The Book Keeper by Andrew Lightfoot - ShortHorror-Anime - A man meets a book keeper and his special type of book. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Andrew,

Intriguing little story.

I was watching clips from The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus (it looks fantastic by the way) and they sprang back into mind. Another one was those strange short Hammer horror films.

Not a bad story at all. Loads of imagery and ideas here.

However your writing needs some polishing. I was rereading sentences in an effort to find out what you meant.

Quoted from TBK INT. MARKET STREET-DAY The entire length of the street is congested with an audience of people. Many of the wear oddly shaped and horribly coloured clothing.

Stick a space either side of the hyphen before DAY. It'll look a whole lot better.
I think you meant EXT. rather than int. We're at an outdoor market aren't we? If it's indoor then calling it Market Street rather than GARABALDI'S MARKET or something makes it a little strange, at least to my eyes it does.

I didn't really understand what you meant by the first sentence. I'm getting the image of a large crowd bustling along a street of stalls and tents. Many wear odd and bizarre clothing.

For some reason each page starts with a date and the word page, including your title one, you probably need to adjust your software.

There's a few other things regarding grammar and the like that need fixing. But, either way, I quite enjoyed it.


Some strange things with the dates and the numbers on the top of the pages.

[bound to contain SPOILERS]

Hello, Andrew!

I just read this little Short of yours. Here are my thoughts:

First thing's first, there's a typo on your first page. This is never a good sign. Fix it.

I thought the story read like an R.L Stine book, but it was set in a Fantasy universe. I can see why you pictured it as anime. Now, there was an attempt to create a very vivid atmosphere within this universe, but it never really worked for me.

Most of the settings besides the characters' clothes are only vaguely descibed. At first I pictured a sort of steampunk setting, but later on, Nane's house seems very futuristic the way you describe it. Very conventionally Sci-Fi, thus contradicting your previous Fantasy setting.

In the end, Nane turns into a statue and lives in a Horror story just like the Book Keeper said. Very bizarre ending. I liked it. Like I said -- very R.L Stine-like.

I did, however, have numerous complaints about the script:

-Characters: Way underdeveloped, even for a short piece. Nothing made me care about Nane at all. There wasn't even an effort to develop him (or the Book Keeper himself, for that matter). Flat characters bore people, no matter how short a story is.

-Pace: The build-up to the Book Keeper's introduction took too long considering the nine-page length. Either trim one or two pages before he's introduced, or lengthen the rest of the script a little bit.

-Writing: Not bad at all, but it could be more concise. If you saved some spac you might be able to sneak more scenes in.

I can't say I particularly liked this effort, but I can see you do have some talent.

Good luck with your writing!

--Julio

Andrew.

Definitely need to fix up the descriptive lines. Redundant in places. Try trimming your sentences.

Total page numbers are never used. They get in the way of the read. They tend to remind the script reader of a ticking clock. Don't do that.

Zombies really? The last scene can be cut. The story reads bettter without it,

The description of this place felt like a desert marketplace. The term saleswoman and salesman aren't consistent with that locale. Perhaps something along the lines of  barterer, trader or just seller would fit better.

The main character Nane has no meat to his character. Have him do something that will make us care about him. Maybe he steals something to feed an orphan. Not that lame of course, but something.

Good idea re: story. I know you are practicing and hope it helps.

Gary

I had a hard time getting set in the scene. Sounds like a street fair after reading it a couple times. Is that what it is?

What is a massive BAND?

Anyway...WTF?          ***SPOILER?***

You take some acid, shrooms, before writing this? Not cohesive...a hodgepodge, rather, of stuff that does not feel connected. So I start off confused, then had some sense of direction with Nane at the street fair, then it's all Nane and this disjointed thing going on with the bone guy and zombies.

And it's really not about the book keeper. It's about Nane.

I read this when it was first posted. I didn't comment becuase I didn't want to be the first one to say something negative. Sometimes I think I'm too negative.

neway, here are my thoughts. It's not a very original story. That's okay tho, few stories are. But if you're going to write a story that isn't very original you have to do something to set it a part... give it a different twist or interesting characters. Turn something, some element of it on its head.

This story has potential. It is a complete story. So points for that. The grammatical errors could be fixed by letting a friend read it before you submitted it.

It feels like you rushed it. And it's a bigger story than the few pages you've given it. Let it breathe, develope it. Give it time. I say this cuz I submitted a script that I recently asked Don not to post. I rushed it. And having time to give it thought, I realized it wasnt ready. I don't think your script was ready either. But it does have potential. I liked the opening scene. For me it set a tone. But you didnt carry that tone to the other scenes. It did seem disjointed.

