and steam. Still makes me chuckle.  Thanks, Sandra, for the stroll back to the '70s, and beyond.

Quoted from James McClung I would've liked to have seen a little more of the characters on their own time, both Sarge and the girls. They seem to be present only for the gags.

If I had given a thorough read-through, I might have found nooks and crannies to develop the characters.  A good way of doing this would have been to see the girls in their "alone time. The Sarge too, for that matter.

Quoted from James McClung It feels a little too simplistic at this point and I'm just not sure that's enough.

On the other hand, maybe we've seen too much of these gluttons.  Way, way too much.  But if I take anything from your comments, I think that it's a depth or lack of depth issue.  The simplicity you speak of is because the characters fall into the category of "stereotypes."  And we all know that stereotypes tend to be 2-D.  They were predictable in a way that seems familiar.  That's not good.  They need to be fleshed (should I be using that word?) out.
Thanks for your input, James.

Hi Gary. I thought this was ok. There were some great lines - you mentioned comedy isn'i your thing, so you did well there. I have to agree with Jeff about the typos - they really interrupted the flow of the read. But i understand the deadline you guys were on, so it's sweet. A little tinkering and a more definite direction for this and it would be a very good short. Cheers

Quoted from Abe from LA On the other hand, maybe we've seen too much of these gluttons.  Way, way too much.  But if I take anything from your comments, I think that it's a depth or lack of depth issue.  The simplicity you speak of is because the characters fall into the category of "stereotypes."  And we all know that stereotypes tend to be 2-D.  They were predictable in a way that seems familiar.  That's not good.  They need to be fleshed (should I be using that word?) out. Thanks for your input, James.

Yuse makin' me laugh.  ;D Keep it coming.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Okay, this hits F.U. B1ch on the crudometer, but it accomplished itself very fatly I'd say. Sandra

Freudian slip?  Did you mean flatly?  :)

Ahhh. . .The old 'tricking-the-instructor-into-slipping-on-the-Tabasco-sauce-to-get-the-dog-to-eat-him' trick.  I never grow tired of THAT one!  :)

This script was funny, but didn't grab me, per see.  I've always hated 'reality TV', where people are checked into boot camps for this or that or whatever, so that is where I may have been lost.  

Good script though.  Well written and, at points, TOO visual!  :)

Quoted from steven8 Freudian slip?  Did you mean flatly?  :)

I thought she meant phatly.

Not bad. not bad at all.

Because of the post by Jammingirl I visualised your two fatties as Kirstie Ally and Brittney Spears (who I would never consider fat just a little on the chubby side)

I liked the detail that in every scene the sarge of a fat farm is scoffing down fat food while ordering fat people to lose weight.  We need a trainer like sarge on the Biggest Loser.

Totally disagree with your women being masculine in way they fight. Rubbish. I thought their tit for tat was very lady like and besides I know quite a few women who fight just as savage as a man. My sister throws a mean punch and broke one of her ex-boyfriends arms while having a play wrestle with him in the backyard. And my sisterN'law  who was drunk out of her brain, shoved her fist in her brothers face and broke his teeth. But I dunno I come from a low income working class background so i guess they breed the women pretty tough.

But the highlight of this script was the dialouge. It was just so weird and funny at the same time. A very clever play on words. Do people actually speak like that?
    

Gary,

This one was funny! You had some good zingers in here. Comedy is a matter of taste and yours is tabasco. Maybe not what some expected from 7 Deadly Sins script. I actually held off reading this for a few days because the premise didn't hold much promise. I am glad I took the time.

Gary

BTW, one question: Why bold the script? It was like reading with a bright light on.

Quoted from mcornetto I thought she meant phatly.

No, I definitely meant "fatly", but phatly works too.  ;D

Not flat though. Nupe. No way.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. No, I definitely meant "fatly", but phatly works too.  ;D Not flat though. Nupe. No way. Sandra

Well put, Sandra!    8)

So I'm giddily going along until I get to dinner at O-six hundred. Not a huge deal, but to someone who knows what that means, it's a read-stopper.

missing the word "with?" a few erros to be found.

