Daffodils by Anica - Drama - A love story with a tragic ending.  Growing up as neighbors, Allison and James become high school sweethearts and later married. Their love is like no other. The bonds of life they share brought them two children.   87 pages - pdf, format 8)

fixed.

Don

Anica

My eyes hurt... but I felt you needed to know this.

I didn't read the whole script, but I read enough.

Your format is off.

Scripts are written in present tense. "Brad gawks at Sally." Not past tense. "Sally is walking past McDonalds."

Too many gramical errors. Missing periods. Run spell check.

Get rid of all those darn FADE IN's.

CUT TO's... you don't need them unless it's important to your story. One or two at the most.

Your MATCH CUT's... your use of them is all wrong. They don't match anything in your script.

I thought I was reading a book.

These are just a few.

If you have any hopes of getting people to notice your work,  then please take this honest feedback to heart.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck.

Hey Anice

I decided to give this a read over, I'll try not to repeat anything that ghostwriter said.

On the first page, somewhere after Chad speaks you have a good chance to tell us a bit about Allison, how old is she? what does she look like, she wearing a tennis outfit or a sleek black dress? How does she act, is she surprised she won, does she hurry on stage or slouch her way to the podium?

First page - second scene, don't need to caps "ALLISON PULLS INTO THE DRIVEWAY AT HER SISTERS HOUSE TO PICK UP JAKE FROM DAYCARE."
- scripts are mainly visual, so no need for "to pick up jake from daycare" this can be explained to us through dialogue or action
- If this scene is occurs at other points in the script then describe it for us the first chance you get, which is here.

Don't ever end dialogue with a wryly (ex. jumps to bottom & giggles) also you need another scene heading here (Int. living room - continuous) with these you are directing the camera and the way it stands now is, we are looking at Jake and Aggie through the window, when , I'm sure, you wanted us inside the room.



ALLISON
Yes, I'm sure everyone would love
it...
(Tickles Jake)
...Ok buddy, why
don't we get your things together,
we have to meet daddy at the field
for his annual baseball game.

Page 3 - you're missing character names, you only have "Jake . . ."  for dialogue.

I like the moment between James and Allison at the end of page 6.

Couple problems here, first one being I highly doubt any doctor will allow a cancer check to be run on a pregnant woman, and secondly, Allsion having to work while she's pregnant? I think the museum will defenitly put her on fraternity leave.

Page 13, another spot that needs another scene heading

from this point I skipped to the end, this story has good potential, very touching, very emotional. Just take the time and learn the format, re-write and re-write some more and you'll end up with a good script.