You know what... This is probably gonna shock 99.9% of you all but ................... I liked it.  Let me not get ahead of myself, though. I liked "IT" and "IT" is simply the concept. This is the kind of story I see myself writing. Albeit, a bit longer and with a bit more depth.

I liked the blank book concept. I liked the execution in what little there was here. There are a few grammatical errors to be sure. There is also some stiffer than straight Jack Daniels dialogue in it, but with all that said it wasn't a bad "concept" .  It gets wonky and outta hand towards the end, but... If I were you I'd take the concept and run away with a much grander scheme.

I've seen and read it all. And if I haven't I've probably written it myself... I don't think I've personally ever seen a concept like this one. For that, I give you "some" credit.  And yes, it's rushed and it's only 8 pages and all of that... but I'm also not the biggest fan of 6 and 8 page epics, either. Give me more substance with this concept.

Thanks for the read everyone, I have already started a re-write of this....

This was the last script I wrote using a terrible template for microsoft word. Since then I have found something much better that I am now using.

and since then I have read "The Screenwriter's Bible 4th Edition" which has certainly helped me alot with the elements of a screenplay.

Hey Andrew. Yeah, interesting piece. You've obviously taken little bits of works that influence you and put them into some sort of story. I see a lot of Stephen King here, as well as those old movies that have the mysterious salesman type. Bradbury vibe in here too.
if you can develop this further it could turn out pretty good. Maybe a series? Or perhaps an longer short?

Good luck with it and keep us posted.

As soon as I read the word Anime in your logline I  just had to read this.

I loved the stalls and the wares that the where beign peddled very cool. The necklace my favourite. Also like how when nane return home the homes float in the air above trees. (if I read that correctly) not beacuse it is practical or economicaly sound   but because more importantly it looks stylish and ou there. So typical of Anime right there. Haha.

Have to agree with post above that you set up the story to that one point where the book keeper and Nane face off against each other but then you kind of stop. You could flesh out more of a battle of wits between the book and Nane or something.

Still very imaginative and a basic story arc if under developed. But imaginative writing is worth a gold star as far as I'm conserned.    

Hey Lightfoot,

Interesting story you have here but, in the end, severely rushed. I like the little world you created here, sort of a throwback to the old days with all the market salesmen trying to sell all sorts of nutty concoctions.

The book with the blank pages is a good hook but, as others have pointed out, you rush from there. The way I see it, your second act starts around page 5/6 and for a nine pager that's simply too late. You need to add at least 10-15 pages for act two and three (in order for the story to work as a whole) or shorten the whole introduction. I don't think you should shorten it though, cos' it's a good beginning, but you need to add a lot more story when Nane and the book keeper go at it.

Also, check your typos/grammar mistakes, there's quite a few of them.

Anyway, a good start.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the reads Tonkatough and Sniper

When I write these shorts I always worry about it being too long. I don't want to throw off any potential readers when they see how long it actually is.

Don't worry about the length (no, not that length), worry about getting the story and structure right.

Andrew

Your writing is pretty solid, a bit expository in places but so is mine so I can't really criticise. I will say that the concept is interesting if not the most original.

I like the intro of the different stalls selling all the wierd sh?t and strange people milling about everywhere, In particular the line:

"The SALESMAN, a large gray neared man with disturbingly short shorts,"

-- The "disturbingly short shorts" cracked me up, what an odd image it conjured up in my mind

But I felt like I was just dropped into the middle of a story as I had no idea where I was. Is this set in the past, present or future? Is it even of this world? The type of market suggests the past but Nane's commute home seems right out of The Jetsons.  

I realise it is pure fantasy so realism naturally takes a back seat but that’s no excuse for not cluing in the reader and giving us some info, background, a story basis in which the plot grows from. You give us so little to go on, whatever about the location not being made explicit I know absolutely nothing about the lead character, Nane.
It all felt to random, just this guy walking through a market, who refrains to buy I book which as a result sends a grim reaper type individual after you, plus the presumably mortal? Bookeeper who sold it to him.

I just found it all so thrown together, a series of ever stranger inexplicable events from the market, to Nane's home above the trees (what was that about? it felt like a dream sequence) to Nane's freezing, then being part of the human statue exhibit, to the final completely unconnected scene of him being chased by a bunch of zombies, I thought he was frozen back at the market stall?

I'm must be missing something with this, not getting the bigger picture here or something. I'm not a huge fantasy fan to begin with so maybe I'm the problem. I mean, I can appreciate good fantasy as much as the next man, especially adult fairytales such as Pans Labyrinth which I thought was excellent but since I didn't know this world, what it was about or the characters that inhabited it I found it very hard to engage in it, connect with Nane or feel for him when things went south.