HOWEVER...don't mistake my nits as deal breakers because this is hilarious, man, really hilarious. The way the duo is set up to do battle and become comrades-in-arms is great. The dialogue is funny and propels the story along very well.

Lots of good set up and pay off with dialogue (snooze you lose) and action and props (hot sauce).

I've found that the endings of these shorts are a huge key to success and youre ending worked for me.

My favorite of the bunch.

Quoted from stevie I have to agree with Jeff about the typos - they really interrupted the flow of the read. But i understand the deadline you guys were on, so it's sweet.

I'm generally a stickler for typos, but I failed to do a final look through everything before jettisoning the script to Don.

Quoted from stevie A little tinkering and a more definite direction for this and it would be a very good short. Cheers

Thanks for the read, Steve. I'm now catching up with all my Sin reads. This was definitely fun to write because it was sloppy, but I didn't intend for me to be so sloppy in piecing it together. It might be a sin for me to tinker any more than I already have. Haha.

Quoted from tonkatough Because of the post by Jammingirl I visualised your two fatties as Kirstie Ally and Brittney Spears (who I would never consider fat just a little on the chubby side)

Aha, I initially had Kirstie and an inflated Brittney as my role models.  Then I thought better of it, changed the names (sort of) and created two slightly-different balloon gals.

Quoted from tonkatough Totally disagree with your women being masculine in way they fight. Rubbish. I thought their tit for tat was very lady like and besides I know quite a few women who fight just as savage as a man. My sister throws a mean punch and broke one of her ex-boyfriends arms while having a play wrestle with him in the backyard. And my sisterN'law  who was drunk out of her brain, shoved her fist in her brothers face and broke his teeth. But I dunno I come from a low income working class background so i guess they breed the women pretty tough.

Oh yeah, I know of some women who can fat-out kick the fluid-drive from their guys. I guess that's why their guys have left them. Women in combat can be okay, as long as the choreography doesn't look fake. And I have no qualms about seeing two women fighting who look like Charlize Theron and Teri Hatcher in "2 Days In the Valley."  Charlize played Helga and Teri was Becky Foxx.  Love those character names.

Quoted from grademan This one was funny! You had some good zingers in here. Comedy is a matter of taste and yours is tabasco. Maybe not what some expected from 7 Deadly Sins script. I actually held off reading this for a few days because the premise didn't hold much promise. I am glad I took the time.

Thanks Gary/Grademan. Comedy is indeed a matter of taste and I guess my taste runs toward Sloppy Joes, Nachos with all the fixins and various Okie snacks. I don't know, but I just couldn't think of anything else to write. My mind was like an overflowing outhouse. Stuff just kept coming out and hitting the page and I was like, 'whoa, this isn't me..."

Quoted from grademan BTW, one question: Why bold the script? It was like reading with a bright light on.

Uh, it is?  I will have to check that out.  It was not bold at any point during the writing and I never bothered to check the pdf.  I apologize for the constipation of thought.  I'll have to see that doesn't happen again.

Quoted from cloroxmartini So I'm giddily going along until I get to dinner at O-six hundred. Not a huge deal, but to someone who knows what that means, it's a read-stopper.

Another reviewer harpooned me for a military thing, because I was off. Honestly, I gave no thought to military protocal or anything else.  I just picked a time.

Quoted from cloroxmartini The way the duo is set up to do battle and become comrades-in-arms is great. The dialogue is funny and propels the story along very well... I've found that the endings of these shorts are a huge key to success and you're ending worked for me.

Well, thank you, cloroxmartini. Under a time constraint, I went with a more dialogue-driven story.  I don't think I would have gone that route if I have more time. I tried to wrap it up and make some sense. I probably should have made the Tabasco sauce scene more visual, such as Sarge slopping around in the hot sauce and then looking back to see Allie waving one of his empty Tabasco sauce bottles, but... I didn't.

Hey Gary, you're the next stop on my mission to read all Seven Deadly Sins. I haven't read anyone else's comments, so apologies in advance for any repetition.

This was an enjoyable read. It was bizarre, but in a positive way. It was definitely very well-written, and the dialogue was good. However, I was never quite sure what genre you were pitching for - is this a comedy? A horror? A bit of both? At the moment I think you've 'fallen between two stools' (as the Sarge might say) slightly.

