Sometimes Monday Never Comes (was How To Quit Drinking) by James Williams (jwent6688) - Short - A drunk finds his chosen isolation is his own demise. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey don, Thanks for posting. This is my first shot, first post, so be brutal. Trying to read other peoples scripts and comment on them to make friends here. So I will return the favor to anyone who reads it.

Tried to post a revision to fix a few minor errors but it didn't make it in time. I'm sure someone will point them out to me.

Hey James, thought I'd check this out for you.

No real biggy but I had no idea what Captain Morgan's was until later when you said it was booze.

I'd maybe think of breaking up the long telephone conversation with a few little lines of action.

'a second after a fast, unseen jet screams bye', I don't get this, I think it just reads wrong.

Chad's dialogue is good and natural although when he's talking about quitting, he sounds like he's talking to someone.  I can't explain why, it's just the way it came across to me.

Same problem with Rudy and General Greer's dialogue, needs breaking up a tadge.

Well you have a interesting story and it's written very well, a few minor spelling mistakes but I forgot to point them out sorry.  It reminds me of the film 'Right at your door'.  Strangely though I can't help but get the feeling that this reads like the start of a feature.  For a first effort I have to pat you on the back and say I was impressed with your writing.

Last thing, I'm not sure about your title, it makes this sound more like a comedy.

Good work James.

Hello James

This was a very interesting read. I agree with Alffy...definitely reads like a potential feature film.

I had a few qualms with the script, maybe you can clear up for me...

1) Chad seems like a very anti-social individual, yet when he checks his cellphone, he remarks that nobody cares...was that intentional, or is there a story behind that?

2)I agree with Alffy again...the title does read like it's a comedy...is it a working title?

3)Seems a bit fast that a reporter managed to get inside scoop on a probably high level government mission...maybe a time difference could be incorporated between the time Chad chooses to quit smoking/drinking, and the time the two inspectors burst into Chad's house...but that's just me

All in all, it was a great read. Good job.

-Silva-

Hello James,

Not bad, pretty good.  Reads well and was fine overall.

Page two, Come on'e', drop the the 'e'.

I have to agree with Alffy.  The title leads me to believe this is a comedy.

Be careful with your slugs.  You keep writing Night when the first one is all that is needed.  You do write Night in one slug, then Later, then Night.  Again, it's still at night, no need to write later in the slug.

All the best,


Javier

James


Spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





This was an interesting read. When I first saw the jet I was scratching my head as to what was going on but the story unfolded very nicely after that (in structure of course, not plot, that would be just cold) revealing bit by bit what had happened. I initially thought it was an aerial attack, a dirty bomb type scenario like that film "Right At Your Door" until we find out it was a "pre-emptive" strike, as Gen. Greer put it. Very well paced, I must say.

How come Chad didn't question why Lady had vomited? Surely on a normal night leaving the dog out wouldn't have resulted in such a demise.

Be careful on page 6 as there is a lot of Chad talking to himself, nothing wrong with his lines, I'm just fearful as to how it would come across on screen.

Your dialogue in general was spot on, realistic and rang true. In particular when the reporter is talking to the General, trying to get an answer out of him which he keeps deflecting until she has him backed into a corner. How many times have we seen that on conspiracy themed documentaries, very natural, good job.

What really appealed to me was the tragedy of it all, the knock on effect of one action to another and how they can result in the worst possible consequences. How a seemingly harmless, insignificant decision, even sometime one done with the best intentions can have an adverse effect on the individual and those around them.

I explored a similar motif of sorts in my latest short on here called "Your Golden Years Await" if you get a chance you might take a look.

Solid work, well done.

Col.

Wow, thanks for the reads. i guess i shouldn't go out on script posting day. I'm sure theres a way to respond to each of you one at a time, but I dont know. So here goes
Alffy: Sorry, I assumed everyone knows what captain morgan's is here in the states. You guys don't have that out there? You're being robbed. A fast unseen jet was just to add drama. honestly, If it was bombed in the states it would have been from a high altitude jet that nobody ever saw. Chad's talking to his father who is in the photograph. And yes the title is misleading, but couldn't come up with one better. Still can't. Definitely not a feature. Just a lonely blue collar drunk who's girlfriend left him. Thanks for the read. I will return the favor.

Silva: 1) most anti-socials blame everyone else for their solitude. At least i do. 2)The title sucks. 3)Never thought of it as a clandestine mission. I played it out like the operation was so successful that gov't boasted about it. No inside scoop.

Javier: i admit, title sucks. Is that true though? Until you change to night or day you don't have to post it in your slugs? I didn't know that. Funny, I've already read Three soulshadows. Loved em' Just felt too amateur to post. i will start. Thanks.

Col: Thanks. Your first questions is a good one. I actually added a scene to revision where he tries to call someone after finding her then slams down his phone breaking it bcuz it won't charge. At the same time, a dead pooch is a dead pooch. And a lazy drunk is the same. Could go either way. I've never seen "Right At Your Door", but will check it at soon. As well As your script.

Thanks everyone, returning the favor tomorrow. Just got home from the pub. Need to go pass out.

I don't mind the title. I just didn't fancy the dialogue between the soldiers. It was too "jargony" and esoteric. They felt like talking heads so I skimmed that part.

It's a sad story. Chad didn't live, but existed.  Maybe you should add some interactions with Chad and another character because his lament about a woman driving him to drink came out of nowhere and felt strange...

You write very well though. Just figure out the narrative(story) and redraft.

Good luck.

I'm drunk now myself


I only decided to glance over this because I thought it would hit me in the heart kinda like stebrown's "a brief history of an alcoholic," which made me cry.

The title itself pulled me in, the logline was ok,

But man the story didnt really do anything for me.  I'm sorry.  I was expecting a depressing way this guy Chad was gonna stop drinking or whatever, and in the end it was some kind of military disaster or whatever.

I don't know.  Just didn't do me anything.

The only positive I can point out is some of the dialogue, like when Chad is burying the dog and when hes talkin to himself about the past.  I can vouch for moments like that.  I think if you tried to put more emotion into it tho that his lines would have connected more with me on a deeper level.

James,

I forgot to mention.  

You have your character Chad come home and sees his dog Lady in a cage in the living room.  I was wondering why is the dog in a cage indoors?  You'll have to set your dog free as this would be animal cruelty.  The dog is already locked up inside the house, no need to lock the dog up a further time in a cage.

All the best,


Javier

Really? Sorry javier. Perfectly acceptable to crate your dog while you are out. Even the people at the animal resue centers are recommend it. When dogs get used to their cage they are very comfortable and at ease in them. Plus, Keeps them from running around chewing up everything in your house when your not home. Took that one to hear a little. I'm a dog lover and I have a resued pooch from an abused life. And i do crate her when i'm gone. Thanks Jay

Slabby: ha, was drunk when i wrote it. We obviously did not have the same buzz going on. Sorry it dissapointed. Thanks for the read though. James

This read well, stylish and visual descriptions. I didn't notice many mistakes, which is always nice.

You've replied about the dog in the cage at the start and the response is fair enough. But I'd still say most people would think the protag is cruel and nasty to do that, which is the opposite of what you're trying to do at the start.

The plot overall and dialogue are nicely done.  I read it again and it works better a second time, particularly the bit with the dog.

A few small points, I was wondering what this guy is doing with a Blackberry. I don't think the (O.S.) bit for the phone calls is right.
Good job.

Well, that's the second complaint about the dog in the cage. It sucks, cuz i was really trying to show how Chad truly was good to his dog. Wanted him to seem like just a nice guy with a drinking problem. Thanks for the read Rendevous. I thought everyone had a blackberry these days. I do, and i'm no businessman. Are you in UK? Starting to wonder if this is a UK/US disagreement here about crating your pooch. james

You're welcome. I'm in the UK so maybe that's the case about the dog. I could later later he was kind to the dog so the cage seemed out of place.

I'd have thought Chad would have sold the Blackberry long ago if he was down on his luck. Particularly if he likes a drink and cigs and is short of the green. If you just called it cellphone / mobile it wouldn't draw attention to it.

Either ways they were small points in what is a good piece.

Your right. Shouldn't have drawn attention to it. Has no purpose in the script. okay. Heading off to read yours. Thanks. James

Nice to see a story based in Cleveland, my hometown.  There's even a mention of Toledo, no less.  Some might say those towns could do with a good military bombing, but not me.

Not bad for your first try.  The dog was a nice touch, as was the disconnect notice at the beginning.  For a minute there, I thought you were going to stray into zombie territory, and I'm very glad you didn't.  I do think you relied too heavily on the TV reporter to convey all the details of what happened.  It would nice if the guy made an attempt to piece things together before he croaked.  As it is, he buries the dog, and that's about it.  Since he's almost completely cut off from TV, phone, blackberry, etc., how would he figure out what happened?  Or did he?

Anyway, good first effort.  As for the title, the script could just as easily have been called "How to Quit Breathing."  

Cam

Cam, you crack me up bro. I'm still stuck here. Write about what you know right? Not that it really mattered in this one. But i'll stay close to home for now. Title? I actually like yours better. mind if I use it? lol. It's a short. It is what it is... practice. So I can write that million dollar feature someday. Thanks for the advice.

funny. everyone who moves away from here talks about C-town like it was the greatest. Orange barrels are the state flower all summer. and six months of shoveling snow. fuck you and your LA weather. I'll be checking out one of your scripts her shortly.

