So Many Words by James Redd - Short - A couple have a fight in their backyard. Why are the harshest words the easiest to say? 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

i'm pretty sure i know what you were shooting for (pun intended), but you didn't hit the mark.

what's with the bullet holes appearing? is someone in the car shooting? is the young couple shot dead?

voice overs never carry things for me. maybe try real dialogue then kill everyone off.

At very least we know the name of the work in question with how many times it was littered through out the script. A little overboard - I'd say.  Anyways, it's fairly well written. Very blunt and direct in the descriptions. That's good.

The VO work is a little taxing, but sometimes it's needed. Here, in your 2 page epic, I don't know if it was working for or against it. "Shrugs"

The whole thing is a wash in the end cause it just has little to offer. Nothing to offer me, as a writer myself. I learned nothing from it. Nothing for other writers "who might be new" as they're gonna think 2 page epics are the norm anymore... Which, sadly, they are.

I'm sure you spent hours and hours cranking this one out, but in the end you failed to connect with me. "A READER" ... you don't always have to connect to all of your writers, sure... but for the most part I am willing to be a lot of people who reads this will feel the same. They just won't tell you as bluntly as I did.

That's my 2 cents.

Thanks for the read, cloroxmartini, and for the honesty.

Quoted from cloroxmartini i'm pretty sure i know what you were shooting for (pun intended), but you didn't hit the mark.

Were the questions you listed the reason why I didn't hit the mark? To answer, there was a drive by shooting aimed at the couple walking and while Kate and Brian were both using words as ammunition against each other (Brian, anyway) real live ammunition was fired ending any opportunity for them to make up.

Thanks for the read, Baltis, and the honesty as well. Honesty is our policy!

Quoted from Baltis- Anyways, it's fairly well written. Very blunt and direct in the descriptions. That's good.

Thanks you, sir. This started out much longer (maybe even 5 pages!) but I kept whittling it away to what I thought might be its essence. As I wrote the story sort of changed and this is what resulted.

Quoted from Baltis- I'm sure you spent hours and hours cranking this one out, but in the end you failed to connect with me.

Sorry you didn't love it, it was a quick one for me (not sure if the "hours and hours" was sarcastic or not). I was doing a lot of outlining for a handful of feature lengths I have been working on and just wanted to write.

Thanks again for the reads and the comments.

James

it was too damn sad for my liking.

Quoted from slabby it was too damn sad for my liking.

I see you've found a way to get past the cuss-word-finder.

Hey James

This was a strange little short, not sure if I liked it or not really.

I was intrigued to see what the argument was about and thought perhaps Kate and Brian had lost their child, so the shooting was a surprise.  

It had emotion but unfortunately we don't know enough about the couple to care for them.  They're arguing so they come across as unpleasent people not caring paretns which they might be.

I'm not sure why they were shot at all, was it just coincidence?

Your writing was good, the descriptions and V.O.'s worked well but I didn't find the story strong enough.

James,

It left me internally divided. I mean, it's more like an ad, y'know. One of those warning ads. It's well-written enough, but just seems wildly underdeveloped. It kinda feels like you wrote something, and planned to embellish it, but never quite did.

I suspect that there's something profound weaved within this story, but the meaning feels lost - to me, at least - 'cos you've got such little on the page.

Andrew

Thanks for the reads, alffy and Andrew.

Quoted from alffy I was intrigued to see what the argument was about and thought perhaps Kate and Brian had lost their child, so the shooting was a surprise.   It had emotion but unfortunately we don't know enough about the couple to care for them.  They're arguing so they come across as unpleasent people not caring paretns which they might be. I'm not sure why they were shot at all, was it just coincidence?

I didn't feel like the nature of the argument was important, just the fact that they were arguing. Point taken that there isn't much to go on as far as rooting for the characters. And yes, the shooting was meant for the couple walking on the sidewalk and a stray bullet got through and hit Brian. This started out as a longer script that was whittled down, maybe too much I'm thinking after the comments that have been made.
Thanks for the comments.