Chelsea and Abby were suitably grotesque, and the sudden switch of names for a brief moment made it pretty clear where your inspiration came from! There was certainly gluttony here, so that was good. I liked Kill, thought he was a nice idea.

I have to say I didn't like the ending. To me, "it was all a TV show" is the modern-day update of "it was all a dream". Kind of feels a bit like a cheat, you know?

Overall, good job! I'm off to read Greed now.

Hello, Abe.  Nice to see you back in the mix again with something new.

What I have always enjoyed most about your style is the unapologetic asides you supply for the reader -- but at the same time -- with an almost staccato rhythm that keeps the reading brisk.  You have a truly unique style of presentation, and it is a good one.

As for this particular story, I enjoyed how it stubbornly refuses to adhere to a particular genre.  Not quite comedy, not quite horror -- not quite anything really.  You have created your own characters within your own world, and reality is not really the point here.  Without disrespecting the opinions of others, I would submit that the "real world" criticisms you have received should carry little weight.

Most of the dialogue has a nice snap to it, with a relatively low quotient of cringe-inducing silliness, and I think it would actually play better on the screen than it does on the page.

What is really my only complaint -- or at least, what I might have handled differently -- is the "death clause" Sarge mentions.   I do not think I would have created these characters in this situation in order to have them team up.  I think there is a much deeper comedic well to mine with these women plotting the demise of one another.

But while I might have taken the ending in a different direction, I was not disappointed by the direction you chose, either.  While I can see where some might be disappointed, I found it tidy and logical.

I enjoyed this script, primarily for the characters, your descriptive work, and the wonky mentality that pervades the piece.  A pleasure to find you back on the boards with some fresh work.

And while this could stand another round of proofing, the lone typo I will correct for you is "booby traps", not "boobie traps".  The Boobie Trap is a bar in Orlando haha.

Thank you for the read, Jonny.

Quoted from JonnyBoy This was an enjoyable read. It was bizarre, but in a positive way.

Thanks. Yes, it came off more bizarre than intended.  I just went with the flow and by the end, could not go back to make any changes. It was a deadline thing and I just made it under the wire.

Quoted from JonnyBoy However, I was never quite sure what genre you were pitching for - is this a comedy? A horror? A bit of both? At the moment I think you've 'fallen between two stools' (as the Sarge might say) slightly.

You've exposed me. My bent is horror, but with this piece I started out to write comedy.  In the end I guess it ended up a black comedy or a campy horror piece.  Probably more the former.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Chelsea and Abby were suitably grotesque, and the sudden switch of names for a brief moment made it pretty clear where your inspiration came from! There was certainly gluttony here, so that was good. I liked Kill, thought he was a nice idea.

Uh, yeah, the name switch was not intended.  My bad.  I thought I did a find and replace, but somehow in that instance, the former names slipped through the cracks.  Or the stools.  In some ways, the dog was underutilized.
The inspiration behind the end kill scene with Sarge and his dog was inspired by the 1972 horror film anthology, "Tales From the Crypt." If you saw it, you will remember the "Blind Alleys" episode and the final wicked scene with the razor blades.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I have to say I didn't like the ending. To me, "it was all a TV show" is the modern-day update of "it was all a dream". Kind of feels a bit like a cheat, you know?

I hear ya.  It was an easy way out and I can see how it can be looked at as the modern-day equivalent of the Dream ending.  Yeah, I do hate dream endings.
Again, thanks for your insights and your encouragement.

Quoted from bert Abe.  Nice to see you back in the mix again with something new.

Good to hear for you, Bert.  Yes I'm writing a bit and reading a bit, too.  I think you and I might be in the same boat, with work severely compromising our writing time.

Quoted from bert What I have always enjoyed most about your style is the unapologetic asides you supply for the reader -- but at the same time -- with an almost staccato rhythm that keeps the reading brisk.  You have a truly unique style of presentation, and it is a good one.

Thank you, Bert.  I don't know whether this familiarity is also a bit of  curse.  I think it suits some things I've written, but wonder if I switch genres it will be a bit of a curse.