As for your recommendations, you bring up a good point. The script is ass heavy. But I still think its better that way. Don't know another way to bring more info into the in the middle. The guy was completely cutoff and he didn't care. Thanks for the comments, very insightful.  thanks,   James

Quoted from jwent6688 Slabby: ha, was drunk when i wrote it. We obviously did not have the same buzz going on. Sorry it dissapointed.

ahahahah its ok dude.  I was just lookin for somethhing more emotional.

I usually come on here all the time when I'm drunk.

I think I reviewed one of Bert's shorts while I was tanked haha

Hi James,

I haven’t read the other reviews, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

Nice effort with an very interesting idea. But, IMO, there’s a big plot hole : when Chad has John on the phone (BTW it should V.O. and no O.S. when John speaks – O.S. means he’s in the room but we can’t see him), John should tell Chad about the quarantine. I don’t think this kind of decision can be made that shortly.

Furthermore, the dialog tunnel between the general and the reporter is too long and misses action in intercut.

I won’t comment about Lady in the cage INSIDE the house. Sounds too cruel to me. The dog looks so nice, she doesn’t seem to need it.

A last thing, I don’t like the title. You could have called it « A man and a dog », or even  « A drunkard and a dog » as a tribute to the post-apocalyptic film « A  boy and a dog ». Just my 2 pences…

Good job anyway.

Michel 8)

Quoted Text But, IMO, there’s a big plot hole : when Chad has John on the phone (BTW it should V.O. and no O.S. when John speaks – O.S. means he’s in the room but we can’t see him), John should tell Chad about the quarantine.

Chad actually talks to John before the military strike ever happens. That's why he doesn't mention it. Later in the night his mom tries to call but the phone goes dead. Thanks for pointing out the (O.S.)/(V.O.) mistake though. I definitely need my formatting help. Thanks for the read, James

Hey James,

This is pretty good for a first script. I do have some things to comment on though...

On page 1 you have "and and a carton"

John on the phone should be V.O. Also there is a lot of jabbering and nothing really is being said. A way to clear that up would be to have him call the home phone, have Chad see it and not want to answer. John could leave a message. Cut out all the jabbering other than have him say something like we miss you or something.

When I first read "duey" I was at a loss, then it dawned on me "D. U. I." You can write it like that.

The nobody cares scene felt funny to me because his mother had called, and so did his friend.

The dog scene felt funny to me, too. The one where he found her in the yard dead.
Did she have powder on her? Was she foaming at the mouth? Or just vomited?
Why didn't he take her to the vet or at least try to call the vet instead of just burying her.

I liked the quit Monday part. I said that myself for years, but the Monday did eventually come, and I did quit smoking.    

The T.V. should be treated like it is a "seperate character"
and use (on T.V.) to be especially clear.
Here's an example using fake dialogue and discription cos' I don't remember exactly how you wrote it.

TELEVISION

GENERAL GREER, a retired military officer sits next to RUDY, a dark-haired female reporter. She turns to him.

RUDY (on T.V.)
Blah blah blah?

Waits for his answer.

GENERAL GREER (on T.V.)
Blah Blah Blah.

RUDY (on TV.)
Blah blah blah.

Then when you want to go back to the room you can write

BACK TO SCENE

The inspector studies Chad.

GENERAL GREER (O. S. )
Blah Blah Blah

at least I think the O.S. is right here on the last example. If not, I'm sure someone else will let us know.


Anyway, I did like the story. I just think it needs some work. Hope this helps.

Cindy

Cindy, Thanks so much for reading it and the comments...

Congrats, you're the first to pick up on that double "and" on pg 1. Just so easy to miss. tx.

I've been notified about the (V.O.) on the phone conversation. I tried to establish a couple things with that call The first, I think everyone missed was that he was lying about going to happy hour with people from work. With his mom telling him she's not living til six and him still having time. He just came home to get drunk by himself. Also, that his friends want him to get out there and meet some girls. Trying to establish that he's recently single. Guess that part needs work.

The "nobody cares" line has already been put to debate. I looked at Chad as a good person, but one who feels sorry for himself. He blames other people for his solitude as he blames his ex girlfriend for his drinking. They're really both nobody's fault but his own, but he likes to keep himself depressed so he refuses to come to terms with it.




"Duey" That's actually a nickname for a D.U.I. that most of my friends use. Figured it might be hard to understand, but that's what we usually call them. Just felt more natural.

The formatting help with the TV conversation is very helpful, thanks. Learning proper formatting is a bear for me right now. Software only does so much.

Again, thanks for the read and the comments. I'm glad you liked the story. I'll rewrite it soon and try to fix many of the issues that were brought up here....    James

Hey James, just read your first short.  As others have said, it's defintely not bad for a first try.

I didn't take my usual notes as I read, but you've recieved some great feedback and alot of the mistakes have been brought up already.

Couple things I wanted to comment on...

First, I understand about the "crating" of a dog.  I personally don't agree with it unless it's a puppy being trained, but I do know many people who do this, and it's defintely not cruel or the like.

Secondly, you received some feedback about your slugs.  I'm a big slugs stickler, so I want to throw out my 4 cents here.  In a written version, it's important to give your reader as much info as you can.  IMO, that means alway using some sort of "time" in your slugs.  You'll start with "DAY" or "NIGHT", but as you progress through your script, you should use either "CONTINUOUS", "MOMENTS LATER", or "LATER" as apposed to continually using "DAY" or "NIGHT".  When you reach a new day or night, then you'll want to use "DAY" or "NIGHT" again, or even "THE NEXT DAY" or whatever.  This helps your readers know where we are.  It also is very important if the script is being shot, as it alerts everyone to when apparrel has to be changed, or even things in the actual set.  It's a good idea to start off writing this way.  As you get better at it, there are short cuts you can take with your slugs, but you might as well start off crossing all your T's and dotting all your I's.

The title doesn't work at all, IMO.  I also didn't get the sense that things are so bad for Chad.  Lots of people drink...heavily...damn, I know I sure do!  Same with the smoking.  I didn't understand why he was coughing up blood.  Nothing really showed that he was having troubles with drinking, smoking, or even financially.  He had a car, he owned a house with a pool, he had a Blackberry, and he had a big Plasma TV.  So based on all that, I didn't get anything that things were so bad for him.  He also had friends call, as well as his Mom, so if you wanted to show that Chad had major issues, I'd say you failed.

I grew up in Bay Village, OH, and went to college at Bowling Green, so I appreciated that the story took place in Cleveland.  As I always say, I think it shows alot that you cared enough about your script to give it an actual setting, so good job on that.

Story-wise, this is really a mixed bag.  An awful lot going on for 9 pages...probably too much.  We kind of get to liking Chad and Lady, and then, within a few pages, first Lady bites it, and then Chad is gone as well.

But the big problem here is with the phone conversations and TV report.  Off the top of my head, I'd say that those 2 scenes took up at least 2 of your 9 pages.  As a few others said, you need to understand what's taking place onscreen during these scenes.  The phone thing is literally Chad's face talking on the phone, and listening as his buddy talks.  Not too thrilling to watch.  No big deal if there's alot more happening, but in a short short like this, you've got to keep in mind that every page equals over 10% of your entire script.  The TV thing explained everything quite well, but it just feels so out of place and is, again, quite dull to watch 2 people that we don't know talking for a page or so.  If it was done with a V.O., and you had something interesting taking place onscreen, it would work better, but as it is, it doesn't quite work.

So, all in all, as I said up front, this is a good first effort.  You came up with a big sotry and told it in 9 pages, and actually had us caring for your 2 leads (1 being a dog!).  My recommendations are to really concentrate on what's taking place onscreen, and make sure it's entertaining, both visually and story-wise neccessary, if you know what I mean.

Keep at it!  Best to ya...

Hi James. i liked this! I'm glad I didn't read the commnets before reading,as i usually do! The change from a guy with a life crisis to military stuff was very effective and out of the blue.
Others have commented on various points and I agree with some. but i liked your writing style. Yes, this could've become a black comedy if you chose it too.

Anyway, good effort.

A couple of notes: i haven't had a drink now for nearly 2 years! Not even one glass. I used to hit it pretty hard all my adult life but when the kids stated arriving 5 years back, i just drifted away from it. Don't have the time or inclination for hangovers! And we couldn't afford to drink even if we wanted to.  my vice now is coffee...way too much of it!
Also , Jeff? you went to college in Bowling Green? That's cool. We stayed a night there back in '97, on our way to the Kentucky Derby.

Different Bowling Green, Steve.  Mine was in OH, near Toledo, you're talking about Bowling Green, KY.

Jeff, guessing that's your name from seeing you on other threads? Thanks for giving it a read and commenting.

First, the crating of the dog is definitely getting the ax. The last thing i wanted to do was give any impression that Chad doesn't truly love his dog.

As far as slugs i'm getting confused. If you could read the post by jayrex on this thread, he came across like I didn't need to have "LATER" or even have "NIGHT" in my slugs again once "NIGHT" was established. I really want to get this right.

nobody likes the title. I'm still trying to think of a new one though.

