Untitled Two and A Half Men by Tom Pascal (Tommyp) - Comedy - Alan attempts to get healthy by drinking smoothies, while Charlie gets help with his work from a girl he slept with and Jake gets more than he bargained for when he sees a banned horror film. 35 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for the up Don.

Guys, this is my attempt at a sitcom.

Help and thoughts would be appreciated, as usual.

Hope you enjoy!

Hey Tommy,
I liked it. It’s right in there with the series’ characters, phobias and mannerisms.

WORD USAGE
Mum = mom
Dress ups = dress up
Bench = counter top
Pub = bar
Golf buggy = golf cart
Cushin’ = Cushion
Post = mail
Have it through a straw = drink or sip it
Sealed section = (what is this anyhow?)
Packet = package

STORY
“The naked ladies on TV” remark by Jake just hangs there without resolution. (I for one want to know why there are naked ladies on TV.  What channel is it and does it cost anything?)

Not wearing a condom joke in poor taste?

"...smells like cat urine" is hilarious

The title of the Blood Slurpers 4: When Good Vampires Go Bad doesn’t match up with the presidential theme mentioned.  When Good Presidents Go Bad?

Spatula line is very good. “Don’t mind if I do” another good line

The “I don’t have a phone” banter between Charlie and Tania comes off a little forced

Alan’s comment about his reading list migt be funnier if it was his bathroom reading list?

Charlie turns down sex to work? Against character plays well

“You might even get laid” may have crossed a line somewhere.

Tania walks into the room where Alan sits.  Shouldn’t it be Sandra?

Jake’s line “saw some bad stuff” was perfect for the Sandra reveal scene!

Tania and Sandra going off to see the movie together is abrupt.  No transition.

Hustlers a tad raw, how about Playboy or Penthouse?

Megan Fox, really?

SUMMARY
Tommy, I liked how you tied the story lines together! You had some good subtext / innuendos going in lots of places. Sitcoms are great for your sense of humor.

Gary

Hi Tom. As you know, I read this a few weeks back when you sent it to me. I don't watch the show but i really liked this. The episodes I have seen show you have nailed this very well.
All the catch phrases and style of comedy is written just like it. Good job.

Hey Gary, thanks for the read.

Some of the "typo's" are not actually typo's but Australian words.

I don't really know whether I should write it with American words, as this is an American sitcom... I don't think it matters too much.

The naked ladies on tv line is to show that Jake is turning into Charlie. It could have been anything to show that, so what it is doesn't really matter.

I've spent a long time thinking about the condom line when I was writing this. I think it does push the boundaries of this show, but lately the episodes on TV have been quite crude, so I think I will leave it in there. If a few more people don't like it, it will make sense for me to take it out.

Very good point about the horror movie title... I will work on it. Also good point about Hustler. I don't read (look) at magazines like that, so I just picked one I knew.

The reason I picked Megan Fox is that she is seen as the hottest female in the world at the moment. I spent a long time on the last few lines, because the episode has to finish off with a big laugh. I don't think I really achieved that though....

Glad you liked it, and thanks for pointing so much stuff out - it will help me in the rewrite. :)

Stevie, glad you like it, man. I might try another sitcom script soon, I really enjoy it. I know it's very different, but it's sorta in between a short and a feature... at least length wise, so I am moving up in the ranks!

Thanks again.

Tommyp,

Good stuff, I can see this playing out on television.  I don't read too many comedies but this one kept me laughing.  Good set up and everything.  Very quick and fast read too.

Your character Tania, had me going on page 16.

Can't wait for the next episode.

Ghostwriter 22

Tommy,

A title just popped iny head: "Pitchmen." Maybe a little too soon given Billly Mays recent death. But everyone is trying to pitch something in this episode: Charlie, Tania, Jake, Alan's guru, etc.  Liquid Wonder might be another idea to build on.

Gary

I read through this one... I did so on the notion that I was one of the most vocal about hating the show when you proposed writing an episode of it.

With that said... I defiantly see the show in your script. Is that a good or a bad thing? Well, I guess that depends on the fan base or the show.  Me, I can't stand it. Then again, I'm probably the best person to ask since I don't like the show. That way you'll get a 100% honest answer in return.

The show sucks... But your teleplay doesn't. It's written very well. Very visual and to the point. I've never written a teleplay before and the format was new to me, so I had to go and read up on proper format for a teleplay and what knot.  It seems you've passed the test in most instances.

There were a few things that stood out to me, though. Well, given the books and info I got and how yours was structured.  It's not clear to me if you CAP the action slugs or not. You did, so ... Give or take I suppose.  It was also strange to see the under strike at first, but after reading my Seinfeld scripts I was proven wrong.