I hate to be overly critical, as I said your writing is decent but it seems you're trying to incorporate too much into too sparse of an actual story. This definitely needs to be developed further, for me, 9 pages simply isn't near enough to tell a story like this. I'm left wondering what the hell is going on here, too much random stuff with no explanation, Nane's stratospheric abode being a prime example, threw me way off.

As someone said above, the ending is very rushed, the zombie sequence is totally unrelated to the preceding events, (I presume it’s the horror story which was Nan's head when the Bookkeeper asked him to pick one but how are we supposed to know that for sure) You need to give us an indication instead of a raw cut like that. Its like this is part of a series and that was a teaser for next week’s episode, you know what I mean? It felt that out of sync with the rest of the piece.

You've got some cool ideas here, man, don't get me wrong, the market, freaky book and the human statue stall but you need to have more of a coherent structure, fleshed out plot and characters built around these ideas to utilise and appreciate them properly.

Best of luck with this.

Col.

Thanks for that excellent review colkurtz8

Like I said before I get too worried with length, just hits me automatically.

I completely understand what you mean about the last scene. I have already planned out a new storyline for this and am planning to start writing it soon, although there's a few more kinks to work out.

...and i hope that this new and improved version willl be smooth and enjoyable for the readers.

This was an interesting read. It took a while to get started what with all the other salesmen and such but the central concept was intriguing enough. I would've liked to have seen a bit more of what the book can do and more warnings from the Book Keeper. I think you're only scratching the surface of what's possible here. Also, I would lose the last page completely. It almost seems like a joke. The frozen statues seems like the most logical and satisfying closure point. Not tacked-on zombies. Overall, pretty decent. I just would've liked to have seen more.

Andrew,

If you get the format right for the next draft of this and get that good story of yours to flow well, commenters will have little room to say anything else: they'll have to comment on the actual story.

Whether or not you place a number on your first page is, of course, up to you.  ;)

I, for 1, look forward to your next draft.

Hey Andrew

There are countless errors throughout this short which isn't good but has been pointed out by most already.

One thing that confuses me, Nane walks past the stall with the life like statues and on the book keepers stall yet later the book keeper runs the statue stall?

Another niggle is, why does the skelton carry a club if he only has to touch Nane with his finger to trap him inside the book?

A love the ending, with Nane living in the horror book.

I actually thought this was a really good story, but it does need some work.  It's very imaginative and you painted soe great pictures in my head.  A strange market and even Nane's house is nice and different too.  Just work on polishing this up and maybe add a little to Nane's character as he was a little bland.

Hey, I enjoyed this too.  Certainly in need of development and all, but thats why you posted it.  Here's a few notes I took as I read:
P1  only the biggest and noisiest of the vendors get the most attention.  You can get rid of either only or the most, otherwise youre being redundant.
You describe the salesman as a large grey neared man.  You mean Grey haired?
Bottom of p1, the boys eyes locked onto the liquid, should be lock, or part of the last sentence, or something.  As it is it reads as past tense.
I’m pretty sure hunch-backed should be hyphenated
You should introduce Nane as Nane Sertierrere?  If you’re going to use his last name later.
You say the skeleton ‘gets the small sculpture in the skull’.  You could explain this a little clearer, that nane is hitting him.
How does the audience know we’re inside the book for the end?  Maybe just one quick shot of the book after we see him as a statue, or close on the statues eyes, or something to that effect.
I think the horror scene could be a bit longer, maybe not have the book keeper come in with the skeleton, a bit of a chase, something.  You describe this as a horror piece but less than a tenth of it actually has anything horrorish.
Also I'm not sure about zombies at the end.  Like someone else said, you're kinda mixing genres a bit much.  I'm sure it makes sense the way you're visualizing it, but its harder for the reader.  Why not just have an ewok style treeforts instead of hovering houses?  Then something suitable instead of zombies?  
A little work on the writing would be nice, just so we can see it as well as it sounds like you can.  Good luck, I certainly wouldn't have been against reading a few more pages if your worried about length.

I read this and these were my thoughts.

I liked it and thought your imagination was great. Loved the trippy feel. I thought everything was cool until the very end... zombies??? Don't know about that. I think that little twist didn't really work. Other than that, I think you did a good job!

Nit picks:

page 1, His eyes

page 1, a large gray neared man...

I bet this was written in Word. Has the look of it

page 1, the women nods. Women is plural. Woman is singular

loved the necklace that strangles! Great!!

Try not to have a Scene Heading at the end of a page and the action/descriptions following on the next page. That would not happen with a screenwriting program btw...

last page, the ground"s" is covered

I enjoyed it. Very original idea too, just ditch the zombies.

Pia  :)

Thanks for the read Pia

I agree with you about ditching the zombies, I wanted to show exactly what happened to Nane in the end so I just tossed in the zombies without really thinking.