Quoted from bert Without disrespecting the opinions of others, I would submit that the "real world" criticisms you have received should carry little weight.

Appreciate the support.  I try to take it all in and figure out what works and what should be discarded.  I know you do the same.  It's all about seeing things from different perspectives.  Rarely do I take anything as a personal attack. Ha.

Quoted from bert Most of the dialogue has a nice snap to it, with a relatively low quotient of cringe-inducing silliness, and I think it would actually play better on the screen than it does on the page.

I hadn't given this any thought.  I know if I were doing it over, I would add more subtext.  What I really wanted was to get a little more into their backgrounds and have them arrive at a point where they understand each other.  That all the Hollywood stuff was BS and that they shared common fears, hopes and goals.  All this before working together.
It just didn't come off.

Quoted from bert What is really my only complaint -- or at least, what I might have handled differently -- is the "death clause" Sarge mentions.   I do not think I would have created these characters in this situation in order to have them team up.  I think there is a much deeper comedic well to mine with these women plotting the demise of one another.

I agree now in retrospect that the Sarge could have done more to pit one woman against the other.  In fact, a reality TV show would naturally love that angle.  The more tension and conflict, the more interesting the story line.

Quoted from bert I enjoyed this script, primarily for the characters, your descriptive work, and the wonky mentality that pervades the piece.  A pleasure to find you back on the boards with some fresh work.

Thanks again, Bert.  "Salvage" is still my favorite short horror piece, with a couple of other Newcomer shorts not far behind. Hope to see more of your work on the boards, as time permits.

Quoted from bert And while this could stand another round of proofing, the lone typo I will correct for you is "booby traps", not "boobie traps".  The Boobie Trap is a bar in Orlando haha.

Yes, it could have used even one round of proofing -- LOL. Boobie, huh? I've got that now inscribed on my next trap. And it will be set in an Orlando bar, for sure.

guess its personal taste but I thought this was pretty damn funny.  right from the beginning it set itself up as a bit surreal, so i didnt have a problem with the wackiness.  particular bits that stood out, The center for the 'obese at heart' was funny, the fatties parody of sarges shoe speech was great.  also I liked how the girl's kind of gave up on their own dreams even while they were actually coming true.  
I'm pretty sure any critisisms I had were covered by others, so I'll leave it all positive, nice job.

Gary (Abe)

This had its moments. Your desriptive writing is very crisp and to the point which makes for an easy, quick read. The dialogue was funny in places but I wasn't finding myself laughing too much.

I thought the two girls were going to get the ultimate comeuppance at the end (in a food related way I mean) but the more a saw the Sarge (great name) stuffing his face in front of them I knew things would turn on him. After all Ally and Chelsea aren't exactly the most likeable people either, very well drawn characters though, great job with them.

I loved Sarge's stereotype speech, I'm glad you were aware of that in his character.

Great twist at the end too, never saw it coming.

Decent job with, deliciously disgusting. As I said above I particularly enjoyed your terse, no frills writing style.

Col.

Thank you for the read, jackx.

Quoted from jackx guess its personal taste but I thought this was pretty damn funny.  right from the beginning it set itself up as a bit surreal, so i didnt have a problem with the wackiness.

Yeah, it's a wacky world. I didn't plan to go balls-out goofy, but as I was writing the script, things just drifted that way.

Quoted from jackx I liked how the girl's kind of gave up on their own dreams even while they were actually coming true.

I thought a certain bonding was necessary.  Whether or not the women like each other, they would at least work together against a common antagonist.
Thanks for your comments and I'm glad that most of it worked for you.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The dialogue was funny in places but I wasn't finding myself laughing too much.

Okay.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I loved Sarge's stereotype speech, I'm glad you were aware of that in his character.

Although a cliche, I did have fun writing the Sarge's character.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Great twist at the end too, never saw it coming.

Haha. Well, at least somebody liked the ending.  I tried to mix the food aspect with the "need to be in the spotlight" element that a lot of stars crave.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 As I said above I particularly enjoyed your terse, no frills writing style.

Thank you very kindly, sir. I'm influenced by such writers as Mamet, Black and Bigelow.
Appreciate the read and comments, colkurtz8.