All in all, good job.  

I hate the show. The characters and the story lines in and around them, but you obviously don't. You've nailed the show pretty good and given the fact your Australian that's an even bigger accomplishment, I suppose.  I would, for the sake of localization, change the lingo and dialect of your slang up a bit. Make it more American, since it is an American sitcom after all.

The only complaint I have is that Charlie was more of a logics kind of guy in this one and he's rarely ever that in the show. Well, the episodes I've been forced to watch... He always comes off as the slacker who falls ass back-wards into good fortune.

I think, more than anyone, you've written for Alan better than Jake or Charlie, though.  

Final thoughts... Junk ass show. Good script for the target fan base.  I've never written a teleplay, so it's something I might even try to do down the road... If anything you've inspired me to learn the structure of one, so that is something.

Hey Ghostwriter, thanks for the read, and glad you like it.

The jingles that Tania comes up with were one of the bits I spent aaaages on, and I still think they could be a lot better. In a rewrite I would change them. The main point is you know what KIND of joke is coming across. What KIND of line. The actual line can be fixed and improved, but at the moment I'm just going for the kind of joke. If that makes sense..

Thanks again.

Gary, I like Pitchmen. I was looking at the titles for the actual show, and they are pretty out there.

Example a few random ones:

"David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie" and "I Think You Offended Don" .... Wow! Random! I'm sure they make sense with the rest of the episode.

Baltis, thanks for the read.

I don't think the show is that good either. I don't dislike it as much as you do though. Some of the jokes I wrote I don't think are very funny, but I can definately see it work with a laugh track, and people who enjoy this show laugh along too. I suppose that is what matters.... or is that selling out? Naaaa...

Good point about Charlie being logic when it comes to work. I think on a rewrite I will give him a reason to work, maybe running out of money.

Thanks heaps for the kind words, and I'm glad you like it.

Cheers.

Quoted from Tommyp I don't really know whether I should write it with American words, as this is an American sitcom... I don't think it matters too much.

Use American spelling if it's something you are going to pitch to an American - like this would be - or if you were going to enter an American-centric contest with the script.  You can use the British spelling otherwise.

So I should probably let you know that I've seen about 10 or 15 episodes of Two and a Half Men, and I really hate the sitcom. The jokes seem completely uninspired, broad comedy, that's largely rooted in sexual innuendo. This get's boring to me really quickly. Having said that, I don't know whether you should take it as a compliment that you completely captured the feel of the show.

Seriously, I didn't have any trouble at all picturing Charlie Sheen saying everything he said in your script. You've aped the feel of the show pretty perfectly. There's good establishment and flow between the A and B plots of the episode, and they work pretty well for the audience in mind.

The only thing that wasn't really very clear to me was that Charlie actually LIKED Tania's songs. It seems like he has such a low opinion of her to begin with that I thought he was making fun of her jingles in a sarcastic way. This may be more clear if acted out, and if the Jingles actually came off sounding good.

A part of me wonders if Charlie might come off a little too sleazy... but thinking back to the episodes I've seen, that's kind of how he is, so nevermind. It's just weird to see such womanizing set to a laugh track and called funny.

The one joke that kind of jumped out to me was the condom one. I think it's the one joke in the script that's edgy and funny enough that there's no way that I could see it on this show. It kind of caught me and brought me out of the world, which is why I liked it. So either keep it because it's good, or lose it because it's too good. It's up to you.

At any rate, overall I would say you did a pretty good job writing this, even if I didn't personally enjoy it. Two and a Half Men has an unusually large fan base, so there's certainly no shortage of people that will find this funny.

-Aaron

P.S. Here's a few typos:

15 - Typo - I I'm

26 - Typo - Oreas

33 - Typo - Options (at the bottom of the page)

Tommy, remember liking one of your episodes of "picking Up" so I'm checking this out. I see most above hate this show. ilove it in fact. Maybe that's why we're all posting our scripts on here instead of actually selling them???

BERTA
Umm, they are for Charlie

Sounds too well spoken for Berta. Would at least make it a they're. She's a hick.

BERTA
People called Isaac Newton a genius.
Apple fell on his head and he got
smart. Same thing happened to me, but
it didn’t work. Didn’t even pass grade
7 math.

Doesn't feel right. Seventh grade math seems more the norm.

JAKE
It kept on eating his breakfast
cereal!

I think the "on" should be removed IMO.

BERTA
Believe me, I’ve tried. He didn’t even
fit in the oven.

Now that's Berta...

Change "mum"'s to "mom" . It is an American show.

PG. 10.. "I recommending" should be "I'm recommending"...