Quoted from Andrew Allen It left me internally divided. I mean, it's more like an ad, y'know. One of those warning ads. It's well-written enough, but just seems wildly underdeveloped. It kinda feels like you wrote something, and planned to embellish it, but never quite did. I suspect that there's something profound weaved within this story, but the meaning feels lost - to me, at least - 'cos you've got such little on the page.

Yes, it started as something bigger (a revenge story centered around Kate seeking out the guys in the car who shot Brian) but once I started writing it changed. I wanted it to feel sudden and brevity seemed to be the answer but maybe you weren't given enough time to root for the characters. I may revisit the bigger story at some point.

James

Quoted from James R Thanks for the reads, alffy and Andrew. I didn't feel like the nature of the argument was important, just the fact that they were arguing. Point taken that there isn't much to go on as far as rooting for the characters. And yes, the shooting was meant for the couple walking on the sidewalk and a stray bullet got through and hit Brian. This started out as a longer script that was whittled down, maybe too much I'm thinking after the comments that have been made. Thanks for the comments. Yes, it started as something bigger (a revenge story centered around Kate seeking out the guys in the car who shot Brian) but once I started writing it changed. I wanted it to feel sudden and brevity seemed to be the answer but maybe you weren't given enough time to root for the characters. I may revisit the bigger story at some point. James

James, all I can ask is that you please don't revisit the bigger story... We've seen it done many, many, many, many times now. Jodi Fosters absurd last attempt was proabbly the last time we should be subjected to revenge stories as such. They just don't work... Not when a male lead is in them... Not when a female lead is in them.

Revenge stories -- blow by and large. Keep what ya got.

Quoted from James R I see you've found a way to get past the cuss-word-finder.

you wrote this?  well, like I said, it was really sad, to me at least.  I got teary eyed/moved in a way.  there was only 1 other script (which was a short too) on here that got me that way, and I think it was about an alcoholic and how his life just went by in a haze.  I forget who wrote it, and what its called, but I recommend it.

Quoted from Baltis Revenge stories -- blow by and large. Keep what ya got.

That doesn't mean I can't do it, right? Maybe I can start a trend...

Quoted from slabby well, like I said, it was really sad, to me at least.  I got teary eyed/moved in a way.

Job well done to me then, right? Glad it made you feel.

Quoted from slabby there was only 1 other script (which was a short too) on here that got me that way, and I think it was about an alcoholic and how his life just went by in a haze.  I forget who wrote it, and what its called, but I recommend it.

That reminds me of the joke Marlin tells in "Finding Nemo". I'd love to read it if you can find it again.

James

Quoted from James R Were the questions you listed the reason why I didn't hit the mark? To answer, there was a drive by shooting aimed at the couple walking and while Kate and Brian were both using words as ammunition against each other (Brian, anyway) real live ammunition was fired ending any opportunity for them to make up.

Then what you wrote is poetry, in a sense, and not in a good way. I could figure out there was a senseless drive by. Saying that the words they argue with are ammunition, and then someone gets shot with our typical ammunition is too subliminal for me to figure out on my own. But I have been told to write for an eighth grade audience. There was all the voice over and no dialogue. All you say is implied. It's not explicit and in my opinion should be explicit. It's a blueprint for a movie for Pete's sake, not a secret. What you're doing is trying to be cute with it and it ended up not working. Why not have them argue for real? Ditch the VO. That would take some real work. Why not show some thugs hanging out the window with submachine guns and wasting everyone? Why just a car drives by and bullet holes appear in the fence?

A CAR SKIDS AROUND THE CORNER. OUT THE WINDOW HANGS A WILD EYED YOUTH WITH A SUBMACHINE GUN. HE OPENS FIRE ON THE HAPPY WALKING COUPLE, RIDDLING THEM WITH BULLETS.

SOME STRAY BULLETS PUNCH THROUGH THE FENCE...

AND FIND THEIR WAY TO BRIAN.

HE TAKES SEVERAL MORTAL HITS AND FALLS TO THE GRASS.

