Goodbye, I Love You by Hugh Kelly - Drama - Several teenagers at a fancy prep school on Manhattan's Upper East Side, face challenges, heartache, and joy during their senior year of high school. 131 pages - doc, format 8)

Hi, Hugh. You're script looks blocky. The detail/general information paragraphs are too long. You should try to cut them down to five lines or six lines tops. Making sure you have a lot of white space is key because it creates breathing room on the page. If you have to cut condense or cut things out, so be it.

I'll have more when I'm finished reading.

I agree with Coleman. Your logline sounds promising, and I'd like to continue reading it, but there's just way too much description. Check out the Screenwriting Palette here on SS, or read some books on proper formatting. You could probably trim 10-15 pages just by cleaning these up.

I understand you see the characters and story a certain way and you want to reflect that in your story. I've been there. My first full screenplay had 210 pages in an early version -- 100 of which were easily cut. But from a reader's perspective it's time consuming, unneccesary, and takes away from your story.

Personally, I do hope you re-tool it and re-submit. I'm definitely interested in giving it another go.

The story does seem promising. I do agree with has already been said by the others and wanted to offer and example of how you could condense it a bit using one of your first lines.

INT. UPPER EAST SIDE APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM-DAY
Sydney Baines, a 17-year-old senior who attends The Billiards Preparatory School for Arts and Sciences, is standing in the middle of living room of a magnificent penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side. Behind her is a huge glass window overlooking the Manhattan skyline. Sydney is tall, maybe even six feet, and she is very beautiful. She is biracial, black father white mother. She has very long black cascading curls for hair which run all the way down her back. She is talking on the phone with Claire.


This can easily be condensed by combining elements that are in several places and bringing them together.



Sydney Baines (17) Tall, with a mixed complexion and flowing curley hair, stands alone in a manhatten penthouse. The beautiful skyline shines behind her through an oversized window. The phone rings. It's clair. They talk of her recent acceptance into The Billiards Preparatory School for Arts and Sciences.

Two and half lines cut, but you are pretty much saying the same thing.

Hope this helps.
Shawn.....><