I know it could come off as Chad didn't have it so bad. I imagined him as a person that lived above his means, especially with his girlfriend. Buying things they couldn't afford. Going into debt. Then, we she moved out she no longer helped him with the bills and he became a recluse drunk because he couldn't afford to go out. One thing i know is thriving in this bad economy is booze. People won't even quit to save their houses or keep their lights on. i pictured him as a functioning alcoholic. He still went to work everyday, but can't keep up with the bills on his own.

BTW, he coughs up blood because he's inhaled the Anthrax. He's infected but blames it on cigs. I wrote that his eyes were puffy red too, which most probably think was from crying, but could be infection.

Bay Village? dated a girl that lived out there along time ago. Hope she wasn't your sister. lol

I'm getting the same from alot of others about the phone /TV conversations. I thought the phone conversation was quick enough to not have any action, but I'm sure it couldn't hurt. The TV report definitely needs some breaking up. I still like the inspectors in the house for that though. Even though their dialogue needs fixed, i still like ending it on the "We've got one" line. But as i've read, never be married to anything when it comes to writing.

Thanks again for the read and critique. Waiting to gather all comments i can get before I revise it and this definitely helped. Btw, where can i find your scripts? I'd like to read one...  

Stevie, Thanks for checking it out. Glad you liked it. I'm no stranger to the bottle myself and was wondering how this sat with other people who've been there or can at least relate to it.

Partied at Bowling Green several times myself. I also went to the derby a couple of times and whoa... That's a party.    James

James, yeah, I'm Jeff.  Who was the chick you dated from Bay, and how old are you?  It's been a long time since I've been back...I graduated bay High in 1981 (oh shit, there I go dating myself again!!!).

As for the slugs thing, you're going to hear different things about what's best, what makes the most sense, etc.  Lots of different schools of thought.  IMO, it comes down to this...if something is painfully obvious that the scene is simply always CONTINUOUS, in theory, you don't need to keep repeating that.  But when you get into a more complex script, in which scenes are taking place in different locales, with different characters, you're going to find that the more detailed you are, the better it will be for everyone.

We're talking about a single word here, which will not increase your script by a single line ever, so it's not a matter of wasted space. It's also not going to take anyone any extra time to glance over the slug, and that 1 extra word.  So again, I always recommend being exact, detailed, and consistent in your slugs.  In a filmed version, you don't get the ability to know when scenes are taking place...you have to assume, or just not care. In a written format, why not give as much info as you can?

You can find my script, Fade to White, in the horror section, and all feedback is always appreciated.

Quoted from Dreamscale Different Bowling Green, Steve.  Mine was in OH, near Toledo, you're talking about Bowling Green, KY.

Ooops! Yep, sorry Jeff. I checked my atlas after posting and I'd buggered up. But then I saw I had been to your BG after all. We went through it after the Derby on the way up to Detroit.
Well, we went past the I-75 exit anyway...

Thanks Jeff, graduated in 81? that would make you... damn! lol. graduated high in 93. she was a good four years younger and i can't remember her name. Too long ago. Nothing bad happened anyways.

I like your point of view better on slugs. I never minded when people added "LATER" to them. At the same time if i ever did write something i wanted to try to sell I would like to know industry standard. I guess i can assume that's up to interpretation? Anyways, thanks for the help. Will read your script this weekend.  James

What I'm saying is industry standard.  But again, there are many pro writers (and good writers in here) that use abbreviated slugs.  Usually, these abbreviated slugs will come when a scene moves throughout a house or the like.  In that case, it makes perfect sense, but I still like to keep things extremely consistent all the time, and use full slugs, as I said earlier, they don't take up any extra space and don't make the read any longer.

I'm not sure where to begin with this one. I think with the word: Potential. I think there's definitely potential here.

The title I feel is wrong. I thought I was going to be reading a comedy. It's far from that.

I felt the beginning was awkward. Try rewriting. Here's one possibility:

Instead of:

>A large German Shepherd mix rests in her cage. She springs to her feet and dances in anticipation as a car door is heard shutting off screen. Her name is Lady.

Maybe:

LADY, a German Shepherd rests in her cage when a car door SHUTS O.S. She springs to her feet, eager doggie anticipation whipping in her tail.

The thing is to try and prioritize when writing intros. In this case, you've got: Her name is Lady.   coming as kind of an afterthought. Also, notice the use of the present participle in the predicate as in: is heard shutting. This can clunkify (there's a good word  ;D) our work; so just be aware of that kind of thing.

I should mention here: Why would a nice guy like Chad, leave his dog caged all day long. That is complete animal cruelty. It's weird how we can generate real emotion with words on a page isn't it? But I really felt bad for Lady. But there are those stupid people in this world who will do that. I don't think Chad was stupid though. I was thinking that maybe he had a landlord and that he wasn't really allowed to have a dog, but he loved Lady and that was the only way he could keep her.

Anyways, just thought I should mention that. OK, moving on...

The dialogue with Chad and John felt too chatty and too long.

I thought I had missed something when the explosion happened. I didn't know until afterwards that it was some kind of terrorist activity or something. I'm still not sure what it was about. Was it a government test?

From my perspective, I felt like that came out of nowhere. It seemed like the story was about Chad and his bad relationship with an unknown girlfriend, but he had finally determined he was going to quit drinking-- on Monday. Which I found extremely interesting.

Did Chad always say this? Was he a procrastinator? Yes, this is the story that I wanted to find out about. I wanted to know about the resolution to his personal problems, but instead, he was merely anthraxed to death and I don't know why. Well, I guess it's like with Alanis Morissette's song, Ironic. Maybe that's the angle you should work with this. Where he finally fixes his life, and when he does clean up his act, something else happens to screw with his world.

I notice that "The End" lands on the beginning of page "9" in the PDF. Just by doing some edits you can often fix this kind of thing. The tops and bottoms of pages are important. Of course, it doesn't matter in a draft. Just thought I'd mention it.

There is a lot of room to maneuver with this one. You've only got "9" pages and of that, you've got the excessive phone conversation and his "dwelling".

It all depends upon what you want to do here, but maybe bringing in his girl friend to a scene might prove interesting. Right now we know he's blaming her for his state, but whenever people cast blame like that, they are often the ones not taking responsibility for themselves. From that respect, I think you've got good material you're working with here.

I think it's a good first draft despite any flaws. It's generating some definite interest.

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale Secondly, you received some feedback about your slugs.  I'm a big slugs stickler, so I want to throw out my 4 cents here.  In a written version, it's important to give your reader as much info as you can.  IMO, that means alway using some sort of "time" in your slugs.  You'll start with "DAY" or "NIGHT", but as you progress through your script, you should use either "CONTINUOUS", "MOMENTS LATER", or "LATER" as apposed to continually using "DAY" or "NIGHT".  When you reach a new day or night, then you'll want to use "DAY" or "NIGHT" again, or even "THE NEXT DAY" or whatever.  This helps your readers know where we are.  It also is very important if the script is being shot, as it alerts everyone to when apparrel has to be changed, or even things in the actual set.  It's a good idea to start off writing this way.  As you get better at it, there are short cuts you can take with your slugs, but you might as well start off crossing all your T's and dotting all your I's.

This is good advice. I myself often don't pay enough attention to the slugs and a person needs to make a concentrated effort on this aspect when doing reads and in the writing itself. My last draft that I have up has a problem with the slug at the get-go. Sucks. I had a guy in a bathroom, but the bathroom was an ensuite one. You know: part of the inside of a bedroom. So it slipped when I had him exiting. He had to go "through" the bedroom first.

It so easy to slip over this kind of thing, but it is really important. And like you say, for the purpose of sets and lighting etc. it's got to be a technically correct kind of blueprint to work with.

Sandra

Sandra, Thanks for the read and comments...

I'm seeing many of the same problems coming up from other reader too. I have to be honest that this being my first try, i made it way too personal. Everything I wrote felt good and natural to me, but I did a bad job conveying that to the audience. I'm gonna give this a quick re-write and be done with it. And yes, the pooch will be free'd.

Being a smoker I always say i'm gonna quit Monday. Beginning of a new week, fresh start kinda thing i guess. Cindy identified with it also, being an ex-smoker.

i wrote about Chad blaming everyone but himself in a previous post. He blames his ex for his drinking and his friends for his solitude, yet, they are his own problems he needs to come to terms with.

I know it ends wasting an entire page, but I'm pretty sure th re-write will be at least a ten pager. I'll keep an eye on it.

I thought i did a decent job explaining what had happened. A truck full of anthrax was being driven by terrorists to downtown Cleveland. Military got wind of it and decided to bomb it in a less populated area before it could reach its target.

I'm going to try and fix my slugs in the revision. Jeff's comments were very helpful. I agree that i think it makes it much easier for the reader to understand as they're going through the script to have some sort of time factor in the slug.

