Last To See by Garrett Detrixhe (gdtree16) - Short, Thriller - A young gravedigger is given the chance to change his life, but he must do the one thing that he never dreamed of doing. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay. If no one wants to sacrifice oneself, here I go. I have to do the dirty job. Sorry... Believe me, I don't want to be harsh, but just trying to help you to improve your style like people did to me.

Garrett, your story is not bad, even interesting, but, a lot of issues, mainly about format and camera direction. And passive verbiage. And typos...

Apparently, it's your first script. No need of camera direction: it's the director job.

Don't change the name of the characters. (i.e. you start with GRAVEDIGGER and then, PAUL as your first line is My name is Paul.... The same thing with the MAN and BOB)

******** WARNING SPOILERS *********





The story is lame too. Paul sounds someone nice to me, maybe too much naive to get killed on the end. If you want to kill him, make him a b@st@rd who keeps stealing dead people. In this case, get rid of the mysterious Bob. (you don't need him even if he appears to be the Devil came to tempt Paul. In this case, it should be present at end by Paul's body) That Bob, we don't him, or his motives.

If you want to keep him, you have to be more precise about him. Let's suppose he says to Paul he's Carlotta's husband and he wants his share of money, p***ed off because his wife gets buried along with her jewelry and he'll never have a penny. He has to show to Paul (and to us) a picture of that Carlotta. Otherwise we cannot know who she is when we see her (for instance, he might show him a dead notice with her picture with her jewels. Well, I don't know...)

Then, apparently, Paul is killed in his creepy apartment. and then we're back in the cemetery. Weird, isn't it?

All in all, it's not that bad. It needs improvement and a lot of work.

Sorry again for the bad news. But the good news are you've got a good story. Dig it, if I might say...

Michel 8)

Garrett,

There are a few issues that you need to fix straight away. Unless you are directing this piece, the camera angles/instructions are redundant. As the writer, your job is to create the bare bones, and for the others to flesh it out and realise it.

A new character should be introduced in caps, so it should be MAN.

Thirdly, you cannot just say, "This scares Paul", you need to show through action that Paul is scared - perhaps he staggers back, mouth agape, for example.

There is also confusion between whether it's Paul or Gravedigger - you run with Paul in the end, but should just drop the use of 'Gravedigger' if that's the case. What you did by naming Bob, 'Man', originally is correct, but that isn't relevant with Paul.

Your large chunks of text for the dialogue need to be trimmed, also.

Just saying these things 'cos we all make the same mistakes.

Decent story, but it doesn't work as well when the above issues require fixing.

Hope this helps.

Andrew

Hello Garrett,

Interesting story which I can't quite dig.

This story has that out-from-nowhere feel to it.  We read it and suddenly Loretta has something going on.  Just don't understand why and how?  If Paul has been digging graves for so long, why is this the first case?

You should try to cut up your dialogue into manageable chunks and write more action to describe the scene.  Also, try introducing your characters and describe what's going on.

I think what would spice this story up would to make the jewellery cursed as it was stolen from the Jews.  Loretta has since retrieved her lost possessions.  There's a body that does that for victims of war crimes.  Now the jewellery has been stolen once more, it's not Paul who gets it, it's Bob.  How's that sound?

All the best,


Javier

Hey Garrett

I wont comment on the format, it's been covered by others.

Man/Bob says he's looking for Paul Smokeler and Paul replies, how'd you know my name...he didn't.  He never addressed Paul and was just asking if he knew him.  He should say something like 'I'm looking for you Paul Smokeler.  Just my thought anyway.

I know I said I wouldn't but....you might want to include a SUPER that reads 'TWO DAYS LATER' rather than including it in the slug.  Although we already know when the funeral was so it could be left out.

The (Paul or the audience don't notice...) needs removing.  I don't get this, how do we, the audience, not notice Loretta?  If she on screen you can't designate who see's her.  Should this just be, Paul doesn't notice her?

There was a lot of dialogue in this script, maybe try and trim some out.

As for the story, it was good until the end which was a bit of a let down.  It feels like you rushed it a bit.  I wanted to see what Loretta was going to do and how Paul was going to react but instead you cut to the final scene.  What happens to Bob and why does he want the jewellery, I thought he was Loretta's ex husband or something?

A decent story but it needs work.

Garrett

Not a bad pitch, funny that it resembles the recent "Deader" script so much, also about a gravedigger.

This one needs a lot of work however, the plot does not work at all for me. The plan presented to Paul is plain stupid and far too trust worthy on his part -- He leaves the jewellery in a tree without any assurance the "stranger" will keep up his side of the bargain.


Also I have a rather low tolerance for these all knowing, all seeing, omnipresent "strangers" who just appear out of thin air in so many scripts offering the protagonist a "way out" or promises or wealth, riches etc. Its like a dark twist on the genie concept that has been bastardized beyond usage thus becoming a hackneyed cliche.

Also the supernatural and undead don't interest me so much so maybe I'm the problem, just not your audience I guess.

This needs a major rethink, planning and approach. The idea is there, you just need to explore alternative avenues or different ways to tell the story. Give particular thought to the ending.

Best of luck with it

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Also I have a rather low tolerance for these all knowing, all seeing, omnipresent "strangers" who just appear out of thin air

Could be nice if Garrett could do the same...

Michel 8)

Oh I see, never noticed, I don't get why people do that. One puts in the effort to write something and then they don't even want to discuss it, strange.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 One puts in the effort to write something

Not just one, two. See "Pull".

I meant "one" in the collective sense. Yeah I've seen it a few times on here before.

what's this about the audience and paul not seeing Loretta?

no punch in the ending. no suspense. paul talked us all the way through. the intrigue was there, getting the jewels, but then with Loretta, man, i don't know. having a voice over do all the work is not doing all the work. Loretta should have made that boy quake and work to get her jewels back. you want your life back, boy? get my jewels!

Garet, you have a concept, but the story doesn't work visually.

You say this: ((Paul or the audience don't
notice, but Loretta is
standing in the background,
watching Paul.))

but you hadn't shown Loretta either in the casket or a picture of her on the death paper they have at funerals. For all we know, this woman popped out of the blue and attacked Paul.

Also, the story wasn't compelling. You told us via narration, all that was going on. There was no conflict or struggle. Paul hated Bob's insults, but he had no problems with Bob's idea. The story lacked tension(although you tried with Loretta's pursuit, but that was only for the reader, not the audience). Remember film is to be viewed.

Another thing. Show, don't tell. when Paul robs her, show him doing it. When Loretta kills him, show her in action. Don't tell us via V.O

Make your scenes interesting.

Didn't like it. Too much VO. Remember, VO is to help with the story not be the story.

Also, Paul is noted as having great respect for the dead after working with them for so long. I think the opposite would be true. Time makes everything a commodity. Dead bodies are dead bodies.

And who would bury over $1 million in jewlery? Every nut job in the town would be looking to score off a quick dig.

I read this because it sounded similar to a script Deader I had done . We both need to work on our short script skills.

Gary