Splash! by Michel J. Duthin - Short - The thrilling adventures of Inspector Calvin -- an 8-year old little boy… 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

***some cat out of the bag***





The big stumble for me is the fact that this boy's name is Calvin and for me that means Calvin and Hobbes, who does exactly the same type of imagining. However, when it became "real," it had a good twist, a little bit of Cloak & Dagger feel to it, until I found out that the "real" was not real. I surmise Calvin got a bump on the noggin and dreamed being hunted by Blondie and her male partner.

I saw this as a set up to something bigger, after Calvin gets away from the bad guys in dramatic fashion, of course.

A small point is that I would have like to seen Calvin have a lit cigarette in his lips since I think I heard a match being struck; the smoke curling up over his fedora.

I don't think English is your first language so no comments on that stuff. The pacing was good for me, suspensful, solid images in my mind (the sign was a nice touch), nice word selection.

Thank you for your review. This is true I was inspired a lot by Calvin (and Hobbes) character. I tried something different as a kid story after my latest The Rest Is Silence... and I'm glad you liked it.

Michel 8)

Hey Michel,

Welcome back brother.

Shawn.....><

Hey Michel

Love the transition from imagination to reality and back again, also how you refer to him as Inspector and then just plain Calvin.  It caught me off guard at first but I found it refreshing.

After the man called out Mary, you still refered to her as Blonde woman which was weird but I think I know why you did this, not having them introduced by name and also if I understood the ending right lol.

The chase dragged a little for me and was a bit confusing but it would obviously make more sense on screen.

This was a nice little read Michel, and it's nice to see you back, we're all thinking of you.

Thank you alffy for your reading. I perfectly know that a chase is difficult to describe on the paper. Like you say it's clearer on screen.

I'm glad you liked it.

Michel 8)

Michel

Another kid as a lead character, a typical Michelism (if that can be coined as a term) Good story here, love the intro and how you just laid it out there: This is a spoof, not to be taken too seriously and that’s all there is to it, refreshingly honest.

Like with all your work, the writing is direct, seamless and very readable. Some could say the action scene went on a bit but cause the writing was sharp and terse it didn't matter, it had a page turner quality to it and that’s testament to you ability to write an effective action sequence.

Like Alffy I liked how you went from fantasy to reality then back to fantasy again as it mixes things up visually, whilst bringing the audience up to speed. Also in relation to the "its all just a dream" conclusion we can see that coming chiefly because of this slip in imagination and real world so it allows us just to think about what going on in the script.

Otherwise we would we be thinking, oh he's gonna wake up, it will all be in his mind which I don't think is the point of the script. You let us in on the hoax so we're not waiting for the big twist ending, instead we're enjoying the intense cat and mouse chase scene for what it is. The thrill of stepping inside the mind of a child, going along for the ride with his big dreams and vivid imagination, like an uncensored window into his desires to be this super cool, super slick, respected and feared 1930/40's detective.

Naturally I could be totally wrong in by summation, only the writer can set me straight. But personally I took this as a “what you see is what you get” action piece told cleverly via the over active mind of a child reliving a fantasy through a dream which was suddenly turned on its head to a desperate situation of the chaser becoming the chased. I bet he was glad he woke up when he did, even if it was to the sight of a tramp.

Oh, and what was a young kid like Calvin doing asleep in the middle of an abandoned swimming pool anyway?

A decent little script overall, with a complementary nod to the savvy writing style. Well done.

Col.

Hey Michel,

Very entertaining read, held my attention the whole way through. I definitely thought of 'Calvin and Hobbes' while I was reading this and see that was part of the inspiration, so a fitting tribute.

I also liked the seamless switch from imagination to "reality" to reality which still managed to catch me by surprise at the end.