Thanks for the read Sandra,.....      James

Definately has potential.  I don't know the formatting stuff but a few suggestions on the story:
When he gives the dog a treat at the beginning I think he should be taking a drink himself, his own treat.  felt like a missed opportunity and establishes his problems right away.
Felt kinda awkward for him to say 'peeps' from work.  I get that people talk like this in kind of a semi ironic way, but its hard to convey that in writing.
When you say he doesn't want to get a duey, why not say 'another duey'.  That would show that he actually has had past issues with his drinking.
The coughing blood is a little much.  Especially since we never see him smoke a cigarette in the whole piece.  He should be smoking, and just a regular cough would work the same.  Unless your trying to show the poison working, but then he would be surprised to see blood for the first time.  Unless he doesn't see it and we do.  Anyways, needs to be sorted out.
Also how does the dog die right away, but then he has time to bury her and mope about for a while before dying?  Plus the whole diatribe on the evil lady does come out of nowhere.  It either should be previously set up, possibly in the convo with his buddy, or cut down, or both.  And it's always strange to me when characters have long talks with themselves.  Maybe its just me but I've never had that kind of conversation with myself out loud.
As for the final scene it definately needs work to have a nice punch.  Hows this:
Start behind Chad watching the tv, the basement dark except for the tv blinking on, learning some of whats going on.  we see his half empty glass of alcohol next to him, his phone blinking low battery.  The tv continuing to play as the ecosuit guys come in, only then do we see the front of chad, realize he's been sitting there dead, not seeing anything thats on.
That way you build up to us realizing he's dead, rather than show him dead then have a bunch of explanation about why he's dead.
Anyways, definately worth playing with.  good luck with the revisions.

Jackx, Thanks for the read. unfortunately i already revised it once, should be up in the next posts. Then i'll probably be done with it. thought i had all the comments i was gonna get.

The another Duey is a suggestion i would've like to have had before revision. i like it.

He's smoking in the basement when JOHN calls him. You'll see if you re-read. Plus he walks in with a carton.  I picture this guy on such A weekend bender, he doesn't know the diff. I smoke and have coughed up bloody phlem just from bronchitis. And yes, it is the poison working. Anthrax effects your respiratory system first.

The dog was left outside, and when he wakes up in the am it's raining(It's in the script). The floating powder is done at this point. He got less infection from being in the house, though effected nonetheless.

The ex does come out of nowhere, i've tried to address that in the revision. Thanks

Alot of people have conversations with themselves, I do. He was a drunk talking to someone i pictured as his father (In the photograph).

Your idea has more punch if I was shooting for Chad being dead as the major mystery. in fact it was the pre-emptive strike on a truck heading into a downtown area. I really feel i needed the power to go out for this to work. At least IMO.

Again, thanks for the read. I will return the favor, where are your scripts?     James

Allright seems like you had everything handled then.  I'll give the revisions a read soonish.  All the poison/rain stuff makes sense now that you explain it, but could maybe be a little clearer in the script.  
I dont have anything up yet, I'm preemptively putting in my reviewing dues as I try to get something share worthy, but thanks.
anyways sounds like its coming along, good luck

(Just reread it, the revisions haven't been put up yet but I noticed that there's no way for the viewer to know that the voice on the answering machine is his mom.  instead of saying its me, maybe just have its your mother, or whatever.)

Jackx, thanks again. I always miss details when I read someone elses script. I always have to go back and check. This wouldn't be as easy to miss if it were on screen though. Which is the point.

I read here for months before I put anything up. This was my first. Learned alot from a nine pager though. Gotta jump in sometime, and be prepared for several people not to like your work.

I played it real safe with this one. As I venture into a longer script with more characterization and interation between them I'm sure all get some reality checks from people. Let me know when you post something... James

I thought I would give this a quick read and I will be sure to read the rewrite when it's up and any future projects you post. For a first script, this was excellent. I skimmed the other comments and they brought up most of the things I was going to say, especially about the caged dog, but I see you will be fixing that.

It wasn't until after I finished the script I noticed one of your comments about the puffy red eyes and the coughing up blood being a result of the Anthrax. I never even thought of that while reading. I think you should mention it, maybe with the General's interview at the end. He says less than two dozen people have been infected so maybe he can mention the symtoms of infection, the red eyes and coughing up blood so the reader will get a quick flash in their memory of this happening earlier in the script.

Did remind me of "Right at Your Door". I film I liked quite a bit. Chad talking to himself was overdone slightly. There's a major alcoholic stays next door to me that talks to himself but not like that. A few lines could be cut so it wouldn't feel weird on screen. If he is drunk, some of the things he says should not make much sense. He is also not as lonely as he seems as his friends all want to see him and such. Maybe he could try and call his friends or something and they don't answer or he can leave a message on their machine, just something to show how lonely he really is, a good reason for him talking to himself and it will make his relationship with Lady all the more special.

I did like this story and will check out the rewrite when posted. Great job!

Brian

Brian, Thanks for giving this a read. Yes, already been raked over the coals for caging the pooch and I'm gonna fix this.

I LOVE your idea about giving the reader some ideas about the symptoms. Especially with the TV interview. I will add that in a revision. I already revised it once, but it hasn't posted yet. I guess Don's on vacation? Anyways I will definitely try to add that in and swap out the revisins, but not sure if it will make it in time. Thanks for that one.

As far as Chad talking to himself, you're not the first to say it felt a little off. It's one of those things i've just agreed to disagree with most people on. One of my friends who's a recovering alcoholic always said an alocoholic needs booze to function properly. Not to always just get smashed. All day long they won't feel right until they get to that first drink. Then their body feels normal and they even think clearer for some. A functioning alocoholic if you will? They're the ones who most people never notice. Because you'll never see them completely smashed. It effects diffeent people differently.

Anyways, I'm glad you liked it. I'll try to sneak your suggestion into revision. I'd like to make this as good as possible, but i've already started moving onto other stories. I found out, I don't like revising nearly as much as writing. This part feels like work.  Thanks......  James

I never realized it, but the new draft has already posted eventhough the name on the UP page didn't change. Thanks to whomever posted it. I took much advice from readers hear and hope I didn't take away from the story. I didn't use all suggestions, but a great deal.

If you get a chance, scan through it and let me know what you think.... Thanks.. James

James,

I'll give it another go. I recall enjoying it the first time so here's hoping.

I see you changed the dog business for the better. I noticed a few other small changes that make it a lot better too.

Only thing I wonder on so far is what Chad looks like. I know his age and circumstances and I like the guy already after the first few pages, but I'd like to able to visualise him. This may be a deliberate omission on your part so feel free to ignore that point if you're happy with it.

A few small format points. Don't worry I won't get all Nazi on you. Coupla typos here and there, nothing big. On p4 you have a Slug with NIGHT then MOMENTS LATER. You need just one. You do it again with Later on the same page. Only other advice I'd suggest is to shorten some sentences.

I'd make the word 'dead' a sentence on its own on page 5. It would give it a bit more impact.

Looks like Monday's gonna a be a long for our protag!

It reads a lot better to me than your earlier version, you've fixed the problems so well done on that. Now, when's your next script coming?

I thought this was pretty good. Chad's story is interesting enough. I wasn't really expecting the terrorism angle. It upped the scale some and added an interesting twist of fate. Nothing wrong with that. I do think the story should end with Chad though, rather than these other guys, even if Chad is dead. I also think you could tell a better story if Chad wasn't talking to himself the whole time. You're basically handing out information. The girlfriend subplot is interesting and I don't think it should go. I just think it can be communicated in a more proactive way. Anyway, good job with this one.

R. (Since you won't give us a first name) thanks for skimming through it again. I see you've got some up and comings... looking forward to them.

I've never believed into giving too much description of a character in a screenplay unless it's pertinenet to the story.  And i suck at it.  If it ever got produced, probably be someone i never pictured anyways.

SLUGS, SLUGS, SLUGS... I see this will always be an argument. Your buddy Jeff(Fade To White), I've seen you guys busting each others balls a bit, brought up a point I like. I like having full slugs, doesn't add any pages, and gives more info to the reader. I know you're an abbreviated slugs guy. Even though you would never actually be able to tell if this happens  momments later or later, it makes it easier for the reader and the director could do some things on film to show the difference.... I think..

Making Dead one sentence could have more impact... Thanks.

I've gotten rid of the blackberry on your account also...

Working on a couple shorts right now. Again... I think they're interesting stories, but i feel over my head in characterization. I'm pretty much done with this... Revisions suck ass.

Thanks for reading again. Look at you, Purple already... Becoming a fixture around here? Is that you in your avatar or some UK celeb I have no idea on?

Thanks... James


James, Thanks for the read. I don't know how I would end the story with Chad... He is dead. I have had quite a few complaints about him talking to himself. It's one of those things that I stuck to because i think it was more realistic for a guy who cuts himself off from the world. Which really was his demise in the first place. The girlfriend subplot was just improved IMO, if you read earlier comments, she did come kinda out of the blue (This is second draft now)

I'll check out one of your scripts in the next couple days....  Holy Shit you've got alot, Which one would you like me to check out?          James (Yes, that's my name too, now i know who stole the "James" username)

James,

You're a witty man.
Myself and my buddy differ over many things. However, on that bit about Night then Later I am almost certainly right. Darn, I can't even say I'm absolutely certain when I am. Must. Develop. Spine.

Revision suck many things. However, yours worked well, keep at them, that's when the story gets good.

