Machine Gun Symphony by Michael Joseph Kospiah (spesh2k) - Action - During the summer of 1977 in the crime infested streets of New York City, a homeless subway performer takes a stand and turns vigilante. He becomes a hero but catches the attention of several notorious crime figures. 97 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thought I'd check this one out because the logline caught my attention.

All in all, I have to say that I enjoyed it.  I did have my problems with it, but I'll get to those in a bit.  I think your dialogue was really good, not cliche or anything.  Sometimes when people write "street talk" it just sounds like a mixture of a bunch of popular movies, but this sounded pretty authentic.  I didn't find myself rolling my eyes or anything.  

Your descriptions were also pretty solid.  You avoided large chunks which made for an easy read; especially when it came to the action sequences.

I think, when it boils down to it, my biggest complaint (and I'll get into this when I get into more specifics) is the killing.  It seems like people kill each other (basically everyone in the script) without thinking at all.  It's as if there are absolutely no rules or laws or anything.  I know you have the FBI and cops show up, but it's almost an afterthought.  Everyone conveniently shows up after everything happens.  Also, when you go around killing everyone in your script, when people die, you lose any type of emotional reaction, ya know?

The specifics:

p. 1 - There's a large gap at the bottom

p.1 - "Avert their eyes to the fight"  - seems awkward

p.5 - The line "I remember you" seems weird considering the circumstances (and that he just saw him a few minutes ago)

p.9 - I don't really buy this scene.  I know he runs the bowling alley and that he's a big-wig, but I still think brutally murdering someone in public seems a bit much.  I'd think it'd be more effective in a private bowling alley in his home or something.

p.-15  "...weren't nobody significant.."  -  I like this line a lot but I think you need to change the word significant, as it seems to make it kind of clunky

p.22 -  I like the dialogue about "the thing".  Draws attention to mob stereotypes about how everything is "the thing".  Funny.

p.26 - I really don't buy how easily Noah picked up Adam's wife at the funeral.  I know they're divorced, but she would still be grieving.  I don't know how you can handle it differently, but I'd say you should go about it more like he talks to her and says "I've got information" or something like that.  The flirting seems weird.

p.31 - The scene at the club is a perfect example of what I mean with no cops/law enforcement.  He shoots the bouncer right in front of everyone!  And then no cops come.   I just didn't find it believable.

p.54 - It's at this point, during Noah's speech about Adam, that I wonder why Adam means so much to Noah.  I don't know if you fleshed this out enough.  I know he gave him the hundred, and he talked to his wife, but it seems like he feels connected to him on some other level...I just don't know why.

p.63 - "He inconvenienced me.." - awkward line.  Change "inconvenienced"

p.64 - I like that you didn't show Jack harming Joey.  It created more suspense and impact for his deat.

p.77 - "You don't know what you're dealing with" should probably be "You don't know who you're dealing with."

p.95-96 - The supers at the end are way too long.
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Like I said, I thought it was an interesting enough story.  And I couldn't help but think of Sam Jackson as Noah.  Probably because I was thinking about him as the homeless man in "The Caveman's Valentine".

So yeah, in the end, I think you need to work on bringing a bit more realism to your world; in dealing with the death, law enforcement, etc.  Possibly even add a cop character who's following this case, so we feel like there's some tension there.

Good work.

Thanks for taking out the time to read this Dressel. I see what you're saying about no existence of law enforcement, adding more realism. However, this was meant to be an example of escapism in a way. Wanted it to read like American Gangster (with real life gangsters in it) meets something like Desperado... wanted this to be an over the top, hyper stylized romp. Wanted it to have almost a graphic novel type feel to it, like a Spaghetti Western set in 1977 New York City.

Also, I am working on trimming the SUPERS at the end :) Thanks for the read!

Quoted from spesh2k Wanted it to read like American Gangster (with real life gangsters in it) meets something like Desperado... wanted this to be an over the top, hyper stylized romp. Wanted it to have almost a graphic novel type feel to it.

Ohhh, ok.  Looking at it that way, I can see where you're coming from.  I do think you might want to consider a cop/detective character, but that's just a suggestion.

It's a good thing you've framed it this way now for future readers.

Considering a cop/detective character is good suggestion that I will definitely keep in mind. Thanks again

Spesh2k

Page 30...

At the conclusion of your montage... you have

END MONTAGE

BACK TO SCENE

You don't need both. I'd delete one or the other.

Or you could delete both because you have a new Master Scene Heading following the montage.  I'm thinking it was just an oversight.

As far as the rest of your script, Dressel covered most of it.

I see where your coming from but still... seemed like their was more killing then anything else.

I liked most of the dialogue.

The funeral scene, I didn't buy it.  Maybe you might want to look at re-working it.

These type of scripts, I'm not a big fan,  but It was a quick read.  So I kept going.

Not bad at all.

