Interview With My Mother's Murderer by Anica Moore - Drama, Twist at the End - Erika, a columnist for a local newspaper, discovers an article on a known serial killer whose execution date in fast approaching, whom is the key suspect in her mother's murder case. Curious, Erika sets out to get answers about the 1970's murder. What motivates a killer to do such a crime? After confiding to a friend that she always wanted to interview a serial killer and with William being her mother's murderer, and that this would be a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Getting an interview about the life of a serial killer for the locals to read and find out what events lead up to the murder of her mother. 47 page - pdf, format 8)

To the writer of this script...

I read the first 20 pages, then through in the towel. I don't know where to begin with your script.  

I can see the passion in your writing but unfortunately it isn't enough. You need to work on a few other things.

If you would like to hear some honest feedback... suggestions... please let me know.

If not, good luck.

Ghostwriter 22

Yeah, I tried giving this a read awhile back but the formatting was all over the place.

The writer has yet to make an appearance, but if they do show up, I'd be happy to give some suggestions.

Dressel,

Thanks, I'm going to need some help with this one.


Ghostwriter 22

I'll share my thoughts on the first page only, then if you decide to show up, I'll share the rest,

First off, the scene heading should be placed underneath the "FADE IN" and above that wad of action. The heading itself is fine for the most part, take out the "(cubicles)".

There's a few problems with the first action paragraph

The second line on the very first paragraph of action " Tasha is searching the internet for her next big story" This would be fine if this were for a novel because they show us the thoughts and feelings of a character but a screenplay is mainly visible, so you have to show us that's she's searching for her next big story, this can be her just camly scanning the internet for anything interesting or have her appear tired, strained, or bored.. Same with the last couple of sentences too, they do all tell and no show. Also write in present tense.

There is no description, or mention of age of either girl, you need to give them an identity, tell us how they look and how old they are so we can know more about them. They way the sit right now they are just names.

This first part of action is terrible in regards to the story, we are tossed into this world that we don't know anything about and all to quickly we learn something that we shouldn't until a few more pages later. I'm talking about the catalyst,  the main character starts out in a balanced lifestyle and the catalyst is responsible for the balance to be messed up. Here the catalyst is Tasha finding that article about the murderer. From then it moves on to the big event (I've only read the first page keep in mind) which will probably be the opportunity to meet this guy/girl. perhaps he/she is located in a town so Tasha will have to stay there, setting up a possible situation where the convict will escape and come after Tasha.

Anika, the cool thing about this site is that you get the help of a bunch of people for free...and they actually want to help you, no strings attached.

Take 1 of these responses seriously, and ask them for some help.  You will seriously be so happy when you learn a few of the basics.

Cool thing is, you've written a complete script and you've got a vision.  Lots of issues though, like immediately!

You start off with a HUGE passage.  Don't ever go over 4 lines...no reason to...EVER!  hard to read, comes off as amateurish.  Break 'em up or lose words whole sentences.

Lots of completely "Unfilmables".   Stay away fom them.  You don't want to get stuck in that philosophy...start off writing your story in a visual way without telling us stuff we'd never be able to see onscreen.  Keep that in mind, and read over this first page...check out all the stuff that no one would ever be able to see in a filmed version.  Get rid of it!  Tell us (in your wiritng)...show us onscreen....exactly what you want to say.  But of course, keep it brief...make us see something every single line.

Make sure you respond, cause there are people right here waiting to help you...and  again, they actually like doing this kind of shit!

Best to ya.

Hi Anika,

I skimmed over your script just to check it out. You do have a pretty good story here.

Your formatting, like the others have said needs work.

You can get a copy of The Screenwriter's Bible at your local bookstore. It will help.

There is a lot to learn when it comes to screenwriting. The biggest thing, I think, is only write what can be "seen or heard".
Each line write what is seen, if you are at one part of the office, and you focus in on another part... well, here's an example:

INT. OFFICE - EDITING DEPARTMENT - DAY

Busy, bustling people in their every day routine.

(I FORGOT THE GIRL'S NAME, but it is in caps) sits at her desk serching the internet. Something has her attention. Then describe her and what she is doing, but only up to four lines max.

I hope I've helped, but seriously, I think every writer could use a copy of  The Screenwriter's Bible.

Cindy

Anica,
Just read the first page and some input to offer.

Dreamscape offered good advice on his post. Most of the whole first intro- loose.
Just about all of it is unfimable. In other words, how would you see her thoughts on film. You wouldn't.

As for TASHA, there is no explaination as to her phyisical apperaance. I don't want to sound racist but is she black?

Reason I ask, is my close friend who is black uses the word GIRL alot so I am surmising. But we don't know. See what I mean?

Same with ERIKA, no explaination as to her appearance. We are left to guess.

Loose all of the parantheticals. The stuff in (parenthesis). If it is funny, it will come off that way. If it is not funny, writing the word (laugh) won't make it so.

Thats all I got for now.

Shawn....><