Welcome for the read. Enjoyed it and glad to be of help.
Yeah, I spend way too much time on here. Obviously they'll be offering a Mod job soon. Sadly, I'm a rocker at heart.

For clues on the avatar watch 'Amelie'.

My first name? It's...

Quoted from jwent6688 James, Thanks for the read. I don't know how I would end the story with Chad... He is dead. I have had quite a few complaints about him talking to himself. It's one of those things that I stuck to because i think it was more realistic for a guy who cuts himself off from the world. Which really was his demise in the first place. The girlfriend subplot was just improved IMO, if you read earlier comments, she did come kinda out of the blue (This is second draft now) I'll check out one of your scripts in the next couple days....  Holy Shit you've got alot, Which one would you like me to check out?          James (Yes, that's my name too, now i know who stole the "James" username)

Hey James. Sorry for stealing the username, haha. There weren't too many James's around when I first registered.

Anyway, what I meant by ending with Chad was just having him there, not neccesarily having him alive and talking. These government guys could easily find him. He's not disintegrated or anything, is he? I mean, the TV's still running.

You can also have Chad talking to himself. I just don't think he'd do it to the extent he does now. You don't need to force the exposition. Some of it can be inferred. It's usually best when the audience is able to figure out some for themselves.

As for an exchange, I could still use a few reads for Little Japan In Big Trouble. Or you could dig up an old crusty one if you like but not all of them are great, haha. Any of the shorts will do, really.

Hey James.

Good rewrite. Here are some suggestions to further sharpen your script:

> No need to use "beat" for a pause. This is a style perference. You do like to use them, though so be careful of overuse.

> Name the ex-girlfriend. It'll add a human element to Chad's character.

> Tell us it's the father in the picture. Perhaps in the dialog, "Dad, I..." Again it'll add to the character.

> Wasn't there a family event mentioned in the prior version of his mom's telephone message? Add it back, please. Not only was it funnier when Chad said "Fuck no" it adds to (guess what?) the character.

> The general talks too much. "Generally", the reader slows down when reading long lines of dialog. Or at least, they think, OMG how much do I have to read now?

> "The unseen jet roars by" is good description. But wouldn't you hear the jet before  the bomb? Not vice versa.  I'm not sure what is acoustically correct. Just saying.

Hope these suggestions help.

Gary

Gary, thanks for checking this out. As far as beat for a pause, I really don't know the difference. I only use them in action sentences because i think actors/actresses would know when to pause.

I like not having a name for the ex, if anything i could have her name atop the text message he's getting ready to send, but she's not really the focal point.

I think you would get it's his father on film,,, with the old photo, the way he speaks to it..  At least an important elder relative. I can't explain everything.

I didnt change the MOM (V.O.) it's exactly the same as original. I think this would be more understanding on screen... i.e. The tone of her voice, her age would be evident, we would assume mom or another elder relative... Good enough for me.

The general does talk alot, but would it be too much for the viewer? Listener? As the bio-hazard team examines his basement? I'm not sure.

I've posted earlier, as an avid fan of U.S. military that if there was a pre-emptive strike it would have probably came from high altitude.  i put in a low flying jet to add drama, in which case i was thinking missile (ahead of the jet).

Thanks for the read, i seem to disagree with you completely. I will read one of yours. I don't think we see the same...  Tx....   James

Very depressing.

You right your action lines very well. Especially if this your first script. When Chad talks about his former girl I felt it was a bit forced. It didn't feel as though he was talking to himself. Maybe explain it visually. In flashbacks?

This is a long shot, but was his mom on that crashed plane?

James >> OK to disagree. You obviously thought my points through. That's a good thing for us novice writers do -- be open to suggestions.

Gary

Gary, again thanks for the read and suggestions. I'll check out some of your work soon. Then you can disagree with my suggestions.                                                 Tony, were you drunk when you read this? Saw the post @ 2:48am. There is no plane crash btw. Its a military strike. Since you wrote "right well" instead of "write well". I came to the conclusion that u had been tipping back a few?   ....James

Hi James. I read this again. I thought you'd changed it somehow but it read the same.
I stand by my previous post on page 2 that i liked it.
I would love to see it expanded into a black comedy if you choose that option. Cheers and good luck.

Stevie, thanks for reading it again, I remember you being one of the few who didn't have any problems with it so I guess i didn't add much to it for you. I just changed a few subtle things... Dog not caged, made him seem a little more broke, tried to introduce his ex-girlfriend a little early on with the txt. Anyways, glad you liked it cause I'm done with it. moving on to other things for now. Tx....     James

What a cool idea. I really enjoyed this one.

I never read the logline to this so I thought it was just a slice of life reality peiece involving an alcholic. So when Lady gets put outside and you then you have BOOM! I was quite shocked then loved how the story just spun off in a totally diffent direction.

Chad and all the dialouge felt very real, so great job on that.

I've honestly got nothing bad to say about this one.

This is one that deserves to picked up by a producer.

and what's this up above about Slabby tanked up on liquor wnen he adds a post to these message boards.

No matter what message board you go to, there's always a drunk on board with a beer in one hand and the mouse in the other.  

Tonka, glad you enjoyed this one. I think you're the first person to read the revision who hadn't read the first draft. Since you seem to have now problems with it I can only think I made it a little better. Much thanks to previous suggestions I got from people on here.

I'd love to see this get produced, then again, who wouldn't like to see their scripts turned into film.

Anyways, thanks for the read, I'll check your script out soon...              James

This was an ok short. You might want to dramatize his desperation a little more by having him run out of smokes in the morning and lightening a butt out of the ashtray or something. You could also have flashbacks of him and the ex fighting in a bar accompanied by a VO of him describing the relationship. Apart from that it was pretty good. The only line that seemed on the nose to me was the bit that said: He tries to pick her up but drops her after noticing the unlife like stiffness in her body. I would've written: He tries to pick her up but drops her when he notices that rigourmortis has set in.  Or he tries to pick her up but drops her when he notices she’s dead. Unlife isn’t even a word is it?

Chris, you bring up some good points. "Un-life like" is not a word. I am not a very good writer, I'll admit that. More of an idealist. That's why I am trying to write screenplays. Because, other than your dialogue, you don't have to be a beautiful writer. Which I am not. To me it's all how you show the story. You knew what I meant, but at the same time you are right. I do need to work on this to look professional.

They wouldn't have fought in a bar, that's where they got along. They fought at home alone like the rest of us.

I do like the butt in the ashtray scene though, unfortunately I had him walk in with a carton in the first scene. Not that i couldn't change it anyways.

Thanks for the suggestions... I think this piece needs work, but at the same time, I don't think it would ever get filmed. Love to see it, but it was a short I came up with strictly to post here and get some comments on my writing. I'm glad i did cause i've learned a great deal from it.... Thanks...  James

Hey, James. This was a nice little short, above average. I don't think this script needs a whole lot of attention, it was done very well. To tell you the truth I don't really have any suggestions at all. I liked that you hinted at a woman in Chad's past without revealing anything about her except that she liked to drink with him. And then having Chad believe alcohol and cigarettes would kill him before he gets the short end of the stick with some terrorist plot to destroy Cleveland (though I have to ask, would they really target Cleveland?)

Nice work, can't wait to read more from you.

James

James, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it. I'm sure the terrorists would prefer NY, LA, DC... Was kinda thinking maybe they go after a city with much less security for a change. I timed it during the NBA conference finals that took place here this year. Could have lied and said the president was attending, which he did not... Anyways, you've got a valid point there.

Working on two shorts now. I've enjoyed wallowing in the mild success of this piece for a spell. Time to get something new on the board for the reality check. I should have two twenty pagers up in the next couple weeks... Hope you like vampires.  

James

James

I enjoyed the original draft so I said I'd have a look at this.

Like the original I really enjoy your dialogue, very natural and realistic. The structure and sequenceing of this story feels more self assure and organised, so a marked improvement there.

I think you shoul capitilise "explosion" I know, a  very minor detail but cos its such an important event within the story, it could get lost among the text. Inyour defense though you've taken more time to describe the immediate aftermath of the event thus giving us more to go on. The whole "dirty bombs" scenario caught some people unaware the last time, making unsure of how to react to the story.

What does "counter back splash in frustration" mean?

I realise the Chad talking to himself and his dead pet scenes are the core of the piece as reality of his situation dawns on him. Although the majority of it works and provides some moving moments and significant revelations, that Chad had been married once, had a wife who drank as nmuch as he did and was in the army (presuming that is him in the photo as you don't specify) To your credit we do learn a lot about Chad's background and history in those few short lines. However I did find some of the lines a little suspect, maybe a bit to much talking to himself at times, in particular the "Nobody's ever going to date me" line. I think "Nobody's ever going to want to be with me, or get to know me or put up with me" would be more suitable. I dunno maybe its just a cultural thing, Americans do say date more than Europeans "date" just seemed odd to me, a little adolescent if you know what I mean? Having said all that I do see this as merely a device you were using to fill in the blanks for the audience and with only one character, voiceover would have been the common option to take, so this was a refreshing change in that respect.

Overall this was a superior draft, James, well done. A lot tighter, more focused, great closing line too in light of what the righteous Greer was saying on the TV. As I said when commenting on the last version I loved the knock on tragedy of ones seemingly harmless actions and what they can ultimately lead to. Between not paying the electricity bill so he believed that was why the power was cut, the phone not charging, leaving out the dog, not going out with his friends or going away for the weekend with his family, instead staying in his basement.