KATE WHIPS UP AN RPG AND BLOWS UP THE PERP CAR.

SHE THEN RUSHES OVER TO SEE IF BRIAN IS ALIVE. HE'S NOT. SHE CRIES OVER HIS DEAD BODY.

KATE: (SNIFF, SOB) THAT'LL...(SNIFF) TEACH YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE WE HAVE FOREVER, BRIAN (SNIFF). BUT I GOT THOSE FUCKERS! YOU'DA BEEN PROUD, LIKE YOU WERE WHEN WE FIRST MET (SNIFF).

Why not tie the thugs to one of the characters so it means more? Maybe they are arguing about his drug deals and some day it's all going to backfire, so then it does.

Even if you did all that, what's the point? Talk to someone like it's their last day, or could be? Why not have them argue and he backs out of the driveway like a crazed and angry man and he gets plowed into by the garbage truck? Or he doesn't pay attention as he backs out and runs over Mr. and Mrs. Happy? Why not have them argue and his plane crashed and she hears about it on the news? So...why bullets? When do you EVER hear of this kind of thing besides in the movies? "Random" violence like this more often than not ends up not being so random, meaning there is usually a connection between the perp and the victim.

I guess I wanted the VO to be sort of a subtext for what was really happening. In her VO Kate doesn't really talk about what's happening, otherwise there would be no point in it and real dialogue should replace it.

The action you mentioned were all good suggestions but at that point the sadness is taken out of it and it becomes anger, but almost comical. Maybe what I wrote is too subtle (it wouldn't be the first time) for some, maybe most. I don't want to take the focus off Kate and Brian, which is why you only see the couple walking on the sidewalk and the car full of gun-wielding maniacs through the fence (Kate's POV).

This was originally intended to be a longer piece that I cut down to a single scene when I wrote it because I felt sadness when the situation took place. It was going to be a tale of revenge where Kate finds the gun-wielders and takes them out but I liked this better.

Thanks for the comments and the suggestions, it's more than most people take the time to give. Any other suggestions?

James

PS - do you have anything posted here? I'd like to return the read, though it may be a week or two. We're about to have a baby!

Hello James,

I thought this was a good two page short.  Wasn't too taxing to read and difficult to understand.  I liked the message you've conveyed and see nothing wrong with it.

Keep it as it is.  Good job.

All the best,


Javier

I actually think the V.O. works well here.  I don't think the story does, however, as I wouldn't have a clue this is a drive by shooting.  Biggest problem is the amount of passive verbiage on display.  It's everywhere, and in something so short, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

So that's that.

Quoted from jayrex Wasn't too taxing to read and difficult to understand.  I liked the message you've conveyed and see nothing wrong with it.

I'm glad it wasn't too taxing. So you read the entire two pages? :) Thanks for the comments and compliments.

Quoted from Dreamscale Biggest problem is the amount of passive verbiage on display.  It's everywhere, and in something so short, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

Huh, nobody has pointed that out yet, you've given me something to look at. Thanks for the comments, fellow Arizonan.

James

I'm in Chandler...soon to be North Scottsdale. Where are you?

Yeah, the passive verbiage thing is something that just jumps out at me.  As I say so often, IMO, it's not that you can't ever use it, but two things are big no nos for me...when it's used early on, and when it comes in multiple examples before the story has a grip.  At only 2 pages, I don't think you should have any passive verbiage in here.

Quoted from James R I guess I wanted the VO to be sort of a subtext for what was really happening.

The elusive subtext. Like I said, I think you tried too hard with it instead of being Nike about it (the subtext there is JUST DO IT).

Quoted from James R In her VO Kate doesn't really talk about what's happening, otherwise there would be no point in it and real dialogue should replace it.

Having voice over is still talking. You're explaining the very subtext you're looking for by talking and I'm not sure that would be subtext anyway, that would be tragedy because how does she know what's about to happen? Subtext would be something like he's talking about changing the oil in his car because it's been such a long time and she, being fresh out of prison, says something like..."well, I then I think I need my oil changed, too."