"Sachet" ?? again, not familiar to my Yankee ass...

PG. 26.. "Oreas" needs fixed....

NEWSREADER should have parentheticals next to her/his name. (on TV) maybe?

CHARLIE
The gym looks like a slightly better
options now, doesn’t it Alan?

Loose the "s" on options...
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Hello?
(beat)
Yes, but I’ve made them all for
vacuums cleaners.
(beat)
Cell phones you say? Give me a
minute...

Again, loose "s" on vaccuums...

Don't get all the movie references, is this something you wrote that you're trying to promo??

Well, it would've been a sub-par episode for me being a fan of the show. I don't think you captured the characters properly. I was really impressed with that episode of "picking up" so i was looking forward to this. Comedy is not my thing, so take my remarks with a grain of salt.

Also, was a strange read cause of the formatting. Didn't like spaces in the dialogue. Is it different for a teleplay?

Going back to read previous comments, so if you've addressed any of my issues already, no need to do it again...                                

James

Hey Aaron, thanks for the read.

I whole thing about Charlie liking Tania's jingles, is that because he hadn't written anything in a while, and he had to now, anything would do. Anything that rhymes could have come out of Tania's mouth, and Charlie would have loved it.

The condom joke... I'm still not sure about this one. As I said in an earlier post, I spent a while thinking whether I should keep it in or not. I wanted the line before the main titles to be a cracker, as they always are.

Thanks again for the read, appreciate your comments. Also, thanks for the typos :)


Hey James, thanks for the comments.

Good points about Berta's dialogue. I had a lot more for her, but thinking back on other episodes, she never really says that much.

We call it "maths" here, never "math" so I was just trying to be American.

The vampire film is something I made up, haven't written it, YET :)

I'm sorry to hear that you think I didn't capure the characters properly. Could you please tell me more? Was it just Berta?

In terms of formatting, it was a template in Final Draft. So to my knowledge, is the norm. I spent a while researching how to write it in sitcom format too.

Thanks again for the read, appreciate it. I would like to know which characters didn't feel like the characters from the show, though. Thanks.

Tommy,

I should probably start off by saying that I'm not a fan of the show.  I don't loathe it, like a good deal of the people here, but I don't really appreciate the humor.  But I have seen it, so I feel like I have something to compare this script against.

That being said, I think you did a really great job emulating the show here. I really felt like I was reading an actual script from the show, and could hear the voices of all the characters.  The dialogue flowed smoothly and I think it really worked.  The only line that comes to mind that I would lose is when Alan says "Well, what do you know? You take your top off for a living!"  It seems too mean spirited (especially for his character, which I thought was the nicer one).

As for the story, I thought you created a couple interesting plot-lines, but I gotta say, I think you dropped the ball on taking them anywhere though.  Having Tania and Sandra go off together in the end seemed random and didn't really flow well.  It was almost as if you didn't know how to end it.  And Alan's smoothie plotline felt pretty predictable too.  I feel like there's any number of things you could have done, but the smoothies turning out to be bad for you seems to be the most obvious.  Also, the whole thing with the banned film seemed unfinished and not very well used either.

Overall, like I said, I think it's a pretty impressive script for the show, I just feel like you need to re-work the endings of Charlie and Alan's respective plots.  

Good job!  (Is there a "Two and Half Men" fan site you could post this on?  Might get some good responses there too.)

Tommyp, I have watched a few minutes of this show here and there, but it was quite enough to catch the flavor.  I believe you have also captured the flavor of the show in your script.  Quite accurately I must say.

Alan's remake about her taking her shirt off for a living is sort of a catty thin he might blurt out, even though he is the more cultured of the two.

The story lines were very good, and the characters hit the mark.

Americanize the lingo, and I think this would be a good piece towards getting an assignment!

Matt, thanks for the comments.

Point taken about Alan's line. Someone else noticed that, so I think it will have to be changed.

Regarding the ending being a bit sloppy... well, you caught me. I just couldn't think of a funny way to end it all. For Tania and Sandra to leave, and for the ending with the other characters.

With the ending I wanted to end it using references which have been throughout the show. I didn't want to introduce anything too knew in the last page or so... but as you said, it could be much better.

Any thoughts/ideas on a better ending?

I just googled some fan sites, and I think I will post the script on one or two of them... thanks for the idea.

Steven, thanks for the read, and glad you liked it.

Yeah, the good/bad/interesting thing about the show is that you don't have to spend too long watching it to realise what the characters are like.

In the next draft I will make it more American. I might need some help from people from the US, like you, with that :)

Thanks again for the read.