Of course the common denominator of all this was his drinking problem which can be held both directly or indirectly responsible for all of he above things. Some might say the chemical warfare is a bit much, a bit too far out but such is drama and creating it for the reader. In regards the story I think it works and would make for  decent piece of film. Plus its probably not all that of an implausibilty given our current times.

A vastly improved rewrite, good work.

Col.

Col, thanks for revisiting my little script.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Like the original I really enjoy your dialogue, very natural and realistic. The structure and sequenceing of this story feels more self assure and organised, so a marked improvement there.

Thanks, I had a great deal of help from people on this site in tightening it up. I'm glad it read better.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 What does "counter back splash in frustration" mean?

A counter back-splash is like a line of tile or granite that mates the counter to the wall. Sorry, guess I shouldn't have gotten too fancy on that.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 was in the army (presuming that is him in the photo as you don't specify)

Was really rtying to get that it was a late relative that he was close with. His father is what I was shooting for on that. Maybe "old black and white photograph" would've worked better??

Quoted from Colkurtz8 "Nobody's ever going to want to be with me, or get to know me or put up with me" would be more suitable.

I agree. The"nobody's ever gonna wanna date me" line is a hair on the chldish side.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Of course the common denominator of all this was his drinking problem which can be held both directly or indirectly responsible for all of he above things. Some might say the chemical warfare is a bit much, a bit too far out but such is drama and creating it for the reader. In regards the story I think it works and would make for  decent piece of film. Plus its probably not all that of an implausibilty given our current times.

The way he died is just how my mind works, Just trying to dream up some original way to see things. Most people wouldn't expect that which is what I was shooting for. But your are quite right about the drinking. That was what got him overall. Because he was so drunk and passed out he never heard the explosion/sirens. Or his phone ring one last time.

again, thanks for checking it out. Gonna have to post something else up here soon. I've see you've got some new work on the board... You'll bbe getting my comments soon.                  

James

James

"I've see you've got some new work on the board... You'll bbe getting my comments soon."

-- If you are referring to "Do You Have A Clubcard?" thats been up since March, feel free to take a look though whenever you find the time, cheers.

Col.                  

Hey James,

Just finished SMNC. Kinda found it a mixed bag. I did like it over all but some of it just didn't sit well.

My main complaint is that I don't buy it Chad wouldn't figure out sometime was awry when he went to the backyard. I know he was shocked andgrieving but it seemed too much.

His monologue was a little to on the nose for me. If the picture is not himand maybe his father or something, maybe it would work better if he addressed the picture as if it was his father. If it was of him at an earlier age, maybe if SHE was in the picture, he could be "talking" to her.

Where is the interview taking place. Is it on the street or a sit down 60 minutes type interview or a press conference. Inside the time frame, a press conference would seem the most likely approach. Multiple reporters and such.

In the interview, about the evacuation... I tend to look to far into the movie outside of the movie but how cell phones and weather horns could for the most part get most of the residents out but not the terrorists. Actually the interview (which is very very long) is pure exposition.  It should be condensed and would seem less expositional if there was a little conflict there. The reporter more probing. The general more agressive and bullying.

Anywho, overall not too bad.

Quoted from Souter Fell My main complaint is that I don't buy it Chad wouldn't figure out sometime was awry when he went to the backyard. I know he was shocked andgrieving but it seemed too much.

Fair enough, i looked at chad, hungover and not completely coherent, blaming himself for her death. Leaving her out all night. And what does a drunk do while depressed??? Get drunker.

Quoted from Souter Fell His monologue was a little to on the nose for me. If the picture is not himand maybe his father or something, maybe it would work better if he addressed the picture as if it was his father. If it was of him at an earlier age, maybe if SHE was in the picture, he could be "talking" to her.

It was his father, I realize now I didn't convey that to the audience that well. on film i think it would have been easier to distinguish.

Quoted from Souter Fell Where is the interview taking place. Is it on the street or a sit down 60 minutes type interview or a press conference. Inside the time frame, a press conference would seem the most likely approach. Multiple reporters and such.

He was watching CNN when the power went out. CNN when it came back on. I pictured a sit-down. Don't think it would have much effect on the scripts either way.

Quoted from Souter Fell In the interview, about the evacuation... I tend to look to far into the movie outside of the movie but how cell phones and weather horns could for the most part get most of the residents out but not the terrorists. Actually the interview (which is very very long) is pure exposition.  It should be condensed and would seem less expositional if there was a little conflict there. The reporter more probing. The general more agressive and bullying.

The interview is what it is, it's the entire story for the most part. i've gotten some compliments on it and some ridicule. I thought the reporter did a good job of not letting the general avoid the fact that they dropped a bomb on American soil.

Anywho, i owe you a read. Will be returned shortly. ...    James

Well. This caught be by surprise. At first I thought it would be a basic slacker drama - miserable drunk, no life, and the usual self pitying narrative you get in stories about people you don't care about.

Then it changed direction completely. Good one. If I were sitting in a cinema watching this, I go whoa! Which is what I did when I read it.

But I didn't feel that it then developed the idea. He wakes up - and I am not sure he would have slept through it anyway, however drunk, but skip that - and finds the poor old dog dead. He sits about being self pitying. Then he dies.

The explanation behind what happened is well thought out and works on a real level - though I doubt, even in a best case senario, that he'd be the only victim - and wouldn't the area be crawling with helicopters and military. He is able to bury the dog and go back in doors without even hearing sounds of the military services. The General's dialogue on the TV also may go on a bit too long - perhaps it needs to get to the point quicker!

I had visions of this developing in a very different way - more along lines of the film "Right at your door" as Chad finds himself in the middle of a terrorist attack. I would like you to have shown a character progression, a change taking place. So Chad, through his experience, would alter, gain a new perspective on a life he has wasted, and come through it a changed man. Instead he dies, still a self pitying whiner, not even aware of what is happening because he is so self absorbed.

Still the twist at the start was very good and made a change from a twist at the end!

Quoted from Niles_Crane The explanation behind what happened is well thought out and works on a real level - though I doubt, even in a best case senario, that he'd be the only victim - and wouldn't the area be crawling with helicopters and military. He is able to bury the dog and go back in doors without even hearing sounds of the military services. The General's dialogue on the TV also may go on a bit too long - perhaps it needs to get to the point quicker!

You could be very right about that. Nothing like this has ever really happened here so I don't know how the news or military would react to it. helicopters flying everywhere? possibly. Probably be alot of military vehicles driving around also. As far as sleeping through it, i can still buy that. I've had to pull some of my friends out of the pub before and i've seen how the body can just completely shut down after too many shots. I think you could set these people on fire and they wouldn't even know it.

Quoted from Niles_Crane I had visions of this developing in a very different way - more along lines of the film "Right at your door" as Chad finds himself in the middle of a terrorist attack. I would like you to have shown a character progression, a change taking place. So Chad, through his experience, would alter, gain a new perspective on a life he has wasted, and come through it a changed man. Instead he dies, still a self pitying whiner, not even aware of what is happening because he is so self absorbed.

I need to go rent "Right At Your Door" It's been referenced to this by several people. As far as the character progression, that was not what i was shooting for. If he progressed and changed I think he would have found a way to live. Maybe put down the bottle for a spell. I just needed to watch somebody die. It was the shitty state of mind i was in when i wrote it. He is a self pittying whiner, but is it really whining if you don't ask someone else to listen????

Quoted from Niles_Crane Still the twist at the start was very good and made a change from a twist at the end!

I'm glad you liked that part, most people were caught off guard and i'm happy that i accomplished that in a 9pager. Everyone here is a twist sniffer. They can see it coming a mile off.

Thanks for the read, looking forward to more of yours.... James

Talk about going off at a tangent!

I had no idea what the premise of this short was to be. I was maybe expecting some morality tale, and although I suppose in a way it was. I loved the fact that it veered off in a completely different direction.

Great work, and a very enjoyable read.

Craig

Craig, i glad you liked it... It was an extreme "veer". Some people liked it, some did not. But it was my intention to find a way for this guy to die uner extraordinary circumstances thet were, after all, his own fault.

Glad you enjoyed the read, After this OWC hubbub, I will get to one of yours...


Thanks, James

Hi James, just read your script. Thanks for the feedback on mine.

I liked your writing and I prefer the new title to what you previously had. Matches the genre a bit more I think.

The story itself is good but I think it suffers a little as a script. The main problem is that Chad is the only 'onscreen' character for long, long periods. The problem with that is that some of the dialogue ends up sounding false. Page 6/7 is the part that this is the case for me.

Another slight problem is that you have long conversations on the telephone and on the television. You have to really make the dialogue for those parts amazing to keep your audiences attention. I would look to trim them down or intercut them with some onscreen action.

One idea, if you would be happy to extend this, is to have a dual storyline - the terrorist attack and Chad. That way we would get all the information we need and you could maybe Fade Out after Chad finds his dog and maybe starts coughing up blood himself. Just a thought...

Anyway, I did like this. Could just use a bit more work.