I wasn't too crazy about these lines of action: "But he didn't see the blonde woman coming around the outdoors bleachers. As he nearly reaches the exit, the blonde woman jumps from the bleachers and lands just in front of the exit." Since the next sentence starts with her jumping out from behind the bleachers, you didn't really give the situation enough time to build suspense. It would've been nice to see a sentence or two in between with him looking over his shoulder thinking he got away while only the reader knows the truth.

Minor nitpick, overall an enjoyable read. Good luck with your work!

Col and bob, thanks for the reading and the reviews. My inspiration for that short was double. Calvin of course and William Irish's novel "Fire Escape".  The location was a real one where I used to leave several years ago.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Another kid as a lead character, a typical Michelism (if that can be coined as a term)

I like the term.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Good story here, love the intro and how you just laid it out there: This is a spoof, not to be taken too seriously and that’s all there is to it, refreshingly honest.

I warned the reader from the start when I said "A TOTAL FILM NOIR CLICHE ATMOSPHERE"

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Like Alffy I liked how you went from fantasy to reality then back to fantasy again as it mixes things up visually, whilst bringing the audience up to speed. Also in relation to the "its all just a dream" conclusion we can see that coming chiefly because of this slip in imagination and real world so it allows us just to think about what going on in the script.

This part has been the hardest to transcribe on the paper. That's why I made the difference through night and day.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 But personally I took this as a “what you see is what you get” action piece told cleverly via the over active mind of a child reliving a fantasy through a dream which was suddenly turned on its head to a desperate situation of the chaser becoming the chased. I bet he was glad he woke up when he did, even if it was to the sight of a tramp.

This is exactly what I wanted to give to the reader.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Oh, and what was a young kid like Calvin doing asleep in the middle of an abandoned swimming pool anyway?

Calvin is not asleep. If you remember at the beginning of the second sequence, he passes through a window and lands on the floor. That's where he's supposed to hit his head and dreams all the rest of the "adventures".

Quoted from Colkurtz8 A decent little script overall, with a complementary nod to  the savvy writing style. Well done.

Thank you.

Quoted from bobtheballa I wasn't too crazy about these lines of action: "But he didn't see the blonde woman coming around the outdoors bleachers. As he nearly reaches the exit, the blonde woman jumps from the bleachers and lands just in front of the exit." Since the next sentence starts with her jumping out from behind the bleachers, you didn't really give the situation enough time to build suspense. It would've been nice to see a sentence or two in between with him looking over his shoulder thinking he got away while only the reader knows the truth.

Like I said before, a chase is difficult to "translate" on the paper. But you're right I should have cut the sentence. Hey, that's why reviews are made for!

Thanks again.

Michel 8)

and . . . . WHOOSH!

This one went straight over the top of my head.

A kid plays in a derelict building, spots a murder, flees from an agressive blonde who wants to murder him, he trips and grazes his knee, then cries home to his mommy. Yah?

Thought this was ordinary, did not enjoy it, the chase was not tense or dangerous or anything like that. Kid just easily lightfooted away from danger until the villians just disappeared. Or maybe the blonde was just a figment of his imagination I'm guessing.

What I did like was the description of the location where the story takes place. Very murky and filthy.  

Quoted from tonkatough WHOOSH! This one went straight over the top of my head.

Sorry you didn't appreciate it.

Quoted from tonkatough A kid plays in a derelict building, spots a murder, flees from an agressive blonde who wants to murder him, he trips and grazes his knee, then cries home to his mommy. Yah?

I'm surprised about that review. It's far more complicated.

Quoted from tonkatough Or maybe the blonde was just a figment of his imagination I'm guessing.

Exactly, all the chase was in his head. Who could do some harm to a kid?

Quoted from tonkatough What I did like was the description of the location where the story takes place. Very murky and filthy.

I used to know this exact location when I was living in Paris.

Anyway, thanks for the reading.

Michel 8)

Michel,

I thought this started out really well.

I don't know Calvin & Hobbes btw as I don't read cartoons or comics...

Some of your scene headings had me confused. Eventually I figured out what they meant, but initially I wasn't sure what you meant.