Tommy, thought about what you asked, now i feel obligated to find some characterism issues. I think they just came off odd at the start because of some difference in american dialogue and you aussie native.

Problem for me is, i always watched the show for pure enjoyment, never really paying attention to what makes them up like I was ever gonna try to write them.

So I take that comment back, becuse I wouldn't know how to improve for you on that basis. I'll I really know, is it seems like Alan only gets a couple laughs per episode, although is the brunt of many. While almost everything coming out of Charlie's mouth is a hilarious insult. Unrealistically funny for a regular person, but he's got a group of writers working for his character too.

On thing he does alot id beat a joke to death... i.e. When he found out Alan was dating 2 girls simultaneously...

CHARLIE
Do they know that you're dipping your chips in the salsa AND the gaucomole?
Do they know your hitting 2 pinatas with one stick?
Topping off two tanks with the same hose?
Throwing your balls down two separate alleys?

You weren't far off with Berta either. Just a couple of dialogue issues. She seems to speak in the most curt sentences possible. always with a punchline.

ALAN
Six bottles of wine again! Who drinks
these Berta?
I really feel Alan would already know this...

ALAN
I didn’t steal the buggy, I found it.
BERTA
On a nearby golf course. With people
in it.
(beat)
I can't imagine Alan, as timid as he is, doing that unless you were gonna give him a major reason to finish the race... get laid, beat judith's time???

BERTA
Anyway, I’m off to see Blood Slurpers
4: When Good Vampires Go Bad. It’s
about the President turning into a
vampire who then eats his wife. It’s
banned in three countries.
Too bad this isn't rated R. Could see this paragraph changed to set Charlie up for s "Sperm Burpers 4" line. Well, I think its funny.

Anyways, the more iread through this the less I find wrong with it. It is very close, I especially like the protein juice scenario with Alan. That did come off great. Anyways, I write horro, Sci-fi. I don't think I could be much help to you. i try though. Good luck, James

Quoted from Tommyp Matt, thanks for the comments.

No sweat.  One thing I forgot to mention that I was also impressed with was not just your ability to emulate the characters, but your ability to capture the beats of a sitcom.  I could almost hear the audience laughtrack with certain lines.  Good work on that too.

Quoted from Tommyp With the ending I wanted to end it using references which have been throughout the show. I didn't want to introduce anything too knew in the last page or so... but as you said, it could be much better. Any thoughts/ideas on a better ending?

Well, I guess the problem is that I have no idea how the show is usually structured (having only seen one episode) or how they usually end.  I guess, I would kind of like to see the two plot lines play off of each other a bit more.  Like, how can the fact that Alan's eating smoothies disrupt Charlie's plans?  You kind of covered this by having him on the couch (after vigorously trying to work out), but I thought maybe you could push it further.  But then again, like I said, I don't know how the show's formatted.  It might not be one of those shows where everything comes together in the end.

Also, I was kind of disappointed to see that Grant wasn't an actual character on the show.  For some reason, I thought he was Alan's new personal trainer, and would show up later on for wacky hijinks and what not.  Maybe he could show up and steal the two girls away, I don't know.

The possibilities are endless.

Hey James.

Really good point about beating the jokes to death, for some lines.

Ditto with Berta's and Alan's line. Good work man.

Hahah yeah maybe you should write Sperm Burpers! :)

Again, thanks man. You have been very helpful.

Matt,

The reason I didn't want Grant to be a real character is to not bring too many new cast members onto the show. I thought that if he was on TV and not in the house, it would be okay. And I also want Grant to die, because of his smoothies and again Alan is the butt of the joke.

But you are right, I do need to tie more things in the end. And an actual reason for the girls to leave.

I will put my thinking cap on!

Thanks again man.

High five for double post!

Okay guys, I need some help. I've fixed all the typo's, made it sound American, and changed a few lines to make it sound more authentic, but I'm having trouble with the ending.

I need a better way to get Sandra and Tania out of the house.

My latest thoughts:

They were both lovers at one point (bisexual) then broke up, and they still like eachother, and leave together.

OR

They are sisters, and leave together.

Both are a bit... hmm I dunno. They are better than how it is now.

So does anyone have any thoughts on that?

Regarding the very last line, I think I will try and reference Megan Fox once or twice before the ending, so it ties in and makes sense.

Thanks.

Quoted from Tommyp They were both lovers at one point (bisexual) then broke up, and they still like eachother, and leave together. OR They are sisters, and leave together.

I guess I really just don't like the idea of them leaving together at all.  Mainly because it seems to just come out of nowhere, no matter what kind of spin you put on it.  Now, maybe if you somehow set it up earlier, but if you just explain it away at the end it will feel wrong.