Ste

Ste.. Thanks for giving it a read. Thought you would enjoy it a little more than you did.

I've already revised and don't plan on doing it again. Some people really like it, Some think it's quite ordinary.

Quite fond of it meself... Maybe cuz I wrote it???

Comes down to difference of opinion. I really like the way it plays out. It shocked a good deal of people cuz the terrorist strike came outta nowhere. I can honestly say nobody saw it coming. I know it's heavy dialogue, but its just a 9 pager bout a drunk talking to himself and forgetting bout the rest of the world.

Your piece was far superior... I just thought you may enjoy a unique way for a drunk to kill himself... By being a drunk.

You're the first to bring up a dual storyline... I don't like it. I didn't want to give explanations til the very end. It is just a 9 pager. I couldn't see it getting more interesting if I extended it. I really just needed to kill a drunk.

Thanks for the looksee...

If I ever sober up, i will be glad to look at your other scripts... But I have much American Football to watch today. That always comes with a price... On Monday.

Cheers...      James

Quoted from jwent6688 Thought you would enjoy it a little more than you did.

I did enjoy it mate. I was only really commenting on the things that I thought could use some work.

Anyway, enjoy the football! I've just missed the best game of the season because I'm stuck at work on a Sunday!! Shouldn't be allowed, I tells ye.

Quoted from stebrown Anyway, enjoy the football! I've just missed the best game of the season because I'm stuck at work on a Sunday!! Shouldn't be allowed, I tells ye.

Come on... You lads don't work on Sunday. It's a holy day. For pints and pigskin. BTW, pretty sure the FUTBOLL you're talkin bout is quite different from mine. Love makin european friends... You guys have truly expanded my vocabulary. Well.. At least I'm getting better feel for UK slang. Cheers. twat. - I seriously have no idea what that word means.

Fucksticks.

This story confused me a little bit.  It's like you started one story and then decided to finish it with another.  Why would you spend so much time developing Chad's character when you're only going to end it in a meaningless way?  You did a lot with him in only a few pages, and had a character that you could've written a feature length script about him.  And you wasted him.

I disagree with the Army's 'last resort' in their situation.  Why not just take out the driver?  They should have enough sharpshooters for this job.


Phil

Phil, thanks for reading. This was my first short. Was trying to find an original way for a drunken procrastinator to die.

Quoted from dogglebe Why would you spend so much time developing Chad's character when you're only going to end it in a meaningless way?  You did a lot with him in only a few pages, and had a character that you could've written a feature length script about him.  And you wasted him.

It was meant to be a sad piece. I wanted the audience to like him. He's a good guy with a drinking problem in a bad situation. The whole story wasn't about him. Just how things set-up. The disconnection notice, the power outtage, the dead cell phone, him passing out wasted. All the things that happened in seuquence for him to die.

Quoted from dogglebe I disagree with the Army's 'last resort' in their situation.  Why not just take out the driver?  They should have enough sharpshooters for this job..

There's a point nobody's brought up til now. Very arguable. But that just wouldn't make good film.

I tried to get it to play as if the military just got wind of this info while the attack was already in progress. It was a suicide mission. If they new the exact route and had time to set-up their sharp shooters then maybe they would've gone that route.

I just believe they wouldn't even take their chances letting this truck get anywhere near a populated area. They were willing to accept some small collateral damage to stop it.

You'd have to figure if the sharp shooters weren't dead nuts first time (It does read terrorists) on killing both they would detonate.

I like it. Some didn't. Some did. I thought it was quite a bit different from many of the shorts you read on here and I'm proud of that.

Thanks for the input Phil

James,

You're an excellent writer, and the story for me works - I love the fact that someone's main flaw does them in not in the way we expect, but by being unaware or unprepared...

It seems as though this was your aim, so you succeeded in large part - however, there are some "devil's in the details" moments here:

First, cap the sound effects of the explosion and the jet - you really need to hammer us with how large this is...

Second, I would have had Chad's mom say "hi hon, it's Mom" because only the reader knows who it is then. Also, I get the sense that Chad owns the house and lives alone, so it was odd for me to find him drinking and watching TV in a basement? That's usually reserved for momma's boys that aren't out of the house yet...

The last thing that Phil brought up? Yeah, it's a concern. I was thinking that with the intel as good as it is nowadays there would have been no way the terrorists could make it to a major city without us knowing.

The fix? Maybe the army has the terrorists boxed in about a mile from their destination. In the interim they go around and try to evacuate people, but as we know, Chad is dead to the world, so to speak. And then the terrorists blow themselves up when it becomes apparent they can't reach their destination?

Other things? It's fine as it is, but if you ever re-visited it I would like to see him look at a picture of the girl that left him, maybe a memory flash or even a flashback (I love flashbacks - most people don't).

I know, a lot of comments - but actually I liked it very much overall. Nice job with this.

Anthony

farking Phil, ask a little hand puppet to read your script and he finds the tiniest hole, plugs a wedge in it, and hammers it home.

That's what I expect from good writers. You picked up on it also.

AJ, thanks for the read. I thought this fucker was air tight. Guessed wrong.

First, the air strike. I hate to reference this for any reason, but I think we all know US gov't was scrambling fighters during 9-11. For the specific reason of shooting down a commercial air-liner.

I reallly thought this would be their most likely and most effective response in this situation. I failed to convey the rural atmosphere i was thinking of. Everyone's yard is an acre or more. Chad's the same. The gov may not think twice to strike out there.

Like I said, Arguable...

Chad's mom's phone call should be fixed, I agree, Thanks for the heads up on the explosion.

The picture was supposed to be his father. Deceased. I didn't convey that well, you're not the first.

And the finale... Your suggestion... Love it! The thing is I wanted this to be a piece where nobody knows what happens til the end. Referencing a gunfight/standoff with police over the tele at the end would be even more talky. It struggles to hold on as it is IMO. If I were to lengthen this, I just may damn well use that, And offer you no credit for it. :-)

Heh, it's showbiz right? or just a bunch of turds sitting around on their laptops...

Great feedback, you will get more from me assured.


james

Hey James.

Just Read "Sumthymes". Got chills bro.

Real, very real. Had to read it again.

Got more so. If dis is ur 1st. shot, man you're in the gold circle!

Liked it.

Bit jealous now.

Wish I could only.....maybe one day........ if it ever comes.
Em

Emcee,

Thanks for the read. I was impressed with yours, moreso trying to understand it with the xtra comments.

I wrote this awhile agoes. Almost a year. But me first post ever. So am proud of it. Mostly good reviews.

The way you talk, I have no idea if you're being honest or sarcastic. Either way I luv to read it.

You should check out rendevous' work. I think you two's would find the same language or the like.

Absomutely no sarcasm meant. All honest stuff.

Em.

Em, regardless, I will look for more of your work. PM me if ya'd like me to read something

James

Hey James.

Gotta a new'un poaching right now. Crashing through de cranium.

Hate this stage. Can't sleep, thinking, juxtaposing, actually just posing. But no, is dare any udders in the great void of S.S. dat suffer similarlee.

When I get it down ( should/could be IF) I'll tip you the wink, nod the ol' swede. your way.

Gotta get it dunn b4 it does me.

Need help. Lots.

Em.

Hey James, just finished reading this one and got a few comments.

Great dilemma you give to the authorities here… sacrifice a few innocent civilians for the greater good... tough decision... strong conflict.

This is clearly a cautionary tale. If I understood correctly, you want to convey that drinking can disconnect you from reality, and that can have tragic consequences. That’s cool. I enjoyed this piece.

Story wise, the only thing that sticked out for me was that falling victim of a terrorist attack is not a common consequence of excessive drinking. I do follow the logic of this tale, and I can understand why this happens to your protagonist but...

The thing is that there are lots of people who don’t drink and die on terrorists attacks, and a lot of drinkers that never fall victim of terrorism. The set up of this story (heavy drinker) doesn’t seem to click very well together with its resolution (being a terrorist casualty).

The causality is all there, but for a cautionary tale, some more connective tissue seems to be missing in order for the audience to say "Aha! That's what happens when you drink!"

This tale is what it is though, and this is the story you wanted to tell so, rewrite suggestions are out of the question. This is just an honest impression which I’m telling you for you to, maybe, have in mind for future projects.

I do have a couple of suggestions that could be easily incorporated if you find it useful.

The last scenes, in which the protagonist is dead, and we hear all that information from a news reporter on TV... It gets the job done, but the scene does seem a bit dry (just the facts).

Perhaps instead of having the character dead you could have him dying and conscious enough to process what’s happening. So we still get all the information and we get to see some emotional response in the protagonist.

Also the scene when the protagonist speaks to himself... it gets the job done feeding us with vital information about his backstory, but I wonder if there’s a better way to get this point across. Since there’s nobody there to listen to the protagonist, it kind of becomes obvious that this speech is being given for the audience’s benefit.

Maybe you could dramatize the scene and relay this information through conflict? Lame example: He talks about the subject with one of his drinking buddies. They have opposite views about this issue so a discussion ensues. And, indirectly, through each side’s arguments we learn about the underlying facts generating this discussion.