Thanks for the feedback, already making changes from reviews I've received from this and other websites... a lot of what I thought needed changing is what readers have been suggesting, so that's a good sign. I don't think I'm too far off here...

And Ghostwriter, though you are not a big fan of scripts like this, you kept reading... that's an awesome compliment! It's encouraging to know I'm improving in my craft with each and every script.

I loved your screenplay especialy the ending. I liked that you usued actual event as background. There was a blockouy in 1977 New york. Cool. Try to produce it !

Hey INTS (sorry, don't know your name). Welcome to the boards.

It's great to see you leaving feedback, but keep in mind, this is an old thread and it's unlikely the author is even around to hear your feedback.

It's best to stick to newer threads unless you're sure the author is around, otherwise your feedback will be falling to deaf ears.

Will

Posted this script a long time ago, didn't realize anyone commented on it since 2009 (well, a few months ago). I kind of disappeared from the site for a pretty long time. Not sure if INTS is still around, but thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

It's a high budget affair, so I haven't received many bites on this one. Had some hack producer check this out in 2010. Had a meeting with the guy and everything... he talked a big game and, not only did he have delusions of grandeur to direct this himself (even though he had absolutely no background as a director and no experience behind a camera in any position), but he wanted me to work on some of his ideas. For deferred pay of course. And the treatments he showed me were, not only written poorly, but were handwritten.

And when I found out the guy didn't even own a computer, that pretty much clinched it for me.

I kind of stopped pitching the script since then and moved onto other things (including getting one of my better scripts produced!).

Interesting to see just how much my writing style has changed over the years.

Well, I'm back on the boards, reading, writing and offering my input. If anybody needs some feedback on their scripts, I'm around.

And if you want to check out one of my scripts, I have one called Morphine on the drama page.

-- Michael

Hey Spesh,
Just finished the first ten.  Interested, yes, as always.  Al:  How do I score this?  Classic!  Will read the rest when i have time.  Also have read Morphine and commented.  Loved that one too.
Regards,
Steve

Hey  Steve,

Yes, I remember you commented on Morphine, thanks. As for Machine Gun Symphony, this isn't one of my favorite scripts that I've written. It was a bit of a departure for me, my stronger works are usually much darker and blur the line between reality and fantasy (surrealism I suppose) and are closer to suspense and drama. I guess MGS is a bit of escapism. But still, though I'm a fan of the genre (action/pulp/gangster), it's usually not what I write. But but I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.

-- Michael

Michael,

Finished your script. Definitely had a Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Troy Duffy kind of vibe. I know that might be an odd mix of writers but that's how it read to me. Very quick read. Definitely held my attention the entire time. I personally like the Shoot 'Em Up vibe this had. Very fun. Over all there were a few misspelled words, or words that were left out or needed to be left out but since you had mentioned that this script wasn't your main focus right now I'll forgo a page by page unless you really want it posted here.

I will however mention three things that really stood out to me and almost ruined the overall read.

pg 68 - "As Noah gets to the top of the stairway...BOOM!!! The grenade goes off and flames engulf what was once his apartment. The force of the explosion throws Noah down the stairway." -- Grenades don't normally pack that much explosive in them. Generally they're designed to through shrapnel every which way, not burn out apartments or throw someone down a staircase who has already started down the hall. Even if they used an incendiary grenade it wouldn't have enough thermate in it to engulf an apartment in the time you've specified and it definitely wouldn't throw anyone down a staircase, even if they were standing over it when it went off. I honestly don't think that Jack arranging to have some sort of incendiary device planted in the apartment and splashing a gallon or two of accelerant everywhere is a stretch at all, and it would explain everything going up like it was made out of oily rags.

pg 73 - When Noah uses a cigarette to ignite a bunch of spilled liquor...if a cigarette can't ignite gasoline it sure as hell can't ignite drinking alcohol. Noah could have just as easily seen a pack of matches next to the ashtray which could ignite high proof alcohol.

And lastly...

pg 88 - G****mn it! I really wanted Noah to kill Jack.

These three things aside, I really enjoyed this script. It was a lot of fun. I think one or two of the other posts complained about the over the top nature of it but I enjoyed the hell out it. Kinda wish this was your focus right now. Kept hearing Sam Jackson's voice when I read Noah's lines so now I really want to see this get produced.

Thanks bro... I wrote this such a long time ago... maybe I'll return to it eventually...

Glad you enjoyed it! It did win script of the month on Zoetrope in 2009... it's just that the budget is so high (period piece) and I'm kind of an unproven commodity (working on that)... so I kind of just left this script alone.

I'll get to your script as soon as I can, I got a lot of favors to return with Morphine. I have a comedy Stevie wrote, and yours is after that. Been a crazy week, working on a script that is moving into pre-production immediately, so I'll try to fit you and Stevie's reviews in between all the chaos.

Thanks again.

-- Michael