Quoted from James R The action you mentioned were all good suggestions but at that point the sadness is taken out of it and it becomes anger, but almost comical. Maybe what I wrote is too subtle (it wouldn't be the first time) for some, maybe most. I don't want to take the focus off Kate and Brian, which is why you only see the couple walking on the sidewalk and the car full of gun-wielding maniacs through the fence (Kate's POV).

Of course you realize my action was a joke. And yours was too subtle, no maybe about it. Like I said, you're not writing prose here, your writing a script. You could write it MOS, but someone still has to be hanging out the window of the car shooting, even if it's puffs of smoke and ripping fence set to Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight.

Quoted from James R This was originally intended to be a longer piece that I cut down to a single scene when I wrote it because I felt sadness when the situation took place. It was going to be a tale of revenge where Kate finds the gun-wielders and takes them out but I liked this better.

Then I wasn't too far off with Kate's RPG. Hehe. You get 'em Kate!

Quoted from James R We're about to have a baby!

Uh, correction, she is...you're just along for the ride and hair pulling, and have fun with that. I hope he/she has all their fingers and toes.

Quoted from Dreamscale At only 2 pages, I don't think you should have any passive verbiage in here.

Thanks, I'll have to go over it again. I should have known better, given I just read the part in Stephen King's "On Writing" where he talks about it too.
I'm in Casa Grande, just moved down from Mesa. I think we've talked about this before?

To cloroxmartini: thank you for the lesson, really. I'm learning as I go and people like you make it much easier. You think I should throw out the VO entirely and have real dialogue then? I can do that.

Quoted from cloroxmartini You could write it MOS, but someone still has to be hanging out the window of the car shooting, even if it's puffs of smoke and ripping fence set to Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight.

That was good. I had never heard the term MOS.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Uh, correction, she is...you're just along for the ride and hair pulling, and have fun with that. I hope he/she has all their fingers and toes.

Correction of your correction: I feel everything she feels, only magnified. Since I cannot actually feel it I imagine feeling it and imagine that it's 10x worse than it probably actually is. And yes, she was born happy and healthy.
Thanks again.

Quoted from James R Correction of your correction: I feel everything she feels, only magnified. Since I cannot actually feel it I imagine feeling it and imagine that it's 10x worse than it probably actually is. And yes, she was born happy and healthy. Thanks again.

congratulations. now spend your money wisely.

James

You always give mine a go so its only right to return the favour. I'm generally not keen or just indifferent to short shorts like this, 1 and 2 pagers. I enjoy the quick read but ultimately they don't do much for me and I'm left unsatified.

I'm afraid this was no different, an admirable attempt I will say, the voiceover and message you were trying to convey is a poignant one but 2 pages simply don't cover it. It's clear you have something to say with this, why not give yourself more leeway to exploit it? The shooting of the couple was too random, too out of the blue to make any impact, I was just left wondering why.

As I said, a good subject to explore and its obvious from other works I've read of yours that you're a talented writer, my wish is fo you to express yourself more or at least give yourself a chance. Maybe take a little time to flesh out a plot and formulate a more complete script using what you've got here.

Best of luck

Col.

Hello James, talking to myself again. I liked it for a 2 pager. i got that it was a drive bye right off, think someone else posted they were confused. It was sad and moving so I think you hit the mark. Bye the way I love revenge stories, when they're good. Been alo of crappy films about them lately. Anyways, nice work...  James <- that's me.

Hey, Col. Thanks for reading again.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The shooting of the couple was too random, too out of the blue to make any impact, I was just left wondering why.

Aren't accidental deaths always like that? I get what you mean, though.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Maybe take a little time to flesh out a plot and formulate a more complete script using what you've got here.

I may, I may not. This was intended to be a longer script originally but it changed on me once I started writing. This was a fairly quick one and I have since moved on.

Good to hear from you again.

Hey, James. Thanks for reading, James, and for the compliments. James