Hope you find these notes useful. Best of luck.  8)

Matias, huge thanks for giving this a read, and detailed review

Quoted from Mr.Z This is clearly a cautionary tale. If I understood correctly, you want to convey that drinking can disconnect you from reality, and that can have tragic consequences. That’s cool. I enjoyed this piece.

That pretty much sums it up, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Mr.Z The thing is that there are lots of people who don’t drink and die on terrorists attacks, and a lot of drinkers that never fall victim of terrorism. The set up of this story (heavy drinker) doesn’t seem to click very well together with its resolution (being a terrorist casualty). The causality is all there, but for a cautionary tale, some more connective tissue seems to be missing in order for the audience to say "Aha! That's what happens when you drink!"

Gonna completely agree with your logic there. My theme was not so much "If you drink, you might be befallin' to a terrorist attack". It was more so that even if you isolate yourself, the world outside will still find a way to get you. It was also Chad's character flaw that did him in. He was a good guy, but a procrastinator. He knew he had to turn his life around, just wasn't ready.

Definetly wasn't trying to make a piece where people say "Aha! That's what happens when you drink!" Those have been done a thousand times and, frankly, I'm quite bored of them. I think most adults know the life effects alcohol can have on them. I'm not an accomplished enough writer to make another that holds interest IMO

Quoted from Mr.Z Perhaps instead of having the character dead you could have him dying and conscious enough to process what’s happening. So we still get all the information and we get to see some emotional response in the protagonist.

I really liked the timing of the ending. When the power comes on. They turn off the T.V. right when he says "No casulties". Only to realize, there is one.

Quoted from Mr.Z Also the scene when the protagonist speaks to himself... it gets the job done feeding us with vital information about his backstory, but I wonder if there’s a better way to get this point across. Since there’s nobody there to listen to the protagonist, it kind of becomes obvious that this speech is being given for the audience’s benefit.

You're not the first to complain about this scene. It was supposed to be a photo of his dead father he was talking to. I didn't convey that very well. I think on film it would work better.

Quoted from Mr.Z Maybe you could dramatize the scene and relay this information through conflict? Lame example: He talks about the subject with one of his drinking buddies. They have opposite views about this issue so a discussion ensues. And, indirectly, through each side’s arguments we learn about the underlying facts generating this discussion.

A good suggestion. I've not given much thought to this one of late. Was posted some time ago. Was moreso written to try to throw a curve ball at everybody here and also make it air tight. Many people like to tear apart the logistics of your story, myself included.

If I ever do revisit this, it would only be to ressurect Chad's character. I would probably lengthen it, remove the terror plot, and have him find his way out of his self made hell. Probably be feature length to get it done right.

What I meant to say is I'm not going to enter this short in any contests, but if I ever decided to, I would take your suggestions seriously. I think your a good writer and value your opinion. Thanks again...

James

Hi James, I think I've read this a long time ago but never got to comment on it.

My first feeling is the first half doesn't match with the second half. I suppose your real story is the bombing of the suburb, but how does the first part about Chad drinking and smoking and not going out at night relate to it?

Another problem is the conversation on TV for the last 3 pages. Doesn't work at all to engage the audience. Gotta find some other ways to put all those exposition out.

My suggestion, although it may change your story, is that start with the news that there will be bombing and then show how Chad deals with it along with Lady. This way the Chad part will be more organic to the bombing incident.

On the other hand, the writing is not bad.

Herman

Herman, thanks for the read.

Quoted from Coding Herman My first feeling is the first half doesn't match with the second half. I suppose your real story is the bombing of the suburb, but how does the first part about Chad drinking and smoking and not going out at night relate to it?

It's absolutely necessary IMO. He passes out drunk, doesn't hear the explosion. Doesn't hear the sirens. When he comes to he thinks the power company shut him off because of the "Disconnect Notice" in the beginning, so he doesn't suspect anything unusual has happened.

Quoted from Coding Herman Another problem is the conversation on TV for the last 3 pages. Doesn't work at all to engage the audience. Gotta find some other ways to put all those exposition out.

I think the T.V. conversation works great. It may be a little long, but it sounds like the general is being grilled pretty good by the reporter IMO. It is expositional. They're talking about what just happened.

Again, This was my first ever short. It's not without faults. I've revised it once. Probably won't do it again, lest it garners some interest from someboady.

Thanks for the read. If you like me to look at something sometime, just PM me.

James

Cavs in the Eastern Finals, huh?  I didn't know you had it in you to write some hardcore science fiction.  Oh, wait a second.  This was posted in '09.  Makes more sense now.  :-)

But a lot more people attend football games and more damage could have been done at a football game rather than basketball.  The terrorists should've waited until the Browns made it to the AF-  (nevermind.  I won't even finish that one)

What's up, James?

Did you just add this story recently to your 'My Scripts' link in your sig?  I just checked to see if you've written anything new that got by me in the portal, and I never remembered seeing this one there before.

This one was good.  I kind of wanted to see Chad either lift himself out of his funk to inspire others or destroy himself maybe to teach a lesson of some sort.  But this is good, and, strangely, I do like where you went with it.  How he was so oblivious and selfish and worried about himself, he didn't notice anything going on around him.  Not even a counter-terrorism attack.  I must admit, that does teach a lesson, and it really does show how wrapped up we can get in ourselves.  I'm not going to go as far to say that this story is definately believable or that it felt very real, but you definately make an interesting and valid point with it.  At least that's what I took away from it.

The whole thing with the T.V. interview at the end felt really expository and a little on the nose, but I have no idea how you'd be able to get the point across of what actually happened any other way.

I'm usually not one to get into arguments about slugs.  As long as I can follow the settings and the flow of the story, I don't even address them.  But there was a part I had to go back and reread 2 or 3 times because I wasn't following the slugs very well.  From the bottom of page 3 through pretty much all of page 4.  I think it's just too many jumps and, all the nights were very repetive.  The way I read it at first, I thought Chad let Lady out the backyard and he passed out outside while letting her out.  Then, he all of a sudden woke up in the basement or something.  I mean, I got the gist of it after I reread it a couple times, but it was still confusing and was probably the only thing that slowed down an otherwise smooth read.

Anyway, good job on this.

I think there was another story on your 'My Scripts' link that I don't ever remember reading, so you'll probably be hearing from in a couple more days again.

- Mark

Arrrrgh!!!  

I loved the opening James.  There was some real emotional stuff going on there, but then straight out of Fox News comes a thwarted terrorist attack!?  What?!  Dude, that completely ruined it for me.  I was hooked on Chad, felt the pain, felt the affection for his dog that perhaps a shot at living well might be within his grasp, and then anthrax kills him...?!  

Great writing man, seriously, I felt it was tops, but the story sank to the bottom.  

Thanks for drudging up this old relic, Mark. Glad you liked it for what it was. It was the first thing I've ever written and if I had any pride I would go back and give this one a tune up. I understand what you're saying about the slug confusion. I was confused as how to write it.

The ending is chock full of exposition. I could only hope that on film it wouldn't seem as bad. Yes, couldn't figure another way to get the story across that fast. At the time i wrote it, the cavs were playing in the Eastern conference finals. Don't hold your breath about the Browns either. I actually went to the very first Browns game after 9-11. Security was super tight and there were thousands of people waiting at the gate to get in. I kept thinking something bad was gonna happen in that crowd.

Chris, think that's you name?

Thanks for reading, as I said above, this was the first thing I ever posted here. Many people loved the ending, some were with you on it. To me its more about Chad's chosen isolation as a drunk makes him miss these fantastic events which eventually lead to his demise.

It is what it is. Glad you enjoyed the writing. I cringe a bit when I go back and read this now.

James

*SPOILERS*

James, dude, you killed off a German Shepherd!  Never do that to me in a script!!  :))))

Okay, Lady's demise aside (you brute) - enjoyed the script, though I do feel it could be sharpened/tweaked a bit.  

IMHO:

Add a bit more pathos to make us care about what happens to Chad

And I'd personally pare down the interview at the end, and intersperse it more thoroughly with discovery of Chad's body.   That keeps the interest and tension going best.

Oh - and did enjoy the "I'll stop smoking on Monday, too" line.  Nice misdirection...

James, you got it right, Chris.  

Outstanding effort for your first day out.  Most pros I've talked to all say that!  "I look back at my first scripts and just cringe"  how funny...  At the time you write them you're thinking this is the greatest script ever written!  

Quoted from wonkavite *SPOILERS* James, dude, you killed off a German Shepherd!  Never do that to me in a script!!  :)))) Okay, Lady's demise aside (you brute) - enjoyed the script, though I do feel it could be sharpened/tweaked a bit.   IMHO: Add a bit more pathos to make us care about what happens to Chad And I'd personally pare down the interview at the end, and intersperse it more thoroughly with discovery of Chad's body.   That keeps the interest and tension going best. Oh - and did enjoy the "I'll stop smoking on Monday, too" line.  Nice misdirection...

Thanks for the read, Janet. This ones so old to me I forget about it often. Sorry about the dog, I wanted to show how Chad was a drunk, but still loved his pooch. Makes his demise a bit harder to swallow. It was a dark one written in a dark time.

The ending is a bit of a drag. I've re-written this once and don't plan on touching it again lest for some reason it gets interest. But, I would love a better delivery system then just a TV interview. I just couldn't think of one. Thanks again...

James