Memoris by Troy Oates - Drama, Crime - A hitman for the mob sits in a hotel room, and remembers his life as he tells his story. He recounts the good times and the bad in his life, and what brought him to be the man he is today. 180 pages - html, format 8)

Sorry Troy,

> Too many voice overs.
> Too many big blocks of action (recommended max is 4 lines -- preferrably less)
> Too many big blocks of dialog, especially in voice overs. Gives the script a "talking head" rather than a visual/film feel.
> One big block towards the end looks like it'll be a sermon.
> HTML format looked fine but many prefer PDF for reviewing.
> No page numbers that I saw.
> No need to all-cap a character's name in the description/action except the first time he is introduced.
> I am not familiar with the scene instruction "MONTAGE SCENE OF WHAT (CHARACTER) IS TALKING ABOUT."

Gary

Thanks for all your tips Gary. It's a first draft, so I know it needs work.

1. The voiceovers need cutting down, and they seem a bit to TV-eske, saying stuff like "if only I knew what was about to happen....."

2. Not great at writing action scenes, so they're short and sort of boring.

3. No character development except for Steven. In fact some characters and scenes could be eliminated.

Thanks to anyone/everyone who gives it a read and leaves some compliments, or tips on how I can improve.

And I also know I mispelled the name when I typed it in on here. Sorry, and when I submit a second draft, I'll spell it correctly

way too long
the V.O needs to be cut. stopped at about 15 pages.
you probably have a story in there and i'd really like to read it. i like hitman stories.
update us when you make some changes. cheers

I thought this was incredible. I have to admit, I really REALLY enjoyed this.

I mean, I thought it was nicely done. My dream career is directing...and I can say I visualized it pretty well. Character development was good. Story was good. The voice-overs was a really good touch to it. I enjoyed it.

So yeah, I have to say that I'll keep this to mind

UPDATE:

Okay, i want to go into a little more detail on this.

Overall, the story - the plot - is incredible. I was gripped from the first three lines.

Beautifully crafted I though. Characters were well thought out, and with every twist on every page, I found myself wanting MORE.

The story is very much - the way I thought of it as - a GTA: Vice City kind of plot.

Nothing really bothered me about it actually. I thought the formatting was good.
The voice-overs are very well put and it was good. It was very original how the plot was.

Memoirs (or memories I think you meant to put it?) wasn't really a good title. Yes, Memories is what he is doing, but maybe it needed a little more of an attracting title.

But, whatever, it was overall fantastic. Out of 10, I need to give this 12.

I cant think of anything negetive about this script.

Action was okay, as you said, you aren't the best and it's okay. I thought it was nice

HOWEVER, actually, there is something on my mind, and that is the end

SPOILER!

The ending was okay. I mean, the approach you took to kill him off was...good.

However, it was rushed. And I thought maybe you could have built it up a little bit more.

It's natural for a screenwriter to just GET to the end and end it. Or, when at the end, they just want to FINISH it. I am sure that every screenwriter on this site has had that happen and it's something we kind of need to ignore.

I wanted to hear more about Meleah. Was it her birthday? How so? Explain. It was very sudden. It was like "Oh, her birthday?"

Who was her foster parents? Was it the doctor at the hospital?

Have they talked before? How many times? It was all of-a-sudden.

I think also, Christopher Nolan should be changed :/ I mean, was it me? or did I kept thinking about the director. That was, for me anyway, distracting.

Saul Adams? How good of a friend was he to Clare? How was he and her related - go into detail a little more! How did he KNOW Alan killed her?

-----


These are a few things that I didn't understand, overall, everything deserves full 12 stars :)  ;D Best script I read.

Wow. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it all the way through, and much more for the compliments on it. And people keep saying about the length, but do you think that all the memorable long movies (Goodfellas, LOTR, King Kong) only went for 100 pages and they were expanded. It's better to have too much then not enough.

It's supposed to be Memoirs. I think I may have mis-typed it when I submitted it the first time a while ago, and now it's stuck with the name. But Memoirs was the only name I could think to give it.

I'd had the idea for a while, and it took me a long time to write it but when I was finished I was happy with the final result.
As the action goes, I sort of meant for it to be short and punchy. You never really hear about these big Michael Bay type shootouts happening in real life, and I wanted to keep it as real as possible.

SPOILERS-------



Yeah, I wanted to keep Meleah a surprise. Her being alive was mentioned a few times, but I wanted to keep it hidden in the last act. And it's supposed to be very emotional because this is the first time he's ever speaking to her, he's taken the time to track her down.

Chris Nolan was the only name I could think of. I'll definitely change it, maybe even just make it Nolan.

Your advice is all something I've noted, and in the next draft they will all be cleared up.

Thanks again.

