The Life And Times Of Sparky by Freeman Gudbrand - Short, Drama, Action, Thriller - A tragic script. Quite explicit in language and violence. Do not we all fight the inner violence? 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wasn't this a Disney movie?  ::)

Might be worth getting your hands on some screenplay software just to get the correct formatting sorted out.

Cheers,
Tim.

Freeman

You like to post scripts yet don't answer any comments nor comment on others. However I feel compelled to read them mainly cos they don't go over 4 pages and provide a laugh or two, whether they're intentional or not is another thing.

Yeah, learn how to format dude, clean up your grammar and use "hold" instead of "cuddle" on page 3, its fits better given the situation.

This was the most conventional script of your I've read, all shooting with no laughs, no philosophical musings or hilariously bizarre situations it was all very formulaic thus I was disappointed (although I dug the cigar in Sparky's mouth, very Arnie-like) Go back to your random stuff, Gudbrand.

Get some free formatting software.  It'll help a lot.  In the opening scene, as Sparky leaves the basement and heads out to the shed, that should be a scene change with a new slug line.  Also, your character intros were awkward(female, mid 40's, southern United States).   It would read better if you wrote something like APRIL, early forties, speaks with a thick Southern drawl.  

Other than that, it was a pretty formulaic revenge script.  We didn't learn much about Sparky, April or Leonard.  So it was hard to care what happened to any of them.  I was hoping you'd pull out a twist at the end, but no.  This read like a really rough draft and you need to take a few more stabs at it.

You're an evil twisted S.O.B. Not a bad read.  James

finally gave into the curiousity aroused by the previous comments.  that was pretty special in a special kinda way.  not sure ive ever heard of anyone shooting themselves in the back of the head, but what the hey.

First off, your formatting is off. Download a software I recommend Final Draft 7, but you can also find free software such as scriptbuddy.com Just do a search on google and you will find something. Now onto your script:

You need to put any action in all caps.
Ex. ( All of a sudden there is a gruff cough, this is
SPARKY (male, mid 40's, southern United States). Page 1, Line 2.

"cough" should be capitalized because it is an action.

Pg. 1 Line 5 it should be sitting instead of sat. Make sure to always use present tense when writing a script, not past. Just tell the story as if it is happening in front of you.

Also, your dialogue seems WAY too unrealistic. I wouldn't use so much swear words, especially since they are unnecessary. There are other ways to show anger and frustration.

On page 3, you wrote in your scene heading, INT. A WELL LIT NEW YORK PENTHOUSE – NIGHT.

First off it should just be NEW YOURK PENTHOUSE. The "Well Lit" should be used in your action when your describing the setting.

On a side note, where would Sparky get a hold of a m16? Since he is southern, I think it would be much more realistic if he used something like a shotgun.

Page 3, Line 9 it should be "turns to APRIL..."

Page 3, "LEONARD jumps onto the bed and cuddles APRIL with
fear, she cuddles him back."

If your trying to show fear then I think cuddle is the wrong word of choice. Use something more thrilling like "graps" or "shields".

By the way, the cigar in his mouth makes him seem too much of a badass. Is Sparky not suppose to be a man after revenge?

Page 4, SPARKY
This is madness! Madness?
This is SPARKY!

Please, take this line out. It's just horrible. It completely kills the mood of the script.

Okay. Overall I thought the script was pretty horrible. The story has been told before and has been written better. I hope you learn from your mistakes and remember that in order to get noticed, you have to be original. best of luck.

-Chong

Hmmm.  Goofy story, like chong said, not too original.  I kept waiting for something to stand out, but it never quite arrived.

This script is being produced by a college in Arizona.

I trust that those who insist upon commenting on your scripts will appreciate being snubbed once more.

A simple "thank you" is really quite appropriate.

Congratulations on your success, however.

Quoted from Sparky This is madness!  Madness?  This is SPARKY!

Are they actually keeping this line?

Question... How the hell does Sparkey put a gun to the back of his head?  Shouldn't it be the side of his head? Maybe even under his chin? Why would someone, trying to kill themselves, put the gun to the back of their head...? It's impractical and illogical. Sure, I guess you "COULD" do it, but wouldn't you wanna save yourself the trouble and just do it the old fashioned way?

Besides all that, how the hell did he put the gun to the back of his head and then fall out the window? That makes no sense... If he shot himself in the back of the head, he'd fall forwards to the floor... Not backwards out the window.

This is the last page of your script... Wanna ask me what I thought about the rest of it? Well, I'd have to send it in a PM to save you the embarrassment of humiliation...  Take the advance from up above and put a little more effort into the work you post here.  One bad script is alright, but when you're consistently tossing up bad scripts after bad scripts what are casual readers going to think about the site?

They're gonna think nothing good comes from Simply Scripts and elect never to look for the great material floating around here... Buried underneath the 4 and 8 page epic's you all churn out.

The story offered nothing special. I think it's too short to develop any emotion from the characters. I hardly know about each character before they die.

Story
It's better to show us what happened to Sparky's wife than just having Sparky doing a monologue. I feel everything happens too fast and abrupt in 4 pages. There should be more conflicts and struggles before Sparky has the courage to kill. And what's with the clock that Leonard was talking about? How did that fit into the story?

Characters
Again, I only see that Sparky has become a maniac. I don't know anything about Leonard and April. More interactions between the three would be helpful.

Dialogue
If you showed us instead of telling us, the self-talking speech from Sparky can be cut out. I don't see how people like him would be talking about his miserable life before killing his ex-wife. About the other dialogues, they are okay but the characters seem to be saying what they are going to do. This dampens the effect of the actions.

Writing
Please don't centre-align everything. Your intro to the dark room is good. I can visualize what was going on there. But you need more description about the action as well. Try to use more visual verbs: instead of he walks, you can use he strides; instead of he leaves, you can use he busts out, etc. Make use of spellcheck as well. Otherwise it was an easy read.