I would save the word "empty" for the description after the scene heading in the "INT.  EMPTY SWIMMING POOL"  I thought you meant we were inside an empty pool. I did figure it out, but it would still read better if not in the slug. Just MHO of course.

I thought the chase was fine. It moved along at a crisp pace.

I think my main issue with this script was the ending. I didn't care for the "dream" reveal even if it went back again. I was hoping for some other kind of twist. Something really clever which I know you can do.

So, all in all pretty good. Especially in the beginning. Could have more clear descriptions, but I know English is not you native tongue... The ending needs a clever twist, but other than that. Very good.

Pia  :)

Hi Pia,

thank you for your review;

Quoted from Grandma Bear I don't know Calvin & Hobbes btw as I don't read cartoons or comics...

Here's an idea of my main inspiration

Quoted from Grandma Bear I thought the chase was fine. It moved along at a crisp pace.

At last...  ;D

Quoted from Grandma Bear I was hoping for some other kind of twist. Something really clever which I know you can do.

I'll try to do my best next time.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Very good.

Thank you, I appreciate.

Michel 8)

Hi Michel,

Yet again you have delivered another fine, well paced and punchy short.

I loved the descriptions of the scenery where the action takes place, it set a strong mental image.

Congratulations.

Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone Hi Michel, Yet again you have delivered another fine, well paced and punchy short. I loved the descriptions of the scenery where the action takes place, it set a strong mental image. Congratulations. Craig

Thanks Craig for the reading. You can't imagine how good it is when review is so positive  ;D

Michel  8)

Very nice little short, a bit happier ending than your last child.  
You say he's casual in the first couple paragraphs?  Like relaxed?  Since hes still dressed formally.
I don't know if I would use motherfukker or a5shole, since its coming from the mind of a younger kid.  Also most noir movies were made in the time before profanity was acceptable.
IMO I would have another switch back to noir style, even if its right at the end, maybe a quick VO or something to that effect.
Maybe add some basis for his dream, like maybe after he wakes up his mother and father come out of the place, they were the man and woman.  
Good script though, definately a fun idea.

Hey Michel, fun little story.
I agree that maybe changing the kids name would be a good idea, just to keep it as your own thing.  
I think the only issue I have that hasn't already been covered would be the timeline of him bumping his head.  There's never a moment where he falls or almost falls, or a point where the fantasy would start.  Obviously you don't want to make it obvious to the watcher until they are looking back or watching it again.  But in the reality of this script, when does the fantasy start?
also not sure about the title, it doesn't seem to be in the same mood as the rest of it.
Other than that I quite liked it.  It kind of shows you the seriousness of a kids imagination, where life and death are always at stake.  Good luck finding a kid that could portray that.

Ophelia and jackx, thanks for the reading.

Quoted from Ophelia Very nice little short, a bit happier ending than your last child.

Every kids' stories can't be sad :D

Quoted from Ophelia Good script though, definately a fun idea.

Thank you...

Quoted from jackx Hey Michel, fun little story. I agree that maybe changing the kids name would be a good idea, just to keep it as your own thing.

I get what you mean. I wrote that short about 20 years ago in French. Clavin & Hobbes were not as famous as they are today.

Quoted from jackx I think the only issue I have that hasn't already been covered would be the timeline of him bumping his head.There's never a moment where he falls or almost falls, or a point where the fantasy would start.  Obviously you don't want to make it obvious to the watcher until they are looking back or watching it again.  But in the reality of this script, when does the fantasy start?

The story starts when he jumps through the window at the beginning of the sequence in the swimming pool. That's where the tramp will find him at the end.

Quoted from jackx also not sure about the title, it doesn't seem to be in the same mood as the rest of it.

Spash! stands for the swimming pool.

Quoted from jackx It kind of shows you the seriousness of a kids imagination, where life and death are always at stake.  Good luck finding a kid that could portray that.

Believe me I have a living example by my sides... :)

Michel 8)