Quoted from thechillman Wow. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it all the way through, and much more for the compliments on it. And people keep saying about the length, but do you think that all the memorable long movies (Goodfellas, LOTR, King Kong) only went for 100 pages and they were expanded. It's better to have too much then not enough. It's supposed to be Memoirs. I think I may have mis-typed it when I submitted it the first time a while ago, and now it's stuck with the name. But Memoirs was the only name I could think to give it. I'd had the idea for a while, and it took me a long time to write it but when I was finished I was happy with the final result. As the action goes, I sort of meant for it to be short and punchy. You never really hear about these big Michael Bay type shootouts happening in real life, and I wanted to keep it as real as possible. SPOILERS------- Yeah, I wanted to keep Meleah a surprise. Her being alive was mentioned a few times, but I wanted to keep it hidden in the last act. And it's supposed to be very emotional because this is the first time he's ever speaking to her, he's taken the time to track her down. Chris Nolan was the only name I could think of. I'll definitely change it, maybe even just make it Nolan. Your advice is all something I've noted, and in the next draft they will all be cleared up. Thanks again.

Exactly. I though the length was worth it. I had NO problem what-so-ever with it.
181 pages is roughly around 2 and a half hours I think. I could be COMPLETELY wrong haha XD

Yeah, I thought about it, and I think it's a good name actually. Short, to the point, instead of it being "STEVEN THE HITMAN WHO SITS AND THINKS ABOUT LIFE"

I know EXACTLY what you mean, man. At the moment I have been fidgeting with a script for 2 years nearly. I have a sequel to it which is pretty awesome in my opinion, just, the first one im just fidgeting with and fidgeting with. In order to make a fantastic screenplay, you need to fumble around with the script more than once. I think all of your time has paid off - honestly? If I had the rights to direct this (and if I were a director right now - I would), I think this could be seriously a classic. :) No word of a lie!

Short and punchy! I liked it, it wasn't all "beats the shit out of Brody for being an ass", it was short, punchy, and to-the-point. I liked it A LOT.

Ah! I see, then in that case, it was very good :) I loved how you kept the suspence up in a few places.

Can't wait for the next draft!

Troy, I read it all the way through and though it is not my genre, I did like it a lot.  But it does need some trimming.  As someone who wrote a 151-page script, I can see the temptation not to cut.

But you should try to make a 120-page version if you can.  Then keep the 180-page version in case they want to lengthen it.  You may want to read the screen-writing book called Save The Cat (yes, that's the title) by Blake Snyder.  It has a formula in Chapter four about what should happen by which page.  I think if you follow this formula to a large degree, your screenplay should sell.  It does have great potential, but it definitely needs a rewrite.

Quoted from Scription Exactly. I though the length was worth it. I had NO problem what-so-ever with it. 181 pages is roughly around 2 and a half hours I think. I could be COMPLETELY wrong haha XD Yeah, I thought about it, and I think it's a good name actually. Short, to the point, instead of it being "STEVEN THE HITMAN WHO SITS AND THINKS ABOUT LIFE" I know EXACTLY what you mean, man. At the moment I have been fidgeting with a script for 2 years nearly. I have a sequel to it which is pretty awesome in my opinion, just, the first one im just fidgeting with and fidgeting with. In order to make a fantastic screenplay, you need to fumble around with the script more than once. I think all of your time has paid off - honestly? If I had the rights to direct this (and if I were a director right now - I would), I think this could be seriously a classic. :) No word of a lie! Short and punchy! I liked it, it wasn't all "beats the shit out of Brody for being an ass", it was short, punchy, and to-the-point. I liked it A LOT. Ah! I see, then in that case, it was very good :) I loved how you kept the suspence up in a few places. Can't wait for the next draft!

Well I've heard it's a minute a page, so it clocks in at three hours. And even though I'd call Memoirs my best work, I have a couple other new ones (Snapshots Of War, Widows, Squad) up this week if you'd like to take a look.

Quoted from thechillman Well I've heard it's a minute a page, so it clocks in at three hours. And even though I'd call Memoirs my best work, I have a couple other new ones (Snapshots Of War, Widows, Squad) up this week if you'd like to take a look.

I'll give those a read as well :) and comment on them, too.

Keep up the good work!

I have thoroughly read the script, and tho I found a few things that I felt could of been done to better this piece... At first I had decided to read about five pages or so, but  soon found myself somewhat drawn to this script more and more after ever word.  It had a Reservoir Dogs feeling to it, and that I loved about it. And a major key point I think you nailed on this one, was that it was (believable). And I really thought it could of used some (P.O.V's)  mainly from STEVIE (lol) glad he got Alan, really hated that prik. And for the part where he finally found out that Alan was responsible, I felt that it should of been a more heart felt moment. I didn't really buy-in to the fact of the whole ending thing, but it grow on me and look on the bright side, good cliff-hanger for the sequel.

But all-in-all I really enjoyed your work, the suspense was there, action on key, dram was moving, and I look forward to seeing more work from you in the future, and you never know maybe a collaboration.

As for me, I'm currently working on my latest piece and have decided to post the ruff-draft up here in a few months.